A space in refuge for me, but too sacared to leave

[nowheretorunorhide]

I need a bit of encouragement. A space in a refuge has come up, but I feel so guilty and scared leaving. I know he can't change and this will only get worse, but I love him and feel so scared to be alone.

Read this thread OP

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

and courage to you
Also solidarity.

To be happy you need to look after yourself. Please don’t feel guilty. Pretend you’re your own mum- what would you advise someone in your position?

Look after yourself

You don't love him, he has conditioned you to have this response to him, you don't actually know what love is because this relationship isn't it.
Please leavs before you become another statistic, do you have help and supporr for the actual physical act of leaving? This can be a very dangerous time. Please take care of yourself x

Oh gosh, I have no advice but I didn't want to read and run. Lots of love

Please do what's right for you, lovely. Better alone (for a while) than in bad company.

Thank you all. I am going tomorrow evening and I'm so scared. I feel like a mess and can't stop crying at work. I hate this is what he has done to me. I was happy before I met he and now he has ruined me. I know things will get better, it's just so hard to imagine not feeling the way I do right now. He will be so angry when he realises I've gone. I am still minimising what he's done to me, I can't help it.

Be brave it will work out in the end. My advice: You only regret the things you don't do.

We are all here behind you, it will feel hard but you're a beautiful strong person, life will get easier and safer for you and the refuge staff are amazing. Dont worry about him being angry, that is his problem to deal with, your priority is your own health and well being. Are you safe tonight?

You have been trained to feel guilty.

Don't worry, you can get through this.

Please don't back out of leaving.

Grab this opportunity with both hands, even if it is scary. Take it one step at a time.

This is your first step to the rest of your life.

We are here to help you.

He has taught you to ignore the little voice in your head telling you this ins't right, this isn't how you deserve to be treated, this isn't the life you want or deserve.

Embrace the teeny tiny little voice in your head that is screaming at you to run and keep running until he is FAR FAR behind. The refuge will help you to find that little voice and listen to it. To find yourself, to embrace and love yourself, to come to know that you deserve better.

We believe in you.

Been there, done that, and honestly, it was the best thing I ever did. I look back now at what my life would have been, and my DDs life, and it horrifies me that I ever considered staying.

Your whole life is about to open up, you’ll be able to do anything, go anywhere, meet someone who treats you well, or just be alone if that’s what you want. It’s entirely up to you. You have a job, so great start, half way there already.

Right now, this seems like a huge, scary, all consuming thing. But trust me, in time, maybe just a couple of months, it will seem like just a little blip in your life. You’ve got this OP.

It's normal to minimize things.
I still discover things I've minimized 10 years on.
But there will be loads of support for you in refuge.
And you will be able to be yourself again.

Thank you all, you're all helping me so much. I have taken some stuff quickly to my nans this afternoon that he won't notice gone. I'm packing my stuff tomorrow night and leaving with what I can. I'm so terrified and feel an emotional mess

Once you've taken the stuff to your Nan's, calm down. Have a bath or just chill. Do not give him reason to suspect.

You can do this. One more day and you're out. Talk to us as much as you need to.

Best of luck. Think about how proud of yourself you will feel once you have done it and what your life could look like in the future.
You're doing the right thing

My husband wasn't EA but he was depressed and suffered from anxiety that he wasn't addressing. He had become angry and DD and I were tiptoeing around him for many months before I finally asked him to leave. It is a pale reflection of what you are enduring but let me tell you what happened afterwards.
Numbness, tears, fear, guilt, etc.. I cannot deny that - it was tough but there were glimpses of freedom.

One night, a few months after he left, I sat on my sofa and flicked through the telly. It finally dawned on me that I could watch whatever I wanted. Anything. I had a glass of wine in my hand and no-one to suggest I shouldn't be drinking it or to be disappointed that I'd picked that wine. I had a box of chocolates and again no-one suggesting I really didn't need to eat anymore. I watched Bridget Jones' baby (a film my husband would have hated), let the dog sit on the sofa (something husband would have refused to allow), drank my wine (something he'd have sniffed at) and ate chocolate (without feeling guilty about my fat bum). I felt so free - it was blissful. We've (DD, dog and I) since moved out of our house are currently living in temp. accommodation and are looking to get our own place so I can recapture that feeling of freedom. We have plans for a decor scheme DD and I will love but he'd never have allowed.

Keep on, stick it out, be strong and you too may get to watch Bridget Jones and drink wine and eat chocolate!!!!!!! :)

Drinking wine, eating and watching what I want all sounds bliss. Every time I eat something I am told I am putting on weight and I can only watch tv in the bedroom on my own unless it's something he wants to watch.

I've informed the school this afternoon and my partner thinks I have a sinus infection (which I think I may actually have), so I am hiding out in the bedroom on my own.

I know this is my chance at freedom and although this is hard it will be worth it in the long run.

I have written a note on my phone (he can't access) with everything I need to take with me. I am prepared as much as I can be in this situation.

I know he will be abusive when I leave and will probably stalk and harrass me like he did his ex partners. I am working with an intervention service and know I can get a non molestation order if I need.

I know he will be abusive when I leave and will probably stalk and harass me

In that case, it is probably worth logging this with 101 tomorrow before you leave. Just tell them the situation and how you expect him to react, and they can log it on file.

Will he be at home when you leave, if so would you have a friend or family member who can come and get you, maybe the refuge can also help. Block all contact with him, dont call him or leave any clue about where you are. If he gets nasty you can call the police for help. Are there any children involved.

He won’t be able to stalk you if you don’t tell him where you are and you block his number. Whatever you do don’t compromise the refuge by giving out the location to him. Good luck.

SendIng you lots of best wishes. Take care.

Nothing really to add to what pp have said, but good luck! You're doing the right thing.

He won't know where I am, I just need to be careful with him following me. I'm making the police aware that I am leaving as they have been involved. I don't think I'll sleep tonight worrying about tomorrow evening.

Good luck op, you are more than brave

Thank you, I don't feel brave right now.