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Original poster

Worried that he is pushing the boundaries of our kink

143 replies

BethPorter · 16/03/2019 07:29

DH and I have a thing that we do. I would say it's unconventional, although probably very tame by today's standards. I dont think the details are important for the purpose of this post.

The point is that we both enjoy what we do. However recently he has wanted to push the boundaries. That can work for me, although it has made me think that he wants this to go somewhere that I don't and that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I don't want this to become an issue between us, and don't want to stop what we are doing. What I want is for him to enjoy it in the same way that I do. In short to think like me (I don't mean that to sound like I am controlling).

Has anyone with similar experiences, any advice as to how to keep this as something that we are both comfortable with and continue to enjoy?

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 16/03/2019 07:32

The problem is you can't make him think like you.
I have friends in the kink scene and from what I know things do develop as it's not quite as exciting and satisfying as it once was once you do something regularly.

That said you absolutely should be clear where your line is and not expect him to push that. Especially as depending on the kink you could be in a very vulnerable position physically and need to have 100% trust in him to do that.

AuntMarch · 16/03/2019 07:33

Don't let it "make you think"

Ask/tell him! "I'm fine with this development but just know that my final boundary is still the same, I don't want it to develop into xyz."

If you can't talk about it openly, you shouldn't be doing it.

Rumbletum2 · 16/03/2019 07:36

If you can't talk about it openly, you shouldn't be doing it

This.

Original poster
BethPorter · 16/03/2019 07:46

Rumbletum2 it is something i talk openly about to DH. I could talk openly about it on here, so nothing really weird , but didnt think it necessary to give the details.

AuntMarch and Ratbagcatbag, thanks for the advice. We do talk and he does know how I feel, but you are right it does put me in a vulnerable position and I do need to have 100% trust in him, and that is what I am not sure of.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 16/03/2019 07:47

I do need to have 100% trust in him, and that is what I am not sure of.

There’s your answer.

Original poster
BethPorter · 16/03/2019 07:50

I don't want to turn this into a mathematical exercise, but yes my trust is slightly less than 100%

OP posts:
Mookatron · 16/03/2019 07:51

It's not controlling to set boundaries about what YOU want for YOURSELF. You need to talk to him. And if it's the kind of thing where he might 'lose control' and do it anyway Hmm, you need a safe word or a new husband sorry.

VictoriaBun · 16/03/2019 07:54

The thing with a kink, is will eventually become a norm, and then of course you look for another kink.

Original poster
BethPorter · 16/03/2019 07:58

Mookatron- it's not that bad, neither of us would risk our marriage over this

VictoriaBun- I think you have hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
PhryneFisher · 16/03/2019 08:11

Presumably, there was a time before you both discovered you liked this thing? So how did you approach that uncomfortable situation?
Is it a case of he wants to take whatever it is to the next level or is it something else completely out there that you know you would never feel comfortable with?
It sounds to me that he isn’t getting as much out of the existing kink as he used to and he wants to move on to something else.
Only you can decide if you want that too, if not, then that’s it, he can’t have it.

There’s one thing DH and I have discussed in great detail and that I originally suggested but have since decided I never want to do, and although he is up for it, he respects that view and Wembley no longer discuss it.
If, in future I change my mind, and he still wants to, we will try it.

PhryneFisher · 16/03/2019 08:12

Not entirely sure how “we” became “Wembley”.....

Original poster
BethPorter · 16/03/2019 08:15

Thanks for the correction, I was thinking that it must be something really out there to get an entire stadium discussing it☺

OP posts:
PhryneFisher · 16/03/2019 09:27

BethPorter sorry, I don’t know why I do that, but considering a thread I started on here has veered into what’s acceptable in public and not, it might raise a few eyebrows about my inner psyche 😬😬😬!

PolytheneSam · 16/03/2019 09:53

Replace the pushing the boundaries with talking about a new kink.

This might redirect his energy towards something new that may not feel as uncomfortable.

Frenchmontana · 16/03/2019 09:58

What I want is for him to enjoy it in the same way that I do. In short to think like me (I don't mean that to sound like I am controlling).

That's impossible and an unfair expectation.

