Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

[awesmum]

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

I would love to get your blog link too, please!

@awesmum
Came across your thread... I’ve just about set the ball rolling to leave my on/off Narcissistic Partner of 35yrs 😞
Looks like you have been an inspiration to other victims of domestic/narcissist abuse, I’m overwhelmed too with all the lovely people on here who have encouraged you and held your hand throughout
I’m on pg 2 of part 1... I will carry on reading until I’ve caught up with your incredible and brave journey ... Sending best wishes to you 💕

@kiragirl I am so sorry you have gone through this. But am so pleased that you are taking steps to start your own life. If you ever need an ear please do message me.

I have been pushing forward this last 2 weeks, if you have read my blog you will see I have been out for a run, the first one in 7 months outside of the gym, it was the first time I felt anywhere near ready to brave going out with him about. I found getting out and running helped in clearing my head I was still in the relationship, it helped me in realising just how unhappy I was.
I didn't get far, and I held my phone in my hand like a weapon 'just in case' but it was a start. I have been out again since. Having had him follow me down the road, on other occasions call me or text me constantly, being back out and able to clear my muddled and busy brain I know will come, for now being brave enough to go out is enough. Hopefully the nightmares may lasses too.

Second brave thing i did was I also went out with friends this weekend, I didn't drive, and had a couple of glasses of wine - I haven't been able to do that, always having to have my car and wits about me 'just in case'.

I am conscious that I mustn't get complacent especially as I signed my divorce petition and sent that back to my solicitor today, so he should get notification the end of this week/ beginning of next. I know he will kick off about that. But I just want to draw a line under the whole sorry experience.

A friend of mine bumped into someone he knows the other day, we have had no contact since the split but used to be friends, they said it was a shame I had cut contact with everyone - I did for my own protection, a fear of flying monkeys, not wanting to involve anyone where they didn't want, and it had been 4 months and not one person contacted me to see if the kids or I were ok. My friend explained that due to the 'mess' I hadn't been in contact. She was told that STBXH was 'going around calling me a bitch, but what he forgets is we all knew how he was speaking to her'.

On one hand I feel better that people where aware and aren't falling for his BS, but on the other, why did no one actually say anything- to him, to me? I could ponder this for some time, I won't because there is no answer, but I do promise I will say something if I see or hear it.

I couldn't have done all this without your support

How are you Awesmum? Hoping things are going smoothly for you and your dc now xx

So has he received the dovorce papers yet?
I am so happy that you felt able to go out and have afew drinks, its all baby steps but they add up. Well done.

Op could you send me the link also please ?

Could I have your blog link OP. I've been silently cheering you on since the first thread x

Hi everyone.

I am doing good thanks. He has DD for a full week this week which is very tough but I am keeping busy. It's the longest I have ever been apart from any of my DC ever, and she's so tiny!
He should have the papers now if not in the next few days. I think he thought I would wait the 2 years of separation. But I want to draw a line under everything.

I feel I am making emotionally a lot of progress but conscious not to get too ahead of myself as I know he's going to go off when he sees the divorce stuff.

I will pm the link

Awesmum I’m now up to date with your thread/journey!! I hope and pray for you to finally start a new journey which will be filled happiness, peace and calm and wish you and your Children the best.
You have done yourself proud and your children have a truly fantastic courageous Mum/Mummy Well done 💕👍🏻

I hope he takes care of DD properly and returns her on time. Good news that you've cracked on with the divorce.

You are doing really well awesmum - you have really achieved a lot in a short space of time.

@awesmum - I have followed your situation from the start - please drop me a link to your blog

Could I also get a link to your blog please? I check in regularly to see how you're doing and am so thrilled to see such positive progress! X

I'm so sorry, I've not had a chance to read the blog yet. Life is a bit hectic but I will read it soon and let you know my thoughts (as you requested )
Hope you're well xx

Hey everyone.

