Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

Urgh to the mansplaining from Arthur. OP please ignore it.

You had a line, he crossed it- and to make matters worse, instead of coming clean and showing remorse, he has been moody and evasive until caught.

The part I don't understand is the recent revelation about the unwanted touching. Apologies if I've missed your explanation elsewhere in the thread, but what prompted this confession? It seems odd to volunteer this after this playing down of events- unless of course it's the drip-feed part of The Script of confessing to a lesser sin to deflect from something worse. What are your thoughts around that?
Personally, I would have been apoplectic at the discovery that he had crossed the agreed forbidden line but I may have forgiven if he had shown remorse and understanding. I would absolutely not forgive the subsequent admission of non-consensual attempts at taking things further- WTAF?? What did he think he had to achieve by admitting to the worse state of affairs?

Arthur = Arnold.
Same same.

@JFDIJFDIJFDI

Everytime someone comes onto a thread spouting shit about how great strippers lives are because the knew someone who was a stripper, minimises trafficking.
People come on and say "stop feeling sorry for the strippers, they have a good life, make a good living and it's a choice they make". No, actually for the majority of strippers and sex workers around the world its not a choice.

An ex of mine told me he was going to a strip club with his mate and that he might stay for a lap dance. I remember feeling physically sick. Like you he knew how I felt about it. He has told you who he is. It won't get better. So sorry.

I found out my husband had a private dance on his stag do. I found out five days before the wedding - and honestly, after 11 years of marriage, it still hurts :(

Not only did it ruin my heart, but also the wedding day - I refused to say our own vows and instead did the standard lines. I felt numb. Broken and going through the motions because we'd already had a baby together.
I love him like crazy, but feel sick anytime 'Closer' comes on the radio as it was popular when it happened and it reminds me of it :-(

They probably skipped off back home when they returned and forgot to mention it.

Probably, but then you would probably know if they did tell them because there's a good chance they would have split up.
So would you mind mans planing to us mere women, what it is we should do? Never mention what we find acceptable and just live in ignorant bliss and hope our partners are mind readers? Because it's clear from this thread that everyone's boundaries are different.

People come on and say "stop feeling sorry for the strippers, they have a good life, make a good living and it's a choice they make"

Yeah. Wonder what the man in the OP's post would think if his daughter age 18 announced she was going to be a stripper. Or if his 12 year old considering careers said "well, I'm very good looking so I think stripping could be a safe, lucrative job where I'd make lots of friends with other women and ultimately be in control of what happens to me"

Some strippers are fine. Some prostitutes are fine. That doesn't negate trafficking and that many many are not fine but are doing what they do because of poverty and lack of choices and are in truly shit situations.

And taking the focus of the women. This man bought a sexual encounter while he was in a commited relationship and his partner was pregnant (and minding her step daughter as well as their own daughter).

He knew his partner's boundaries but he did it anyway. He knew the strippers/lap dancer's boundaries (no touching) and did it anyway.

This man isn't good with boundaries around sex. Frankly, I think he sounds like a fucking sleaze. not a nice man dragged along to a stip bar all unwilling (and I don't think there are many of those either)

Just out of interest OP what made him admit to trying to touch her? It isn't something a man would usually admit.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Going to a strip club would be a deal breaker for me, let alone having a private dance

@Arnoldthecat calm down, sweetie. No need to get testerical. We understand you’re trying to make some sort of rambling point. But you should really get your emotions in check. Also, be positive in your posts and smile more. Women like positive, smiley men.

I think he's really sleazy. I couldn't imagine even being happy with someone I'm with going to one of those clubs never mind doing what he did.

Relationships are hard. Yes, people within marriages develop crushes at times that hopefully fade away quickly and don't turn into anything before they damage a marriage. Yes, they might have thoughts including sexual thoughts about other people at times, naive to think not, but it's the acting upon it that's the problem.

If you buy into monogamy part of it is being the only one, the one the other loves more than anything with the 'pretence' (can't think of a better word although this isn't quite right) that you're so special your partner will want no other. Well we all know people develop crushes at times etc as you probably do yourself but the harm comes when fancying someone or wanting to be turned on by someone else turns into an actual deliberate act such as like going to a club to see women other than your wife/gf naked, having a lapdance, wanting to touch the other woman. Then it's a clear manifestation that you're not his number 1 and it has come and slapped you in the face. To me I'd be thinking what's the point of being with him.

