Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

So sorry this has happened OP. I’d have to leave after this - I wouldn’t be able to stop visualising it. He’s a disgusting cheating pig and you’ll never be able to trust him again. I’d also make sure the bride knew because I think the friend deserves some consequences too. I’m willing to bet he also cheated.

From what I gather, OP's husband is a cheat, a liar and tried to cross the stripper's boundaries so a borderline assaulter as well. Sounds like she is well off without him. Let's get that out of the way first.

I just have to say something in response to the assumptions made about me and others because we would / might be OK with a lapdance. It's not a "cool and clever", "close my eyes", "boys will be boys" thing at all. In my case, husband and I got together very young, decided after some five years of monogamy it was true love and we wanted to stay together forever, but we'd like sexual experiences with others. We opened our relationship. I had some romances and sex with others, so did he. We met some of our respective lovers. Everything was done openly and responsibly. After seven years, we gradually lost interest in exploring and for the past five years have been semi-monogamous again, but sex will never be an extremely exclusive thing between us. It always went both ways, and actually happened on my initiative. My husband is an open feminist and I would not accept anything else. I know this wouldn't work for everyone. It worked very well for us. Don't assume a narrative because a lapdance wouldn't bother me.

He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it

Is he a teenager? Any grown adult of any gender who uses the old "I had to go along with it as I didn't want to look bad in front of my friends" comment in any situation, not just re: strippers/lap dancers, is a weak-willed lemming and can fuck right off.

I'm a 45-year old man. I've never been to a strip club or lap dancing club and never would. The idea that some posters have that "there's a lot of peer pressure" is pathetic. As is any grown adult who can't say NO for themselves.

Ugh he sounds foul.

You and your daughters don’t need this revolting specimen. Bin him.

I’m so sorry OP. The image of him wanking himself off in a toilet cubicle after he’s paid a woman to grind naked on him is just repulsive. I have zero moral issue with strip clubs and sex work in general as a consensual exchange between adults, but no fucking way would I share my life and my bed and my body with a man who knew my boundaries before he went away and so willingly and easily trampled all over them. It’s cheating and I’m glad you can see that and are making plans to split.

Does he know you’re ending the relationship? How has he reacted? I’m not saying this to upset you but a man who goes on holiday and gets a lap dance and tries to touch the worker and then wanks himself off when he has a child and a present fiancée at home who he KNOWS would not tolerate him getting a dance doesn’t sound like a man who actually values or cares about you or loves you. You just couldn’t do that to someone you loved and respected and felt lucky to be with and wanted a future with. I suspect when it’s all done and dusted you’ll be surprised by how blasé he is about separating :( his actions don’t exactly indicate he’s crazy about you or very committed. What a horrible way to find out though.

Wow! Thank you all. When I posted initially I was fully expecting to be told to get a grip of myself.

I’ve been in hospital since the early hours. I woke up with strong contractions, they’ve given me steroid injections and I’ve also had to have pethidine. They think they’ve managed to stop the contractions but will likely be in hospital for a couple of days and then on total bed rest until she’s born (which could be interesting)

My mum phoned him to tell him I was in hospital. I haven’t told her what’s happened. He came to the hospital straight away. I didn’t ask him to leave but I didn’t speak to him either, I wanted him to see the damage he had done.

He was crying and grovelling. It’s too late. He’s shown such a lack of respect so in turn, after he’d left, I told him it was over by text. He deserves no more. It broke my heart to do it but I simply can’t live like this for the rest of my life.

The slight flirting with my friend was a warning, this latest misdemeanour is a full on red flag.

As for the bride, I dont know what to do. I won’t go out of my way to tell her what’s happened but if she gets wind of it and asks me outright then I won’t lie to her.

I've read the whole thread OP. Im sorry you're going through this right now. I hope you and baby are ok.

Really sorry to hear that you're in hospital. Glad all is ok for now and hope it stays that way.

FWIW I think you've made the right decision to end the relationship. Have you told your mum yet?

So sorry to read that you're in hospital OP, I've no doubt the stress over this is what brought you there

I think you need to confide in someone in real life now, someone who can support you practically and emotionally whilst you're in hospital. You owe him nothing, put yourself and baby first right now.

Wishing you well

As you said different couples have different boundaries and as far as you are concerned he has crossed one. Deal with how you see fit.

What i cannot agree with is involving yourself in this other couples business. Having read your posts its almost as if you are excited to tell the bride, something that could potentially ruin what should be the biggest moment of her life. At no point have you said that the groom had a private dance so why rock that boat??

Dont go to the wedding, cancel your own, throw your fella out, do whatever you want. But dont spoil this poor womans wedding day.

Oh gosh OP, you poor thing. Sending big hugs I hope he is bloody proud of what he has done and now caused.
Well done for sticking to your morals snd doing the right thing by you. He obviously hasn't been. Look after yourself and baby from this point onwards.

I always said to friends and family that to me, a private dance was a deal breaker. I said this before my wedding and was gobsmacked how many people still tried to encourage my husband in to a strip club on his stag do. Fortunately he went to the pub next door and rang me, but I wanted to reassure you that for all the people that will say you are being hormonal or whatever, there are others that feel the same way as you.

Sorry to hear you're in hospital. I hope things improve for you, and you are able to concentrate on getting some rest.

Wishing you all the best OP, you'e in the right place! Hope your DD stays put safely

The slight flirting with my friend was a warning, this latest misdemeanour is a full on red flag.

