Dating thread 152: onwards and upwards

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

@shitwithsugaron that's pretty shit, I hope he gets in touch with a good reason why he's been quiet.

I've arranged date #3 with Mr Fox for Thursday evening. Can't believe I am going 3 dates without dtd... alien to me I am really not sure when, I don't want to over invest in him only to find we are not compatible in bed. Hoping he suggests date #4 is at his place....

I've cancelled Thursday.
From a purely selfish point of view, I'm just not that bothered about seeing her, because I'm looking forward to seeing MissOz again much more.
Plus I am quite old fashioned and I don't feel comfortable kissing two different women in the same week, let alone anything more.
And in my opinion it's not fair on either of them, everybody else might be doing it but it doesn't mean I have to follow suit if I don't want to.
What's the worst that can happen? It doesn't work out with MissOz and I just go back on the apps again.
Shitwith sorry to hear about MrRugby, he's a knob you deserve better!

This--- I kind of wonder if the multidating expectation actually manages to prevent what might be successful relationships from developing. I think I'd worry that in working so hard not to (over)invest, you both miss the opportunity to actually connect. - Thank you @Crustaceans

Absolutely. I think multi dating is confusing and disrespectful. I have no issue with ONS/FB whatever. But I do with multidating. I think it sows paranoia. When I started dating last year I was surprised by the multidating thing and assumed everyone was doing it. In fact out of the many entanglements I had, only one man was sleeping with/dating others. The rest were just seeing me. I screwed up a potential by assuming he was.

My current squeeze won't last. So I guess by not seeing others I could be said to be overinvesting? But I have no interest in anyone else (first time that's happened!) and I'm expecting to get my heart broken. But you know... it's happened before. I'll live. 🤷‍♀️

I’m finding it hard to put much effort in this week, I have had a few new messages from potential irons, pretty average looking guys, but haven’t got around to replying. I need to pull my finger out and go on some dates but I keep finding better things to do in my spare time like gardening or going to the gym (and sleeping). I need a gentle shove.

@Ant330 yes!!! This is exactly how I feel. Good for you. I think the multidating thing may even be a bit of a myth. I've found it is. Multi chat, yes. Multi snogging, no.

Although I am still the person who accidentally had sex with two men on the same day. But that was my wake up call...

@Lovemusic33 it sounds like you need to be doing other stuff. If you don't feel like dating and don't like the look of them then don't bother! Relax and enjoy the lack of complication!

@shitwithsugaron I so feel for you, that's properly crap if he's just ghosted you. Even a message from him saying, we've had a great time together and I've loved chatting with you but I think it's time to move on would give you some closure

@Ant330 Glad your date went well, but do not cancel your other date - anything can happen in a few days and you may well get sacked off by MissOz for absolutely no reason out of the blue, then you'll be sat at home with no dates back to square one and kicking yourself (this may have happened to me...)

@TooOldForThis67 I'm loving the sound of MrGardner, even with his broken knob. Love Honey exists for a reason and all the guys I've been with have loved using toys with me, even without a broken knob.

@30somethingandsingle No good will come of stalking, been there done that, worn the t shirt with anxiety and inferiority complex written on the front in big letters - MrAbs exes were all petite gorgeous blondes - I am not. I'll admit it did get to me, despite his protestations that he didn't have a "type" and I think now I was just a novelty factor for a bit of a change. Very pleased to hear that MrFox appears to be something of a permanent fixture. Fingers crossed there is compatibility...

MrStone hasn't cancelled on me (yet) for our date tonight.

MrPlumber is being a complete sweetheart even though we're only supposed to be FWB so I've been very clear that I've been going on other dates and he says he's "cool" with that in one breath, then messaging asking if he can meet me for a coffee and a catch up one afternoon after work before he goes away at the weekend to work away for a couple of weeks.

FWB arrangement is new to me - is it normal to meet up inbetween the "benefit" bit for a chat in Costas, or is this very much blurring the lines? I don't want to get the feels for him, but I am The Queen of overthinking and over investing

@Ant330 Just read your update, if that's the way you feel, fair enough. Fingers crossed for you and MissOz.

@shitwithsugaron 😘 it's always the ones you/we like who disappear...

Peanut hey I may well be wrong (it won't be the first or last time) but I just need to go with what I feel comfortable with at the moment.

I tried multi dating, and it worked when I was interested in someone who wasn't really moving things forward and had someone who was a FWB. But actually the FWB wanted more and i'm not sure I really behaved very well.

I wanted to multi date after my current iron told me he wasnt in a place emotionally to be all in with me. I thought it would stop me from over investing. But it just made me feel a bit crappy about myself so I've come off the apps and I'm just going to see what happens with us. I told him what I'd done at the weekend and he was a bit upset, but said he understood. I feel better now it's out in the open and we are just seeing each other. Even if we are at different places.

