Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need a handhold I’m in shock

301 replies

BlueRoses12 · 17/03/2019 21:57

Earlier this evening I came across a conversation my H was having with a ex coworker. He left his Facebook messenger chat page open on his iPad, I wasn’t snooping as we now share his iPad after mine gave up the ghost but I very rarely use it as it’s old and quite slow.

There wasn’t much chat to go on but the jist was she had recently left DHs place of work, she missed him dearly, was his soulmate and she was attracted to him and they had arranged to go out for drinks next weekend. I had never heard of her up until that point and was absolutely gob smacked as me and H have been getting on really well and I have absolutely no reason to think otherwise it really was a bolt out of the blue.

I phoned a very close friend as I was in absolute shock and panic on what to do and he was due home in about a hour after I found out. She came over immediately and was very much in the confront him calmly and kick his ass out immediately camp. I was very much all for staying silent and gathering more evidence as that’s the type of person I am but she said it was impossible as I was in such a state at the time, that there was no way I could act normal and not make him suspicious.

She took the children back to hers and my H came home. Calmly went out the window as soon as he came through the door I lost my shit. I took his phone and saw a few messages to and from her before he wrested it off me, the last text from him said “on my way home now will text when I can”.

He said the usual crap that they were just “really good friends” they had been working on a project together and had become really close and had loads of things in common. He said he never mentioned her as thought I may get jealous and get the wrong impression but they are “just good friends”

He said it’s all my head and I’m crazy there is nothing going on at that point I became hysterical shouting at him again. He took his car keys and phone and left he’s not even got his wallet on him.

The kids are back home and are now in bed, I’m shaking at in shock on what the hell hs just happened. I’ve not touched alcohol in over a year but I’m having a brandy as I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 23/03/2019 14:17

The way he's handled this would be the biggest dealbreaker for me. Regardless of what's actually happened on the run-up to you confronting him, he's abandoned his children for a week and not even tried to contact them.

You're amazing, OP.

Greenkit · 23/03/2019 15:12

Wow, cant believe he hasn't been in touch

justilou1 · 23/03/2019 22:17

He’s pretty cold, isn’t he? Does he expect you to have the intelligence to get your things in order to execute him financially?

Graphista · 24/03/2019 01:18

Unfortunately I think you need to prepare yourself and DC that he will disappear out of their lives.

My ex still saw dd initially but from the start it came across he considered it a huge inconvenience.

I regret now that I pushed him to see her, bent over backwards to make it easy for him. Because it just delayed the inevitable of him disappearing out of her life later on and that has been much harder for her and heartbreaking for me to see.

From friends & family in real life and reading these boards and other online stories of life after separation I truly believe that it's obvious very early on whether a dad (cos let's face it it's usually dads) is going to

make the effort to be a decent separated dad, see the kids, make an effort when he does, pay maintenance especially without quibble...

Or whether he's gonna be a waste of space, cancelling or not turning up at all, or hours late, Palm the kids off on their mum/sister/new girlfriend, resist paying maintenance... Usually eventually disappearing out the kids lives altogether and refusing to pay maintenance unless cms are actually able to extract it!

I'm afraid it looks like yours will fall into the latter category.

Graphista · 24/03/2019 01:26

Zelda - I was asked by friends/family at various points if I could have forgiven him, they were generally referring to his infidelity.

My answer was always the infidelity MAYBE could have been forgivable if he'd not denied/gaslit/blamed me for it - and if she hadn't been pregnant as a result!

But what I could NEVER forgive was how shit he was to dd. Who was very much a planned and wanted child and only 2 when we split. I'll never forget the heartbreaking, infuriating, gut wrenching feeling of having her asking repeatedly "when's daddy come?" And me phoning/texting and getting ignored when he was hours late cos going out clubbing, getting pissed and shagging OW then sleeping off the hangover was more important to him than seeing his 2 yr old adoring daughter. SadAngryHmm

It's 16 years later almost to the day and it still brings me to tears.

Honeyroar · 24/03/2019 08:25

I agree, his behaviour since your discovery is worse than the behaviour before and destroys any inclination of forgiveness, surely. It certainly doesn’t tie in with the “innocent married man being hassled by some over keen woman at work” theory.

Do you have any idea where he is? I can’t believe he’d dump his kids without a word all week. He’s stone cold. Have you seen a solicitor yet? I can’t remember.

Beaverhausen · 24/03/2019 11:53

Personally I would have gone and seen a solicitor by now, changed the locks and packed the rest of his things.

