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Original poster

Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

481 replies

currantbeings · 13/03/2019 11:12

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

OP posts:
Areyouserious9 · 14/03/2019 13:28

@drogosnextwife - yeah sure - you've just called me a pathetic individual but of course I will spend an hour looking for a link for you.Hmm

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 13:28

And some feminists don't.
What is your point, and it's relevance to this thread?

My point in that case was that when it comes to issues of sexuality, there is not a single clear stance within feminist practice or theory.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:29

@Areyouserious9

If you do actually have a vagina, you should be ashamed of your first post to the OP.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:31

@Areyouserious9

Think you might be telling porkies.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:32

I thi k everyone would be interested to read that thread, not just me.

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 13:34

Well a big round of aplause to you for being so "open minded" and happy for your dp to shag around, but then you were doing that as well so it's not really the same situation here is it.

Well, that's what I said earlier too, if you go back a few pages. OP's husband is a liar, and also engaged in borderline sexual assault by trying to touch the stripper's genitalia without her consent. She's well rid of him.

You don't have to applaud me. It worked well for us - I know it's not for everyone. I'm not sure why you are so derogatory about our relationship. I think we were partially successful because we are open-minded, yes, but I know plenty of open-minded people who prefer traditional monogamy.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:34

@WiseBlankie

and it's relevance to this thread?

Also, a polygamist may not be the most appropriate person to comment on and support a woman in a monogamous relationship whose partner has acted inappropriately/cheated, depending on your view.

You don't subscribe to the same basic values and 'rules' as she does so the relevance of your opinion is questionable.

BlueAndYellowPurplePills · 14/03/2019 13:34

Op you are fab. You set your boundaries, he crossed it and you have stuck by your threat that it was a relationship breaker.

Well done for your strength.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:35

When you try to keep a woman down by telling her that she won't be able to cope without her partner (no matter what that partner has done) and her children will eventually blame her for the separation, make you pathetic in my eyes. I can't actually believe a woman would say that to another woman.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:36

(and I don't mean that in any derogatory/snarky way).

AnotherEmma · 14/03/2019 13:40

"Drogosnextwife - I think I love you (in a purely non-lesbian way cause I'm a feminist who actually shags men)."

Grin

This thread is just ridiculous now!

The mansplaining, the irrelevant projection (so you have an open relationship, you've had couple's lap dances, you're a happy hooker, you have weekly group orgies... so fucking what, not relevant to the OP), comments that the OP is going to ruin the bride's wedding day and ruin her children's lives, the boring and predictable accusation of "sexism" on Mumsnet (start your own fucking thread)... what a load of nonsense.

Meanwhile, the OP is in HOSPITAL. Focus on her issues and show her some support or GO AWAY.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:42

Drogosnextwife - I think I love you (in a purely non-lesbian way cause I'm a feminist who actually shags men).

Thanks. I also shag men, well just the one. I have only learned on this thread that we are doing feminism wrong though, we should clearly be lesbians.

Noisygirls · 14/03/2019 13:42

Don’t normally message but just wanted to say I think you’re doing brilliantly. Hope you have people showering you with love and support and are taking it easy for you and your baby.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:45

WiseBlankie

Well thanks for sharing your story but it's been pretty irrelavent to this thread, so I'm not sure why you felt the need.

Also from your first post there was no mention of an open relationship, you just said you would be happy for your dp to indulge his sexual perversions as long as he was doing the hoovering. Ffs.

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 13:47

You don't subscribe to the same basic values and 'rules' as she does so the relevance of your opinion is questionable.

I can see why you would question my engagement in the discussion, but it's a public forum and I think all the better for allowing different views and lifestyles to "meet".

I never tried to question OP's decision. He did cross her boundaries, and she is well within her rights to kick him out. (Not that anyone needs to be within their rights to break off a relationship. Not being happy / not feeling respected should be enough.) I wish her all the best. It must be a tough time, and I hope she is getting the support she needs. Like many, I think she has responded with dignity and reason.

A lot of women on this thread have been very dismissive of women who have different boundaries, though, including yourself. That is what I was reacting to.

MaybeNew · 14/03/2019 13:48

I have a friend whose DH did something similar and was persuaded by her DPs that she was overreacting when she tried to go home to them temporarily.

The marriage limped on for 5 more years, she became very depressed and eventually he left her and the DC for a younger woman. He pushed the boundaries for those 5 years because once her DPs had dismissed his behaviour as laddish, he felt free to do as he liked.

Strangely enough, her depression lifted within months of her leaving and she has happily remarried.

He looks like a sad old man now, forever trying to find ‘hot’ young girlfriends. His DC are embarrassed by him and think he is pathetic. One DD said that he thinks that women are only there as servants for him and blames her DGM for pandering to him when he was growing up.