I agree, I don't think you need any kind of shove, however gentle @Lovemusic33. You aren't all that interested and you have other things you'd rather be doing. I'd just get on with the other things in your place.

It's interesting that you think multidating might be less usual than we might assume, @Peanuthedz. You might be right. Personally, once I'd found someone I wanted to kiss, I wasn't interested in even chatting to anyone else never mind dating. Actually, I wasn't really interested in multi-chatting once I'd started a chat that seemed promising.

I'm not sure that any of the multidaters are doing anything wrong though, so long as everyone is clear about what is going on. But I do think that it may well not be the best way to go for people who are looking for a properly invested relationship (rather than something more casual).

I do think Rule 3 about overinvesting emotionally too soon is important. Because it is so very easy to project all over someone's messages and imagine them to be completely different to what they actually are. You do need to hold yourself back a bit to make sure that you are actually investing in the person you're talking to/meeting rather than what you hope they are. But that's true of any relationship building.

As @HairyArsedMan suggests, I'm not sure that multidating necessarily solves this particular problem.

Well as you said what's the worst that can happen? Whether she likes you or not or it leads somewhere or not is not dependent on you having a back up....

I wonder if it's generational. I'm 50.

That was for @Ant330

It sounds to me @Notcoolmum like multidating wasn't really the solution to your problem there. The issue is that your iron was refusing to commit anything (and holding back from investing in you).

I think, in this situation, the problem isn't with you 'overinvesting' at all. It's that he might not be in the same place emotionally as you (or even willing to try to get there). You aren't wrong for wanting to invest in someone emotionally. The problem here is that he's almost vetoed it happening at all. And then he got upset that you had not been all in with him, which makes it worse.

Are you sure you want to persist if he's said he's not emotionally in a place where he can be all in with you?

Maybe Peanut I'm 47.
I don't actually think I'm overinvesting too much, I'm not planning my future with her, just a 3rd date
JeSuis you're right I could well be back to square one at some point if this doesn't work, but I've been single before and I'm fine with that potential outcome.

yes crustaceans I do want to persist. We are in different places but he is being very open and honest with me and he has genuine feelings for me, I can tell. We are worth giving it a shot and I might end up totally heartbroken, but I am going in to this with my eyes open. I know he is giving me all he can right now, as he faces up to the feelings he has over separating from his wife and building a different relationships with his children. I might need support from this lovely group if it all ends badly though!! It feels worth the risk...

I'm 38. It may or may not be generational.

Or it might be about the emotional and practical realities of people's lives right now. There are a quite lot of more or less 'emotionally unavailable' (for all manner of reasons) on dating apps. I suspect a lot of people are fearful of getting hurt (because, frankly, no one enjoys that) so they aren't able to properly invest in anything.

That isn't really a criticism of these people. But it would help if people could be upfront that they really are looking at casual things that pass the time for them. It's hard because we don't always have the personal insight to be able to recognise that's where we are not able to invest. And, even when we do to some extent, we might still pursue the wrong kind of things (like @Notcoolmum's not in the right place guy seems to be doing).

Personally, I decided to embark on OLD with no bloody idea what I wanted. I figured it out as I went along. And actually it was meeting MrSG that made me realise I actually did want a 'proper relationship' (of the aiming to shack up and spend your lives together kind), at least with him. So I'm certainly not going to criticise anyone else for figuring things out as they go. I might equally have realised that I wasn't ready for that kind of thing, or just wasn't ever going to want to live with another man again etc.

Notcoolmum at least you're going into it with your eyes open knowing what the potential downside is. Only you can decide if that's worth it, but it's better to regret the things you've done...

I really hope it works out @Notcoolmum. You can only try (it'll definitely never work out if you don't).

I did end things with him ant330 but that felt awful and we ended up gravitating back to each other. i've been single a long time and so in a different place emotionally, but I enjoy the time we spend together and I'd rather have what we have than nothing at all right now.

So, update, Lots of messages last night including a goodnight with kisses (from him) and then texted me first thing this morning too. He has plans which encroach on the weekend - and I had to cancel our original planned date due to a childcare clash and suggested we meet a day earlier. He seems keen to make that work rather than leave it a bit longer so that's a good sign?

@Sunshineandflipflops I love kisssing too.

@shitwithsugaron any word today?

@WarIsPeace his lucnbox seems well stocked so I'm hopeful about the pancakes!

Thanks @TooOldForThis67 and @Notcoolmum hope so

@Crustacean Yes, I think I'm a bit more reserved in that respect - love hugs and arm in arm stuff but full on snogging in public isn't my thing.

@Peanuthedz absolutely agree on the multidating thing.

Thanks crustaceans I hope so too! But if not I hope to enjoy the time we have and then be able to pick myself back up...