Leaving dh - anyone else in this boat and want to support each other?

[Misty9]

I'm splitting up with my husband of 8 years, we've got 2 dc under 8. It's all very amicable and we will co parent moving forwards, but I thought it might be nice to share the journey with anyone doing similar?

I'm feeling so odd at the moment as I keep looking around the house and seeing things which will be gone/change (we're selling it eventually). I feel like I'm in a chaotic place - which I could stop, but it wouldn't be the right decision. If that makes any sense?!

Dh is autistic and his main reaction is annoyance that he has failed at something as he likes to be good at everything!

Anyone want to give each other virtual support?

Hi everyone. I have been lingering for a bit here. I am in a similar situation to some of you. I have fallen out of love with myself husband. He is a good man, a great father but it’s all me. I just don’t love him like I used to and feel we have taken separate journeys in life. Intents - I think we are in a very similar situation. I feel that my H is going to approach me again about this very soon as he is very moody with me. Swings from being over the top and trying to kiss and cuddle me to not talking to me. I have three beautiful children and a mum dependent on us in our annexe. I am totally trapped and sad everyday but can’t tell anybody. X

ludalell that sounds really tough and, to answer your question, I too went a bit crazy in the period we were still living together as it just felt so weird and like being in limbo. We were also avoiding each other so evenings were excruciating. What's taking your H time to move out? Can he not find anywhere - or is he not really looking?

lbmum I commented on your thread (actually maybe I gave you a link to this one?) and it sounds like you're in a really.tough situation as well at some stage you have to put your own happiness and needs first. It's hard but surely it's better than living in terminal unhappiness?

That said, I won't say this is easy. I've got the kids from tonight until Sat now and I think I'd forgotten just how much attention they constantly need! Bedtime was a lot less traumatic thankfully but I can see how unsettled by it all they are and I do feel guilty

Rollercoaster doesn't do this journey justice! I'm taking it a day at a time.

@Misty thank you, and thank you for giving me the link to this post too. I had ‘the talk’ with him last night. He came in with flowers for me from work and i burst into tears so he asked me why. I told him that I was worried because he had been angry that morning over something unknown and how I am living on the edge with his mood swings. He said it’s the lack of intimacy that’s killing him. I said I was thinking I may not be in love with him anymore and he asked if we can try. I am trying so hard and have been for a while but I don’t know what else to do to make this work from my side. It’s all so awful because it’s 100% me, he still is very much in love with me. Makes me feel so guilty. I mentioned separating and told him I hadn’t been looking into it.

@lbmum sounds like we are in similar situations. I saw a therapist this week which really helped put things into perspective as I felt it was all me and my fault. falling out of love being my responsibility but I was told often there is a reason for that. And being unfulfilled and feeling undesired and second to his other interests has been part of my journey.

I was told there are 4 options with relationships... either you like it which quite clearly most of us don't, you lump it ie live in unhappiness which I know I can't do having been so unhappy for so long or you change it through counselling and working in the relationship or you leave. The last two are my only options and I don't have faith that #3 will have any impact as, like you I feel I've been trying for a long time.

So I'm waiting for the right time to discuss it again as H knows I am where I am but thinks it's me, hormones, etc ...anything other than him.

Because it's not an abusive relationship (I know what that's like) and he is an amazing dad I feel very guilty at the prospect but I don't think it not being an abusive is enough of a reason to stay in it.

If you are not fulfilled and H has some part in that it is not entirely our fault.

So that's where I am. Not sure if it's any help at all? Still tough but my head is a little clearer and I think I am moving towards what is inevitable for me though that is the most terrifying thought right now.

I'm just so glad @Misty9 found me and directed me to you all so we can support each other.

@got2bebrave I really like the way your counsellor laid out the options for you so clearly. Everything you put makes sense. It’s just the emotions that are so hard to manage.

At the moment I’m veering between guilt (at H being alone in our house), sadness (at all that is lost), relief (that I’ve made the change & feel better for it) and frustration (as H doesn’t seem to be accepting in and keeps asking me what I want done in the garden etc as though I’m going back).

I have been monumentally unhappy in my marriage. I don’t know if I could say I’ve been unfulfilled as I have my gorgeous DC but the relationship between H and I has been unfulfilling for years so i understand.

How’s everyone doing this weekend? X

I’m veering between guilt (at H being alone in our house), sadness (at all that is lost), relief (that I’ve made the change & feel better for it) and frustration (as H doesn’t seem to be accepting in and keeps asking me what I want done in the garden etc as though I’m going back)

This totally resonates with me - after we had a conversation last week about separating, H was asking me where I wanted to put up a washing line in the garden!

I saw my lawyer again on Tuesday - now I need to tell H to get his own one and try to make him understand that this is it, there is no more "working on the relationship" (which he has basically refused to do anyway) and that we are moving on to the next stage.

Not looking forward to this weekend and would love to be back at work!

How is everyone else? Misty are things settling down or is it still too early?

@Moffa yes I should have said the relationship was unfulfilling. Like you I have had huge fulfilment raising dd.

@jamaisjedors I am so with you on the wishing I was at work this weekend but I've done some many extra hours recently they won't let me do more
I have organised a daily coffee with different friends each day and I think I'm also going to start sifting through drawers of crap etc and chuck stuff out so that if the inevitable does happen I'm not doing all that with my head gone.

It must be so hard for you both with H not properly acknowledging what is going on.

I hope everyone gets through the weekend ok x

Morning all. It's been a tough week and it was dd's party yesterday so that was pretty tiring to finish it off. H was there obviously and it was weird seeing him and being a parental couple; it was just like it's always been - not really any hostility but not anything else either - which I find a bit of a head fuck and it's gets me questioning why we're doing this. But I can't live with nothingness and I've got to give this a chance. It's my half of the week alone now and to be honest I need the break! I can feel I'm taking on too much with work etc and am heading for a crash... I can't quite work out how to care for myself though; I'm better at caring for others! I'm thinking a bath then make myself pancakes? And maybe a walk later? Is that self care?

