Update...is this even a possibility?

[Cherryblossom200]

Update...is this even a possibility?

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted on here for a while. But a few years ago I came on here for some advice.

To cut a long story short, I met someone at 37 whom I fell in love with. He was the same age as me and he told me straight away that he had a visa for Australia with the view to live there later in the year. We both felt strongly for each other so we wanted to see how things progressed.

After 5 months things were going well, however the constant pressure of him leaving was overwhelming and was the white elephant in the room. I was scared of getting hurt obviously.

We spoke about having children and he seemed to want them. Fast forward 5 months on. I fell pregnant, he ran to Australia. I didn’t stop him and we didn’t speak for about 3 years.

We only started talking just before my DD’s 3rd birthday. It started with just emails once every 2 months or so, which gradually become once every month.

He met her for the first time last year, and we still had chemistry which was quite confusing. But he left to head back to Australia and we just continued with emails.

Now it’s progressed into FaceTime calls and just recently he has started what’sapping me with photos of oz etc just light messages.

I have been incredibly careful about ensuring my DD doesn’t get hurt in this process. She is my number one priority hence why I’ve never met her meet anyone (not that I’ve dated that much 😆)

I’m happy on my own, have a job I enjoy and a lovely little home. Technically I don’t need anyone, but it would be lovely for my DD to have her dad in her life.

He is coming back for Christmas this year. and just filled out his application for citizenship which will means he can leave oz indefinitely and go back at a later date.

It’s clear that we still have a connection and chemistry, I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible if we could get back to together after everything that has happened. It would have to be taken very slowly of course.

Any advice?

Would you honestly give him a chance? If so, you're a better woman than me.

I’m not sure I could knowing how low down in his priorities I was. I would feel like he would just be settling for me.

I honestly don’t know yet.

He'll bolt again, and this time he'll damage your DD. That's how 'lovely it will be for her to have him in her life'.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't introduce him as her father for some time. Does he pay maintenance?

Is he at least paying maintenance?

He didn’t have contact with his daughter for three years? How does that make you feel about him as a person?

I remember your previous thread, OP just don't. Think of your dd not your love life, he will almost definitely bolt again when life becomes to serious and you will be left repairing the devastation .

Yes I can see how that probably comes across Maddy. And I don’t want to feel second best. My ex had never really been in a proper long term relationship before he met me. When he met me he got completely freaked out by how he felt. I should of seen the red flags. But at the time I was a bit blind sided by lust and naive. So he bolted and I think now he is regretting it.

I think I remember your original thread last year.

Is he from the UK and does he have parents/siblings here? What's their role with your daughter?

I don’t think I could allow myself to feel chemistry with someone who walked out on my child.

You are all echoing my thoughts exactly...

It’s definitley important we continue the FaceTime chats etc. But I think I’ll forget about about ideas of us playing happy families. I have always wanted to protect my DD from getting hurt and have been ultra cautious about meeting someone new. In the past 4 years I’ve only dated one person and didn’t introduce her to him.

I don’t think he got freaked out by how he felt.

He wanted a shag and you were gullible.

As soon as responsibility came knocking, he legged it. What a prince, eh?

Hell would freeze over for me to give someone a second chance in this scenario. Doees he pay decent maintenance. If he doesn't I'd not even bother responding.

You sound like a convenient option for him, but not a priority. Has he paid maintenance for his own child?

‘Just here’ - yes he is from the UK and has siblings and a brother. My DD sees her grandad now which is great

No he hasn’t paid maintenance because I never asked for it. I wanted to do everything on my own so he wouldn’t have control.

In the past 4 years I’ve only dated one person and didn’t introduce her to him.
Very admirable, but to be fair her father never bothered his arse to meet her for 3 years.

I suspect that he will be very keen to see DD. A couple of times, at any rate. He'll want to claim his macho prize - the little human that brings him kudos,.

But he's not her real father, is he. Biodad doesn't cut it, quite. Remember that for her, no father is better - a lot better - than a bad or absent one.

And by law DD has a right to see him if she chooses, but he has no rights to see her at all. Unless a court decides he does - courts are there for a reason.

You're her mother, not an unpaid nanny doing what this man says and bringing up his kids for 0 - you alone can act in her best interests.

I think you're fantasising a bit, and you may come a cropper.

He abandoned his own child for years and didn’t give a fuck.

I wouldn’t even entertain him let alone reply to his emails.

Would you really be happy to be with a man who was happy to not even think about his own DD for three years? He might be making a small amount of effort now but I'd be looking for him to actually make a change before I let him back in.

It also sounds like you'd struggle with separating your relationship with him and your DD's relationship with him.

I’ve erased any thoughts of getting back together. Thank you 😊

Yes the chemistry is there but it’s that’s all it is.

You have all confirmed my concerns, my DD is happy and stable and I want to keep it that way.

Just seen he didn't even offer maintenance, he didn't even want the best for his child. It's a big no from me.

I couldn't do it. Even if things worked out, I think you would always think to yourself, he missed a huge chunk of DDs life. I know I would definitely resent him for that.