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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband completely loses it when I have my period

313 replies

Moosmum1 · 18/03/2019 22:54

Me and my husband have been together for nearly 10 years, and up until 4 years ago I never had a period due to my contraceptive pill. 2 children later, hubby has had the snip, and I am no longer on the pill. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us as he feels that if we are not regularly having sex (2-3 times a week) then we have issues with our relationship. I’ve tried to explain to him that the more he pushes sex as a priority, the less I want it, and he needs to take the pressure off and let us enjoy our sex life as and when, rather then nagging and constantly commenting on his want for it or when we last did it.

The problem really hits when I have my period. I don’t like having sex when I’m on, it’s just not for me. He doesn’t cope with it very well and is always clearly unhappy that I have come on, but every now and then he completely loses it. He will either completely stop talking to me, or go crazy at me shouting at me that we don’t have sex enough. I’ve hit my limit with it now, he is making me miserable. I really want to keep our family unit together, but I don’t even see how that is possible when I am so down all the time I actually dread coming home.

I dont really know what I’m asking, I suppose, is this normal male behaviour? Should I just suck it up? Any constructive advice welcome.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 19/03/2019 09:09

He does fly off the handle about silly little things unrelated to sex, he has a short temper, but isn’t aggressive, just shouts about it really.

This is the important thing here! His anger is not just when you have a period. If I were you I’d tell him he either goes to counselling, on his own, to sort out his anger issues, or you get divorced.

I strongly suspect his childhood will have something to do with the way he acts. Does his mother or father have a short temper?
My Dh had similar issues and I gave him the ultimatum- counselling or divorce. He went for counselling and it’s changed him completely. His childhood had a lot to answer for but that didn’t mean I and our Dc has to put up with it. He too was lovely 98% of the time but I’d had enough with how he dealt with stress/anger etc.

Your H has to make a huge effort to change or get divorced.

PepsiLola · 19/03/2019 09:11

It's your prerogative you decline sex when your on your period, and when your not on your period.

One of the most unsexiest thoughts is a man nagging for sex! Frankly it would make me drier than the Sahara desert.

Your DH sounds like he's bullying you into sex, he knows if he pulls his usual stunts you will "give up". I feel really sad for you.

You can try and justify him being a nice man at 99% of everything else he does, but that one thing he does wrong shows he's a self centred inconsiderate pig

Soberloner · 19/03/2019 09:12

IMO this is not normal. I mean don't get me wrong, some people have a higher sex drive than others but this is not fair. Its your body you have a say if you do or don't want sex and same goes for him obviously. There has to be boundaries, agreements, rules, times if needed

talktoo · 19/03/2019 09:13

I'm interested in how he was after you gave birth, later stages of pregnancy and when you are unwell. How did he cope without sex? Or did he force you?

ErickBroch · 19/03/2019 09:18

Not normal! I don't like having sex on my period at all, it's non-negotiable. His reaction is awful.

AnnabelC · 19/03/2019 09:21

Oh OP . Living with a man with a short fuse. Gradually closes you down because you start thinking I won’t , say or do that because it will start him off. You need to take control of the situation. Your children will notice. I have been there. My son thought things were ok when he met his wife and they weren’t. He needed counselling to keep them together.

madcatladyforever · 19/03/2019 09:22

This is totally abuse. Being forced to have sex when you don't want it is like rape to me. What will he do if you get sick or when you go through the menopause. I could not live with a man like this.

theresafoxunderthedecking · 19/03/2019 09:27

i can't help thinking bubba1234 has problems with with a 'difficult' partner if she thinks that sex in the shower is the answer. that sounds like a coping answer to me and one shouldn't have to cope with that .

dustyparadeground · 19/03/2019 09:38

Icky ....

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/03/2019 09:41

I don’t even see how that is possible when I am so down all the time I actually dread coming home

Read that back to your self. So sorry you are going through this every month.

Suggest he needs a biology lesson; shouting at you will not stop your period or indeed, make you feel like any kind of intimacy.

He also needs a fucking lesson in consent. And entitlement. And in not being an arsehole.

ravenmum · 19/03/2019 09:51

I really hope you don't honestly think that is in any way normal.

Of course your sex drive is not what it used to be. Who would want to have sex with someone like that? Surely no-one?

Yorkshirelady · 19/03/2019 09:57

If you're unhappy, the kids are bound to pick up on it.

If you really love him, then perhaps talk to him about couples counselling. If he really loves you, he'll respect the request and seriously consider it.