This, just this. You are right. There is no way around it.

He's not a keeper and you are showing AMAZING strength in not brushing this under the carpet. He will absolutely let you down again - he just isn't trustworthy.

Hard, really hard - but so much the best thing to do.

The only thing I can't get behind is not telling the bride. All this 'don't spoil the poor woman's wedding day' - WTF?!

She's marrying a turd and she may be perfectly aware of what he may have got up to and that's fine, her choice. But it's far more likely that she would feel the same way as you. Imagine how you'd feel if someone knew exactly what your ex-DP had done and chose not to tell you.

She's about to make the most important decision of her life, her future, her finances, her family, everything- I couldn't live with knowing information like that and not having the respect for someone to let them have the facts in advance. The 'poor woman's' wedding day is a farce already.

Personally I would be contacting her and letting her know that I wouldn't be there as we had split over his use of a sex worker during the stag. She'd either then choose to ask if her DP was involved or not and that would tell you volumes about where she stands, whether she might know about it already and be prepared to swallow it, or whether she would not want to know. That's the way I'd tackle it - giving her a heads up but letting her choose to ask.

Take care OP

@man1982
I’m utterly heartbroken, why on earth would I be ‘excited’ to tell her that her groom also had a private dance and allegedly paid for other members of the group to have one also?

I haven’t said a thing to her about the strip clubs, private nude lap dances. I’ve told her that we’ve had a disagreement. If I was excited to tell her what her HTB had allegedly done, don’t you think I’d have told her already?
I’m not like that! My own life is enough of a mess without trying to drag other people into my pit of misery and despair.

As for the bride, I dont know what to do. I won’t go out of my way to tell her what’s happened but if she gets wind of it and asks me outright then I won’t lie to her.

Does the above insinuate that I’m excited to tell her? No! I’m being completely honest about how I feel.

@fizzygreenwater "Personally I would be contacting her and letting her know that I wouldn't be there as we had split over his use of a sex worker during the stag" and that would achieve what exactly?

This statement also implies that he has been with a prostitute which i am sure your aware of which is not the same as visiting a strip club.

I think you all need to calm down a bit!!

You're doing brilliantly OP, you are a mega role model for your daughters

I agree with other posters, please tell friends and family now so they can support you

And don't stress over whether or not to tell the bride etc, just do whatever feels right at the time

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well

As for the bride, I dont know what to do. I won’t go out of my way to tell her what’s happened but if she gets wind of it and asks me outright then I won’t lie to her.

This is how I would handle it. You don't sound excited at the prospect at all.

But dont spoil this poor womans wedding day.

Yes let her get married and find out after the wedding, then her whole life will potentially be spoiled, but good god don't spoil the wedding day

At what point has OP sounded excited to tell the bride? She has already stated, twice as far as I remember that she will not tell the bride unless she specifically asks.

@currentbeings I didnt realise there were 10 pages to this post so didn't see your other posts included your quote above. Your early posts did infer that you wanted to tell her, sorry if i got the wrong end of the stick.

If you want my two penneth and you probably dont but have it anyway. I think in time you will forgive you OH, yes he has done something you asked him not to and the text was a bit cringe, ok alot!! But he hasn't cheated on you and you have invested too many years and feelings to throw it all away.

Had he gone out and hired a prostitute then yes thats unforgivable but in my honest opinion i think a lap dance is forgivable. He has hurt you and done the exact opposite of what you asked him to do and you are clearly and rightly upset.

He has alot of making up to do, but if things have been good in the past then give him a chance to make it up

@drogosnextwife Misunderstanding as stated above. As for potentially ruining her whole life i think may be an ever so slight over reaction!!

The DH has thrown it away, not the Op. he knew what her boundaries are and chose to ignore them. That's on him. Just because you don't have the same boundaries doesn't mean that the Op should.

@man1982

You might think it’s forgivable, but that doesn’t mean we all feel the same. I wouldn’t forgive my husband if he did this to me and I wouldn’t want to share a bed with a man I lost all respect for and viewed as s dirty perv.

Also, if I were a bride to be, I would want to have the opportunity not to marry a guy who had proven himself to be a cheating dirtbag. But then, I’m an all or nothing type of person.

It’s personal and the op has to do what is right for her and her family.

man1982 - yep I think grinding naked into a bloke's crotch for money is sex work.

What it would achieve is letting her know roughly what had gone on (at the moment as far as I'm aware the bride just knows OP and her ex have just had 'a falling out' - she's already been asking if OP is ok etc and OP has not told her any details or hinted at it being related to activities on the stag and therefore possibly her DP).

So telling her that detail would be the 'heads up' which would let her decide whether she wanted to find out more.

But, you know that already of course.

I'd see that as duty discharged as opposed to an uncomfortable feeling that I was now complicit in covering up for her scrote partner.

Love how 'calm down' so often = stop maintaining your boundaries and shut the fuck up

But he hasn't cheated on you

yep, I'd consider that cheating. So does OP. So do lots of people on here.

It's not hard really is it? Different people, different standards.

To OP, to me, to all who agree - he's already thrown it away. It's not there any more for OP to decide to throw. He's smashed it. Just simply isn't in OP's power to make it go away unless she decides to pretend for the rest of her life that this man is who she thought he was.

Nobody with an ounce of self respect wants to do that.

It's not hard to understand really.