Update...is this even a possibility?

[Cherryblossom200]

Update...is this even a possibility?

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted on here for a while. But a few years ago I came on here for some advice.

To cut a long story short, I met someone at 37 whom I fell in love with. He was the same age as me and he told me straight away that he had a visa for Australia with the view to live there later in the year. We both felt strongly for each other so we wanted to see how things progressed.

After 5 months things were going well, however the constant pressure of him leaving was overwhelming and was the white elephant in the room. I was scared of getting hurt obviously.

We spoke about having children and he seemed to want them. Fast forward 5 months on. I fell pregnant, he ran to Australia. I didn’t stop him and we didn’t speak for about 3 years.

We only started talking just before my DD’s 3rd birthday. It started with just emails once every 2 months or so, which gradually become once every month.

He met her for the first time last year, and we still had chemistry which was quite confusing. But he left to head back to Australia and we just continued with emails.

Now it’s progressed into FaceTime calls and just recently he has started what’sapping me with photos of oz etc just light messages.

I have been incredibly careful about ensuring my DD doesn’t get hurt in this process. She is my number one priority hence why I’ve never met her meet anyone (not that I’ve dated that much 😆)

I’m happy on my own, have a job I enjoy and a lovely little home. Technically I don’t need anyone, but it would be lovely for my DD to have her dad in her life.

He is coming back for Christmas this year. and just filled out his application for citizenship which will means he can leave oz indefinitely and go back at a later date.

It’s clear that we still have a connection and chemistry, I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible if we could get back to together after everything that has happened. It would have to be taken very slowly of course.

Any advice?

Has he any more offspring in Australia that you know of?

No he hasn’t got any other children

Well done. Now all you've got to do is resist the no-doubt unfair pressure he'll be exerting to let them meet. If the GP is reasonable, he will understand where you're coming from when you explain your reservations in advance of the visit.

Mate, if he was a suitable candidate to be a real dad you'd have had maintenance whether or not you'd asked for it. Or he'd have set up ISAs or sim for her.

Sorry. Shag him, by all means, but that's all he's worth right now.

What kind of person behaves like he has? And you're seriously considering that you would be interested in someone like that? Putting aside that this is a horrendous idea for your daughter, have higher standards for yourself!!

I think the fantasy that everything will work out is apparent.

But look at his track record. He left you with his daughter to raise alone. Did he ever contribute towards her care?

Maybe Oz didn't work out and he is setting himself up for a ready-made home, at least temporarily, on his return.

Please be very careful. I wouldn't trust him. He's always suited himself

He wasn’t scared by how he felt. He left you and your daughter and moved to Australia. Without you.
A few Facetike calls doesn’t means he regrets his decision.. it means he’s not seeing anyone else.
This man will break your heart and potentially your dd’s. Let him have a role as her father but don’t let him screw YOU over. Find somebody who wants to be with you.. in this country, in your life.

Rainy it’s not something I’ve thought about until now. Of course I would have loved the happily ever after ending. But I know it isn’t right for my DD or myself and forgetting about the idea.

I remember your previous thread. This guy is a feckless bum.

OP, you're projecting your own feelings, wishes, hopes and dreams onto this man. He does NOT feel the same way. He does NOT intend to make a family with you. He does NOT mean to be a father to your daughter.

He has repeatedly, willfully abandoned this child. That makes him feckless, useless and possibly abusive. Don't serve your child up on a plate to be dumped again. Put the best interests of your daughter ahead of your dream to make a family with this man, because that is never going to happen. The best interests of your daughter will be best served by being kept far away from the donor of half her DNA.

I'm sorry. I know that's harsh. But it's the truth, and the reality of your situation. You have a child and you need to face up to harsh reality for her sake.

Hi Cherryblossom

I posted on your original threads. Am I remembering correctly that he contacted you and wanted to try and sort things out regarding contact with your DD? In other words, the initiative came from him?

Firstly, I do think it is good that he now has some contact and he has been to see DD and is staying in regular contact.

Secondly, I think if i remember correctly, you said you would judge him by his actions and take things very, very slowly to see how he was with her and whether he kept it up.

You are still at that stage of - is he going to stay reliable for your DD? Christmas is a long time away, and you need to keep your cool head on. Day to day you are the one looking after DD, keeping your house and doing your job. You have done this all yourself, wonderfully - and you have made the grown up and in my view mature decision to allow DD to get to know her dad as he wished to resume contact. You are doing wonderfully well and you might not think of yourself as vulnerable, but you are, really.

You are on your own doing all the work, having been more or less abandoned by this guy. Now he is back in touch, and of course you did not stop loving and feeling attracted to him, he left. So if you have not dealt with the feelings you had for him, of course they are still there.

