Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

I think you're great op and I'm delighted that you have the support of a good friend too.Sending you feel better vibes also rest up and you will have your beautiful baby in your arms soon 💓

Thank you all again.

Still in hospital but no more contractions. They’re going to keep me in today and tonight at least, will hopefully be discharged tomorrow at some point (so please behave baby) I miss my little girl 😢

He’s been to see me this morning. I’ve calmed down and spoken to him. I asked if he thought of how it would’ve made me feel when it was happening. He said he had told his friend that he didn’t want one at the start of the night and he also said that until he’d had ‘copious’ amounts of alcohol even just being in the club was ‘very awkward’.

His friend then allegedly bought him a dance because he was the ‘sheltered country boy’ of the group 🙄 he said he felt pressured to go through with it 🤔

I said if he felt so pressured and awkward then he wouldn’t have managed to get so aroused that he had to try to touch the girl’s private’s and then wank himself off in the toilets. He didn’t say much to that. Got some bull shit about drinking and being lost in the moment.

He seemed sincere today and I’m pleased I’ve talked to him as I’ve said a lot that I wanted to say.

He asked if there was any possibility of a future for us and I’ve had to say no. What with the flirting with my friend and now this, there’s no trust, I’ll be constantly on edge and I really would be the jealous possessive girlfriend. I think that to stay with him after everything would damage he person I am beyond recognition.

i I’ll be constantly on edge and I really would be the jealous possessive girlfriend. I think that to stay with him after everything would damage he person I am beyond recognition.

Speaking from experience, yes. It almost certainly would.

Sorry, that should have been between quotes.

he said he felt pressured to go through with it 🤔

The subsequent reliving of his obvious delight in the experience and gloating about it with his equally sleazy mate belies that he felt pressured into it

OP I've said from the start you sound incredibly strong and with such clear boundaries and self respect. Many another person, without even having a child and another on the way, would've comprised those boundaries by now.

The thing is he knew you weren't ok with it and he was trampling over your boundaries/lines. The fact that he was (very) drunk and pressured ... Does that mean similar or worse boundaries get trampled over if he's drunk and/or pressured? Likewise he knew that going ahead and doing it meant lying to you by omission. Another question mark over integrity and honesty.
To be honest it's no worse (trampling boundaries and being dishonest) than many people do unfortunately; but I suppose that doesn't make it ok and you're stronger and with more integrity than most not to out up with it.

*put it up with it.

If he had even felt huge regret/shame/discomfort afterward and told you himself .. but he was ok with just lying by omission and reminiscing with his friend. Speaks of dishonesty, disingenuity, and disrespectful that's not encouraging at all in terms of a relationship.

Anyfucker made the valid point about his behaviour not being in line with the circumstances he described and I agree to some extent. The only small thing I'd say is that,behaving not been 'used to' being in that situation, very drunk, he may have by default tried to behave the way he would in a 'normal' sexual encounter. Also he may have been reminiscing sleazily afterward because he's an immature sad ass for whom it's really important to bond with and impress his friends.

Neither of those 'excuses' really make him look much better though.

I agree with your previous opinion that flirting with your friend was a small red flag and that this is a very big one.

Some people would continue but he's definitely shown himself to be untrustworthy, lacking in integrity etc. Perhaps some people might learn a v important lesson from this and never repeat anything similar but you are taking the risk that they won't and they'll just think "phew, close thing but off the hook now, got away with it" and continue on being dishonest, two-faced, and putting bonding with their mates above "women".

How did his relationship breakdown with the mother of the stepchild you were watching - do you have the 'real' story on that e.g. her side as well?

@AnyFucker my thoughts exactly!

@Mortalitym1n1 thank you, you’ve summed up everything I wanted to say there. Ironically enough, his ex cheated on him, he demanded a DNA test on DSD as soon as she was born as she’d left him for the other guy before she found out she was pregnant. So you’d think that he’d know better having been hurt in the past.

Wow maybe that's why he has quite low standards for integrity etc. in a relationship - however that was her, not you; and he has no right to carry that into your relationship (if it even was a factor).

I'd still be interested to know why she says she cheated and left, she clearly wasn't happy with him. It's a cliche but I do believe while men can cheat while happy enough in a relationship, women generally don't.

while some* men - I should say before I get hammered.

I will say currant that I think many women would put up with this, they'd be very angry and upset but they would put up with it. Of course that doesn't make it any less shit, and it doesn't mean you have to.

I hate the industry and the culture behind it but ultimately it's down to people's own judgement & decision making.

I do feel as though he would take his frustrations with his ex out on me at times. It was only once or twice but I remembered the things he’d told me about her (which wasn’t all that much to be honest) and thinking that the things he was accusing me of were parallel to the things she’d actually done IYSWIM. I think he let a lot slide with her.

