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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

943 replies

awesmum · 12/03/2019 19:00

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 13/03/2019 22:35

You are amazing. I see how hard you are working to solve this problem for the short and long term.

Perfectlyimperfectineveryway · 13/03/2019 22:50

Following this thread just want to say your amazing. Your totally amazing and he is a utter wanker bastard piece of shit who I would love to spend 5 mins with in a dark room with a baseball bat x

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/03/2019 23:05

@awesmum Thinking of you and your children...hoping for some good news tomorrow. KOKO Flowers

purpleboy · 13/03/2019 23:29

I too think your amazing, and I'm following this thread in hope that your next post will tell us you have her back home. X

Original poster
awesmum · 14/03/2019 04:20

My god I can't bare this I miss her so much! I can't sleep for worry as when do I dream. It's relentless.
How can he do this to her! She use be going crazy poor thing. We still co-sleep because he insisted on his own room whilst living here.

OP posts:
Ncforever12345 · 14/03/2019 04:51

I hope you get her back really soon, she probably won't let you out of her sight after this.
I hope you can get a few hours rest.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 14/03/2019 06:22

Awesmum I haven't posted before but have kept up with your threads. I'm so sorry that you're going through this horrific time. Just a few thoughts from me:

  • is the nursery completing Log on Concern forms with each no show of your dd? Given the backstory, they should be, and this paper trail needs to start as evidence. I work in a preschool, this is what I would be doing.
  • are social services aware at the moment? This isn't my area of expertise but it seems at the very least they need a 'heads up'. The nursery completing their Log of Concerns will strengthen this.
  • I personally wouldn't agree to what your solicitor is suggesting. I believe you'll get your dd back and in the meantime I wouldn't concede what your ex wants for short term gain because who knows how this might get twisted. I know that's very easy for me to say when it's not my child who's away from me though.

Sending all possible good wishes your way Thanks

PrayingandHoping · 14/03/2019 08:05

Would SS not be interested in the fact that she has a diagnosed with a medicated skin conditions and by his actions she is not getting treatment. Would that not class as neglect?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/03/2019 08:21

I’m sure you have already but have you spoken to your social worker and put her in the picture about what’s he’s done. As someone else said up thread, I’d definitely mention her untreated skin condition, him keeping her from nursery, taking her into work etc.

In all my years of working with SS I’ve found that they all have degree’s in ‘arse covering’ they need to ensure, and will do everything in their power to avoid being blamed for any child neglect/suffering etc. So flag ALL concerns to them. Untreated skin condition, keeping off nursery, unsafe working conditions. Write it down, they will then HAVE to do something about it, because, heaven forbid, something did happen to her, and the press found out, they could have acted and didn’t, they will shit themselves. Mention ‘safe guarding, child at risk’ it’s all words they are used to.

It’s why I said earlier that OP has to be whiter than white. Do everything by the book but don’t be afraid to bring out the big guns and use their own words back at them.

As for him, he should be strung up. Nothing he has done has been for your DD, it’s all what he wants. I don’t say this often, but
He’s an utter cunt

MotherOfDragonite · 14/03/2019 10:33

Do it today, talk to SS today so they can go and see him while he has her at work! And keeps her off nursery and away from her mum to do it!

I'm so sorry, you must be frantic with worry and missing her. You're such a lovely mum.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/03/2019 10:49

If he hasn't offered any contact or a phone call could you request this through your solicitor?

AcrossthePond55 · 14/03/2019 12:19

Just sending you strength and endurance.

All I can say now is to follow your solicitor's advice, get support where you can, but seek a second opinion if you feel the solicitors aren't pursuing this as strongly as you'd like.

RandomMess · 14/03/2019 12:26

I would definitely push for a welfare check, not at nursery, no medication with her!!!

BeUpStanding · 14/03/2019 13:02

Another one here sending you strength and fortitude. Other posters seem to have good advice about asking for welfare checks and involving SS. You must be frantic with worry - we're all here with you Flowers

Peridot1 · 14/03/2019 13:05

I have been following your threads but never posted. Just saw this update. He is unhinged surely?

I think you are doing the right thing by going by the book. And I really hope you get her back quickly.

Original poster
awesmum · 14/03/2019 16:09

Hey everybody!

I got a phone call from nursery, they rang to say he dropped her off! I literally dropped and ran, got stuck behind a learner on the way (sorry for my awful lack of patience) and over took wildly! She's absolutely fine, tired, grubby, unkempt. She was so happy to see me and had been telling nursery how I was going to pick her up. She threw her arms up and screamed 'We're home!' When we got to our road. She's run around the house, checking that everything is still there and the same. He biggest sister burst into tears seeing her and she's been thoroughly squashed. She won't leave me alone, even when I said I was going to the loo she said 'I am coming too!' We resolved to her playing in her room for a minute with the doors open.

So all absolutely wonderful, however how terrified am I going to be dropping her off at nursery? Whether she'll be there or not when I go to pick her up. But I am not going to not take her. I am going to do the right thing, and internally panic till the courts can shut him down.

Just to clear up I don't have a social worker, they are reluctant to get involved as they think it just an access argument.

For now we're settled at home. She was starving hungry. Her skin is flaring up again. I am picking the other 2 up later from clubs, and keeping her a surprise.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 14/03/2019 16:13

I'm so so glad you have your DD home safe.

I hope you took photo's of the state of her before you cleaned her up.

Can you ask the nursery to write up a report about how she was delivered to nursery this morning, as they are a impartial witness.

purpleboy · 14/03/2019 16:15

I'm actually in tears op, this is the best news. So glad you have her home and you can look after her properly xxxx

MsPavlichenko · 14/03/2019 16:17

Wonderful. It may be she will be reluctant to go to nursery given what happened, so might be wise to prepare for that.

Re SW, it has clearly gone beyond an access issue, she has not been properly looked after, over and above him kidnapping her.

WhoKnewBeefStew 's advice seems worth considering, even if you are just logging it. Your other DC are also being impacted by his behaviour.

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/03/2019 16:22

This is wonderful news! Truly! NOW STOP CONTACT. You are absolutely within your rights to do that, I have been advised of that by the police and social services. I think you return to SS ASAP and be very firm about intervention. What he has done is nothing short of neglect, emotional abuse and coercive control. Take photos, write it all down. Get an emergency court application which can be done within a day. Please do not allow her to go back to him. Can you arrange for an earlier nursery collection to avoid him getting there first? While the nursery cannot prevent him attempting to collect her without a court order, when I was in this postion, the school said they would stall and ring me if any attempt was made. This is now an urgent situation and your solicitor MUST act speedily and please don't be fobbed off.

Enjoy a lovely, quiet evening with your brood..have nice food and a glass of wine if you like a glass of wine of course! I am so glad you're all back under the same roof and I'm doing a happy dance for you! Flowers

WitchDancer · 14/03/2019 16:25

Fantastic news! Poor baby 😔

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/03/2019 16:27

Oh and as for that prick, I hope he gets what's coming...what an evil bastard doing that to a two year old child. It's a pity he can't put her needs, both physical and emotional above the needs of his little girl. To men like him (and my ex), the children are just collateral damage in their need to hurt and control you.

Disfordarkchocolate · 14/03/2019 16:34

Wonderful news. I really hope you took pictures, if not I think the nursery staff would be happy to note what was different about her appearance, hygiene and any visible skin issues.

pointythings · 14/03/2019 16:36

So glad to hear she's back - but as MrsC says - no more contact! Your solicitor needs a boot up the arse and social services need to be contacted - this isn't a fight about access any more.

You need a residency order in place asap.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/03/2019 16:48

Truely brilliant news OP Flowers

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