Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

@Drogosnextwife

Never said I’m an expert... just offered a perspective...

@JFDIJFDIJFDI
I absolutely get how many women arent coerced, trafficked, miserable etc. I can imagine, especially for those who get the opportunity to travel, that they have interesting and lucrative livings.
I must admit though, I still cringe about when I think of some of the clients they have to entertain. They’ll come across more than their fair share of sleezes.

Arnold, that was the stupidest post I’ve read here. If a man believes his partner should not engage in quasi sexual behaviour with strangers, and he expresses that to his partner, she should respect his boundary, or be prepared for the consequences.

I’m just trying to say that not all strippers/lap dancers/exotic dancers are miserable and coerced.

No but let's not presume that we know anything about the club the OP's dp was in. Your friends and what they did for a living have absolutely nothing to do with this scenario so I'm not sure why you felt the need to share.

The minimising of trafiking on these type of threads is ridiculous. There always a couple of posters who have known or have been a stripper. Means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

He sounds really creepy.

Trying to touch her... poor girl.

Then going to the loo for a chug then telling his mates. Grim grim grim.

Bloody hell, you lot. I certainly wouldn't be singing in the streets but I wouldn't shit the bed over it either.

And the fact he tried to turn it round and say it’s cos you’re too tired to have sex.

Yes funny that when a fair few women on this thread don't see the lapdance as infidelity or a sex act.

It is clear that being a man who likes to go to strip clubs occasionally and have a lap dance is not a deal breaker for many women. It baffles me but everyone sets their own boundaries. On every thread like this there are loads of posters who say "wouldn't bother me". I'm sure they are perfectly nice women. he should be with one of them or someone like them.

Arnold, to try and make this really simple, you’ve never lived in a world where it’s considered ‘normal, just a bit of fun, girls out on the town’ behaviour to go to a venue where there are lots of naked men on display for your girlfriend to pay to gyrate their massive cocks in her face, whilst she tries to cop a feel. Maybe if this was the case you might say ‘remember to not get another mans cock in your face and try not to touch it against his will’ as she goes out the door?

@WiseBlankie

GDP is what I was referring to.

oh do enjoy yourself dear but remember, no fucking other men behind my back..?
I think that's a given in any monogamous relationship, it kind of goes unsaid. So no! i wouldn't expect that to be said.

OP has already explained, it's really not rocket science - a discussion was held before he went, while she knew strip clubs were likely to be visited she clearly stated that she wouldn't be happy with a private dance but he pissed on her feelings and got one anyway. He clearly has no respect for women and that includes his own wife.

It really isn't a lot to ask is it that your husband remain completely faithful on a stag do.

Cross posts, my was in response to Tinyteatime

They were strippers, not ‘happy hookers’. Let’s be clear.

I thought it was obvious that I was using the cliched phrase 'happy hooker' to refer to sex workers. I'm aware you said they are lap dancers/strippers.

Anyway what's the point in nitpicking about penis on vulva v's penis in vagina - they're sex workers.

Hi OP,

Your post could’ve been written by me. Last August, my husband went on a stag do to Prague. Over the course of a drug and drink fuelled weekend, he had four lap dances. He also admitted to touching the dancer’s “bum” (his words).
Like yourself, I was at home looking after our 1-year-old child at the time.

I was absolutely livid when I found out. He came clean, apologised and was honest about the details. But to me, it’s simply cheating. I almost walked away.

After 8 months and a few helpful couples counselling sessions, I still resent him. Although, the anger has subsided somewhat.

While the situation was dreadful, it did prompt many (previously undiscussed) conversations between us, ranging from the normalisation of strip clubs in movies and television, to raising our son to respect women and helping him avoid toxic masculinity as he grows up. If you’re expecting a baby boy, I’d recommend your partner (and you) read “Boys Will Be Boys” by Clementine Ford.

I don’t have answers for you, OP as I’m still muddling through it myself. But I can completely relate to how you feel. Please don’t listen to anyone minimising this type of behaviour. It’s only your opinion and your boundaries that count.

As for my husband, he knows he’ll never go on a stag do again. He made his bed, he can lie in it.

X

Ugh. I can’t believe he tried to touch her. And what did he hope to gain by telling you? Grim.

@WizardOfAus, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a very similar experience to me.

