Dating thread 150 - I get knocked down, but I get up again....

[DaffoDeffo]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

30somethingandsingle Same "problem " with my fwb he's amazing in bed and I'm so comfortable and relaxed with him, it's a lot to give up. Someone who you connect with physically and mentally.

ant it can take time to figure it out .... I mind a figured it out while dating which doesn't always make for a stable start with it. But....people can surprise you. For example...person im dating now and I think it might have some legs - started as a ONS. Freinds with benefits can definitely evolve. But nothings guaranteed. I guess that's the thing to get straight. You can be dating someone and it's all proceeding to plan and then they spring a surprise ghosting on you....i don't mean to put you off btw! I'm more saying....be prepared to be fairly emotionally resilient and...on multi dating. I think the reason most of us do it isn't because we love to be swimming in options but because putting all your eggs in one basket has for many of us turned out to be a time waster more than anything. The chances of the first person you meet being the right sort is very rare.

I say give it a shot. Go on a few first dates...low investment. And see how you feel then?

Ant330 Hark at me giving advice having caught feelings with a fwb but I would say in your position (which was me a year ago) you need to take the pressure off, go on some dates accept most won't go anywhere, do what feels right at the time and have fun.

Hi all... Following the thread still, and wishing you all the best of luck. Never forget it is supposed to be fun and if it isn't, you probably need a break !

On the FWB / FB confusion... Has anyone thought about treating it in the same way as BDSM relationship ? The kink community are well used to having negotiation and discussion to define boundaries etc... as it is the way to true achieve the "safe, sane & consensual" element.

Maybe it should be the same with an FWB ? Perhaps ( using current gender thinking as an example ) relationships are on a scale. ONS where you don't even know their name at one extreme, and co-habitting in some form at the other. Maybe to feel comfortable you need to have in depth conversations around your own rules for a particular "relationship" with the other party so that rather than use a generic label, you define the outcome you desire without trying to name it ? If it makes you happy, then it does not matter what it is called, ditto if it leaves you feeling uncertain or anxious.

Communication is key, and I have been very badly burned in the past by not defining expectations which then came back to haunt us later, and equally, I have had good discussions about expectations with someone and it has led to feeling very comfortable and certain about where we are.

I wonder if sometimes we are so eager to have "something" rather than nothing, that we are put off of having a grown up conversation with a potential partner which would eliminate doubt and uncertainties ?

( Sorry for waffling, was catching up with the thread and found myself a lightbulb moment when I thought about the conversations I have been having recently with my girlfriend about her interest in experimenting in D/S... )

Morning All

Ant - You could always set up a profile on PoF and then hide it, so you can have a look around and see what's out there. When you feel ready, unhide your profile and do a bit of fishing. You may have read on these threads about us women wanting to DTD fairly quickly, at least by the 3rd/4th date. This is purely because in some cases that we want to check the, erm, equipment is working and we're compatible before the 'relationship' goes any further. It IS very daunting when you first start out on OLD. Read the rules at the start of the thread as they aren't tongue in cheek, they are real! Lol. As Harry Hill would say - There's only one way to find out!

For me a FWB absolutely has no right to be troubled by my dating others. That would worry me. FWB absolutely doesn't meet exclusivity. My FWBs all take an interest in my dates, text to ask how they went, want to see pics 😂 So they're friends, but we also have sex. The more we all try and explain how we arrange this part of our lives, the more obvious it is that we all have different expectations!

Ahh, think I've got it - D/S is Dominating and Submission!

Lol yes Dom/sub TooOld

ant I'm in a similar position. I was with someone 21 years. I don't want to live with any one again and I'm not looking for a dad for my kids. I have never had a ons as it has never appealed to me. I have good friends and limited free time but I would like to meet someone.

I signed up to old and am just seeing how it goes. I've been on a few dates but what I've met some nice men we weren't a match. I'm developing a thick skin and I think if nothing else it's making me a more assertive person.

So I have a first date with Mr l.T tonight. Going to be ao miffed if he stands me up 🤦‍♀️

@Rockluvvindad actually I think that is really sensible advice.
I think that may be my problem- trying to label what I have with Mr S.. convinced it doesn't currently fit with FWB label and worrying about it. He's been very open and honest and I've been panicking that exclusivity means a relationship which I'm definitely not ready for.
We met on fab and are along the BDSM route and so conversations are very easy and open.
I think I need to stop overthinking and enjoy it for what it is.
Plus, it makes me feel good that he can't get enough of me..he's coming round tomorrow as soon as he's back from his trip

Ant D/s is indeed Dom/sub, DD/bg is Daddy Dom/baby girl - I don’t like the phrase at all (I’m 56 ffs), I don’t have daddy issues (it feels v disrespectful to my dad, who is still alive) but I do kind of get that it is a good way to describe how I relate to this FWB in bed. With the other guy, the roles are reversed 😀.

ant I do know exactly where you’re coming from re ONS/FB, but I think there’s been some really good advice here this morning. You have to put yourself out there, be prepared for a rocky time maybe but know that with open communication you can find your way. With that disappointed lady in the pub, what do you think she would have said if you’d told her exactly your position and how you felt? I bet she wouldn’t have run away, and you might have had a good learning experience.