How would you feel if he said he wants you to think and enjoy it in the way he does?

If you have enough faith and trust in eachother to indulge in the kink. You must be able to talk about it and tell him your concerns and for him to be truthful about whether he wants to take the kink further. If he does, you then set your boundaries and tell him that's not for you.

Original poster
BethPorter · 16/03/2019 13:03

Thanks all for your comments. I have realised that it doesn't really make sense without explaining what the kink is.

It is very simple, I go outside wearing nothing from the waist down. Fairly tame compared with what other people get up to, but it certainly has been a big thrill for us. The thrill being the fear of getting caught. We do it mostly at night and in the middle of nowhere and so far so good.

In answer to the question about how it started, we really just stumbled upon it. We had planned to have sex outdoors, but he found it too intimidating. I felt quite empowered but the fact that I was comfortable , and it was me that suggested that we went for walk in my then state of undress.We both found it a turn on and the sex that followed (in private) was great.

It became a regular thing, a part of our foreplay. We often drive out a night to places we know are quiet. I remove my skirt and we go for a stroll. We both get excited by this and enjoy sex afterwards.

The comment about the kink becoming the norm is so true. The thrill has reduced for both of us, and as a result it has got more elobarate. At first it was a walk to the end of the car park and back, but now we are out longer and increase the chances of getting seen.

The thrill for him seems to be waning quicker than for me. As a consequence he wants to take more risks than I do. That is really the issue.

In answer to earlier questions, I do trust him completely, we are on the same wavelength there. The thing I don't trust is his judgement. He wants to take risks that I am not comfortable with. The thought of meeting someone whilst we are out does excite me, but the reality I am sure would be horrendous. I am the one that is vulnerable.

I can talk to him and have done at length. We both enjoy this, but the thrill is different for each of us. What I want us for us both to enjoy it in the way that we did originally and I don't know how to do that.

OP posts:
zenasfuck · 16/03/2019 13:12

Sorry but do whatever you want in private but don't take that shit outside

Don't make other people party to your sex games

It's illegal

Livvylovesgin · 16/03/2019 13:15

At the risk of sounding flippant ( and I realise it is personal to you) could you swap roles? Would he take the same risk as you? Would he be equally happy to push the boundaries even further if he is at risk?

Connieston · 16/03/2019 13:18

I think you're right to be cautious for various reasons, obviously your feelings are absolutely valid and should be respected. In addition I think there are maybe public order offences for nudity or sex in public, so a greater risk of discovery could have really awful consequences. Maybe try to.find a completely different game to play which brings you back into your comfort zone. I honestly don't know owt myself Grin but I've heard Fetlife is a good online community for ideas.

Auba14 · 16/03/2019 13:19

Isn't this indecent exposure if anyone was to see you?!

As someone else said, if it was a kink in the bedroom that's fair enough but incredibly weird to think I may be taking my dog for a midnight stroll and become an unwitting participant in your sex kink.

Tinty · 16/03/2019 13:20

Ok then. Well if the police catch you at it or a member of public reports/takes pictures of you, you could be in trouble.

If you go someone quiet why don't you swap the kink? i.e. he can go out trouserless and you can keep your clothes on.

That should be exciting enough for him.

bobstersmum · 16/03/2019 13:23

I'm not shocked at what you do, I'm shocked that doing that at this time of year your fanny hasn't frozen up!

TheoriginalLEM · 16/03/2019 13:26

I think the thrill is often about pushing boundaries.

The important thing is to be crystal clear about what your hard not to be crossed lines are.

That said what is enjoyable one day is not the next. So consider also a safe word. That is clear indication you want to stop/ slow down.

Namestheyareachangin · 16/03/2019 13:30

OP: I have a link but I won't talk about the details.

Everyone Else: doesn't ask

OP: ... all right, all right, I'll you if you insist!!!

🙄

JustAnotherPoster00 · 16/03/2019 13:30

That said what is enjoyable one day is not the next. So consider also a safe word. That is clear indication you want to stop/ slow down.

^^This

Also test those out occasionally with no warning and the reason you should give is 'youre not feeling it right now', keep your testing unexpected and that will help to develop your trust in this situation