It’s an odd feeling, not one I can describe but I feel as though the bottom has fallen out of my world. Everything I’ve known and our life together has changed drastically over night.

I view him very differently to how I did a couple of days ago.

We’re expecting another daughter. I can’t see a way back from this. He’s ripped my heart out and stomped all over it.

My hubby goes away with the lads for a weekend every year, on the Sunday they go to a strip club. I don’t really care about this but I made it clear early on I’d not tolerate a private dance. Thankfully he finds the whole strip club thing sleazy anyway. Him and one of the other lads never get a dance. One year they got talking at the bar to one of the strippers and she told them she hated her job, the men disgusted her and she only did it because she had three kids and was going to college and it was good money to make ends meet and better her future. Since then my hubby and said lad just go to another pub while the rest of the group go to strip club.

I know this because when we’re all together as a group the rest of the lads take the piss out of them for being ‘under the thumb’ etc and not partaking. Hubby usually just says why do I need to pay good money for something I get for free at home. All good natured etc.

The wives think they’re cool and clever because they ‘allow’ their husbands to get private dances, but really it’s just because the husbands do it anyway because they don’t give a shit about their feelings. I feel sorry for them to be honest. And I’m more than happy to say yeah he sees my vagina every day thanks and he can touch it any time he wants. I don’t charge him for it.

Fair enough if it genuinely doesn’t bother you of course.

@currantbeings I understand exactly how you feel. I haven’t looked at (or felt about) my husband the same way since. I think it will take a very, very long time to move past it— if ever.

I’m new to Mumsnet, but if there’s a way to private message me, please do. I’m happy to swap war stories. X

@Drogosnextwife
I’m not trying to minimise trafficking....

"The wives think they’re cool and clever because they ‘allow’ their husbands to get private dances, but really it’s just because the husbands do it anyway because they don’t give a shit about their feelings."

This.

Deal breaker for me too, OP. Hope you're ok

Arnold So when she goes off on her weekend break is she going to see lots of naked men in strip clubs in a notorious Eastern European destination?

I have no idea. There is vice in almost every city in the world for those who wish to find it and further, two lone women traveling in Europe may attract attention. Will she be able to resist or will she succumb to some hunky Latin lover? I would never know..

Hi OP

I’m sorry you are going through this! Your ‘dp’ has really made a twat of himself hasn’t he...and let you down hugely at a time he should have been there for you. I don’t blame you for the stance you’ve taken and he deserves every bit of your ire!

Regarding the upcoming wedding, I think you are right not to attend, but I’m torn about whether you should tell the bride to be or not. On the one hand I wouldn’t want to ruin someone’s wedding and upset them so close. On the other hand, however painful it is to hear, if I was the bride in question I’d want to know. I would never tell her for vengeful reasons, that would be cruel. I can see for now you’ve chosen not to say. If she found out in a few months, are you close enough for her to be hurt you never told her the truth?

I wish you all the best. You are a lady who clearly has a lot of respect for herself.

Relationships are different. Calling some women 'cool wives' in a derogatory way is as bad as saying other women are 'uptight'.

Each relationship has its own rules, as long as both partners know and agree to the rules that's fine.

The OPs partner broke their rules. That's the issue.

Arnold, to try and make this really simple, you’ve never lived in a world where it’s considered ‘normal, just a bit of fun, girls out on the town’ behaviour to go to a venue where there are lots of naked men on display for your girlfriend to pay to gyrate their massive cocks in her face, whilst she tries to cop a feel. Maybe if this was the case you might say ‘remember to not get another mans cock in your face and try not to touch it against his will’ as she goes out the door?

Please dont simplify on my account. Are you saying that no such establishments exist and that there are no male strip clubs,no predatory males etc etc? Of course there are. I once went to Amsterdam on a stag do. I was the only unmarried guy there. I enjoyed the atmosphere,the architecture, the culture etc. Of course some of the lads wanted to go look at the RLD. I tagged along. It was quite interesting to see lots of attractive women flaunting themselves. Do you know, in that weekend two of our posse shagged prostitutes? Guess what,,they were both married. I myself didnt indulge because it wasn.t in me. I wonder if their wives prewarned them before they went? Maybe they did,maybe they didnt. Either way it made no difference. They probably skipped off back home when they returned and forgot to mention it. Maybe sometimes its best not to know. Maybe my partner did take a latin lover ?