Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

[awesmum]

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

@AcrossthePond55 isn't it his own business?

OP you are awesomely strong, all your DC are lucky to have you. So glad she's back home and feeling okay.

I hope your solicitor pulls their finger out and puts something in place to prevent this utter arsehole from harming his daughter further.

BTW I read this
We've had 400 rounds of rock-a-baby she only normally wants this when tired or poorly, I do wonder when my kids realise I have actually changed the words - I hated the last line and changed it to 'and mummy will catch you cradle and all'.
And realised that I'd never really thought what an unsettling song it is! "Go to sleep little one, imagine you're swinging in a tree... now imagine YOU'RE FALLING TO THE GROUND AND GOING TO DIE"
What a lovely bedtime message!

Oh! I must not have picked up on that Daftapath! Another 'Senior Moment' for me then!

So, what happens next? Hope you are enjoying the relief of having her home in the meantime, anyway! You are handling it with real grace.

💕

Hi
We have had a nice filled day, her body clock is way out of sync and she's trying to nap at 5pm. She's my little shadow, and doing really well. We've had a few panics, when I hour the car to put fuel in, I was right next to her and she was in tears.
I am feeling absolutely drained by the whole thing, and am very much looking forward to a lazy morning in pjs with the kids tomorrow, then a catch up with friends in the afternoon and a quiet evening. I think this weekend we are going to do our level best to forget about the last week, him, his rubbish and have a drama free few days. 'He' absolutely thrives on drama and I can't bare it. Monday to gp's and health visitor, gather more support for our case.

I was speaking to my mum I the phone earlier she was asking how DD was, and DD was saying shhh shhh. After I got off the phone she said 'I was good I was quiet when you on phone.' Which goes to show when she's at work with him she's being told to be quiet, which isn't an unreasonable thing, I however know how often you're on the phone in that office- a lot.

Also both my eldest DD and I are prolific hair fiddlers when tired, or in need of comfort, it used to drive him mad, he has no problem in telling us off for it, quite forcefully and bluntly as he can't abide people fiddling or fidgeting, it drives him wild. DD3 since being a baby has an obsession with my hair, she has to hold and stroke it to get to sleep, it drove him mad, he complained about it constantly. Shes now come back after this nearly week at his stroking and fiddling with her own hair, that's going to be a huge issue to him.

So happy that you still have her! Did she go to nursery today? Xx

@Mrsmummy90 yes she did, she loves nursery. Also I want her to have her routine back, she's unaware of what's happening, she feels out out of sorts as she's missed her activities with me at the beginning of the week so wanted to give her 'normal'.
I spoke to my solicitor, she spoke to his ironically about an hour before he dropped her off at nursery - suffice to say he got an earful from his. He was told all access would stop including any supervised until end of June, that his behaviour will be bought up in court and I assume his solicitor told him the full ramifications of his actions.

As I say in to the next step of action. In the meantime plenary of fun for the kids, a bit of normalcy and routine, a bit of almost boring would be ideal, allow our brains, emotions and bodies to rest. I actually managed to sleep until just before 6am and feel somewhat better. Will be waking the littlest up at 7.30 to get her back into her routine.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and fingers crossed ours is peaceful

From your description of how your dd father treats her I think you should try to fight for more than 50/50 custody. That’s IF you have any fight left in you x

I am definitely not going to accept 50/50 for the simple fact that if I take out everything about his appalling behaviour and actions, I work part time to allow me to take the children to activities/ friends/ the park etc, I am very fortunate I am able to do this I know. He on the other hand during the week takes her to work to sit in a dirty office, with no freedoms to even be able to wander out of one room, even to the loo, there are heavy fire doors and the loos etc are disgusting.

He's obviously not playing with her, he's working she just happens to be in the same room as him. He doesn't have a bed time routine, she was saying to me last night she wants to sleep on the sofa like a dad's house when we getting ready for our bedtime story. He doesn't cook meals, he doesn't do what he thinks she would like, it's what he wants to do with her if that makes sense.

