@Moffa it really doesn't sound crazy at all. It sound exactly what it is. I didn't realise what I was going through either, it was our marriage councillor who pointed out just one small thing of how wrong he was to pick me up on how 'fat' I looked when I stood in a certain way, I truly thought he said these things because he loved me and wanted to make me 'better', that I trod too heavily when I walked, that I breathed too loudly (I even went to the Dr about this and had tests done). These were the 'kind' things he said to me. Looking back now I think what the f**k? But at the time you are so down trodden, so tried, so alone, so empty, trying to keep it together, trying so hard to 'better' yourself because you maybe been made to believe it is you.
It's not you. It's him.
I am so glad you have been writing stuff down that's brilliant. When I was still with my ex I bought a book just to write down all the things I did wrong I called it my betterment book. I wrote down all the wrong things I did with tactics of how to make me s better person because quite frankly he deserved better than what I was doing, being and giving.
I still have this book, this absurd little book of abuse, that I can see the horrific daily torture this man who was meant to love me inflicted on me on a daily, hourly basis. But I use this book now, now my mind is getting clearer, getting better, and stronger, and I add to it. Because each and every day I am away from him I am reminded in some small way how truly wonderful my life is without him. I still have to see him yes, I may not get my full wishes with regards to child arrangements nor financial settlement, but what I do have is a sense of self and peace.
Yesterday my moment of gratitude of being away from him was talking to a work colleague about back to school shopping and how I nearly lost my temper over something so ridiculous, I was told 'you know you're allowed to loose your temper' it was an innocuous and off the cuff not thought about remark by someone's hi thought no more about what I had said after I walked off, but it resonated with me.
I am allowed emotions. I am allowed to be cross, happy, sad, angry, irritated, annoyed, overwhelmed, silly, rude, and so on. This is 11 months down the line.
Please go to Women's Aid, call them, leave them a message they will come back to you. Start a thread, it doesn't matter where you start, copy and paste your first paragraph to me. These wonderful people on here have been incredible.
As for Crisis, they are using my story as a platform to change the current laws that allow coercive relationships and domestic violence relationship to keep people in the home suffering the same abuse, not giving them an opportunity to flee / escape or get refuge. I wasn't suitable for a refuge as my older children would not have been accepted, and I couldn't leave them behind. I had no financial stability or access of my own as he held and still does everything. I was beaten down and at my lowest. All things so many people in this circumstance are. To change the law so you can go to Women's Aid and they can liaise with the council to get people immediate and sustained help to get away.
Crisis will be using my story on their website and try to get it into the national press as a case study to push the new bill through parliament to get those in need the desperate help they need and deserve.
If you want to send me a private message I will respond.