Dating thread 152: onwards and upwards

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

I think that is a good sign. He's making sure he sees you.

Maybe neither of you is the snogging in public type. That just means you need to get some time with him not in public. A netflix and chill date may be exactly what you need.

We will all help you pick yourself back up if need be, @Notcoolmum.

Aaargh public snogging is horrible. But sometimes necessary. A couple of drinks helps it along!

Isn't it a bit odd to decide you're looking for a LTR though? I mean if that's what you're actively seeking isn't that where over investing/neediness comes in? I see dating as meeting people. Some of them you might fancy some of them not. You might end up with a ONS or a LTR, isn't it dependent on chemistry/personality and the connection between you? How can you decide what you want without knowing someone? Isn't each relationship different? And isn't that the joy of it?

Although I'm speaking from the viewpoint of a post menopausal woman who already has children and doesn't need financial support either.

@KhaleesiTargaryen he likes you.

I did once shag on the 2nd date- i really liked her and said i want to be exclusive, her reply, its far too soon to talk about exclusivity.!
I think I called her a player, got dressed and left. Since then i wont shag on a 1st or 2nd date unless its a hook up.

I dont mind multi 1st dates, or even 2nd but if im on a 3rd its getting towards exclusive territory

Shit, shit about Mr Rugby but I guess he was on fab for a reason. Still horrible though

I don't know if it's weird to be looking for a LTR. I think lots of people are. And lots of people are not.

I certainly wouldn't have said that I was... not until I met someone that I wanted to be in one with. I think that might be the usual way to end up in a LTR. You need to meet someone and think, 'oh. This is what I want.'

In fact, I think I would have said that I definitely was not looking for what I ended up deciding I want. After a really horrible, abusive relationship, I was pretty sure I'd never want to live with anyone but my children ever again. But I've since realised that was an overgeneralisation of my feelings about living with my ex.

I've also already had children and don't need (or want) financial support. That's certainly not what I was hoping for from dating. Maybe other people feel differently. I do know some (sociopaths) people who look for relationships purely to fulfil their material (or social) needs, but they will never be happy and they make everyone else miserable. As far as I can tell, the two people I know like this don't even really see their partners or potential partners as people and they end up really angry at how inconveniently person-like they are.

@Crustaceans In a way, yes. The lack of honesty (or just self awareness sometimes) you speak of is revealed when that nice balance of effort is not forthcoming. I agree with you too that expectations play into this.

For example, I completed Bumble. Set my range, swiped carefully, read profiles. I had quite a few matches (not to boast) but they all expired, so I have to conclude they were likely frivolous (or accidental?) swipes. Different expectations and approaches unfortunately. I read a profile last night that said 'This is not a game. if you swipe right on me, I expect to talk' so it obviously happens all the time both ways.

It definitely happened loads to me, @HairyArsedMan. So many matches then silence. Or match then introductory message on bumble to be met with silence.

It is hard to know what to do with the accidental swipe matches I think. It's probably worse to message, 'sorry I didn't mean to swipe on you' than to just let it expire. At least, I think I'd feel it was worse to get a 'you were a mistake' message.

shit I want to know what your joke was now.

Do tell us it @shitwithsugaron ...

Bottom line is it's a piece of piss to swipe, a lot harder to engage. Also I notice Bumble sticks photos up top and distance down at the bottom under the bio so I suspect the non bio- readers don't get that far until the match happens.

Yeah I'd have unmatched you for that as well!
Just kidding :) A rubbish joke is just as good a conversation starter as a bad one to me.

@shitwithsugaron hahaha that's terrible! I would have definitely met up with you after that.

@Crustaceans that's how I expect to end up in a LTR. Meeting someone and thinking oh, this is what I want.

Shitwith that was a great joke!

So I foolishly wore a new pair of shoes to work today (rookie error) as I have a date with Mr Outdoors after work. The shoes have rubbed my feet and it looks like I will be wearing my trainers to the date and then changing outside (and hoping that he doesn't see me!). I have bought some plasters at lunchtime so hopefully will minimise the damage to my feet. Plus it is raining and my hair always goes frizzy in the rain.
Aargh.

We have been messaging back and forth since last week and I am just hoping that we end up fancying each other as I am totally fed up with OLD. I have been on so many disappointing dates in the last few months. Keep your fingers crossed for me everybody.

fingers crossed lilyrose you definitely deserve a good date!!

I laughed. His loss @shitwithsugaron

The not messaging/replying thing also annoys the hell out of me, which is why I keep deleting Bumble as I'm fed up of sending the first message to be ignored! If I've matched with someone I expect to talk to them!

I have a second date tonight with my first ever tinder date. Was going to be a walk and drinks but the weather decided to take a turn for the worst so it's just drinks now. Wondering whether there will be a kiss...a few of my fist kisses seem to have been in pub car parks

Shitwith I think in your shoes I would arrange to meet him and explain face to face what your expectations are from the relationship. If you are not happy with his reply, you can move on. He sounds the type of person who would either ignore or not fully engage with your comments if you made them by text.

I have found some frizz ease serum in my desk drawer, which has improved my mood somewhat for my date tonight. I will at least have better hair than I was expecting. I will put the blister plasters on my feet later too. I am going to the date straight after a business meeting later today, and will not be going back to my office, so I won't have a chance to touch up my makeup etc. I think I will go to a coffee shop near to our meeting point and tidy myself up.

On the subject of what type of relationship I want, I always say I want a 1-2-1 relationship rather than a LTR. I prefer saying that as it feels less committed than saying straight away that I want something serious, but makes it clear I am not looking for a ONS.

Good luck Lily !

I laughed shitwith - and even if I didn't think it was funny it's a springboard for conversation, surely.

I'm having the dullest text exchanges with Mr Gray - I'm losing the will with him.

MrW is funny but doesn't message very much. And a new one, Mr Detective, is also funny and sporadically chatty. That's all my OLD irons ... Fab-wise I'm seeing Mr Big Car again on Saturday. Not going on Fab anymore just now.

And if there is anyone here who was on these threads back in 2016 (!!) I stayed in touch with Mr M and we're meeting up next week. He was a classic 'I Don't Want A Relationship' (IDWAR) iron. But good fun and a great kisser ...

@JeSuisPrest "permanent" may be a bit premature but I'm certainly enjoying it at the moment.
He's also a lot more chatty via text, there wasn't much conversation initially other than the usual politeness. I wonder whether he had another iron to begin with- and of course I had the triangle of mr s and mr guns too. It feels much better and easier to just concentrate on one, and I don't actually have any desire to chat or meet anyone else at the moment. It's been a while since I've only had interest in one