Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

Thanks for the kind words - especially when you've all got enough crap to deal with yourselves. A friend came over and held me while I cried some more, so that helped. I think part of the problem is I'm not replenishing myself when I haven't got the kids so I've no more capacity when I do see them.

I'm pondering going to a cocktail bar for booze and music tonight on my own. Is that really sad and weird?!

I did go out thisisalongdrive and I'm glad I did but I'm not sure if I'd repeat the experience as it was rather strange being alone and surrounded by groups of people! It sounds like you've given everything you've got to your marriage, and now it's time to put yourself first for once

Have a good bank holiday Monday everyone

Hi all. long time lurker who is battling with some difficult feelings at the moment.

Have been with DP for 10 year and have on the whole had a very happy relationship. I moved countries to be with him and have since settled and built a life here for myself (as well as with him) with a job and prospects. My DP is a wonderful man. On paper, he is charming, considerate, supportive, funny, and we generally have the same outlook on life. We are great friends.

Here comes the BUT. I just no longer have any romantic feelings towards my DP - like many other posts I've come across, I feel like I'm living with a housemate or a good friend. This has been brewing for 2-3 years and I kept trying to change my feelings towards the relationship, but I just don't feel anything. I no longer see a future with him. I have begun to think about moving back to the UK, but when I imagine it, he is not in the picture. In most of my thoughts about the future, he does not feature.

Our sex life has always been relatively OK - nothing special, but I certainly do not enjoy it anymore and it feels like a chore (and we only do it once a month if that).

I've tried to talk to him about it and my feelings, but he clams up and blames other areas in my life that he thinks are causing me stress. I cannot seem to get through to him. He knows I am not happy and told me the other day he had had a nightmare where I had decided to leave him :(

I have barely been single in my adult life and am very nervous about what might come next, but I do not see myself spending the next 40-50 years with my DP. We don't have any children, and are relatively independent financially (so logistically it would not be a complicated split - except shared belonging etc.) but of course we have a lot of shared friends and my family absolutely love him & he sees them as a big part of his life - I think that is going to be very hard.

I guess I'm posting here to tell you my story - I am actually considering ending the relationship and I know it will destroy him. To see him hurting will be devastating, but I am trying to find the courage to go through with it. I feel treacherous but I know I have to do this to get some happiness back in my life. Or hide under the duvet and spend the next 40-50 years being a chicken

Hi cheddarmonster and I'm sorry you find yourself in this group. Sounds like you know what you need to do, it's just the doing it part which I think we can all relate to. Your dh might be devastated but people do get over things eventually, and it frees both of you up to find something which better meets your needs. It must be hard if extended family are closely involved though. That's one advantage of an estranged family I suppose!

@jamaisjedors how are you? Have things moved along now? You must be getting close to getting your keys?

Well, I'm pleased to finally be able to report that things seem to be settling down. After my outpouring of grief at the weekend (I triggered a migraine it was so extreme!) I feel more balanced and we're all getting used to the routine (3rd week). Picked kids up today and although ds had some big feelings to express - so was launching on any reason to have a tantrum rather than admit this - I was better able to ignore him cope with it and it passed relatively quickly. I'm quite enjoying having my own little routines and no other adult to mess them up! And I've just made unilateral decisions about what to do with my days at half term which felt quite liberating. I'm sure a crash is round the corner again, but I'm enjoying the respite for now.

@Misty9 so so glad you have turned that corner. You are such an inspiration for us and it was painful to see you go through that. I fantasise about the independent routines .....getting to do them part of the week to only have that tidy reality turned upside down when he's home from working away is tough.

@cheddarmonster Extended family is a tricky one and one I've not yet attempted to navigate. Another issue when your partner is not obviously the issue. However from experience, if the relationship is going to make you unhappy for years and years it is no-one else's business but your own, especially when there are not kids in the mix. A loving extended family will want what's best for you

And as for me. Beingacoward giving it one last try. In my heart of hearts I know what I need to do but I need to try one last time. No idea what trying one last time looks like but I'm here now so wish me clarity as luck is not going to help me right now!

Thanks @Misty9, @got2bebrave and @thisisalongdrive

I feel like a traitor. I know what I want to do, but trying to get my head and self sorted before I have the talk. my DP seems to know what might be coming which just makes all this so awful.