I'd never considered the whole sub/Dom thing until I met my fwb he can be a bit dominant in bed and I definitely like it.

@Ant330 I felt EXACTLY the same as you when I first joined OLD
I'd been with the same man for 14 years (not a terrible marriage but I ended it for various reasons) and then had a crazy wild fling with a total moron.
Anyway, when I joined OLD after about a year of being single, I had absolutely no idea where it would lead. I didn't need a new dad for my kids - the one they have is great and we've remained friends. We have the kids on a 60/40 split (I have them the 60) and I too have a busy social life and a hobby/ passion which takes up a lot of my spare time
I dated plenty and enjoyed it - the good the bad and the ugly! The only thing I promised myself was that I'd just let things progress naturally and see what happened rather than worrying about what might happen. I too have no interest in ONS - they bore me unless I have a good connection with someone so if a guy started with the generic yawn-inducing sex chat they were immediately discounted, but with anyone else I didn't want to rule anyone out too early on by being too set on a specific list of things I wanted if that makes sense? I was just honest with whoever I dated about wanting to keep things slow, see where it lead to etc

As it happens I met someone who made me want a relationship again and so that's where we're at. It's easy, he ticks all my boxes and he fits my life.
I suppose for me it's a case of I didn't know what I wanted until I knew if that makes sense. It just felt good with him and still does

Cassettes I was pretty open and honest and she wasn't running away, it was me that did that and I'm kicking myself this morning which is probably what prompted my post on here.
You're right some good advice so far, I'm clearly overthinking it and putting too much pressure on what should be fun just meeting new people.
Think I might have a couple of glasses of wine when I get home tonight, grab a couple of selfies and put up a profile. What's the worst that could happen? I don't need an answer to that!!!

Ant did you get her number? You could call and ask her out ....

ant330 I'm in the same boat in that I have recently separated after what was largely a happy 20 year relationship.

Being primary care giver limits my options. In an ideal world I'd like a relationship, cohabiting, probably not marriage, but that kind 'for the rest of our lives thing' but in reality it'll be hard to have a relationship like that especially as my preference is very much for men with kids (although maybe I shouldn't discriminate?) I also wouldn't be averse to the odd one night stand or fwb but it's hard with kids and while I know that getting feelings for one could hurt me I would still like the ONS / FWB to be respectful to me and kind and attractive (not necessarily conventionally) and so far I haven't 'met' many guys like that on old.

On FWBs I had a 3 year one before I met stbexh. We even lived together for a while but we had both finished relationships and with people we loved and so it was never going to go anywhere and we knew that from the start. We never discussed exclusivity but I think there was an unwritten rule that we could see other people. To me a FWB would be non-exclusive, fun, doing things together, talking, the odd meal out but basically honest about what you want and nowadays I'd probably discuss other partners because I wouldn't want a guy who wasn't using condoms with everyone. So a FWB wouldn't have that 'we're expecting to be together forever' element. Of course I suspect if I did have a FWB it would be exclusive on my part simply because I then wouldn't have time to meet other men so it would be harder to not develop feelings.

crikey I have never discussed relationships with my FWB. They don't know what dates I go on nor who else I might/might not be sleeping with and I never ask those questions of them either. I like them, hence the friends bit, but I wouldn't say I was ever emotionally that close to them. I was interested in what was happening to them in life but not in a relationship way at all. I think once you cross that line they are way more than FWB. I only did FWB with men I didn't want a relationship with (or them with me) for whatever reason.

and Ant330 I would say 90% of men I have met have no clue what they want either. I am not sure you need a definition before you start. You often work it out along the way - mainly by meeting people who either work or don't work for you! So just dip your toe in, do some dates and see how you feel!

Just to say rock I agree with your post completely.
ant welcome and good luck-is there any way you can contact the lady from last night?
never good luck with mr IT tonight - I’m sure he won’t stand you up.

Rockluvvindad great post.
I think many of us spending a lot of time assuming or second guessing what the other person might want rather than just asking. But it can be scary to ask for commitment then find they don't want that.

Ant330 I was married for over 20 years. Never did the 'having lots of fun with lots people' in my young age.
I started OLD just over 2 years ago. I had no idea what I was doing. But just enjoyed meeting different people and chatting to them. And I'm still friends with a couple of them.
You have to start somewhere. Put up a profile and try messaging a few. It will be hard work and painful to start with but you'll start to learn from it.

shit I think I would have tried to make eye contact and see if there was a flicker there. It would have been creepy passing a note to his friend. I don't think it would be stalkerish to check for him on Tinder.

shit sod it mate. Go for it. If he doesn't get in touch you just avoid the shop. 21st century. What have you got to lose?