Dating thread 152: onwards and upwards

[30somethingandsingle]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

lol I just believed the decorators had stuff everywhere 🤣
Khaleesi- I dated someone for couple of weeks and was like that at first but like someone else said I think it was a sign things weren’t right. Sorry

@KhaleesiTargaryen Wouldyou go 3 dates without a snog if you fancied someone?

Er... unlikely to keep me interested. Agree with @Sunshineandflipflops
But there are plenty of physical cues you can give that you're interested and if none of them work then maybe he has other issues there, not just nerves!

2 months in with my new date and I'm getting the light starting to flash in my head that says: "I need to see you more than one evening a week". We both have kids 50% of the time so a bit tricky, and I'm wary of looking too clingy too early though. AIBU?

Stalking checking out an irons ex on Facebook... why? No good ever comes of it

Khaleesi I'd assume if he's arranging a 4th date then he's clearly interested, it sounds like he's being too gentlemanly and just needs a prod in the right direction.
It sounds like you want him to make the 1st move, but if he's not going to then you should.

@KhaleesiTargaryen It took us until date three I think it was. Purely because for the first two dates it was entirely inappropriate to make a first move. But the third was totally awkward but totally us when I just lunged in on the sofa watching a film 🙈 However, we are very open and talked after every date that we did really fancy each other and wanted to kiss, it was just finding the right moment. If you start to doubt if he fancies you, chances are there's a reason as to why you're feeling that way. Either that or he's just a really really shy person!

2nd date this evening with MissOz and we had a great time.
While we're on the subject of kissing, we had an awkward kiss at the end of date 1 where I felt like a teenager again. But tonight we had a proper kiss as soon as we got out of the car near the restaurant. It was nice to find out she's a good kisser :)
Lovely evening followed by some snogging in the car
Will be going out again this week, just need to organise when. And I think I'm going to cancel my other date that I'd organised for this Thurs, but I'll decide tomorrow.

I replied to Mr "that would be telling". I used WarIsPeace's line about taxidermy & nude night fishing.
Him: I like some things in the nude but not fishing
Me: I'm not here for sex talk if that's where you're going
Him: just saying I have a normal sexual appetite.
Me: (rolls eyes)

Why are they all like this??

khaleesi 3 dates in a week and arranging a 4th. He definitely likes you. When I was dating last time round I did 3 dates without a kiss. I couldn’t understand it as he clearly fancied me. The last date was at his house and we kissed. A Netflix and chill date sounds needed.

marc have you had the exclusive chat. I’d be pleased if a man I’ve bwen seeing for 2 months said he needed to see me more than once a week. My iron has said similar.

shitwith really sorry Mr Rugby has gone flakey. Could it just be a busy day and normal service will resume?

myoldbrain sex chat with someone I’ve not met leaves me cold. I’ve not had any of that this time round.

Morning All

Ant - that sounds great but I wouldn't be canx new date after 2nd date with MissOz, that would be over-investing, lol.
shitwith - sorry to hear you're feeling deflated. All is not lost with MrRugby?
Khaleesi - maybe he's inexperienced/shy but obviously keen on you. I agree with others, you need to give him the come on. Fingers crossed for you.

MrGardener made an impromptu visit yesterday. We agree that we both feel easy with each other. He's coming round again tonight. He's a 'working man' rather than 'educated' but we have such deep conversations on all topics and have such a laugh. He is a breath of fresh air!

TooOld yes I know it is and yes I know I am lol.
I'll have a think about it today and decide later.

We've been for drinks - would you snog in a pub?

Yes. And I have. 😲I would be quite frustrated at the 4th date with no snog too. If he's arranging dates, he must like you, but you'd think he'd go in for a snog. Perhaps he realises that you're not comfortable with public snogging (I guess it does feel like regressing to your teenage years). You might have to seize the initiative.

I snogged MrSG on our first date. In fact, I gave him a kiss on the cheek (in the pub) and he said he'd 'like to do that'. (We are a bit rubbish and awkward I think). So we snogged (and it was properly the best kiss ever 😁). We DTD on the second date. TBH, I had to be quite firm with myself not to just take him home at the end of the first date.

Like others, I really wouldn't feel fancied if there was no attempt at snogging. I think an introductory coffee date maybe doesn't lend itself to snogging, but if you've gone for drinks then I'd be wondering why it had only amounted to brief and (pretty chaste) kisses at the end of the date.

