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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

481 replies

currantbeings · 13/03/2019 11:12

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 14/03/2019 13:01

Oh and I'm not responding to the ridiculous derail. It seems we just can't escape the mansplainers on this thread. My advice to PPs is just ignore, do not engage!

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:02

I was giving an opinion. Nobody who hasn't been in the position of the OP knows how it feels, gender is irrelevant.

Some women in here have been in the position of the OP (or similar).

A man/male partner is also not usually affected by the sex industry in the same way a woman/female partner is.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:03

*on here

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:03

So gender is relevant.

Areyouserious9 · 14/03/2019 13:04

@man1982 thanks for your support.

@moralitym1n1 - and you sound, well, just hideous.

@wiseblankie - couldn't agree more. Well put.

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 13:04

If you think you can be an "ethical" consumer of the sex industry then I think you're kidding yourself in the extreme.

My objection to Moralitym1n1's statements is also based in feminism. I just came out on the other side of the sex wars, I suppose. I, for example, agree with Amnesty International's policy (www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2016/05/amnesty-international-publishes-policy-and-research-on-protection-of-sex-workers-rights/) to protect sex workers rights, and support sex workers unions. Yes, I think you can absolutely be an ethical consumer of erotic services. And yes, I think that there should not be a single format for a romantic / sexual relationship between consenting adults. We're all capable of making our own moral judgements.

Some feminists think the only feminist choice is lesbianism.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:08

@Areyouserious9

moralitym1n1 - and you sound, well, just hideous.

Ditto.

Posters on here think you're Ops partner - that's how bad your posts are.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:09

Yes it says I'm open minded and open to experiment with things that me and my partner might enjoy. Shock horror - we also watch porn!

Aw good for you, you are definitely winning at the whole relationship thing because of your open mindedness 😂

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:11

@man1982 thanks for your support.

And thanking a mansplaining apologist who doesn't have the empathy to get op's pain and had never experienced anything like this in a relationship (and who also becomes hysterical, oh the irony, when challenged) just cements that.

Areyouserious9 · 14/03/2019 13:11

@drogosnextwife

Not unless his cock has dropped off and he's suddenly got a vagina. I simply just don't agree with the shrew crew on here that seem to believe all men are bad and all women are angels. I also think its frankly dangerous that overwhelmingly the advice on here, irrespective of the deed, leads to the massed cry of LTB. With no consideration to practicalities and the future. Women are as capable of causing pain and heartbreak as men but on here men are vilified and women are seen as perfect. Its wrong. Its dangerous. Its sexist.

There was a thread a few weeks ago where a man had suffered domestic violence at the hands of his female partner - the response? What did you do to make her hit you? Sums it up really.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:12

*has

Sowing747 · 14/03/2019 13:13

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. As others have said, your OH could have resisted the lap dance without looking like a prude. I'd say it's easier to resist than go through with it, unless he really wanted it.

FWIW, my DH went to a reggae club on his stag do night, followed by mountain biking the next day. He has a massive sex drive too, but said he couldn't think of anything more cringy than paying an unfamiliar woman to remove her clothes and dance.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:14

WiseBlankie

Sorry, are you the poster that earlier said you would be happy to let your dp go out and have private lap dances as much as they liked as long as they were doing some hoovering and dishes at home? 😂

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:14

Women are as capable of causing pain and heartbreak as men but on here men are vilified and women are seen as perfect.

That's not the case in this thread, this thread is about this case.

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/03/2019 13:17

@Areyouserious9, that is a nonsense. You're displaying your own biases if you're managing to interpret what you're reading as "man=bad / woman=perfect"

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:18

Look at areyouserious and man sticking together 😂

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:18

There was a thread a few weeks ago where a man had suffered domestic violence at the hands of his female partner - the response? What did you do to make her hit you? Sums it up really.

Irrelevant to this thread.

I agree there can be a double standard on MN, but not all posters adhere to it - if a man said he was experiencing domestic violence or abuse, my response would be exactly the same as to a woman "not acceptable, no excuse, get out, unlikely to get better".

I reversed the situation in this thread for man1989 and told him,if he was my brother or friend, I see his partner as disrespectful, dishonest, low morals, sleazy, piss taking, cruel etc and that staying makes him a target for cheating (if it hasn't already happened) .. exactly the same opinion I've given to op.

Sowing747 · 14/03/2019 13:21

Wow. I've just read your updates before my earlier post.

Massive respect to you OP!!

I hope this is a harsh lesson not just for your (ex) OH, but to his group of friends.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:21

Some feminists think the only feminist choice is lesbianism.

And some feminists don't.
What is your point, and it's relevance to this thread?

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:22

Areyouserious9

Could you link that thread please. It would be interesting to read that.

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 13:23

Sorry, are you the poster that earlier said you would be happy to let your dp go out and have private lap dances as much as they liked as long as they were doing some hoovering and dishes at home? 😂

With some nuance. Husband and I had an open relationship for seven years (and we both had our fun and enjoyed the love of multiple partners), so yeah, I am not fussed about a lap dance. We're semi-monogamous now, but not in the same way most people are, and a lap dance on a rare night out is well within the boundaries. I'd show him the door if he didn't pull his weight around the house, though. The way that household / caring tasks so often automatically fall on a woman's shoulders horrifies me.

We've been together for 16 years, and he's as tidy and helpful as ever though. Grin

PlasticPatty · 14/03/2019 13:23

Thread is up it's own backside by now, but OP you are right to be angry and right to get rid of the sleazy git.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 13:26

Drogosnextwife - I think I love you (in a purely non-lesbian way cause I'm a feminist who actually shags men).

With no consideration to practicalities and the future

Noone has told op not to consider practicalities of the future. Practicalities are neither here nor there, people are forced to sort them out every day of the week and do so.

Concern about her future is one of the main reasons many posters are supporting ops apparent decision to end the relationship.

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:26

Well a big round of aplause to you for being so "open minded" and happy for your dp to shag around, but then you were doing that as well so it's not really the same situation here is it.