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Original poster

Handhold - Told H I want a divorce, the fallout and rise again - hopefully

943 replies

awesmum · 12/03/2019 19:00

Part 2

Well I never thought I would have to make a follow up page.

Thank you all lovely people for the handholds, if you've read the previous thread you know what I have been through, and I can't begin to explain how wonderful I found the support on here. So Thank you ... on I go!

OP posts:
Original poster
awesmum · 13/08/2019 07:31

Despite my internal fear of STBXH taking DD away I spoke to my solicitor who had an email from his saying that they are fully aware that they are asking me to break the court order and that I am fully in my rights to say no but can STBXH take DD away?

My immediate response is no but this is not about me, so after a weekend of thought I contacted him via email said I would give him passport details so he can book and once he gives me details i will handover the passport as long as he returns it with her after the break.

I didn't mention but I am resident parent so get to keep her passport. I also told him I had made my solicitor aware of his behaviour on handover. I was short, business like and to the point.

Well, I got a slew of abuse back via email. So I have passed it back to my solicitor as clearly unless I jump too immediately as per our relationship I get verbal intimidation and frankly gaslighting. I am apparently in breach of the court order (I am not) how I am making things up about his behaviour (I am not) and so on. He's refusing to even meet me half way with this. His way or the highway. He's threatening to take me back to court, good luck with that.

I am going to look at doing handover at the contact centre as it's not fair on DD witnessing his behaviour, he doesn't even see how negative it is on her.

Will this ever end?

OP posts:
Windygate · 13/08/2019 07:45

His solicitor shouldn't have asked you to breach the court order. Personally I'd say no and use his abusive email as evidence. Once he has the passport he won't return it and I'd be very worried he wouldn't return DD on the agreed date based on his previous behaviour

Original poster
awesmum · 13/08/2019 07:58

@Windygate my thoughts exactly. I have passed it back to my solicitor now. I have tried as is evident to be fair and reasonable to meet more than half way again. But he wants it his way or he throws his toys out of the pram. The court order is there for a reason - because I knew he would be like this and I am going to use it. He's had his chance.

OP posts:
Windygate · 13/08/2019 08:08

@awesmum you've summarised it perfectly. It's much too soon to vary/breach the court order.

greengrower · 13/08/2019 09:27

You are handling all this so well, but I really wouldn't let him take her away.

Lunde · 13/08/2019 11:04

Never give him an inch outside the order - he will always try to use it to manipulate you into giving another mile!

I would never allow him to take DD out of the country in the current, unstable situation as I think there is a huge risk that he could take her to a non Hague country just to "win". There are plenty of lovely places in the UK they could go.

RandomWordsandaNumber5 · 13/08/2019 11:54

Been following you for a while now and I admire your strength very much.
I think you should insist on sticking to the court order to the letter. If you don’t, surely it potentially weakens your position when he breaches it later, as I’m sure he will.

Original poster
awesmum · 13/08/2019 12:52

@RandomWordsandaNumber5 my thoughts exactly. It is back in the hands of the solicitors now. I have to be careful to appear that I am not being obstructive just because I dislike him and that I have DD interests as paramount. Although I am getting to the point of throwing myself in the floor having a full blown temper tantrum and screaming 'It's not fair! I want my own way! It seems to be working for him! But I won't because I am not a dick.

OP posts:
Sicario · 13/08/2019 13:45

You go, girl. And he can shove his passport request right up his jacksey.
Have a good old scream into a pillow followed by a glass of wine, possibly cake too.

RandomMess · 13/08/2019 13:52

He has just proven himself to be the controlling nasty man he is and in writing. You gave him a chance and now you can say that you will not consider any breach of the CO and that you no longer feel able to do unaccompanied handovers due to the abuse and it is not in DDs interests to witness it.

A good family solicitor once advised me "give them enough rope stand back and watch them hang themselves" anyone not acting in a reasonable manner does all without you having to do anything!

Original poster
awesmum · 13/08/2019 18:17

My lovely solicitor has just written a very short but to the point letter to his. I won't deal with him again. I keep trying for DD benefit but nah not going to. Unfortunately for him his solid off the rest of the week so he's not going to get this dealt with anytime soon. I am away for a few days over the weekend and next week so shalln't be dealing with it till I come back, which takes us right up to when he wants to take her away.

The lock on affect is the children are all feeling unsafe in the house again.

Also I am now wondering if he's going to be a complete tool and not return her from access which he currently has with her.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/08/2019 18:32

Did you end up with him being able to be arrested if he fails to return?

If he doesn't I guess it's emergency court to get that added...

Original poster
awesmum · 13/08/2019 20:17

I didn't get a powers of arrest on the court order because they said that when he kept her there was no court order in place so he wasn't doing anything illegal, morally not right but not illegal, and with the court order in place he 'should' stick to it.

I maybe over thinking this and he may very well return her no problem, but I am better emotionally prepared than not.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/08/2019 20:40

Indeed and if he doesn't then the next step is to get it added.

