Update...is this even a possibility?

[Cherryblossom200]

Update...is this even a possibility?

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted on here for a while. But a few years ago I came on here for some advice.

To cut a long story short, I met someone at 37 whom I fell in love with. He was the same age as me and he told me straight away that he had a visa for Australia with the view to live there later in the year. We both felt strongly for each other so we wanted to see how things progressed.

After 5 months things were going well, however the constant pressure of him leaving was overwhelming and was the white elephant in the room. I was scared of getting hurt obviously.

We spoke about having children and he seemed to want them. Fast forward 5 months on. I fell pregnant, he ran to Australia. I didn’t stop him and we didn’t speak for about 3 years.

We only started talking just before my DD’s 3rd birthday. It started with just emails once every 2 months or so, which gradually become once every month.

He met her for the first time last year, and we still had chemistry which was quite confusing. But he left to head back to Australia and we just continued with emails.

Now it’s progressed into FaceTime calls and just recently he has started what’sapping me with photos of oz etc just light messages.

I have been incredibly careful about ensuring my DD doesn’t get hurt in this process. She is my number one priority hence why I’ve never met her meet anyone (not that I’ve dated that much 😆)

I’m happy on my own, have a job I enjoy and a lovely little home. Technically I don’t need anyone, but it would be lovely for my DD to have her dad in her life.

He is coming back for Christmas this year. and just filled out his application for citizenship which will means he can leave oz indefinitely and go back at a later date.

It’s clear that we still have a connection and chemistry, I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible if we could get back to together after everything that has happened. It would have to be taken very slowly of course.

Any advice?

I know you say you've only dated one other guy and your DD didn't meet him, but weren't you at one point seriously considering moving to Norway or somewhere for him?

I think you really want a relationship and your ex now seems like an easy option. Which it might be to begin with, but it will ultimately end up a worse mess than ever.

And get CM for you daughter. Don't be such a doormat. It doesn't mean he has control. It means your daughter has everything she is entitled to.

You see I think very differently to a lot of people clearly. I didn’t introduce him to my DD for almost a year. He has consistently been reliable and moving from email to FaceTime was his suggestion. For those saying I shouldn’t let him near my daughter. I disagree, yes what he did was wrong - of course no question about that. But I’m happy he is in my daughters life even if it is from the other side of the world. I have managed the whole process careful and with utmost thought and consideration to my DD’s emotional well-being and stability. I plan to keep it that way.

And yes I am only human and can’t help but feel a connection to my ex. But I won’t act on it.

I think I’ve got the answer I was looking for - so thank you all!

Don't let your DD suffer for your own 'love story' ... He hasn't been there through the difficult stages of early parenting so probably has no idea what is REALLY involved. It's lovely that he sees his DD but he's not a Dad.

Popping off, yes that that a while ago. Since then I’ve been firmly single and done a hell of a lot of soul searching, seen a councillor which helped greatly.

I would like a relationship yes, but I’m not in any rush. I enjoy being single and enjoy my life! After pretty much 5 years of being on my own I think it would be nice to have someone in my life again. I feel ready now.

I don't remember your other thread but: how old is he? If he was in his early twenties when he got you pregnant,I suppose there is a possibility he has grown up enough to be a decent dad, but if he's still being vague about what he wants then nope.

sorry to go ot i dont think u need a visa to return to your own country of birth or have things changed

OP says they met at 37.

OP none of the people on here know you so ignore their character assassination of you because it’s easy to impart advice and to make a judgement on the few words you’ve written...I’m in a similar position myself and really don’t know what to do. Of course you must put your child first before anything but what’s to say having him in her life would be so disastrous? I’ve read up on this extensively and the thought is that it is better for a child to have two parents rather than one....of course she wouldn’t be benefitted from a father who comes and goes as he pleases...could you date him for a while and keep him away from your DD until you felt absolutely sure? I’m not advocating you take him back btw just giving you an alternative.

So he didn’t have any contact with his daughter for 3 years (by choice) and offered no financial support for her?

I mean, why wouldn’t want such a wonderful man in your life

No he hasn't been reliable OP, email and facetime are basically nothing, just breadcrumbs.
If you asked him to start supporting your daughter financially like he should be doing you would never hear from him again.

could you date him for a while and keep him away from your DD until you felt absolutely sure?

That's ridiculous. Why would anyone want to date the actual father of their child if they couldn't be sure he was capable of being a decent father, never mind a decent partner?

That's actually kind of twisted

the money doesnt mean control no court acknoledges that to do with any deicions to be made about visititan etc

He might have been planning to go to Oz when you were seeing each other, but the second you feel pregnant (which he had equal responsibility for with you) and wanted to proceed with the pregnancy, the only 3 decent things he could've done were;

A. Cancelled or long term postponed his plans to emigrate in order to be on the same country as his baby (with or without a relationship with you)

B. Emigrated with you both at a suitable time (obviously dependant on a relationship continuing and going well)

C. (And this is absolutely minimal) emigrated but kept in touch very regularly and made arrangements to pay for and regularly see his child (as regularly as possible in person from such a great distance).

He didn't do any of those things.

