Update...is this even a possibility?

[Cherryblossom200]

Update...is this even a possibility?

Hi everyone,

I haven’t posted on here for a while. But a few years ago I came on here for some advice.

To cut a long story short, I met someone at 37 whom I fell in love with. He was the same age as me and he told me straight away that he had a visa for Australia with the view to live there later in the year. We both felt strongly for each other so we wanted to see how things progressed.

After 5 months things were going well, however the constant pressure of him leaving was overwhelming and was the white elephant in the room. I was scared of getting hurt obviously.

We spoke about having children and he seemed to want them. Fast forward 5 months on. I fell pregnant, he ran to Australia. I didn’t stop him and we didn’t speak for about 3 years.

We only started talking just before my DD’s 3rd birthday. It started with just emails once every 2 months or so, which gradually become once every month.

He met her for the first time last year, and we still had chemistry which was quite confusing. But he left to head back to Australia and we just continued with emails.

Now it’s progressed into FaceTime calls and just recently he has started what’sapping me with photos of oz etc just light messages.

I have been incredibly careful about ensuring my DD doesn’t get hurt in this process. She is my number one priority hence why I’ve never met her meet anyone (not that I’ve dated that much 😆)

I’m happy on my own, have a job I enjoy and a lovely little home. Technically I don’t need anyone, but it would be lovely for my DD to have her dad in her life.

He is coming back for Christmas this year. and just filled out his application for citizenship which will means he can leave oz indefinitely and go back at a later date.

It’s clear that we still have a connection and chemistry, I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible if we could get back to together after everything that has happened. It would have to be taken very slowly of course.

Any advice?

You might not want to take child support money and feel proud to do it all yourself, but you could put that money away for your daughter’s future.

I suggest you discuss child support with him, back dated to her birth. I predict he will disappear over the horizon faster than Usain Bolt.

I agree you should have taken the maintenance and put it away for your daughters future.

Both you and your daughter deserve better.

He doesn't seem horrible and it seems you have a good relationship for the sake of your daughter. I would keep it this way and seems like you don't need him and never have done. Well done OP.

Don't give him another thought.

I suggest you discuss child support with him, back dated to her birth. I predict he will disappear over the horizon faster than Usain Bolt.

This. Let's see him put his money where his mouth is. I agree he will no longer be an issue for you if you suggest this.

Wow! I wouldn’t date a man who had done this to another woman and a kid, never mind if that woman was me and it was my baby :0 wtf are u even thinking

I mean this kindly, but I think you perhaps need to raise your standards a bit before you start dating anyone. Because you deserve better than you seem to believe.

So when he met you he already had his visa which could have taken a couple of years to process and cost thousands. I could be wrong but I think once a visa is issued there is a limited time perhaps a year to activate and enter the country. So probably difficult to put on hold.

Possibly if he was the one who was pregnant he would have terminated and continued with his plans to emigrate. It sounds like really bad timing for him. Maybe he felt you had planned the pregnancy to keep him in UK. How has he explained his actions since you have been in contact again?

Where could this possibly be headed since I imagine his plans are to go back to Oz at some point. Would you be willing to give up everything and move there?

What a cunt. Sorry.

You are seriously contemplating a relationship with a "man" who abandoned you and your daughter? When you needed him the most!

He's a cunt. He doesn't have any relationship with his child, and he doesn't pay you anything to help to raise her.

I am aghast that you are giving him brain space. Seriously!!!!

When I read your OP, I thought, Ah, bless, she's young and naive, but from your updates, I see you must be around 41 now. That's bloody old enough to cop yourself on. Kick this turd to the kerb. SERIOUSLY!

I'm late 40's. I've been with my husband for 11 years and he's been a seriously fantastic step dad to my children, who are all now adults. This guy sounds dreadful and you deserve way more than "facetime".

Stay away from this waste of a man. Get maintenance for your daughter - he should be providing for her.

He's a charming, empty manchild.