Wizard

I also wonder about the women that say they don't mind the men they're with going to these places in the first place. It's almost as if they might as well accept it and not kick up a fuss at this to give him some rope so they can say their boundary is no lapdance and then they can at least say well I am reasonable and allow you to go to these places in the first place. How can you tell yourself, convince yourself, it's ok? Wouldn't you much rather your man wasn't out oggling other women and talking dirty with their mates over a stranger? Being sleazy and laddish, fancying other women than you who are naked? Men look at other women but I'd never get to the stage where I'd have to permit this for peace & quiet and so as to not be seen as a jealous nag and effectively turn a blind eye. Such low standards.

Good on you OP for getting rid of this loser.
I don't believe there is a woman on earth who is actually comfortable about their partner going in these kinds of places. They put up with it for fear of losing their man if they moan about it. That’s the only reason.
It’s sad and rather pathetic really. This is 2019 fgs.

yes I do wonder does any woman really just dismiss the image of her partner sitting back watching women strip off for his sexual delication. Or him sitting back while a woman does a lap dance. Is that really an image that can be just dismissed as "oh boys will be boys"?

I do accept that some women think this is fine/boys night out/ etc but I really can't understand it on another level. Sex is the only thing I do with dh that I won't do with anyone else.

Very sorry, OP.

I am not particularly jealous, but the nsked dance, his talking about his jsrdness and his revolting afmission thst he tried to touch her pussy would be it for me, too.

This was a real life woman he was rubbing against and would have fucked if he could.

Fucking vile. I am so sorry.

Did he try to explain or justify why he tried to touch her? Did you explicitly ask him?

I totally resent this attitude that some women have that if a man goes away on his own or his mates for a stag do or indeed any do, there is a possibility that he will engage in dubious practices such as enjoying lapdancers,associating with other women or hiring prostitutes.

...I once went to Amsterdam on a stag do. I was the only unmarried guy there. I enjoyed the atmosphere,the architecture, the culture etc. Of course some of the lads wanted to go look at the RLD. I tagged along. It was quite interesting to see lots of attractive women flaunting themselves. Do you know, in that weekend two of our posse shagged prostitutes?

Arnoldthecat you're bloody hilarious 😂

i’m wondering how he brought up that he tried to touch her ‘down there’? he knows you’re upset so why would he tell you to fan the flames ?

It seems very odd that he said he tried to touch her. Why would he tell you?

I would tell the bride. Give her the opportunity to make her mind up about her wedding too.

Sorry op xxxxx I want you to run a bath and have a nice meal out, go for a walk in the park and focus in the baby that is coming. He doesn't matter at the moment focus on what you are doing right now, growing a baby! Don't allow him to spoil this moment. You don't have to make any decisions now. Just stay calm for your baby and your own benefit. Big hugs xxx get tested for STDs please

I went to a hen party and there were men naked everywhere. I felt sick of how some women where behaving like they were a piece of meat. Some brides didn't tell their partners where they were going. This venue was in a music place and I expected a night out with friends not men swinging their bits..... Was so pleased when show finished!

How are you doing this morning op?

Currant, you must be devastated. Your OH felt entitled to throw your values and trust in the gutter to buy sexual contact with a (possibly coerced) fully nude woman who rubbed all over his front while he attempted to intimately touch her. After cheating, he created more distance between you with his dodgy lying by omission, snapping, denying, and shifting blame to his friend and to you for being pregnant. Despicable.

He has demeaned you, himself, and his three little daughters. You now know what he is made of and how he views women.

I could never plan a future with a man with such weak boundaries and sense of entitlement. Even flirting with your friend is acceptable to him.

You feel crushed now, but having your strong sense of self and the courage of your convictions will see you through.

I think you're incredible for sticking to your principles and value of yourself. There are so many women who buckle , backtrack etc not to loose him.

I totally understand how it has shifted your whole view on him and scared your marriage.

If he hadn't done anything wrong it wouldn't be a secret.

To be still chatting about it with his mate a month later shows that the event was quite significant in their eyes.