Please can I have some advice, I dont know what to do
Our son has been with his wife for 4 years. We always give them money and pay for food and rent to help them out and we buy gifts for our granddaughters regularly. Which we love to do. We offer to babysit and help out with the house and driving them places whenever possible. We always put their needs before ours even though we cant really afford it. We show them unconditional love at all times. We never interfere and had a wonderful relationship with my son until she came along. We always accepted her and treated her like family. Gave her gifts, time, money, treats, vacations, days out. We have always been very kind and respectful to her. But she is extremely jealous of our family being so close and loving and kind to each other. She is jealous of my other children and grandchildren and makes rude, hurtful comments about favouritism ect.
The problem is. Daughter in law is beyond lazy, manipulative, entitled, rude and selfish. She leaves all the housework, chores, kids and bills to my son. He has to do everything before and after a hard days work while she sits at home on social media. She is very demanding with him. He cant get any rest because of her. She expects everybody to run around after her. She has no respect for anybodys homes. When she brings the kids to ours for Sunday Lunch when my son is at work, she takes over, she makes us feel uncomfortable in our own home, she makes mess everywhere and leaves it for us to clean, throws herself on the sofa and lets her daughters run wild while we try to keep them entertained, she hints at us to go and get things for her and pick things up off the floor for her. (Hubby & I are in our 70's). She snatches the kids off us when we are bonding or having fun. But lands them on us without asking when she wants to go out and party.
My son treats her like royalty. He spoils her with love and luxury. Hes an absolute gentleman and so kind to her. But hes so tired and worn out from her demands and laziness. She constantly hides money from my son. She never stops speaking about money, money, money. She is always hinting for loans of money from us. Always hinting that she wants us to buy her certain gifts and "expensive" gifts and clothing for the children. We do so much for them and we get no thanks for it. She is so ungreatful. If we buy gifts that arent expensive she doesnt even acknowledge them and looks at them as if they are rubbish and makes us feel like its not good enough for her. She never offers to pay for anything. She runs off when its time to pay. But orders the dearest things on the menu and leaves the bill for us. They have often asked for a loan only to see she has gone out and gotten her hair or nails done the following day. Why should I be funding her lifestyle. She has never gotten us a gift or a thank you card. Or even said thank you and meant it, She just wants more & more. She really has it too easy. I don't know many families that would treat her as good as we have.
She is isolating my son from his family and friends. He cannot spend any time alone with us not even 5 minutes. She is too nosey, she listens and eavesdrops to every personal family conversation as we cant get time alone with him, and she repeats it to other outside people but adds her own version of events and lies even though its none of her business and we didnt specifically tell her, she just listens in. So we dont speak personal issues in front of her anymore. I am sick of her running with stories and telling everybody our business. She is constantly putting her own business up on social media too, making an idiot of herself. It is embarrassing. I personally think she needs to give us some privacy with issues that don't concern her.
She constantly tells my son and other people lies about us and puts thoughts in his head, filling him with rubbish, that he sometimes believes. Which causes terrible arguments and she always covers her back and tells people not to say she said anything. Everytime she causes trouble she plays the victim and pretends we got it wrong. Making us look bad. She has already caused huge rifts between my son and his brothers and sisters with her lies and manipulation. They never had any conflict before she came along. He has had issues with many of his friends since she came along. All her doing.
We let everything go and dont say anything to her for the sake of our granddaughters and son as we love them dearly and want the very best for them and want to see them as much as possible. But its getting out of hand now. She has no respect for us, shes bitter and jealous towards us for no reason. We cant handle the lies about us and the horrible treatment my son endures. He is very much in love with her and they will stay together. I dont want to say anything to him because it will cause an argument once she starts playing the victim card as usual and pretending to be nice as pie to us when he's around. And if push comes to shove we dont want her to fill our granddaughters heads with lies about us and stop us seeing them as she is so manipulative.
I dont want to be in her company anymore but I will do so for my sons and grandaughters sake but surely I shouldnt feel pressured to treat her the exact same as my son. I dont see why I should continue to buy her gifts or give her lifts places or do anything for her anymore. Especially since she has started answering us back and saying very rude cheeky comments and undermining us.
Has anybody else been in this situation. What should I do. Should I speak to my son or her? I know it will upset my son and possibly cause an argument of some sort which I don't want to happen.