Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

[awesmum]

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

Hello everyone
I hope you're all enjoying the summer. We had a lovely few days away, I actually had an opportunity to relax, ironic seeing as I was away with the kids and toddler. We went swimming, to the beach, had fish and chips, played daft games together, went for walks and just generally had time being. There was no exclusion of anyone or game playing or manipulation. It was heaven. So nice we are off again tomorrow for the weekend.

STBXH didn't take DD away, he refused to give details of where and when, so he didn't get her passport. So he cut he's nose off to spite his face. DD came home and proudly said 'Mummy you are a naughty naughty girl because you didn't let me go on holiday with my Daddy.'
I am not surprised by this at all, despite the court order very clearly saying he must bad mouth me, he's now doing it too her. Idiot doesn't realise the impact it will have on her. My older children's father used to do that to them, they hated him for it. I wouldn't dream of saying that to her. His theory (he was full of them) was that he will speak the truth as to what happen - he forgets that somethings are subjective and that I am her mum and by slagging me off he's being cruel to her.

he forgets that somethings are subjective

He hasn’t forgotten. It’s deliberate.

More ammo. Journal it. Stay strong.

At her age she doesn't have the capacity for comparative judgement. She is also 'in the moment'. Daddy says Mummy's bad and she believes it. But when Mummy says that she isn't bad, then she'll believe that. All you can do is gently correct his bullshit with the appropriate truth and hugs then distract her.

Oh god he is such a cuntweasel.

Journal it all. Record it maybe?

I came late to your threads, but seeing your growing strength and resolve through everything has been inspiring. His using the DC to get at you is despicable, and will shoot him in the balls foot in the long run.

Koko.

I agree with "correcting" her, no darling Daddy is being silly of course he can take you away on holiday!

She said it again today. I have recorded her saying it, unintentionally as we were packing up to go on a weekend away. She was saying how naughty I was for not letting her go on holiday with Daddy, I said 'Don't be silly, mummy didn't say you can't go on holiday!' And turned the subject to something else.

You have children me a long way.

That's all you can do, just keep correcting her when she says it. The thing is, at her age they usually forget things pretty quickly. He must really have hammered this into her over and over. It wasn't just a one time comment dropped into a conversation. Sounds like parental alienation to me!

Be careful with recordings. Have your solicitor listen to it before you play it for anyone else. Many people have been accused of 'coaching' their children into saying things and you don't want him to accuse you of that. Follow whatever the solicitor says.

Hope things are a little calmer now, and that keeping communication between your sols is helping

Omg!
How are there so many of these narcissistic little boys?
M8 e is a complete idiot too. My nisi will be issued sept 23 after starting my divorce in Feb.
He doesn’t pay for his kids but can buy himself an never ending supply of booze, new designer clothes and holidays!
My home situation is the same as yours, and I’m stuck also. Mine left in March because of an attack. But since then he has payed for nothing, delayed getting a solicitor, made me pay for the court fees for the nisi, accused me of fraud, hidden money bonuses etc in his mums account, been thrown out of his sisters after disagreeing with his brother in law, paid of his debts only, taken out credit at this address even tho he’s not here, put himself on the the electoral roll, fraud, and had the council tax people chase me for payments he hasn’t made cos he not living here! I could go on, but you get the idea!
I’m dying, I have have read your post and totally understand the bit where you just want them to cuddle the worries away. It’s impossible isn’t it, the person causing the grief is the only one who can assuage the grief!
I have older kids. The youngest is 16 and thru his meddling and enabling has moved into her boyfriends house while his parents are away...he’s funding that....not protecting her, using her to get back a me! What a complete prat!
Now I’m forced to get into the financials , which might mean I’m forced to sell up, with no where to go and no money to do it just to get him to pay his parental responsibilities for the last 6 months.
The CSA have told e, not entitled, solicitor says I am ....someone just sort it out, today the benefits agency have not paid me as the older on starts uni in 3 weeks?! So things bouncing no money and £5 in m6 purse.
Who the hell does your life end up like this by loving someone?
Oh, and he’s back at his mommy’s! What a surprise.
Awes mum I would be grateful for any insight you may be able to offer as I too am trying to do this alone, no family support and ‘friends’ have disappeared 👻!!

