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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 152: onwards and upwards

999 replies

30somethingandsingle · 26/03/2019 15:05

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 27/03/2019 20:39

I do think there are men out there too looking for the same and relationships come in all forms, more and more.

Oh I’m sure they are. But I have only really talked about this with women. Relationships do come in different forms, but without simple blueprints to follow. And that always makes things trickier.

I mean, they always have been more complicated but there was a stronger public narrative about what they ‘should’ look like. In many ways that was worse obviously.

It’s still often more complex and ambiguous than we’d like to believe. If only life were simple. 😂

I’m 38 and have come to an odd realisation that I may not be entirely against me marrying someone in the last few months. I think I’d always thought of myself as ‘unmarriagable’ (in the best possible way 😝). But who knows.

Not that I’m planning on getting married or anything. No one should hold their breath looking for a wedding invitation here. More just that we (I, at least) don’t always know what we (I) might want and ideas change.

Hilariously, I think my mum would be horrified if I told her I was getting married. I think she’s still disappointed (8 years later) that my sister got married. 😂

Crustaceans · 27/03/2019 20:42

@leonasa I was a (teenage) single parent. I didn’t meet my ex til DS1 was 7. So I’ve probably been in exactly the opposite situation to you most of my life.

Being a single parent is intense but I do honestly think it was harder co-parenting with my ex than being on my own. Much harder. And o felt like I had a third child so often. He was dreadful.

leonasa · 27/03/2019 20:48

@Peanuthedz yeah, frankly sometimes I think doing it on my own is more appealing anyway! I could have had a baby with my ex but I realized it would be awful. Going to have that fertility test in the next few weeks so 🤞 it all looks ok!

Lovemusic33 · 27/03/2019 20:54

Well that’s odd, had a message from the army guy, saying he couldn’t find me and asking if I had blocked him? I try to message back and it says I’m blocked. Gutted, not sure what’s going on with POF but it keeps blocking me from messaging people? Would anyone like to do me a little favour and message him for me?

CodLiverOil556 · 27/03/2019 20:55

@Lovemusic33 I'll do it for you PM his user name

shitwithsugaron · 27/03/2019 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leonasa · 27/03/2019 20:57

@Crustaceans that is the experience a lot of my friends have had too - I know it'll be really hard but definitely better than doing it with a less than great partner I think!

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 27/03/2019 20:58

leonasa single parenting is much easier than parenting with a twat! Go for it!

Peanuthedz · 27/03/2019 21:03

@shitwithsugaron well at least he won't get many matches with that profile 🙄

Crustaceans · 27/03/2019 21:04

Part time daddy...full time DILF 🍆💦'

I’m pretty sure that translates to full time wanker.

shitwithsugaron · 27/03/2019 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

leonasa · 27/03/2019 21:22

Thanks everybody! I will!

That is just the most wankerish profile @shitwithsugaron 😂😂😂

Lovemusic33 · 27/03/2019 21:34

Kermit it’s ok now, hesmanaged to contact me and I now have his phone number. Not sure why I keep getting blocked.

MrDrummer · 27/03/2019 21:43

So reading the comments regarding men on PoF as being: married, wierdos, sex pests, don't look after themselves, overweight, etc... kinda scratching my head... I am none of those and still get nowhere with PoF, so I can only conclude I am one ugly git!

user1466783975 · 27/03/2019 21:57

drummer you are not ugly,don't be so silly.I will not have you saying that! Did you put the new pics up? ( one with my dog seemed good and natural).

shitwithsugaron · 27/03/2019 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrDrummer · 27/03/2019 22:08

@user1466783975 I did put up new pics, one with your dog and one by the haystack. I don't think my phone worked very well because they don't look particularly in focus and the ones in the pub are particularly out of focus, to a point of not being usable. I am not sure I am that bothered about PoF at the moment, as FWB is going well and is probably FWB+, but I was surprised by the comments here regarding PoF.

Let me put it another way, how does one stand-out from the wierdos, pests, married men, etc.

