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Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

481 replies

currantbeings · 13/03/2019 11:12

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 14/03/2019 12:25

@Man1982

I don't think you understand what a boundary is. It is not about leaving the loo seat down or remembering to put the lid on the toothpaste. It is something which is fundamental to someone's self respect. You might not like it, agree with it or even understand it but you do it because it is something which is very important to the person you profess to love and respect. When you ride roughshod over a loved one's boundaries, you are sending a very clear message to them about where they stand with you.

There are plenty of women out there who are absolutely fine with their partners enjoying a lap dance. The OP isn't one of them. He knew that and did it anyway.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:25

Well that's life really - have you not ever done things he doesn't like?

I have a feeling she's never paid another bloke to strip naked and rub his body over her, against the specific request of her partner while he was at home incapacitated and looking after their kids (and her kids from a previous relationship), lied by omission about it, then boosted about how wet it made her to her friend , and when caught blamed his lack of sexual availablity and said she tried to touch the guys cock but he stopped her.

Just a tiny inkling .. that she hasn't done that.

Areyouserious9 · 14/03/2019 12:29

@moralitym1n1

Says it all really.

Yes it says I'm open minded and open to experiment with things that me and my partner might enjoy. Shock horror - we also watch porn! Wink

man1982 · 14/03/2019 12:31

@HomeTheatreSystem I would appreciate it if you didn't patronise me. I have said in several posts that he has overstepped the mark.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:31

Op I'm really sorry this has happened now of all times and is affecting your health and your baby ..

People who haven't had this done to them cannot understand.

Men generally cannot understand.

Other people just have different outlooks and (rather low?) standards.

I had much less done and was not pregnant, I remember trying to stick through work til the end of the working day for a few days and I struggled. I cant imagine how shitty and stressful it must be in the circumstances - it's the pain of realising the relationship is probably cover as well as the hurt if what he's done.

I know it's hard but try to take it easy. It sounds like you'll end the relationship but you don't have to make final decisions and end it now, you can kick that ball along if it helps your pregnancy right now.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:32

*over

man1982 · 14/03/2019 12:36

@Moralitym1n1 "I do believe you, it's all theoretical for you which is why you're saying you'd (unhappily/stoically - great way to live life) continue the relationship".

Seeing as none of know the OP and the OH would you not say that every opinion so far is "theoretical"?.

and as for "Men generally cannot understand". What a sexist thing to say.

Having read your comments on here about me and others you simply do not like anyone disagreeing with you!!

man1982 · 14/03/2019 12:37

@Moralitym1n1 "Other people just have different outlooks and (rather low?) standards."

Thats just damm right insulting!!! How dare you judge like that?

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:38

Yes it says I'm open minded and open to experiment with things that me and my partner might enjoy.

I'm sure you're very very 'cool'.

Keep taking the blue pill.

man1982 · 14/03/2019 12:40

@Moralitym1n1 "Yes it says I'm open minded and open to experiment with things that me and my partner might enjoy.

I'm sure you're very very 'cool'.

Keep taking the blue pill"

WOW, could you be anymore insulting and judgemental. Who do you think you are?

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:40

Seeing as none of know the OP and the OH would you not say that every opinion so far is "theoretical"?.

Oh my goodness, how obtuse are you?

I was referring to you being in the equivalent situation. The OP is unfortunately in that situation; you are not and cannot truly grasp how you'd feel. You say you'd (unhappily) continue the relationship for your kids etc. but I believe that's because it's theoretical for you, you're not feeling the pain, disrespect, betrayal etc.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:43

and as for "Men generally cannot understand". What a sexist thing to say.

In my experience most men can't. Some men, with it explained to them, the situation reversed etc can (but don't tend to see it on their own). Your post actually demonstrated it; you can't understand how op feels and think she should forgive.

man1982 · 14/03/2019 12:44

This reply has been deleted

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Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:45

(Of the men who never frequent sex industry establishments, I've found it doesn't tend to be due to huge empathy & understanding of his it would feel for their partner, more just not their cup of tea, a waste of money etc.).

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:47

you simply do not like anyone disagreeing with you!!

You are literally one of the most condescending, judgmental idiots i have ever come across.

Seems like you don't much like people disagreeing with you; and I haven't called you an idiot or anything offensive.

You seem to be losing your shit, maybe take a breather before you say worse and get banned dear.

man1982 · 14/03/2019 12:48

@Moralitym1n1 "In my experience most men can't. Some men, with it explained to them, the situation reversed etc can (but don't tend to see it on their own). Your post actually demonstrated it; you can't understand how op feels and think she should forgive"

I was giving an opinion. Nobody who hasn't been in the position of the OP knows how it feels, gender is irrelevant.

man1982 · 14/03/2019 12:51

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AssassinatedBeauty · 14/03/2019 12:53

Obtuse isn't offensive....

WiseBlankie · 14/03/2019 12:54

Just ignore Moralitym1n1. She seems to have internalised the toxic patriarchal myth of women as the moral guardians of society. Any couple should be able to dictate the terms and form of their own relationship without being shamed for it, as long as this is done between two consenting adults (or three, or more, if that takes your fancy), and doesn't harm others. That includes "ethical consumption" within the sex industry.

Gender, unfortunately, is always relevant.

HomeTheatreSystem · 14/03/2019 12:56

@Man1982 "I would appreciate it if you didn't patronise me. I have said in several posts that he has overstepped the mark"

There you go again...he did way more than "overstep the mark" ...you make it sound like he arrived at a dinner party two sheets to the wind.

You don't need me to help you sound a bit slow, you're doing a good enough job all by yourself.

AssassinatedBeauty · 14/03/2019 12:56

You're assuming the objection is morality based, as in judging the sexual element of the activity. I would imagine that the objection @Moralitym1n1 has is a feminist objection based on the negatives for women in society caused by the sex industry.

If you think you can be an "ethical" consumer of the sex industry then I think you're kidding yourself in the extreme.

Moralitym1n1 · 14/03/2019 12:57

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Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 12:59

Well that's life really - have you not ever done things he doesn't like?

I couldn't even finish reading that post because it's so ridiculous.

AnotherEmma · 14/03/2019 13:00

"Was just worried that you will make decisions based on the peer pressure here"

This is patronising nonsense. The OP is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. No one ever ended a relationship just because a random stranger on the internet told them to. People follow the advice that resonates with them.

There is a general consensus than men are capable of resisting peer pressure to get a lap dance (even if they choose not to). So let's give women the same credit; they are capable of resisting "peer pressure" (not that it's real peer pressure when it's just a Mumsnet thread!)

Drogosnextwife · 14/03/2019 13:01

Areyouserious9

Are you the OPs dh?