There is no going back from what he was going to do or probably has by now and his behaviour towards yourself and his children.

BlueRoses12 · 24/03/2019 13:52

He’s broken his silence, he messaged to ask if he can take me and the kids out for tea later. I’ve said it’s about bloody time he thought of the kids after being away for a week without a word. I’ve said he’s more than welcome to take the kids but I won’t be going. He has asked if we can have a chat.

OP posts:
Transpeaked · 24/03/2019 13:58

I will be you my last pound going on your last post OP that your ‘’D’H has been dumped by the OW

BeUpStanding · 24/03/2019 14:09

Despicable behaviour. I bet you can't stand to even look at him.

Good luck with however it unfolds later today Flowers

AliceRR · 24/03/2019 14:13

I will be you my last pound going on your last post OP that your ‘’D’H has been dumped by the OW

Either that or (as my first thought) he wants to end it with you so he can be with her although now I’m thinking that’s less likely.

I wouldn’t meet him yet. Don’t make anything easy for him.

Thehop · 24/03/2019 15:27

Wanking cock nostril

OctoberGirl91 · 24/03/2019 15:46

Well done for standing your ground, finally he wants to see the kids!

Be interesting to see what he has to say or what the chat will be about xx

Hanab · 24/03/2019 16:13

@Thehop 😂

WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/03/2019 17:07

What a knobjockey!

My bet is he’s had his fun, got bored and now wants back!

BlueRoses12 · 24/03/2019 20:06

He came round to collect the kids early, they weren’t ready. Actually they were were still doing their homework so we had a chat for a bit.

He bought me some flowers. First time he’s ever bought me any in our 15 years together.
It was awkward as he wasn’t very talkative despite him wanting to chat.

So I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he said what I accused him of wasn’t true. Looking back at the messages he sees where I was coming from as they look really bad as she was chasing him but he didn’t encourage it, I pointed out he also didn’t stop it. I said a innocent person doesn’t just fuck off for a week. He says I was hysterical when I confronted him and I needed time to calm down. I said that was fair enough but why not give me a hour then come back and speak to me. Even the next day but not a whole week.

I asked if he had contacted her and he said that he had that night but he’s had no contact with her since but she has been bombarding him so he ended up blocking her and showed me the messages.

He asked if he can come home, I said no as I can’t forgive what he’s put me and the kids through. Did he think he can just come back like nothings happened.

I said I had contacted her husband and he said good as she’s the one who’s caused all this. I reminded him he also played a part in this.

I’ve been for a drink with my friend, he should be back with the kids soon.

OP posts:
Raspberrytruffle · 24/03/2019 20:23

Good for you OP Wine

Hanab · 24/03/2019 20:28

🌷

PleaseJustSayNo · 24/03/2019 20:29

But he was going to be meeting up with her whilst lying to you...

Not even a spare of the moment, on a whim little white lie. A thought out and planned lie. He's talking shit

Barrenfieldoffucks · 24/03/2019 20:30

It may well be that it hadn't got very far. However his behaviour this week has been shocking, and that alone would make me think twice about him.

Mrsmummy90 · 24/03/2019 20:33

He'd planned to meet her for drinks and told you that he was going out with some guys from work.
He's totally lying to you!

Gruzinkerbell1 · 24/03/2019 20:50

Good for you OP. He’ll have to work a damn bit harder than a bunch of flowers and a “it was all her fault!” cover story to regain your trust.

Was he even sorry for disappearing for a whole week?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 24/03/2019 20:51

*that’s if you decide he’s worthy of ever gaining your trust again, of course.

BlueRoses12 · 24/03/2019 21:05

Well the drinks meet up was tonight, so that hasn’t happened.

Kids are back now they had a nice time so that’s something. He was angling to come in but I said I had things I needed to be getting on with.

I haven’t even had a apology no.

OP posts:
ivegotthisyeah · 24/03/2019 21:06

I'm glad he's got his sorry arse round. Please don't get sucked in with his lies unfortunately so many of us do. Why is he still
In contact with her if it was nothing? Why does he still have her number? Do you really want this for the rest of your life? The worrying the checking up on him? No you don't and you deserve better get out while you can. Yes it will be hard but you will in a few years be thankful you stood your ground and stuck up for yourself. I know it's easy me saying that but as someone who's been there it was the best thing I ever did and my youngest of 3 was only 6 months old. So glad I do t have any of that shit anymore Thanks