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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

943 replies

awesmum · 12/03/2019 19:00

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

OP posts:
longtimelurkerhelen · 14/03/2019 22:43

I have read the full threads. YOU ARE AMAZING. I felt sick to my stomach for you and your family. Thank god you have her now. Please keep staying strong and hopefully he will not have any contact in the future.

Greystar · 14/03/2019 22:51

You are incredibly brave, I've been lurking and I was so relieved once you got him out, I hope that courts etc see him for what he is, I will keep hoping, I feel frustrated for you, god knows how you must feelBrewCakeThanks

Mrsmummy90 · 14/03/2019 23:07

You are a wonderful mother!

I know it's unlikely but could nursery refuse to hand her over to him?

Daftapath · 14/03/2019 23:12

I am so very happy for you all that your dd is home and safe with you now.

I also agree with PPs that he probably got tired of looking after her and it was his way of getting her back without seeming to give in. Well, I hope so anyway 🤞🏻

Has he attempted any contact with you at all since you collected her? Did he turn up to nursery to collect her do you know?

CheshireChat · 14/03/2019 23:20

She's very much a doll to him and toys don't get skin conditions, do they.

Hopefully he'll start losing interest when she's older and less doll like and more wilful with her own personality.

DishingOutDone · 14/03/2019 23:48

awesmum from what you have described it sounds like she has been affected by him keeping her, sounds like she was asking for you and he was saying no? Did you see posters earlier suggesting you take her to the GP to get this all documented? Sounds like a good idea.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 14/03/2019 23:48

What almondfinger says x 10. I'd fight him having any access whatsoever. He's far too unstable to have any child unsupervised

notapizzaeater · 15/03/2019 00:06

So pleased she's home away from tha5 lunatic.!

BeUpStanding · 15/03/2019 01:53

So very very pleased she's home with you!
Lots of love Flowers

CanuckBC · 15/03/2019 04:36

So happy to hear she is home!!

Original poster
awesmum · 15/03/2019 06:27

A lot better sleep last night.
For those asking my plan is to see my GP and health visitor. Social and police aren't going to do anything. So am going to work my way through everyone in the system until they all see. Because I know that they have their rules and regulations of how to do things, but you have to put those to one side and actually look at the person. If you look at the person and see she's just a little girl who needs protection more than his rights and more than mine.

OP posts:
Thewheelsarefallingoff · 15/03/2019 06:48

I echo everyone else, op. You are a great mum and I hope that the authorities will step in to help you out ASAP. Flowers

RandomMess · 15/03/2019 06:52

Wishing you strength and calm to get through today and all the ones that come afterwards ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

Belleende · 15/03/2019 06:57

YOU ARE AWESOME. Just read the lot. I can't imagine having my littke girls taken away and not knowing when they will be back. I wonder would SS speak to the nursery? They can give an impartial view of how his behaviour is impacting your daughter.

What does your lawyer say? Is there a route to getting a prohibited steps order that stops him from picking her up from nursery?
Your boss sounds like a good egg, maybe keep him in the loop a bit, so if you need to you can leave at short notice with not too many questions. If I had this situation in my team I would be sticking you in an Uber at the first sign of trouble.

I agree with other posters, as soon as your daughter becomes more assertive and not happy to be displayed like a toy doll your ex may lose interest, but I would worry that might want to 'punish' her in some way.

Keep doing everything you are doing. I don't think anyone can tell you one day it will stop, men like him don't stop, unless they find another target (maybe sign him up to tinder) But, you are doing everything you can, and your children will see that.

endofthelinefinally · 15/03/2019 07:10

Do tell the GP and HV that SS and police have declined to get involved.

Hepzibar · 15/03/2019 07:25

Belleende has just posted what I came onto say. The Nursery can report this the Children's Social Care/Early Help. These services must consider the Voice of the child, and understand what is life like for that child. They can report how she presents with him and how intimidating he is. It's Emotional abuse, depriving her of her family.

A referral from a service (3rd party) will add further weight to your case

Blondebakingmumma · 15/03/2019 07:57

It blows my mind that you are STILL dealing with this!
You are so incredibly strong and should be very proud of yourself for getting this far. I’ve not heard of a more vile man.
Do you think going through divorce proceedings earlier than later will help put this all behind you?
Hang in there, you are doing great xx

Blondebakingmumma · 15/03/2019 08:00

I also think that I’d be concerned about his behaviour towards your Dd. Sitting in a small room with her for hours, carrying her while he urinates, her lack of hygiene when she returns from him. I’d be concerned about her mental health

TougheningUp · 15/03/2019 08:56

Sitting in a small room with her for hours, carrying her while he urinates, her lack of hygiene when she returns from him. I’d be concerned about her mental health

Me too, but the OP has already spoken with SS and the police and they've said there's nothing they can do as he's the child's father and isn't doing anything illegal. It's a disgrace.

Footle · 15/03/2019 09:08

This is unbearable to read, let alone to live through.

toddle · 15/03/2019 09:55

Have been a lurker since your thread started. Haven't felt like I had anything to add previously but I am so glad she is home. You are amazing.

Mumek · 15/03/2019 10:35

Another de-lurker who thinks you are amazing - so pleased that you have her home. Sending you hugs and strength.xx

34steps · 15/03/2019 13:20

another de-lurker, just wanted to say you seem incredibly strong and level-headed (you are certainly managing to be so, in the face of such a mad shitstorm), so glad you have got her back and best wishes for the future. Sending you more hugs from here!

colbyandmontysmum · 15/03/2019 16:09

I'm another delurker coming on to say I'm so happy your little DD is back with you. I hope you are able to get the authorities on your side - this is just crazy. Has there been any talk of his mental health being assessed because his actions are not normal. I wish you and your family peace and the best of luck!

AcrossthePond55 · 15/03/2019 16:21

Too bad that some 'anonymous employee' doesn't complain about him having DD at work all day, confined to an office. But maybe there's nothing that SS or Health & Safety would find out of order about this.

I find it so odd that a business would allow an employee to have their very young child with them all day, every day, even in a private office. It would seem to me that it would be disruptive to the employee getting their work done, disruptive to their staff needing time/meetings with the employee, and a health and safety concern. But I suppose if an employee is extremely valuable and would be hard to replace, the firm may look on it as worth it to keep them.

But TBH, I worked in Civil Service and the rules were pretty hard and fast, and no way would this be tolerated. We could squeak by with our older DC (say 11 and up) sitting in the break room silently doing homework for a half hour before we closed, but even that was expected to be rare and unavoidable (like before/after a Dr appt or a lack of after school childcare emergency).

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