Walking on egg shells (presumably until menopause) to avoid an argument with him does not sound like a very good life to me. You have a right to say no to sex at any time and it's wrong that he's making you feel like this. I hope you are able to have a decent discussion with him about it. If the relationship is strong, then it will survive this...it sounds like he's got a bit of work to do first!

onionchucker · 19/03/2019 09:59

How awful.
The last thing I want to do on my period is have sex. Mess everywhere. Stomach cramps and headache.
Yuk - just yuk.
And then some horrible man "losing it" with you?
What is wrong with him? That is not normal at all.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 19/03/2019 10:03

Your post made me feel physically sick.

My exh was like this. He ruined a weeks holiday. I was in the pill, was poorly just before our holiday so was on antibiotics which meant he had to use a condom. He hated wearing them so spent the whole holiday sulking and not talking to me as he couldn’t have sex Confused

He was massively abuse in other ways, Took me 10 yrs to leave him

Happynow001 · 19/03/2019 10:11

I told him tonight that I don’t want to be married to him anymore. That I’m fed up with worrying about how he’ll react every time I get my period.

^^ You sound at the end of your tether with his whinging, bullying behaviour. How serious were/are you about your comments above?

You may find that clarifying how you'd be able to cope financially without him also helps make the decision whether to stay longer or not. Take a good look at your finances (including his, discreetly), check online on https://www.entitledto.co.ukk/ and also look into CMS https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenancee

Also consult a solicitor to get advice on your options.

You may decide not to go further but at least you'll have a clearer idea if/when you decide to longer put up with this. Good luck OP. 🌹

Oldbutstillgotit · 19/03/2019 10:13

He is not an amazing Dad if he causes so much distress to their Mummy .

Crazybunnylady123 · 19/03/2019 10:20

It doesn’t sound very nice for you and I can’t imagine sex being very enjoyable for you under this pressure from him.
I think you really should consider leaving. You really do deserve better! Flowers

FizzyGreenWater · 19/03/2019 10:20

Nothing to discuss here - he's a piece of shit, leave!

SallyBearwood · 19/03/2019 10:22

Difficult situation. I would speak to Relate. They have a free advice line, I think, and it will help you decide your next step. Have a look on their web site, but I think you need some support and advice on how to deal with this. He clearly has a problem and you don't deserve to suffer like that. He is becoming controlling and any amount of good behaviour in other areas of life don't give him the right to bully. That is not normal and not OK. Talk to the professionals before you and your family suffer any more. Best of luck, but please take action to help yourself now.

CautiousOptimist · 19/03/2019 10:31

I’m sorry OP, that sounds horrible.

To echo what others have said, no it’s not normal male behaviour. I don’t think a partner has any right to ‘lose it’ with you for any reason tbh.

I hope you’re able to get support and leave him. Good luck.

ReanimatedSGB · 19/03/2019 10:33

He's sexually abusive and despises women, sorry. He isn't going to get any better. The relationship is going to get worse as men like this are so offputting when it comes to sex, it becomes more and more of a chore - and they are never any good at it, anyway, because they are not interested in what the women they have sex with might enjoy, it's all about their dick. (OK, some such men claim to be great at sex but this takes the form of sulks and tantrums when the woman doesn't perform enjoyment - it never takes the form of actually asking her what she would like and doing that.)

ijustdontunderstandher · 19/03/2019 10:38

This is not normal at all OP. Me and DH have sex when I’m on my period as it bothers neither of us, however some days I’m very heavy and I’ll tell him no and he lets it go completely. He clearly has no respect for you, and it sounds as though his anger could make you unsafe in the future

MeadowHay · 19/03/2019 10:43

FFS. No, it's not normal, as everyone has said. He sounds awful. Idk how I'd cope in that situation. To contrast my DH with your DH, we have been together 7 years, have a 9 month old daughter, we have 'mismatched' libidos and always have done, his is higher than mine, so he just has to put up with that really as what is the other option? We had a healthy sex life until I became pregnant, I had HG for the first few months and we didn't have sex for about the first 4 or 5 months then we only had about 6 weeks or so of being sexually active because I had pregnancy-related issues that made it uncomfortable. We haven't had sex in about 11 months now as I can't relax now with DD being at home and I have physical complications from the birth. My DH actually is an amazing dad, he respects me and supports me and he has never once complained never mind shouted at me!

anniehm · 19/03/2019 10:43

He's acting very odd, tbh after that many years and two kids he's lucky to get it that often on a non period week!

Yougotdis · 19/03/2019 11:10

This behaviour needs to stop.

Ask him to leave. Until he sees a counsellor. It doesn’t matter how good he is as a dad etc. You deserve respect and if he can’t respect then he loses you. No discussion no interest in his anger or bleating about how he ‘needs’ sex to feel close. He needs to fix himself.