Hope everyone's Sundays aren't too wet and miserable. Apologies for not name checking others - I don't have the headspace to hold it all at the moment

Yes @Misty9 that's self care. Just focus on you and do small easy things.

We had a lovely meal with our girls before school starts (boarding) but he then slopes back to the spare room. I just want to change things back to where we were 2 months ago... so hard. Got to pack car to do the school run... procrastinating on Mumsnet!

Morning all. How is everyone doing? I wish I could say I'm on the up...but I'm finding it really hard still and painful - I collected more of the kids stuff yesterday which highlighted just how far things are from what I'd hoped for self care isn't going too great either: my pancakes were inedible and it's too depressing to cook for one. On the positive side, I've discovered a good box set!

Work today, so that should help distract me at least. for all

Hi Misty9, remember this is one of the hardest part.

Change is always tough and you have had to bear the brunt of the change.

It's so hard to focus on the self-care isn't it? I keep meaning to do yoga in the evenings to relax but end up vegging on the sofa.

This morning I managed a couple of sun salutations - my will-power is higher in the mornings.

Have you got friends that you can make dates with to do "self care" things - even just a walk in the woods or something?

I slept reasonably well (on the sofa) last night and was pleased with myself for doing 5 minutes of yoga but then a song on the radio set me off crying in the car.

Work will help with that I guess.

Oh Misty it is early days yet.

I keep swinging from thinking we can totally work this out to feeling trapped again. Yesterday I was really grumpy with him for no other reason than I was tired and finding him overbearing again.

How’s everyone doing?

Today I’m feeling that this is 100% the right decision for me and I need to remember this feeling during the doubts and sad/lonely moments.

He saw a friend on Tuesday and was obviously told he should buy me flowers. Yesterday I was presented with a bunch of chrysanthemums from the garage. It would be funny if it wasn’t so tragic. He just doesn’t understand how to be thoughtful.

And he keeps calling me darling in texts etc. It’s really grating.

Hi all. So far so shit here I'm afraid and I'm sure you're all fed up with hearing it - I'm fed up with feeling it. Going back to bed after school run. Being a shit mum and shouting at the kids loads.

We are not fed up hearing about it all, please do rant away!

What are you finding hardest?

It's being in a crappy rented house when the family home is a beautiful home. The kids have said they prefer the family home - and so do I! I chose to move out but I didn't predict feeling so dislocated. My eldest resorts to verbal insults very quickly and I'm finding it hard to hear at the moment. All the books say if you're okay they're ok. But I'm not okay

I'm going for low effort parenting this evening and they're watching a film and eating crap when they'd normally be in bed by now . I keep planning to be calm and patient- and it keeps going to shit. I'm so irritable and grumpy.

Please be kind to yourself - easier said than done.

Re the house, I have that fear too, our house is beautiful and we invested a lot of time decorating and renovating it.

My friend who visited the house with has suggested we work with another friend to make it cosy because she is worried about me rattling around in there.

With that in mind I have bought some second hand fairy lights and am planning on a new bed for me and lots of lamps and blankets.

Can you enlist sole friends to brainstorm ways to make it homey for you?

I think friends often want to help hut doubt know what to do - this could be a fun thing to do together or go scouring charity shops with the DC to put some cheap and cheerful things in ?

Thanks jamaisjedors - I'm struggling to think of ways to improve the house but will enlist my friends help.

An up and down day - which is an improvement on a down day at least. Attempted a low stress day with the kids doing cinema, library and playing. Some low points with ds (but that's not unusual) but rounded off the day with dancing with the kids which was nice. I'm having to accept that they don't need as early a bedtime so that's helping as they're more tired. I feel a bit empty and cried out, and can't really manage conversations or anything. Or writing mn posts it appears!

Hope everyone else is enjoying the long weekend

Hi Misty,

I’m sure you’re doing brilliantly. It’s such a huge loss - just like a bereavement and the process is the same.

I can see it is shitty having to rent. I’m with my parents (and frankly enjoying and appreciating the help with the DC and the adult company!). Friends keep asking if I’m looking to rent & right now I’m not. I think I’ll stay here a while.

We are progressing with an ASD diagnosis. Found a local place where the multifaceted testing works out about £1k all in so a lot cheaper than the Lorna Wing.

I’m done & dusted with my marriage (and sad & bruised) but I think a diagnosis might help him understand the dynamics of his other relationships- like with the DC, within the workplace (where he is the boss etc).

Hope everyone following and lurking is ok & having a good weekend xx

@thisisalongdrive I’ll reply properly later but just wanted to send a hug & say we are all here to listen x

thisisalongdrive handhold here if it helps

Handover this morning and a difficult morning with ds. He could barely contain his joy at being home in his bedroom (the family home) which was very painful to see. I feel so inferior in comparison. Ds is very toy orientated so it was always going to be tricky in that respect. Dd is less obvious but would understandably rather have one home.

I can't stop crying and just feel everything would be better off without me. I'm not going to do anything silly but this feeling is intolerable

@Misty9 just wanted to offer my support too, you are doing the right thing and you will have a better future once things settle down. You are an inspiration to those of us on here who still haven't made the break.

After looking at our finances I think I will be in a similar situation and renting somewhere far from ideal, but I actually feel like I want a whole lifestyle change and I need a change of scenery, does anyone else feel like that? My husband and I have spent so many nights together drinking too much wine, brushing everything under the carpet and I just know there must be more to life.