Good luck OP and remember that it is up to you where you draw your boundaries.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:49

OP AnotherEmma is right. I hope you are OK and everything goes well at the hospital and you are home soon.
Tell your family what's going on, you need the support just now.

Robin2323 · 14/03/2019 13:52

Not unless his cock has dropped off and he's suddenly got a vagina. I simply just don't agree with the shrew crew on here that seem to believe all men are bad and all women are angels. I also think its frankly dangerous that overwhelmingly the advice on here, irrespective of the deed, leads to the massed cry of LTB. With no consideration to practicalities and the future. Women are as capable of causing pain and heartbreak as men but on here men are vilified and women are seen as perfect. Its wrong. Its dangerous. Its sexist.

COMPLETELY AGREE
And if the man is ever defended
Your opinion is shot to peaces
And you are made to feel small.
It can be quite bulling
And if I dare to say that's fine to disagree - read and move on I get put down again.
I thought we were here to give all options because one size does not fit all.
Sometimes I think people just come on here for a rant because they are having a bad day and can't get at the person/situation they really cross with.

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 13:53

Well thanks for sharing your story but it's been pretty irrelavent to this thread, so I'm not sure why you felt the need.

It's irrelevant to OP in her situation now. I did not feel it was irrelevant to this thread as a whole, which featured a lot of shaming of women who have different agreements with their partners. I get from your responses to me that you do think non-monogamy (or monogamy defined differently from how you define it) a bad (dirty? perverse?) thing. I think that's a shame, but I know I won't change your opinion on a Mumsnet thread. Just putting another one alongside it.

rainbowstardrops · 14/03/2019 13:56

Hope you're ok OP. For what it's worth, I think you've done the right thing Thanks

FizzyGreenWater · 14/03/2019 13:58

Well this has turned into a festival of the nutjobs!

It's so much simpler than this - he chose to go ahead and do something that he knows would completely hurt his partner, that he knew was a dealbreaker. The fact that it is about sex and fidelity is relevant as it's so personally hurtful, the most sensitive area of relationships - but even if it wasn't the facts wouldn't have changed. He let her know just how much he respects the boundaries she was upfront about - zero respect. So she's done.

Interesting that OP herself, while on her hospital bed, has the maturity and presence of mind to have dealt with all the nonsense over the ast 30 posts or so in one simple sentence:

I completely get that some people would be ok with this.

Yes. That's it. People are different.

Shame on those who can't see that, won't allow for that, to the extent of trying to bully and guilt OP into letting her personal boundaries be completely disregarded because think of the children! Yes she is thinking of her children, she knows she doesn't want to be in a relationship where her partner treats her like shit and she knows that she doesn't want that for her children. That's her decision, I think we can all respect her enough to agree that it isn't one anyone takes lightly.

I've stated my position clearly on here - I'm one of the pearl clutchers who wouldn't accept this for a moment and it would kill my relationship for me. I can also understand that other people think completely differently.

The one thing I'd point out to those who are very eager to underline how open-minded and accepting they would be of this situation - every one of your posts take as read that that open-mindedness is a positive thing for your relationships because you are on the same page with it.

It worked for us

things that me and my partner might enjoy

Well yes. It goes without saying that if OP's thinking was the same as her ex's on this, there would not have been a problem. Mutual decisions. Mutual experimentation. Mutual respect. There's none, and that's why this thread exists, surely? Like I said before, this is about sex but really it's just about doing something you know your partner would not agree with, so there is no mutual. That's what OP has a problem with. I would too. I would not want to continue to build a family with someone I could not trust to have my best interests at heart.

areyoubeingserviced · 14/03/2019 14:07

I haven’t read all the thread, so forgive me if I repeat something that has been said earlier.
The simple fact is that OP told her DP that she didn’t want him to have a lap dance.
He had a lap dance, got hard, had a wank and then lied to her when he got back.
He then has the temerity to lay some blame on the OP. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Just because other people are fine with their partners having a lap dance, it doesn’t mean that OP has to be cool about it.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 14:08

WiseBlankie

I honestly couldn't care less if people want to have an open relationship, I don't find it dirty or perverse if it makes both people happy.
You were one of the people trying to shame the OP. By putting forward the opinion that you would be fine with the OPs situation as long as dp was pulling his weight around the house. That's because you had an open relationship, you just conviniently forgot to mention that in the first couple of posts.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 14:12

Robin2323
If you haven't already, perhaps you should go back and read the fist post from that person. If you still COMPLETELY AGREE then I have no respect for you either.

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 14:12

@FizzyGreenWater - you may be a pearl-clutcher and I may be a nutjob (lol), but we are expressing the same opinion. I just noticed a lot more bullying in the other direction (mostly a lot of cynical and sarcastic comments towards women who said for them a lapdance wouldn't be a problem. Even though OP, you and I would all agree that's OK too. In my opinion, it's even OK to forgive cheating, if you come to the decision that you can and would like to).