Lovemusic33 · 27/03/2019 22:20

My army just sent me a video message, my knees feel wobbly, he has an amazing accent (one that makes me want to rip his clothes off). I shall go to bed with a smile on my face.

StealthNinjaMum · 27/03/2019 22:37

MrDrummer I'm new to online dating so haven't met too many weirdos, pests, married men but I have had a number of messages, met one guy and have a date arranged with a second who is whatsapping me a few times a day. I'm on match.

So I'm inexperienced but I get really turned off by guys who send a message like 'hi gorgeous' 'hi babe' 'hi beautiful' or anything that relates to my physical appearance as they haven't noticed I'm intelligent, funny, have hobbies and I would imagine they've just sent a generic message to 20 50 women. Then I have had a couple angry with me for taking too long to reply to a message. And a couple angry with me for not handing my phone number over after about two brief messages. One guy gave me his phone number and I told him I was busy with my children but would text him and I had every intention of texting him. After 23 hours he said he was sick of women like me wasting his time and was closing his account.

So I guess I expect men to treat me as an individual. It feels like old works on a different time dimension where people expect me to reply instantly but if I've explained I have a shit phone that can't do match or WhatsApp then I'd like them to give me the benefit of the doubt even if they have had 20 other time wasters.

HairyArsedMan · 27/03/2019 22:39

Do you pay for POF @MrDrummer ? There is a very low rate of interaction with my profile and I wondered if not being an upgraded users was the reason. I can only change my username if I upgrade, unfortunately, so I’m thinking just to bin it. Not sure what a prospective date would make of me being on lots of sites either.

MehIAmKnackered · 27/03/2019 22:42

I'm feeling a bit disheartened tonight. My FWB situation is as confusing as hell. (He is an iron from a couple of years ago that got in touch again recently, we ended things pretty abruptly for one reason or another and never even dtd)

I wasn't sure what being in a non-relationship would be like, whether I could keep romance separate from sex. I don't think I can. I want him to fall for me. The fact that I am seeing him and thinking of him as a friend (interested in his life, concerned for his wellbeing and so on) that I have sex with is basically screwing my brain up a bit. Not sure if I can actually sustain the emotional distance. I'm craving the connection of an actual relationship :(

Eesha · 27/03/2019 22:53

@HairyArsedMan have you tried other sites? I've heard from men that POF generally has loads of fake profiles and isn't a great place to meet 'classier' women. I like it because i like the free chat without matching but i kinda wouldnt take it too seriously in terms of meeting someone long term. Bumble and Tinder might be the way to go.

MrDrummer · 27/03/2019 22:54

@StealthNinjaMum This is the odd thing, anyone I like the look of, I read the profile in full (bloody slog sometimes!) and always reference something in the profile, usually try to make further play with a joke the lady made, or if there are no jokes to be had, then a further inquiry about "oh I see you like 80s music, I saw Howard Jones last year, have you been to any 80s gigs", etc. My friend (now WB) described me would be "star attraction" when I went speed dating, and even that ended with flakey people going wierd (although I loved the night itself)

@HairyArsedMan I don't and tbh ladies that pay for PoF is a bit of a red flag for me, because it's like they are professional PoFfers, if you know what I mean. So I would consider paying for somewhere else, but not PoF.

StealthNinjaMum · 27/03/2019 23:08

Mr Drummer that's odd. You sound so much nicer than most guys I've come into contact with.

It might just be something about your lifestage that puts women off. I am generally not interested in a single guy with no kids because I have kids, guys living with parents, anyone too young for me, too far away. I don't know if it's the done thing but when one of these guys messages I often reply telling them they seem nice but I'm not interested and I tell them why. But these days when I get a 'hello gorgeous' message I just reject it.

JeSuisPrest · 27/03/2019 23:09

@MehIAmKnackered That sounds tough for you. I get the feels really easily, but then I lose them very easily as well if my head gets turned in another direction which is why I try and have a few irons on the go at the same time to avoid over investing - easier said than done if you feel a real connection with someone that you're sleeping with and you're only supposed to be FWB. Maybe time to have an honest chat before you get in any deeper. At least you know neither way?

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