I’m not sure it’s directly linked to his behaviour whilst on the stag do and I don’t want to start softening and making excuses for him although I know what you’re getting at.

I do know that when I met him, he had cripplingly low self confidence. They both said themselves that the relationship had just ran it’s course and neither of them were in love anymore. I think it was a shock to him more than anything. I also think she enjoyed the fact that he earned enough so she didn’t have to go to work and they lived in his house with no mortgage or rent to pay.

I get on with her reasonably well. It’s always been very civil and amiable for DSD’s sake (and let’s face it, sometimes it’s just easier to get on)

I suppose anyone's bound to have some issues after being cheated on and left, with a pregnancy/baby in the middle of it to boot - but I agree that were on danger of making excuses for him.

Maybe his experience of women/relationships has affected his attitudes, but I suppose that actually makes him worse relationship/partner material.

Whatever the case you ' dong do time for someone else's crime'. You've done nothing to him (to the contrary you were at home pregnant with his child, looking after your other child together and his daughter), you didn't deserve him to tramp all over what he knew was your 'line' and lie about it.

*don't do time for someone else's crime

Also all the other stags will have told their respective partners what he’s done, missing out anything they’ve done. I would imagine the bride would be ok with any lap dancing stuff otherwise she would have knocked Prague into touch.

The more I think about it currant - you've been a long-term commited, faithful partner who's had a child (paternity not under question!) with him and expecting a second, you've had the maturity and good sense to establish a civil relationship with his ex (which many people do not, you're willing to look after theid child on your own (which again, many would not) ... He should have been more grateful and appreciate that he had you because of his previous relationship. Not only is it no excuse, it's a reasonn he should have respected your wishes and your relationship/intimacy.

@Moralitym1n1 I did one hell of a lot where DSD was concerned.

It’s a shame but now that I’m not in the picture, he’ll very rarely get to see her now. He’s a farmer so his work is 24/7. I looked after DSD every weekend and every school holiday. He wouldn’t have seen her a fraction of the time if it wasn’t for me as his work just won’t allow it!

Unfortunately though it’s DSD who will now also miss out thanks to his stupidity. Not to mention our DD’s who won’t see their sister as regularly.

at getting lost in the moment.

When push came to shove, he did not protect his fidelity.

I hope that your little one stays put and you are discharged very soon. Your daughter will be so happy to see you.

*currant - that's sad.

Perhaps you can stay in contact independently; you are on civil terms with her mum and she is still half sister to your children. Could you meet with her and her mum (or is that too palsy) so you're not doing the looking after, on top of your own a new baby .. and in time, the older they all get, the easier it would be to have her to stay.

It sounds like you took on a lot for him. He's a fool.

Are you the same OP from ages ago with the farmer DH who was really unhelpful and the DSD who scribbled on walls?

You are an incredible woman OP.

Hello Op! Fingers crossed that you get home to your DD today...and that you’re feeling a little better. You’re in all of our thoughts xx

Yes adult I recognise the farmer /DSD situation. Sounds like this was definitely your final straw OP.

I hope you get home ok and take care xx

Currant,
I hope you're ok.
I wondered, do you have anyone to take care of you and your dd when you go home? I am NOT suggesting that you take back your OH, but I do think that since you're going to be confined to bed through the rest of your pregnancy, he should have to shoulder the responsibility. He needs to see what he's done and help are you and your daughter until you're back on your feet. I don't know how you're fixed for bedrooms, but he could always sleep on the couch. He made this mess and he needs to be the one to deal with it. YOU did nothing wrong and deserve to be taken care of, and even if he's taking care of the situation you do not have to take him back. This is all on the jackass.
💙

Hi everyone, sorry for being so quiet, just nicely home after being discharged and ran out of data in hospital! Everything seems to have calmed down for now but still in bed rest for the foreseeable and have been told it’s more than likely that I’ll be giving birth prematurely.

@adulthumanwolf yes, more than likely. We actually managed to start reading from the same page where DSD was concerned and her behaviour improved a lot.

@beenwhereyouare I’m currently at home, ex is ‘looking after’ me. It’s really not ideal but my mum has had her knee replacement today so we can’t really stay up there unfortunately.

Ex is sleeping on sofa and I’m in the bed. He’s keeping me well nourished with a fantastic selection of Lidl’s finest ready meals. They’re actually not too bad to be honest. Have also got SIL coming in to help with some housework and washing etc as well as giving some someone to talk to. She isn’t speaking to her brother because of what he’s done.

Aside from all of the unconventionality, it’s sooooo lovely to have my little girl back. We’ve missed each other so much.