@MarcMyWords After 2 months, I don't think anyone would think it clingy to say that you wanted to see someone more than once a week. I'd be very keen to see more of someone I liked.

I'm glad things are going well with MrGardener, @TooOldForThis67. I hope his knob is on the mend soon. It must have been quite embarrassing to have to tell someone about that.

That sounds like a brilliant date with MsOz, @Ant330. Glad she's a good kisser (these things are important - I stupidly spent a decade with my ex who was a horrible kisser).

I'm sorry that MrRugby is being flakey, @shitwithsugaron. This dating thing is bloody hard.

I have no idea why so many men seem to think you'll be up for sex chat before you've met them, @MyOldBrainStoppedWorking. It leaves me (very, very) cold. At one point I was talking to a guy (who worked for the same employer as me, but not in anything like the same area or even location, thankfully) who was totally flakey. He'd suggest dates (in his local pub) and then go quiet when it came to actually going on them. But worse than that, he just couldn't stop making letchy comments whenever I said I had been or was going swimming (or just taking my son swimming, which I do all the time).

I found it the most off-putting thing in the world. And he didn't seem to get the message that it was irritating me, even though I'd shut it down with comments about how not sexy my (extremely dull, designed for sport) swimsuit, swimming gap, earplugs and goggles are. Or pointing out that there's nothing in any way sexy about me sitting about watching a group of children doing 90 minutes of swim training. Who makes letchy comments when someone says their taking the kid swimming? Seriously.

I imagine that he's a pathetic, socially awkward guy who is probably still bothering women on tinder with letchy comments and not bloody meeting them at all (because he's useless and socially awkward). He's just a timewaster I think. A creepy timewaster. So I have no regrets about not meeting him.

See I don't really get this over investing multi dating thing. It's a bit shit on the person you are messaging/dating as a fallback. It's kind of using them purely not to overinvest. And i suspect it's why people end up ghosting. And it's confusing for everyone! I know I'm old fashioned. But what's the worst that can happen if you do overinvest?

I couldn't do the not investing thing either. It really just wasn't me. And, actually, the whole point was that I was looking to invest in someone (who was also investing in me). I really could not have coped with multidating (and being multidated).

I'm not sure if it's 'old fashioned' (it may well be), or just about different dispositions. I think I am the sort of person that is either in or out. And if I'm in, I'll be all in. I just don't do hedging my bets. Luckily I met someone who is the same.

Ah. It was flakey because it'd be ghosting and then coming back (with an excuse) after the missed date opportunity. So not quite ghosting but actually more annoying than that.

I'd see ghosting as being about just disappearing. It's different when they keep popping back up like a weed.

I don't think I was worried about it being shitty behaviour, but more that it gave me a clue that he was a useless fuckwit really.

But I never really had an issue with people disappearing/fading off/whatever if we hadn't actually met.

The only time in my life that I've really considered myself as having been ghosted was my boyfriend at university. We were together for 2 years and then he just disappeared. That hurt, a lot. But, in hindsight, he was a shit and in no way good enough for me.

@shitwithsugaron has he replied? I think given that you've DTD and been messaging so much you could ask him where he's gone? There could be an explanation. You never know.

@PeanutHedz In complete agreement with you on that. I think the key part is investing and treating people well and the hard to define part is 'overinvesting' which I think is a cue to not expect too much in return or to expect a matching investment ? Whatever, I never had the feeling that multi-dating solved that problem.

It is his loss @shitwithsugaron. Ghosting someone after you've met and DTD is objectively shit behaviour. You do owe them some sort of ending in that situation.

Do you think that 'overinvesting' is really about mismatching your level of investment to theirs, @HairyArsedMan?

I kind of wonder if the multidating expectation actually manages to prevent what might be successful relationships from developing. I think I'd worry that in working so hard not to (over)invest, you both miss the opportunity to actually connect.

And I do think that part of finding a relationship does involve being open and therefore potentially vulnerable to getting hurt (a bit). I don't see how you can do it without taking the risk.

But, again, I do think that there is an issue that loads of people on OLD are looking for different things. In an environment where lots of people are looking for casual things (and aren't always honest about this), it is difficult to be sure about who to risk investing in.