Need a handhold I’m in shock

[BlueRoses12]

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

That’s a good idea I will Friend request him.

He’s alright for clothes he does manual work no uniform scruffy casual clothes. I bagged up some clothes that he took Monday when I was out picking the kids up.

Pension documents is a very good idea.
I’ve got passports, wills, mortgage details and marriage certificate. Will get his payslips offline and his pension docs and will make copies of everything then email them to myself for safe keeping. Also will look into solicitors today.

What a coward... Sadly he's answered his own silent questions by staying away.

Well done you though! You've done everything the right way. Have you screenorinted the history of the ipad too just incase he can clear it remotely via his phone? (I don't have apple so I don't know if possible)

Move 50% of all cash/savings etc in joint names to a solo account and stop any joint cards if possible. Some OH clear the joint account leaving the RP without access to cash. Even tho a court would order 50% of the total to be returned - it will take months and months and the money may not be recoverable. See a solicitor just to protect yourself for now.

What an utter twat of a man you are married to.

Now that you've told the ow's husband, he wont have anywhere to go either so he will come crawling back eventually. Do not let him.

What a coward, he can't face you and knows he has run out of road.
I would spend this time double checking everything is in order. I am not sure if you have already changed the locks, but I would definitely do that, he has moved out so to speak, so you need to ensure your home is secure.

Contact a solicitor and ensure you are on top of everything.

The fact he doesn't even have the decency to talk things through is an absolute disgrace. You cover your own bases, get support in RL and make sure your legal advice is water tight and ready to fight your corner.

Move enough money out of joint accounts to keep on top of bills for the next few weeks and definitely move half of joint savings to account only you control. If you have any joint credit cards - or he has a second card on one of your accounts - cancel them so he can’t run up debts. Start putting as much as possible under your control.

OW will run a mile if she thinks she is likely to get lumbered with this cock womble full time. She will dump him very soon and he will be grovelling at the door.

@croprotationinthe13thcentury That’s what I thought about my exh, not that I would have taken him back. Unfortunately he’s still with the OW over a year later. Maybe I forced them together by discovering the affair and kicking him out but sometimes it doesn’t all fall apart upon discovery, as much as we would like it to. It doesn’t mean he will be happy though, but you will be, eventually x

You're doing so well OP. Stay strong love. Get all your ducks in a row, see a solicitor ASAP. Being proactive and staying a step ahead might help you feel better.
I'm glad you've got screenshots and the important documents...I'd scan and save whatever I could as a backup in case he were to get his hands on them if you need them down the line.
Change the locks if it would make you feel more comfortable...just do whatever you need to do for yourself right now.
The shock is horrendous. Your post brought back horrible memories for me. I hope you've got lots of lovely people around you the very best of luck with everything x

I can’t get over how many of you have similar stories to tell, it’s just awful.

Bee you mentioned bills. Both our salaries go into our joint account and all our bills also come out of there. No bills due until 1st maybe I should look at moving all the DD / getting him to get his salary paid into his account.

I’ve left our savings alone for time being it’s a online account but he can’t access it but it’s ready to be split between us.

No credit cards thankfully I do have a loan for my car but only 3 months to pay Off. I may look at selling it and getting a cheaper one.

I feel much happier today I did a proper expenses budget late last night. Once the car loan is paid off my salary will just about cover all our outgoings. I will cancel the tv package as me and the kids don’t really watch tv. The food shop should also reduce. So that’s good to know.

I feel much happier today

With good reason. You have the treacherous tosser out of your life.

Look into tax credits / universal credits you may be entitled to something, advise council so you get 25% reduction on the council tax. I wouldn't ask him to get his wages paid elsewhere the longer he contributes the less you'll have to pay. Have you heard anything from it at all?

Glad to hear the fog has cleared a bit OP. When it happened to me I went into autopilot for a while. I saw a solicitor, sores out the financial side of things (which included re-mortgaging our house as the deal had just finished...great timing), put plans in place for the kids to see their dad, etc. It was a bit later once I felt I had done all those things that it hit me really.
We women and mums are bloody strong. We don’t realise how much so until we have to draw on what we don’t realise we have xx

Yes, I also got my child benefit and universal credit claim in. I don’t get much but if helps x

You're absolutely incredible. What a strong woman!

You can get council tax discount for a single person, and also as you have his wages you should be able to work out easily how much he must pay you in maintenance.

Best of luck, but sounds like you've got it all under control! X

I can’t believe he still hasn’t contacted you or the kids after denying it and hiding. What a complete coward.

So sorry you are going through this. You are doing amazingly.

i am so sorry you are going through this, you seem super strong though. Keep going x

What a coward he truly is. I can’t believe he still hasn’t been in touch.

You’re doing really well Blue, keep hold of that strength.

Still gobsmacked at his actions either he is too embarassed to face you or is getting his ducks in a row to seperate🙈 do you even know where he is staying OP? Hope you have told the family yourside of things before he taints your reputation

The people closest to us can really behave so cruelly when they betray us. What a heel.

Sorry to hear you are going through this OP. protect yourself financially! When I seperated from my ex he helpfully put a large overdraft onto the joint account! Luckily I recieved the letter advising it had been added and managed to shut the account down before it was "utilised"

You're awesome op.

On the Facebook message thing, I'm pretty sure when you message someone these days that's not a friend they get a request to message. So you'll see a message that says so and so wants to connect with you, and then you accept it and THEN their message will come through.

On the Facebook message thing, I'm pretty sure when you message someone these days that's not a friend they get a request to message. So you'll see a message that says so and so wants to connect with you, and then you accept it and THEN their message will come through.

Yes, that's right. When I received a message from the wife of someone I had been seeing (he was separated and on a dating site at the time can I add), this is what happened. I got a message request, accepted it and then her message came through.

@chickensub not always.... it depends on what device you're on. Some people really struggle to get into their others folder

I’m sorry you are dealing with this OP

FWIW I think it’s a good think you messaged OW’s DH. A friend of mine (who just has a baby, I might add) found out only v recently that her DH has been having an affair. My friend found out because the OW’s husband messaged her about it. She wouldn’t have known otherwise so I think you did the right thing.