Probably the wrong place to post. My fiancé admitted that he had a lap dance last month. I’m gutted.

[currantbeings]

I don’t know whether this is the right place to post.

Myself and OH have been together for 8 years. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with DD2.

He went on his friend’s stag do last month, they went to Prague. I’m not naive, I know they weren’t going to look at the architecture and had gotten my head around the fact that they’d be going to strip clubs etc.

I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girlfriend who comes across as jealous and possessive but I told him that I completely and utterly draw the line at private lap dances. Having a naked woman grind herself across his privates with her boobs in his face is crossing a line in my eyes. It tells me that he has the desire to cheat.

It wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition when he got back. I was happy to see him and asked him if he’d had a good time. I got short and snappy one or two word replies. He never really elaborated much.

He was driving last night and a text came through on his phone from the groom. I asked him if he wanted me to read it and he slammed all on and shouted ‘no!’

I caught a glimpse of the messages and one from OH read ‘I was so hard after that dance, I had to find a toilet to relieve myself.’

I was very upset initially. He tried to deny it and then said that his friend had paid for it for him and he felt as though he had to go through with it, oh must’ve been such a chore having a beautiful, slim, young girl bouncing on your boner!! Fully nude too apparently!

I feel so vulnerable, down and depressed about it all. I know in the scheme of things it’s probably not that bad but I made my feelings clear before he went. I’ve been on a lot of hen parties and never had the urge to have some stranger rub himself against me.

I feel like I’ve lost all respect for OH’s friends too. I don’t want to go to their fucking wedding next month and to be honest I want to call our wedding off. That’s how upset I am about it all!

Op you are one strong woman.

And fwiw I think your attitude to the bride is exactly right - you won't lie if asked. Many another person would just tell her. Don't worry about some of the odd, silly posters in here.

I wouldn’t forgive my husband if he did this to me and I wouldn’t want to share a bed with a man I lost all respect for and viewed as s dirty perv.

This too. I'd be gutted at cheating. I'd be even more gutted if he decided to go there while using the sex industry, because that makes me want to vomit.

No way would I stay with a shitscrape who thought that was ok and a turn on - not envy

This is more than a private lap dance though, which was already mutually agreed to be outside of this couple's boundaries. He tried to touch the lap dancer's bits. OUtside of any boundaries of most relationships. Including, clearly those of the lap dancer.

I'm still baffled as why he confessed that, there must be something else to it? People tend not to admit to the worst thing they've done unless there is irrefutable evidence.

I'm so sorry that his actions have caused you so much distress that you have ended up in hospital. Sending you and your bump lots of healing wishes. In your shoes I would tell my mum. Will she be able to help you if you are on bed rest?

man1982

You're looking after your child and your fiancée's child with her previous partner while she goes away on a hen do.
We can't make you pregnant but let's say you've been suffering ill health including erectile dysfunction for a few months and haven't been able to have with her sex 'normally'.

Before you went you said you'd be ok with her going into a male strip show, with nothing personal, bug not more than that.

You later see messages between your fiancée and another hen lasiviously discussing the 'private dances' with make strippers they bought when they had the opportunity at a male strip 'revue'. Your fiancée talked about enjoying her 'dance' so much that it made her sopping wet and she thought she'd have to go into a cubicle in the ladies and masturbate.

When challenged she responded that she could have done a lot worse, she tried to touch his cock but he didn't let her. She also said she'd frustrated because you haven't been servicing her properly at home for a while and no wonder she did what she did.

You also has a bad feeling about her flirting with your mate in the past.

You'd be ok with this and happily continue the relationship, would you? Pull the fkg other one.

That was @man1982

this would be game over for me, I simply could not have sex again with a man who had lost my respect. just couldn't do it.

Misunderstanding as stated above. As for potentially ruining her whole life i think may be an ever so slight over reaction!!

😂 OK then, man.

@Man1982

Why are you posting here if you haven't even read the OP's posts ?? She made it very clear what her boundaries were wrt to EXACTLY this type of thing and he went ahead anyway. Knowing exactly how she felt about it. And the grief it has caused has led to her laid up in hospital trying to keep her pregnancy going.

OP is being incredibly courageous and a wonderful role model to her kids despite the heartbreak she is feeling.

He served her up a shit sandwich and she threw it back in his face. Which is where it belongs.

@Moralitym1n1 I am not to sure at what point i have said i am ok with any of it. Would i happily continue the relationship? No. Would i continue the relationship, yes, i would try and make things work for the good of my children and the love and respect i have had for many years leading up to this event.

I think the OP's OH has been stupid, very stupid. The text and attempted touch (and admission of such) being worse than the act of paying for a dance in the first place. I think he got caught up in the moment of male bravado and been quote immature about the whole thing but IMO i dont think its worth ending things over.

Thats my opinion and you are all entitled to yours.

@HomeTheatreSystem i posted one post without realising i had missed some, which immediately apologised for. I have also said in several posts that he has overstepped the boundary, i am well aware of that. Have you read all the posts? Maybe you missed that bit??