I never wanted to stop him from seeing her, but it should be appropriate for her not him and he's missing that.
Don't get me wrong I am not suggesting I am a perfect parent- far from it I have made some doozies of mistakes - one huge one allowing this tosser into my kids lives, another one - another, letting him stay in it as long as I did. But 18+ years ago I made a promise that my kids come before everything and everyone, I have made mistakes but I will continue putting them first, he doesn't do that. He didn't even want her, he even took me to get rid of her when I was pregnant, despite knowing my feelings about being pregnant. He only agreed to go ahead with the pregnancy if I promised nothing would change in our lives having her, hence me being at work in labour and going back into the office working when she was 4 days old (I had an extended stay in hospital after birth due to high blood pressure) or it may have been earlier. I have done everything and now he's claim that he's her primary carer it's laughable.

Do you think he will try and collect her from nursery when she's there?

It is a massive fear of mine, especially after last Friday he's clearly very duplicitous. But I can't allow that to prevent me from taking her, it turns her into a hostage and restricts her from doing something she loves. A huge argument we ( he and I) had was about doing the right thing and being the better person, he has always resorted to aggression and dominating tactics where I have always been of the opinion of doing the right thing and making compromises, he's currently bullying but will loose because of it, if he picks her up again without informing me he is showing the courts he's unreasonable, untrustworthy and a danger to her. So he would be incredibly stupid if he did. I am not suggesting he isn't that stupid.

The alternative is I play into his hands stop her going and when we go to court he says I didn't want her going, she hasn't been going so there's nothing to stop him stopping her going.

Or I can present evidence how much she loves it and how good it is for her rather than sitting quietly in an office for 10 hours a day.

Good plan to get dd back into a routine in a calm environment. She must be loving being back home with you and her sisters

I know in difficult situations like this then schools will "detain" via an impromptu "chat" the parent and child whilst they have rang the other parent so they can get there.

So nursery could say "manager wants to speak to ex about DD whilst you're here" then manager waffles on about "development" issues or DD needing to be in nursery more or that they are doing some essential activity later that day or tomorrow that DD "must" attend or some such. Meanwhile you have been phoned and can get there to pick up DD.

They can't prevent him but they can make it difficult

You are quite right.

It almost hurts to read, I feel scared on her/your behalf that he will pick her up... but you are quite right. Your logic is completely spot on and in her best interests in the long run.

What did I just read! He had you working while in labour and back to work 4 days later . Wtaf! What kind of animal does that to his wife and mother of his child?
I'm happy that she's back to you. Wish I was a fly on the wall when his solicitor gave him the cold hard facts and some home truths.
Have a lovely weekend

Thank god she has you! You are a wonderful mother.

Well done surviving this far and having your family together at this stage.
Do I understand that he has no access until June? Or no unsupervised access?

I love your new last line to the song. I'm going to use that.

Morning awesmum, I hope you had a peaceful weekend.

It is scary how out of control your STBX is. Your poor little girl, I really hope that this just gets sorted ASAP and its all in your favour. I feel quite nauseous just thinking about what an underhanded, controlling shit head he is.

Thanks for asking, we had a lovely weekend, very quiet at home doing activities, out in the garden for some fresh air, DD wanted pj day as she loves being chilled out at home. So cooking, blanket forts and a movie as well. We both caught up on our sleep, it was very needed. Back into normal routine this week, including a check up at the dentist, which I know he wouldn't have thought of, even though he's 'primary carer' .

Sent off more bits to the solicitor for the next action we will take. I am going for the divorce now as it seems very unfair he can pay for a barrister and have cash to throw about which quite frankly is 50% mine and I am paying off debts he walked out without paying anything towards and no maintenance from him at all.

It is worth you calling CMS now as he isn't doing 50% and won't get 50 % and when that is sorted via court CMS cant back date it to now like it should be.

KOKO

Is maintenance for children not part of the divorce?

No he could be court ordered to pay above CMS but CMS is the minimum. As he is self employed he will no doubt hide his income and dick you about though.