Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

I never tried to shame the OP. If it came across like that, I apologise to her. I went back to my first post and saw I started it with this:

I'd be upset about the lying. That's a huge breach of trust, and I can understand you're doubting him now.

We also did not have all the information yet then. I think his behaviour after she found out, and his admission that he tried to touch the stripper without her permission, made him look a whole lot worse.

I partially responded like I did because, on the Pregnancy forums, (which is where OP started the thread), there had just been a thread about someone's good-for-nothing husband treating his pregnant wife like a house slave that did not cause nearly the same level of outrage, even though in my view that was far worse. The double standard was painful to me.

No, I don't start every post with an open relationship disclaimer. I'm also bisexual, in case that interests you.

And there we have it my opinion
Is wrong.
Read and move on!!!!!!!

I would feel the same as you as OP and to read your update regarding him attempting to take it further indeed confirms he is a cheating scumbag of a partner.

I'm glad you read the message but in a way also sorry you had to read something so vulgar. Still, some good has come out of it and I applaud you for knowing your self worth, for your strength and for being an excellent role model to your children.

I hope you're feeling better.

If I was the bride I'd rather you told me now so I could choose whether to go ahead with the wedding or not. I wouldn't want to find out five years and two kids down the line. I would much rather you told me.

Then again she might prefer not to know but none of us know that. However, a marriage based on lies from the beginning is not great.

I have to agree with you OP, it would be a deal breaker for me too

And there we have it my opinion
Is wrong.
Read and move on!!!!!!!

Who said your opinion is wrong? I said if you still want to back up that particular poster after reading their first post then I have no respect for you, not that you are wrong

No, I don't start every post with an open relationship disclaimer. I'm also bisexual, in case that interests you.

No it doesn't interest me in the slightest, and what you read on another thread had no relevance to this thread, so what you said was pointless.

What you said was that YOU wouldn't mind the OPs situation if the DP was doing housework. Essentially telling her that her standards are too high.

There are a few options:

• The bride is OK with it (in which case it does not matter if OP tells her or not)
• The bride is not (fully) OK with it and would prefer not to know
• The bride is not (fully) OK with it and would prefer to know

I think this is a very hard decision, and you, OP, are in the best place to judge. And you know best what outcome you yourself would find harder to live with (to feel complicit in cheating and an unequal marriage, or to stand accused of breaking up an engaged and altar-bound couple). These are worst case scenarios, of course, and neither of them fair towards you and the shitty situation that you are in.

I think, if I were in any way close to the bride, I would be open with her and tell her that I am splitting from partner because I found out he crossed my boundaries at the stag do. Without accusing her fiancé. If she wants to know more or is alarmed in any way, I'm sure she'll let you know, and you can answer her as openly and honestly as you can. I don't think you have anything concrete against her fiancé though - correct me if I'm wrong - so I'd tread carefully with direct accusations towards him and let her lead her own investigation if she chooses to.

If the bride and I were not close in any way, I would not feel the same sense of responsibility, and would probably say nothing unless she asks me directly.

Essentially telling her that her standards are too high.

That is not at all what I said. I said she had every right to be upset and doubt him. I did not shame her in any way. I made only two posts initially; the first one, which I cited earlier and in which I said to the OP that I considered what her partner did a huge breach of trust, and then I responded to another poster who said:

If it was Betty from the corner shop or Mary from work or a girl he met in the pub sitting naked on his lap shoving her breasts in his face and making him so turned on he had to wank himself off, no one would think you should continue with the relationship or marry him.

Because I wanted to make it clear that for me that the fact that it was a sex worker would not have made a difference. Perhaps there I should have mentioned the open relationship more explicitly - but to be honest I was surprised when I came back after a few hours to find that everyone had jumped to the conclusion that I just had low standards or would take any sort of crap from a man instead of making the in my eyes reasonable assumption that we have a mutual agreement and outlook on (the lack of) sexual exclusivity within our relationship (i.e. I would get to enjoy a lap dance from Annie from the pub as well, should I be into that).

Maybe you are getting me confused with someone else?

Can those in the middle of a debate please start a thread of their own? You’re being incredibly disrespectful to the OP.