Hello everyone, I hope everyone has had a nice summer. I have had days out with the kids, been brave and went camping alone with the children. I went to a festival alone with the Littlest children. I have made numerous new friends, I have been taking time to reconnect with old friends I have not seen for years. I have joined some groups. I have applied to university to finish my degree, starting next month.
But my biggest news is, a few months ago I contacted Crisis about the sheer lack of help out there for people in abusive relationships for help to get out. There is no information and a serious lack of legal support. There woefully little help from the councils and what they can due perpetuating the cycle of abuse because it's damned hard to leave and even harder without support, which many of us don't have because our abusive partners have alienated our support net works. Anyway, Crisis have picked up on what I have said, they have asked me to help, I am.
They are pitching my story to help change the current law in England to get those that desperately need help the help they need quicker and more efficiently. Those of you that have followed my story know how hard it was living in the same house as him, that he walked the line of breaking the law, that proving the coercive control and abuse I suffered and my children suffered at his hands was so difficult that the police would have struggled to prosecute.
In Wales and Scotland if you are suffering abuse and you go to Women's Aid they are able to give you documentation for you to take to the council and the council are legally obligated to help you with urgency. In England this is not the case, this is what Crisis are trying to change. Hopefully my story may help this.

@user1486131602 sending you a private message.

Sorry cooking dinner and typing - just re-read that. Crisis are pitching my story to the National press to run it to bring awareness to the case and possibly using it to take to put before Parliament.

That is amazing you have done so well.

You are one amazing woman!

Wow! You really are an amazing person!

Wow that's great, at the very least hopefully some good will come from all the bad that you have been put through.

So glad to hear that you are living again, making new friends and good memories.

Wow, you are incredible! Been following your story right from the beginning. You're a pillar of strength. How lucky you're kids are to have you. Amazing woman!

Amazing @Awesmum. You have been so strong and so determined to do the best for your children. I don't know you but I'm so proud of you. Here's to thread 3, where you show even more people how you can move on from coercive control no matter what.

OP, I was signposted here earlier today via another thread. I have spent the evening reading both your threads and want to tell you that you are an AMAZING woman. I'm so proud of you!

Woman, you are magnificent!

And bless you for doing what you are doing. Who knows how many desperate women you will help by letting your story be known.

You just get stronger and stronger, what an amazing role model you are for your children. I hope it gets picked up by the press, and that it help women that are stuck in this horrible cycle of abuse.

@awesmum UP you are truly, truly amazing! I've read both threads over 24 hours and it will stay with me for life. Bloody well done ✔

Ps, please may I have the link to your blog?! Thankyou!!

Well done @awesmum!

I’m really interested in the coercive control stuff as I don’t even know where to start with it.

I’ve written over 9,000 words documenting actual events that happened during my marriage (I started keeping notes 4 years ago as he had such a temper). There are hundreds of examples of times I’ve been shouted & sworn at, ignored, let down, criticised, intimidated & isolated among other things. It probably sounds crazy but until I had a mental health assessment in February and they highlighted the abuse I hadn’t really seen it for what it was.

Anyway, I’m interested about what you’re doing with Crisis because my ex now wants to take me to court over custody (frankly we’ll probably end up in court over finances too) and I would quite like it made clear that he is an aggressive bully and his time with the children should be limited but on the other hand I’m worried if I show all this appalling evidence of coercive control & abuse then he might kill me. I know that sounds very dramatic but it has crossed my mind quite a few times because I have seen his tempers. I just don’t know what do do? X

@Moffa Please start a thread? I really think you need some support yourself