He made/helped make a child and then scarpered, just continued with his plans to emigrate like it hadn't happened and she didn't exist. That is stratospheric level head in sand, irresponsibility and fecklessness. Don't give your daughter another parent who's feckless and irresponsible by bringing him into her life now. At the very least agree to correspond about her and see how long and how reliability he keeps that up for (not a year, that's not long and by fuck does he need to price himself).

Liberty thanks. Sometimes I go feel people on mumsnet do go a little too far 😬

I think it’s important he is in her life. As long as he continues to be consistent and make an effort to contact her then I’m happy with that. Whether or not they ever have a true father/DD relationship remains to be seen.

Nice to see your updates too cherryblossom

I am going to change tack from DD’s dad and your ex, and ask how you are doing yourself? In a normal week, what things do you do for yourself?

I remember when I was a single mum to DD, she was pretty much my life, along with my job. In some ways, it was a really special time which I would not change for the world (and by the way, I have not ever pursued her dad for maintenance either, partly because he has always been on his uppers supporting his second family after losing his job when she was little and having to retrain; you need to make the decisions which are right for you and that is really your own business).

On the other hand, it was quite isolating and that is what I mean by being vulnerable (your heart can quite easily go on little flights of fancy). Have you talked to anyone like a counsellor about what has happened and how it has left you feeling, or have you just got on with it? I wonder if it would be helpful to talk it through with someone professional, just to get your feelings clear, and working out what is important to you to do with your life going forward, not just being a mum or in relation to DD’s dad.

This is a long way of saying work out what YOU want from your life, which does not depend on whether he comes or goes from Oz. That way you will have strong roots to deal with whatever comes along.

I agree with the other posters saying he should pay towards her as well, he's already 3 years behind on payments he should have insisted on paying for his child.

Thanks Katara 😊

Yes she is pretty much my life and I love it that way. I was 38 when I had her so I had a full life before I had her and was ready to be a parent.

I work four days a week, go to the gym at lunchtime and the other three days I’m with my DD. I don’t feel isolated really, I have family close by and great friends I see all the time! I’m very lucky in that respect.

I saw a great consellor last yet and read lots of books which helped. I definitley don’t feel I am in the same place I was when we first split up.

How did you meet your new partner?

I’ve tried online dating and get asked out on dates a fair bit but I never actually go on any dates. I just haven’t met anyone I want to meet in real life yet.

Also agree that facetime and emails are scraps, low effort, no responsibility, no sacrifice .. it's the equivalent of people who message loads in dating but almost never make and follow through on definite plans - they confuse others to no end, but the reality is it's a low effort, easy activity when they gave some free time or are bored; it doesn't mean anything much.

You seem to have expected so little of him to make excuses for him, to judge him so mildly .. is it because you fancy him/are holding a candle for him? You've let him a away with so much, did you even say "this is your baby too, your responsibility as much as mine, if you do off to Oz, that's it" and if not, why not? You're so non judgemental and non angry, you remind me of women who purposefullh got pregnant to try to keep a man and then out up with any shit from him because they have that guilt and stoicism underneath about doing that - no offense but is that what happened, is that why you let him away with so much?

I am going to play devil's advocate and put a new slant on this.

We spoke about having children and he seemed to want them. Fast forward 5 months on. I fell pregnant, he ran to Australia.

Are you being completely honest with yourself over this Cherryblossom?

It appears that YOU wanted a child and you assumed he did - he'seemed to'- not exactly a mutual desire I expect at the time.

My guess is you decided to try to conceive and he wasn't really that keen- sorry if that's not the case, but the way you have explained this implies you wanted a baby and he was well.....a convenient way to have one because you were 37 and getting too old.

IF this is how it was, I don't think you can expect anything from man who already had plans to emigrate to Oz.

Ok, some men may have decided to stay in the UK but unless you can say 100% truthfully that he was equally committed to having a child and willing to support it financially and emotionally, then you are not being fair or honest.

He may have spent a lot of time 'growing up' and deciding he wants to see his DD. legally, I suspect he has a right to some access if he pushed.

I think you have to let him see her but not tell her who he is initially and see if his interest is genuine and permanent.

If you asked him to start supporting your daughter financially like he should be doing you would never hear from him again.

This. I guarantee if you ask him to put his hand in his pocket he’ll be off like a shot. Says everything you need to know about him. FaceTiming is absolute breadcrumbs, when times got hard he buggered off without a backward glance.

He was a grown man who behaved like an immature teenager.

You enjoy your life as it is; I'm all for forgiving but guard yourself carefully. Keep it light.

Good luck .

Just wondering what is the purpose of the emails and FaceTiming?

you can have chemistry that wont just disappear.but you can have chemistry with a bloke and a flrty in a pub! this bloke left you.left your dd.and not just to live and then be a good dad in oz but just left with no contact.mmm yeh.nope nope nope

Actually it was I who dictated to him that we should start things on email. Not him.

I’m not at all defending his actions, but with him being in oz we have very few options of communications other than email, FaceTime and what’s app.

Anyway I’m going to leave it here and I can tell I’m about to get a huge character assassination.

Thanks to those for your advice 😊 x

I don’t have a partner. I did meet someone when DD was four, but it was an absolute car crash of a relationship. Many red flags, that is where I learned the value of autonomy!

I think you sound in a good place and you will make sound judgements going forward. I think you have done a great job so far