Try and stay detached Thanks

Mrsmummy90 · 14/08/2019 23:47

I really hope he returns her. I've followed your threads from the very beginning and honestly thought that this far in the future, he'd be bored.
He is so twisted, it's actually shocking.

notapizzaeater · 15/08/2019 00:00

I also thought the novelty would have wore off by now, he's a prize dick !

AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2019 13:12

It's too soon for him to be bored. He needs to butt his head against your stone wall longer. In all honesty, he probably won't until the final court orders are issued. And even then not right away. Honestly, your best bet is for him to meet some other woman to keep him occupied. He needs another focus for his energy. God help her, whoever she turns out to be.

It's still a shock to me that failure to return a child isn't a criminal offense. It certainly is here. And the State I live in considers failure to pay child support a crime, too. A felony in some cases with pretty severe penalties. Loss of driver's license as well as loss of any professional license.

You're right to stick to the letter of the order. And I wouldn't trust him to take her abroad, either. Especially if he has any sort of tie to another county. And especially if the nature of his business is such that he could easily set up a new one or easily work for cash.

I may be wrong, but isn't there some sort of alert that can be set on a child's passport that says they may be in danger of abduction? One that would require a notarized letter from the other parent before they're allowed to leave? Because what is stopping him from reporting her passport as lost and getting a new one?

Be patient and be strong. Just remember that you are doing the right thing for all of your children. You are showing them that they are worth fighting for. You will triumph in the end. Look how far you've come now.

Original poster
awesmum · 15/08/2019 18:56

@AcrossthePond55 I truly wish that we had the same laws. It's so frustrating that I stick to the rules, being warned against breaking them so don't, yet he blatantly does it and nothing.

The good news is he did return her, he gave me evils, I was unobviously filming. He gave me daggers and humphed off obviously I was mortified by his lack of interaction.

We have had an amazing day today, my eldest DD got her A level results and despite everything she's been through in the last 2 years has brilliant results. I got a little teary eyed at how proud of her I am. Also we are packing up for our very first holiday as a happier and more relaxed family tomorrow, no where desperately exciting but who cares! We are beyond happy.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2019 20:38

Congratulations to "AwesumDD1"!!

Glad DD2 got home on time, and yes, I'm sure his 'stink eye' was just a dagger straight to your heart🙄 . Their egos know no bounds, do they?

Yes, I have to admit that I'm often surprised by the lack of 'teeth' in family court orders in the UK (from what I read on MN). The judge orders, but the irresponsible/uncaring parent knows that he (or she) can do exactly as they please because in order to do anything, you have to drag them back to court for another (expensive) order that still has no teeth! In these days, it's foolish for any court (anywhere) to assume that all parents are going to be reasonable and abide by the rulings. I mean, honestly, if I knew I could steal a car and all that would happen is that a judge wrote an order telling me not to steal cars but there was no penalty, no jail time, why wouldn't I continue to steal cars?

Have a wonderful, no, a joyous holiday. Even if all you & the Des were doing was going 5 miles up the road to a Premiere Inn with a swimming pool, it'll still be 1000 times better than a holiday at a 5 star tropical resort with him!!

greengrower · 15/08/2019 21:22

Huge hugs and hurrah to your DD, my DS had A level results today and is off to first choice of Uni :) Proud parent moment here!

Originallymeonly · 15/08/2019 21:46

Apologies if already mentioned but I have had to contact a passport department in Scotland somewhere and log that I am RP and I have the passports. This stops exhusband from being able to report them lost and try to apply for new ones.
It's not quite an all ports alert but it means you are the only person who can get DD a new passport.

BarberaofSeville · 15/08/2019 22:13

Have been lurking for some time and just wanted to say that you are doing brilliantly. And you're going on holiday! That made me cry, thinking about the first holiday DD and I had after leaving my violent and abusive XH. It is the most amazing feeling isn't it, such freedom. You so deserve it after the aggravation of his intimidation and all the court visits. Unless you've been through it, it's impossible to understand the constant heightened stress levels and the resulting exhaustion.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that we are over 20 years on, life is so happy, my DD is well adjusted and confident. The times we went through - which were incredibly similar to your scenario - are a distant memory now, that seem like they happened in another life. That will be you one day, you're well on the way already. Have a wonderful well-deserved holiday, and KOKO Flowers

PJMasksGhekko · 15/08/2019 22:21

awesmum your daughter has done amazing.

The ex? He's just giving himself more rope really isn't he? I know how stressful it is, but you are doing brilliantly x

NChangeForNoReason · 15/08/2019 23:58

@awesmum - just spent the last 1.5hrs reading ur journey from the very beginning of the first thread! I skipped most of the replies but read every one of ur posts and I only have the upmost respect for you.

U really are an awesome mum and given everything you have gone through I have nothing but admiration for ur true determination of n ensuring a better life for u and ur kids!!

Now I'm following ur thread, count me in as one of ur supporters - I want to see the bastard gets what's coming to him!

NettleTea · 24/08/2019 20:53

I hope you are having a lovely break and well done your DD