Completely disagree with the majority of the posters here - he has not cheated on you. He just didn't obey your wishes. Well that's life really - have you not ever done things he doesn't like?
Are you really going to throw away your relationship and your children's happy and secure home life because he had a lap dance???

Have you thought through how you will cope being a single mother? The court cases over child custody, the finances, the horrific and often unconsidered repercussions of a split. Do your children deserve that? Do you not consider that doing that may make them think in future years that you were the one in the wrong for throwing away their father over something (in my humble opinion) so minor?

And no I wouldn't care less if my partner had a lap dance on a night out. In fact we have had couples lap dances together before. Harmless fun as long as its a clean and non exploitative establishment where the girls are not being forced into anything.

man1982 The love and respect for many years you speak of is slightly flawed as he was flirting with one of her friends via text.

Have you read all the posts? Maybe you missed that bit??

@msn1982

I do believe you, it's all theoretical for you which is why you're saying you'd (unhappily/stoically - great way to live life) continue the relationship. You talk about years of commitment and happiness but you don't actually know how many years they've been in a relationship of how happy or committed it's been. She had real reservations about his behaviour towards her friend. His behaviour here suggests a cavalier attitude towards honesty, fidelity, respect etc and who knows what's he's done and not been found out about.

If you were my brother of make friend in this situation I'd tell you that she's shown herself to be dishonest, disrespectful, cruel, slutty,band untrustworthy; and that you're now asking around with a cuckold target in your forehead.

*walking around

don't believe you

Good for you areyouserious9 however OP has said for her it is a deal breaker. That's her decision to make and suggesting that she hasn't thought about her children or the future is just downright rude and unhelpful!

If he hadn't paid, it would be cheating. But because he did pay, it's not? I don't get it.

I think he got caught up in the moment of male bravado

Why tf is this ever even seen as an ok excuse to do this to your partner? Toxic masculinity is bullshit and people need to stop making excuses for twats that can't control themselves.

Have you thought through how you will cope being a single mother? The court cases over child custody, the finances, the horrific and often unconsidered repercussions of a split. Do your children deserve that? Do you not consider that doing that may make them think in future years that you were the one in the wrong for throwing away their father over something (in my humble opinion) so minor?

This isn't minor to the OP, nor would it be to a lot of people. Why are you even attempting to put this on her? He didn't give a shit about any of that when he did it. Have you seen her update saying she's in hospital now with contractions? Has he thought of her at all?
There's a different between not obeying her wishes and paying somebody to rub their vagina all over them, trying to touch said vagina, and telling your mates you were so hard you had to go and relieve yourself in the loo. While she's at home pregnant, looking after the kids, and he knows how she would feel about that.
If it wouldn't be ok to do that with a woman you met at the pub, it's not ok to do it with a sex worker.

In fact we have had couples lap dances together before

Says it all really.

@NChangeitup1 No dont worry read that one, the OP used the words "it was very minor" so didnt see it as a big deal!

Also the 'caught up', peer pressure thing: it's bullshit but if you were, then you'd presumably display sone regret, remorse etc. Op's partner hasn't - 'it's been 'i could've done worse' and 'you haven't been seeing me properly because you knocked yourself up' ... He's displaying attitudes towards women, sex and relationships that aren't exactly heartening.

(sexing me up)

The majority of you preach about having an opinion and being entitled to it and its up to the OP, yet because my opinion differs slightly from yours i am rounded on.

When i say differs slightly thats because i agree with alot of whats been said.

Whilst you are all rounding on me for daring to have a slightly different view on things it detracts from the OP.

@Areyouserious9 I completely get that some people would be ok with this.

I am not one of those people and he had it soelt out before he went. He knew it would hurt me, he knew he was disrespecting my wishes in a big way yet he still went and did it. Not only that, he took it a step further and tried to touch her, then had to wank himself off in the toilets.

I’m not going to be a bitch and keep him from seeing his children, he’s done this to me, not to them. I’ll be completely amicable as far as they are concerned. My daughters won’t have to grow up seeing me hurt, upset and disrespected by a man who has no self restraint. That’s the best thing I can do for them.

He’s flirted with my friend which was forgiven but not forgotten, he’s then had a private lap dance and tried to take things further after I explicitly told him not to so do I forgive him and wait and see what else he does??

No, the trust has gone and I can’t live like that.

Hi currantbeings

Didn't mean to come across as harsh to you - I also completely get that some people aren't ok with it. Was just worried that you will make decisions based on the peer pressure here where the normal consensus seems to be leave the bastard irrespective of any thought for the future. And irrespective of the 'crime' etc.
Really really tough on you and you have my deepest sympathies. You sound like a strong woman who is dealing with a hideous situation. And I had forgotten about the friend flirting - well out of order and your friend seemed to handle it brilliantly. Sorry.
My harshness was at the morality/LTB brigade not you xx