I totally hear you @thisisalongdrive - there's a barrier which seems almost impossible to get over at the moment. And there never seems to be a good time :(

Just checking in quickly (before badly needed yoga class!) to say that Misty I'm so glad you are starting to feel a little better with your new normal.

We told the DC this weekend and so have been dealing with that.

Living together after "the announcement" is not easy for them, and they are asking when I'm moving.

I get the keys on Monday, and we have fixed up an official "moving out" date for the 25th May but I will be moving some stuff in before that and getting things sorted.

I'll be back later to chat. x

I’m still here guys! Reading your posts & plodding on in life!

7 weeks and 3 days since I left. So much happier BUT I still need to have the big D chat which I’m dreading!

Sending hugs to you all xx

jamais hope the kids are taking it ok. Not long until the 25th - is H behaving himself more now?

moffa I'm glad it's all working out for you and you sound so much happier now.

As I predicted the high of Wednesday didn't last long, but it is slowly getting easier. I ended up dropping the kids yesterday afternoon for various reasons but dd wanted me to put her to bed so I had to hang around. It was all perfectly civil between me and H but I find it really bloody hard to be in the family home as it just feels so wrong.

I've been reflecting on the situation and I think what makes it harder is I don't have enough time to get used to either situation - living alone or having the kids. I think I find the changeover days harder than the kids in some ways! And it feels physically painful to leave the kids, knowing I won't see them until weds and not knowing all the details I used to know about their daily lives, iyswim? I can and do see them in between as I work from the office at the family home sometimes, but it's not the same. And seeing their sadness kills me too

Anyway, I need to make the most of this time to self care so I can be there for them when they need me. Ideas on a postcard

Happy weekend everyone

@thisisalongdrive

@thisisalongdrive Well done. The hardest bit is done. Remember as time goes on you may find yourself feeling guilty. I talked to my therapist about this, about how I felt sad that he was alone etc. She reminded me I am not responsible for his happiness & well being. And that I need to focus on my own and that of my DC.

Hello everyone, so sad to read all of these stories. But good to know it does get better. My h moved out two weeks ago after I told him I couldn’t go on. It was incredibly hard but I knew it was right. For me it was a long time coming. But even though I wanted this I’m still feeling sad, hurt and just lost. Why when I can’t live with him? We’ve been together 4 years. Am I just used to someone being here?

It's a difficult desicion but I think the right one and the best one in current situation. I support you and believe everything is gonna be ok!

@thisisalongdrive - that sounds awful, and exactly the reaction I am fearful of from my DP. I know what decision I have to make, but I feel too scared as I know he is much more invested in this than I am. I have spoken to friends about my feelings and their reaction has made me more unhappy. Along the lines of - "Oh, but DP is so nice" or "you seem so well suited" or "it's selfish to just give up on the relationship".

To see my DP broken, upset and confused makes me want to just bury my head in the sand, ignore my feelings and spend the rest of my life at his side and live with my doubt and unhappiness.

Hello, I was wondering whether I may join this thread please? I have been reading along and feel that I could have written word for word what many of you have said. I have a 8 year old son with ASD, whom I love so very much and really want to support him and model a happy fulfilled life and encourage him and equip him with all the tools to do the same. His father is a “good” man; no abuse, attentive enough father, no affairs; just emotionally unavailable, zero intimacy and whenever I approach him with an issue he tries to “fix” me. I have been to countless therapy sessions and really feel that all the problems do not lie with me, although I am more than willing to shoulder responsibility for a relationship not working.

I supported him through a job loss and severe depression last year and am aware that he is fragile. I just feel that there is nothing of me left - I am a shadow of my former self and crave fun, laughter, intimacy, self confidence....

By staying I am crumbling but feel scared of what will happen if I leave. I have good reason to believe that DP has ASD himself but won’t accept it in his son, let alone himself. I love and care for him and don’t want to cause pain but am losing myself and all happiness in the process.

I also worry that if I, who is really motivated and caring, can’t make a go of a relationship with his Dad, what chance does my lovely son have?

Feeling the right thing for me is to leave, but don’t want to in any way limit or damage my son.

You ladies are so brave and honest and thank you for writing your experiences.