That is all that is clear now. Thinking with your heart, you would not be human if you did not start thinking ‘what if?’. Of course you want the family you thought you were going to have and he is giving you just enough to think that is still possible. Indeed, it may be possible with a lot of time and reliability on his part and not rushing into anything.

But equally, it may not be possible and just more heartache ahead. All you can know, however, is that you have always done the right thing for your DD and he will always be her father. If he appreciates that and is reliable and keeps his word to her, that is the priority. But he can do that without hurting you more in the process.

Don’t let your heart run ahead of your head. Keep communication open and clear and if you ever feel confused, or uncomfortable, then be honest with him. Tell him you value him being in DD’s life but you need appropriate boundaries and clarity around your relationship with him. Time will tell what your relationship with him will be like - the best outcome is amicable co-parenting and enjoying each other’s company, for DD’s sake. But not at the expense of your emotional well being if you want something that it turns out he is not able to give. Protect yourself . What will be will be, as they say.

Apart from anything else, you do not really know him. You need to get to know him and that takes time. You have already given him so much. Take your time and get to know him and as you said previously, see how he is over time.

All the best

Massive x-post there sorry!

Wow. I would judge a man like this and judge you if you let him meet your daughter only for him to fuck off again

You "didn't ask" for maintenance so he didn't offer ? Jesus Christ.

Hey Katara 😊 lovely to hear from you again. Thank you for your great words 👍 as yes you have said things exactly as they are. I am only human and of course the feelings are still there.

But I don’t want to get hurt and more importantly I don’t want my DD to get hurt.

That’s why I always come on there because as brutal as some of the advice can be 😆 it’s always so refreshingly honest and helpful. Any little silly feelings I have disappear quite quickly! Thanks everyone 😊

I didn’t want any maintenance because it was easier for me to go it alone. Plus I didn’t want to give him any control and it worked out well that way.

One thought from personal experience and seeing others respond to similar circumstances; it's very hard to feel that a parent was so uninterested in us that they never bothered to make contact or offer support. It's damaging to ones sense of self and there's invariably a longing that it might somehow be different or that there might be an acceptable reason. If there's a way in which you can keep the door open and accept even the little that he is offering your daughter, I think that would be the kind thing to do - for her not him. Hope it all goes well.

What "control" could he have from thousands of miles away ?

Is his name on the birth certificate ?

agree with AF - I would massively judge this man and you too if you took him back. What a risk to your dd! why would you do that to her? He's shown what he's like. He had his chance, and he bolted. What a cunt.

(fwiw my mum did this to my dad and it didn't work out at all! She really didn't think about her children in any of it and even went on to have another child with him - just to be left again and again. ).

As I said I have erased all thought of it. Thanks for the advice though.

I'm glad you're convinced. But sorry, I'm not.

If I had wanted him I’m my life so desperately I would have begged him to stay and not left it so long until we had contract again. Honestly I’m not the desperate woman you are portraying me to be. In fact I’m far from it.

Retain your dignity? How dare he?

If I had wanted him I’m my life so desperately I would have begged him to stay and not left it so long until we had contract again.
If he could breeze off to Oz, leaving you pregnant with his child, then not returning for 3 years, I doubt any begging from you would have made a blind bit of different. He bailed on his daughter. Lower than a snake's belly.

I'd fuck him off OP hes an absolute waste of space.
He wont be there for your DD ever and will just let her down. Hes just playing games with you/ stringing you along with emails etc.

My ex had never really been in a proper long term relationship before he met me. When he met me he got completely freaked out by how he felt.

Biggest cliché ever - women often the themselves and each other this; it's generally utter bullshit, bit it's appealing 'its not that he doesn't have strong enough feelings so he fucked off, its that his feelings are too strong so he fucked off". Balm to the ego but generally complete bullshit.

He just acted the same way he'd done to every previous woman he didn't get into a steady relationship with. His feelings were different but somehow he acted exactly the same way.

He's probably quite attractive/charismatic - maybe he's dark triad; it's obvious that seeing him makes you think with your heart & nether regions instead of your head. You seem to be saying you've wised up about him, but I'd say you have more waking up and more work to do. I'd be letting him nowhere near your daughter to be honest, he's unreliable, low integrity, flaky, I could go on ..

*tell

Also 'his feelings were different but somehow he acted exactly the same way' was supposed to have a question mark at the end i.e . I doubt it.

OP I think you find him exciting and still carry a torch for him. You are setting yourself, and your daughter, up for a fall. This man isn’t going to be the man you want.