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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A space in refuge for me, but too sacared to leave

160 replies

nowheretorunorhide · 14/03/2019 09:34

I need a bit of encouragement. A space in a refuge has come up, but I feel so guilty and scared leaving. I know he can't change and this will only get worse, but I love him and feel so scared to be alone.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/03/2019 22:54

Don't reply. Don't allow him to try and suck you back in. Block him if you need to.

Congratulations!

wigglypiggly · 15/03/2019 22:54

So glad you're safe, please please block him on your phone, dont read his texts or message him, you qnd all the other women need to be safe.Flowers

PersonaNonGarter · 15/03/2019 23:04

Well done!

Block him on your phone. Email only.

WitchDancer · 15/03/2019 23:17

Well done. I wish you a peaceful night

Happynow001 · 16/03/2019 08:04

He's texting me telling me he loves me and he wants to talk next week once he's sorted his head out.

Careful OP. You've done the hardest bit - don't let him back into your head. In fact tell you you need space to deal with the situation yourself. I hope you are your BIL manage to get everything out of the house that is still there in one trip.

Handhold for you - and this Rainbow 🌈 for better days ahead.

Happynow001 · 16/03/2019 08:05

Oops. I meant "In fact tell HIM you need space.."

NuclearReactor · 16/03/2019 08:44

Good for you getting out OP! So many woman going through the same as you say the same "I feel guilty" and I did too. But you shouldn't. You live for yourself and your children and no one else. You come first.

It is scary to be alone,yes, but once you learn to be alone it's freeing.

I hope everything works out for you. You're doing the right thing!

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 16/03/2019 10:03

He's trying to guilt trip me and saying I need to pay him back money for a holiday. I've told him to give me space for the moment before we discuss anything else. I've cried on and off all morning and can't even get off the sofa or eat. I feel so alone right now as my children are with my parents. I'm also scared what he might do next now this tactic isn't working him.

OP posts:
sackrifice · 16/03/2019 10:03

You need to block his number OP. Now!

TeenTimesTwo · 16/03/2019 10:09

Block his number. Give yourself space without letting him hound you.
Stay strong.
Don't tell him where you are.
You owe this to yourself and your children. You deserve better than him.

Mishappening · 16/03/2019 10:27

Block his number - just adding to that advice. Just do it - right now.

wigglypiggly · 16/03/2019 10:27

Please just block his number or give your phone to a member of staff, he is trying to get inside your head and he must not find out where you are. Stay strong and if you do meet with him again in the future make sure it's with other people there, the refuge will help you.

BorsetshireBlew · 16/03/2019 10:30

Why haven't you blocked his number? Please do that

BorsetshireBlew · 16/03/2019 10:31

If you don't feel you can block his number then put your phone on do not disturb mode so no calls or texts will pop up on the phone and you can choose to look at them later.

madcatladyforever · 16/03/2019 10:31

I did it and went to a refuge.
I was more scared that my exhusband would actually kill me and at the thought of growing old with a man who thought nothing of throwing knives at me and destroying my self esteem.
You are really lucky to be offered a room, there were not rooms available the whole year I needed a refuge and me and my child had to sleep on the sofas in the communal room.
You know this relationship will eventually escalate out of control and there may be no room at the refuge in the future.
Take this as a sign this was meant to be and get the hell out.
At some point in this relationship you will reach the point where you have to leave for your own safety, do it now! Don't wait.
Someone who loves you does not hurt you, that isn't love it is control pure and simple.

madcatladyforever · 16/03/2019 10:33

Oops just read the updates - block all his calls, he is full of shit. You don't have to give him any money and you don't have to listen to his bullshit. If he has something to say he can say it through your solicitor.

madcatladyforever · 16/03/2019 10:35

Also get the police to escort you back to the house to get your cat and all your other stuff. Under no circumstances do that alone, the police are used to it and will go with you.

MayFayner · 16/03/2019 10:37

You can do this OP Flowers

HotpotLawyer · 16/03/2019 11:26

OP, well done. So easy to say, but I really mean it.

You must block him. The emotional load in reading his stuff, the sweet talking, the threats and guilt trips, is huge. And it is all the typical abusers script. He doesn’t love you, he just can’t bear to have lost control.

You have so much RL support around you, your Nan, parents, BIL etc. Let them support you and look after you.

I know life in a refuge can actually be quite hard in itself but set your sights in your own free life ahead of you. Picture yourself sitting happy relaxed and free on that furniture that is being saved for you.

One more time: well done!

H0wt0kn0w · 16/03/2019 11:28

Block him!

I only got MENTAL freedom after I took the sim out of my phone and got a new sim tbh. I was physically away from him but still appealing to him for his forgiveness for having left him for 18 long months! argh. If only i'd taken the sim out of my phone on day one. This was 12 years ago. NOT sure if I could have blocked him.

HotpotLawyer · 16/03/2019 11:29

I hope you have location turned off?
Did he ever put a tracker in your phone?

Please please do not reply, OP.

And yes to getting the police to go with you. They are often absolutely brilliant in these circumstances.

Original poster
nowheretorunorhide · 16/03/2019 11:45

I've blocked him and said I'll go through all practical things with his mum.

OP posts:
Reaa · 16/03/2019 11:48

Change your phone number for now, you need time to get your own head straight.

You are amazing and so strong, you don't need any contact with him at all.

Mishappening · 16/03/2019 11:53

Such amazing achievements and progress - wishing you all good luck for the future.

Fishwifecalling · 16/03/2019 12:01

Be strong. You've got to resist his anger, sadness, pleading, love bombing, guilt trips and more. Everything. He will try everything in his power tio get you under his spell again. Make sure none of his tactics weaken you into going back.