I have been having a little time with the children over the summer holidays, have actually taken some holiday at work and been going for picnics, swimming, walks, park visits etc with many more things in mind, including having booked a weekend break and a festival as well. I am actually booking and planning. It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time. I was never able to do any of these things whilst with him as it wasn't allowed. Even once when I went to visit my mother on a Saturday day time he became so livid he went and got drunk, abused me to my friends he bumped into in the pub and came home angry and belligerent.

I still struggle with making decisions but am getting so much better. Also trying not to over explain things to people as I don't have to justify my actions to people like I did with him.

I have just done handover of DD and he asked if I had put her passport in her hand over bag. I responded with 'No, why?' He said that he had emailed me the day previously to ask for it as he is thinking of driving her to the coast and try to go abroad. I responded that the court order states he must give me notice and details of where, when, how long etc. He started shouting at me no he doesn't that I am withholding her passport which I can't do according to the court order. I said I would speak to my solicitor. He started shouting at me again and I had to run off to get away from him, shouting at me. I got home double checked the court order - he still gets me in a panic, and anxious. I jumped in the car and felt like I wanted to vomit. The courts order as I said to him does state he must give me notice and details of where/ when / how long. That I must not unreasonably withhold the passport. I then saw the email he sent - at 3.30 pm today half an hour before getting her. So I responded to his email saying refer to point X in the court order.
He's responded how he's being reasonable, how I am preventing my daughter from a lovely experience, since court he hasn't had enough time to inform me. That nothing is booked. That he was reasonable with me when allowing her to go to a birthday party - when he said yes then made me sit there for an hour and then told me different times etc.

IF he had said I am thinking of doing this, can I have her passport, I will give you details, I know it's short notice. I might consider it. But I got
'Can you bring D passport'

Then abuse on handover.
He also asked if DD11 wants to go. She was at handover this time as we were coming back from a day out, she won't counter even Looking at him. I asked her. She's asked me to not ask her anymore as she does NOT want to see him again.

Anyway I am so angry at him for the shouting and trying to manipulate me with lies as to the contents of the court order, for shouting at me whilst holding me DD and then the manipulative email, I really don't want to hear anymore of his manipulative rubbish verbally or in writing. I truly hope he doesn't start to think he can email me reams of orders etc. Also his constant miss use of ellipses all over anything he writes gives me the absolute rage!

Ignore ignore ignore. Look again at someone else doing handovers.

I would not give him her passport in any circumstances tbh. You cannot trust him.

Freedom Programme again.

What Mrs P said!

Don't even engage in email ping pong with him.

Can I have your blog link op?

Please may I have your blog link xx

Well doneOP, he's determined to use her as a pawn to punish and you are being very fair. he can't cope with being answerable to you at all 😳

You know in future for handovers I would have my phone recording in my hand. As long as you are in a public place there is nothing he can do, and once he starts yelling, you can tell him you are recording the handover for your own peace of mind. Oh trust me I would be recording every time I had to see that creep

@thequeenoftarts I have been advised not to record hangovers with my phone as it can be unsettling for DD and is viewed poorly by the courts. He intentionally parks outside of the car park so my car camera can't pick up his behaviour.

I have been thinking about who I can get to do handover. I have feeling he may refuse to hand her to someone else though. I unfortunately don't have a brother or father who could do it for me.

What about handover outside of a police station? Jesus you have to laugh really dont you. He can say and do as he pleases but attempt to protect yourself and your child from his abuse and your told the court frowns on things like that. Maybe chat to your solicitor re a contact centre for supervised drop offs and see if that would work for you xx

I am sure he cannot refuse to handover regardless of who it is. He might try but again is all about control. It is so hard (
I know) to stop appeasing. But you can do it!

He sounds absolutely despicable. Well done, OP, for handling the situation so well and staying strong throughout. I'd also like a link to your blog, please. X

Stick to court order and make notes of his behaviour and demands in case it goes back to court.