OP, I think you’ve done the right thing and you’re clearly very strong. It sounds like if it wasn’t this, it would be something else sooner or later. His loss. What an idiot. I hope everything is OKish.

I think some people are getting too caught up in their own views on whether this behaviour is acceptable or not. When really the point is, OP had a red line that her partner was fully aware of. He didn't stumble over it blindly, he ignored it completely then lied to her about it. So OP is fully within her rights to decide that the relationship is over.

I admire you OP. You know your own worth and what you and your DD's deserve in life. I disagree with the pp who thinks you should forgive him for "their sake". Having a strong mother who won't let someone stamp all over her boundaries, just to hold onto him, is an extremely good lesson for girls. I wish my own mother had been that strong.

I hope all is well with you and the baby and that you're home from hospital soon. Take it easy and take care of yourself

Can those in the middle of a debate please start a thread of their own?

Never mind, I am done. I think I explained my position and motivations as clearly as I possibly can. I have no desire to have this devolve into an argument.

OP, all the best to you and the little one! You're in a lot of people's thoughts and I wish you every conceivable happiness.

CloudsCloudsClouds

It's against the rules to start threads about threads. Debates are what happens on most threads like this I'm affraid.

I don’t understand why you need to tell the bride anything? Have I missed something? You don’t know 100% that the groom had a private dance do you? As far as I understood you’ve only seen messages that indicate your H did. I wouldn’t bother to tell her they went to a strip club. Just focus on yourself and your DC.

I’m not sure why people are trying to minimise this. Even if you were ok with private lap dances surely no one is ok with their partner and father to their daughters being a groper. AFAIK strip clubs have a no touching rule and make this clear. He didn’t buy the right to touch her intimately. I’d call that an attempted assault, just because she was a sex worker doesn’t mean it’s ok. I could never move past that I don’t think.

OP I applaud you for being so strong and having the courage to stick by your values!

I wish you all the luck in the future and what a stupid fucking idiot your OH was to loose someone like you!

Your respect matters even less.
However if you thought I was 'right ' then I guess you would have respect for me.

The thing is on here's people can say what they like.

In real life people have a lot of respect for me.

You may be one of them.

What I don’t understand is the ‘this is right this is wrong’ mob mentality on mn. If this post was about a woman stating that her dp had crossed a line with her boundaries by watching porn, most of the responses would tell her she was ridiculous. Men can’t help/have the right to watch porn. But a lap dancer is cheating because she is with him.

There is no mob mentality.
There is no one opinion about anything, certainly not about porn.
Stop derailing the thread.

Derailing the thread? It’s 15 pages of opinion! My point is that if a woman on mn says her husband can’t watch porn she is ‘controlling’. If she says he can’t have a lap dance then she is applauded because that is cheating. I’m not saying either act is right or wrong, but it’s juat the mob mentality that can’t be questioned that I find sad

A god my eyes nearly got stuck in the back of my head they rolled that hard at that last post! Why is porn even being brought into this?

*In real life people have a lot of respect for me.

You may be one of them.*

Perhaps, perhaps not. We will never know because this is MN and I can only go by what you post, and completely agreeing with someone who came on here to shame a woman because she wants to leave her partner for doing something she sees as unforgivable, doesn't deserve respect online or IRL.

Mob mentality, why because the majority of posters agree that it was unforgivable 🤦, or that's just the way people feel?

Perhaps, perhaps not. We will never know because this is MN and I can only go by what you post, and completely agreeing with someone who came on here to shame a woman because she wants to leave her partner for doing something she sees as unforgivable, doesn't deserve respect online or IRL.
I DID NOT DO THAT
Not all men all bad.
Not all women are perfect.

And yes the mob cannot be questioned or we get all this nonsense.

And I suppose you are perfect in every way.

I feel for the OP
Terrible especially in her conditions.

I hope she is ok and it all works out for everyone

She has had a terrible shock.

Maybe I am perfect in every way who knows. Why would you say that?

Have a wee scroll back through the to where you copy and paste a post from a poster who did exactly what I described in my pp and you have written COMPLETELY AGREE!