Ye Gods.

I remember your thread - i think its right for him to be in contact with DD, but i share the thought that he will simply bolt again, doing yet more damage, if you have a romantic relationship with him.

All this 'freaked out by the depth of love felt' sounds like romcom bollocks - when you love someone a lot, you want to be with them, you absolutely do not run off to the other side of the planet.

OP I suggest as others have set up child maintenance and his reaction will clarify your feelings

The visa does not take years and cost thousands. It takes 2-3 months and costs $450. Thousands do it and then get a job thst sponsors them when they arrive.

Oh cherry I'm not going to character assassinate you love, you sound like you have done brilliantly, better than many of us, me at least. You have enabled contact with your daughter's granddad, which is lovely in the circumstances. You have facilitated contact with your daughter's Dad but also protected her - so when she is older she knows how to get in touch should she want to/remain in touch if he keeps up communications.
You have been more than generous. As for the father of your child, I would guess there might always be some feeling there, you love your child unconditionally and even if it is just a genetic connection, she has 50% of his genes.
He is due back for a visit in 9 months - it would be nice if he made the effort to see his daughter but if it would be too confusing for her, you automatically have the right to veto a visit. Only you can decide that.
I would not hold out hope that he makes a permanent return to the UK, especially given Brexit, nor would I continue to hold a candle or expect a relationship to work, even if he does come back - especially if it feels that it is too convenient in the timing.
I would, however, consider using him for a Xmas shag provided condoms are used .
OP on the dating scene and life in general

I’m not at all defending his actions, but with him being in oz we have very few options of communications other than email, FaceTime and what’s app.

Oooh and whats that other thing, I think it's called parenting your child.

"Never asked for maintenance", why the hell would you need to? Any parent who was actually a parent would have been asking you the bank account details.

This is a waste man.

I think he was never all that keen on you and you have excused his indifference by saying he was scared of his feelings etc. I also think it would be waste of your time to indulge in the idea of the two of you getting back together and in fact those thoughts could preclude you from meeting someone who is not indifferent to you. You have to be resolute about this, as with him popping in and out of your life and the possibility being dangled, it is going to be harder for you to make that break and move on from the idea. Be prepared for him to meet someone else and have another child with them. I remember your last thread and think you are still in awe of him. He has made unpleasant choices and you don’t need to excuse them any longer. See him for what he is.

Also not a single poster has character assassinated you in the least. He is the target of our ire!

This is a waste man.

Ah dammit, that takes me back two years. Sadly the thread was on Chat and will never be seen again. The Daily Fail nicked it for an 'article', the robbing bastards and failed to add many of the funny/sarcastic/rude bits so we all sounded like biddies.
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3397408/Confused-parents-confess-baffled-language-teenage-sons-use.html

I can tell I’m about to get a huge character assassination
(my reply was to allay the OP's fears not because I think anyone has had a go)

Doc Brown on slang (may have dated somewhat) Have a good day, OP x

I think you should try counselling again to figure out why you feel the way you feel about someone who abandoned you and your child. He's changed his mind after 3 years? What a catch...

sofa25miles. The visa you are talking about is a working holiday visa for under 30s so stay and work in Australia for a year (or two if they do some rural work). This guy has a permanent visa, which does indeed cost a lot of money and take a long time. I know because I'm waiting for my citizenship at the minute.

Also, he must have been in Oz for at least four years to be eligible for citizenship, and currently processing time once you are eligible is taking about a year. So he wont be a citizen for a few years yet if he's only been gone three years.

Anyway, that's kind of beside the point, as he sounds like an utter waste of space.

To set the record straight, he has a proper visa which needed activating within a certain timeframe. It costs thousands from what I understand. He’s been in oz for just over four years now.

Maybe he needs a place to stay.

It was maintenance for you. You could have saved it for her future. You don't have the right to take money from her and I agree with PP. ask him for money and he'll duck off but you won't do that will you?