Fiancé won’t help pay for the wedding!

[CambridgeKat25]

Hi, I need some advice on how to move forward on a problem I have with my fiancé. We’re getting married in June and everything is booked and sorted. We’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 1 and a half, and he’s always paid his half of the bills no problem. However, it’s been a consistent problem that he’s always in debt (large credit card bill each month, living from his overdraft, etc).

When we moved in, his father paid our deposit and the rest of the moving budget was covered by me alone - including all furniture and decorating, totalling many thousands of £ from my savings that I’d sacrificed much to earn (I was only 24 and not in a particularly high paid job). He saw his contribution as the large sum put in by his father. I’ve tried to let this slide and have succeeded until now, when financial tensions have re-surfaced due to the wedding.

He’s insistent he has no money, and budget sheets verify this. We earn the same amount, but with his commuting train fare and large debts, he has very little spare income. I accept this and I’m glad my income is slightly more balanced so I can contribute more to house repairs to take the pressure off us.

However, what spare income he does have isn’t coming to me to pay his debt to me. I paid for most of the wedding myself, and I’ve borrowed the rest from my dad. I am now solely paying dad’s loan back by myself, as well as having more final payments looming - plus everything I’ve already spent. On his side, he’s contributed £100 total. It’s upsetting me and the pressure is too much. I’m a freelancer and don’t exactly have loads left over myself. I also sell some graphic design bits online for extra cash. If this carries on, I’ll need a 3rd job as I can’t pay for an entire wedding like this. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

We’ve had 3 or 4 very big discussions about this but nothing changes, even though he understands the implications on me. He says he has no cash, then he’ll impulse transfer me £50 to shut me up - making it obvious he’s now on zero until payday, and blaming me. I don’t see any regular or impulse payments after this happens. If I kept quiet after this, I’d never see another penny. He isn’t prepared to set up a regular payment as he ‘never knows what he’ll have left.’

Tonight he went for a beer with his friends. Fine, I think, he still needs a life and a beer is only £5. Now I find out he’s gone to another city and is clubbing. When this happens, upwards of £50 will be spent. This will be his only spare money the entire month. I also found out when I was away last week he bought 2 takeaways and lots of beer in my absence.

I am furious that I am sacrificing almost all my activities to pay for this wedding and he is doing nothing. I appreciate he is poor at the moment but I assumed he’d want to help any way he could. I want him to have a life and have fun but in a restrained way so we can equally share the burden and rewards. I’ve been endlessly fair and restrained.

I’ve previously given an ultimatum that I will cancel the wedding if he doesn’t try and save up - but his stubbornness and pride means any difficult conversation is just shut down and never brought back up. Ultimatums and threats are useless if he doesn’t listen.

I am completely lost, frustrated, and scared. He’s not like this about anything other than money. Any ideas how I can resolve this without causing the ‘shut down’ we have no matter how understanding I am in conversation?!

The other view is that he is in debt, he does not want to be more in debt and he is sticking to that. Quite sensible really

Whilst spending the only money he had for that month on a night out clubbing when he only went out for a £5 drink.

Is that sensible?

Listen to earrings - this is your future.

Here you are talking about getting a 3rd job, is he? If not, why not?

You've been together for 6 years. In 6 years nothing has changed for him financially. You've been living together 1.5 years, and you know first had that nothing has changed.

In an ideal world he'd magically get his act together but he's clearly not going to. I think it's very possible that he will eventually tell you that he's never "had the chance" to get out of his debt hole because you always wanted this, or that.

Drive is impt to me. Not money. If he was broke as shit but worked his arse off to try and get his act together I'd respect him for it... depending on why he's in debt that is.

I think you will both end up resenting each other. You don't need to marry him. You don't need to leave him. I most certainly wouldn't be tying my financial future to him at this time. I'd also suggest you seek some financial counseling to find out how marriage will affect you and whether his debt will apply to you when/if you get married.

As others said maternity leave is a concern as well, married or not. You're going to need to save for that because he certainly isn't.

I think, financially speaking, you're better taking the pressure off of both of you, helping him get his debt sorted out (finding someone to help him, coaching, counselling, whatever), and then looking at getting married down the line. It's possible the crying thing when discussing debt is embarrassment but also anxiety about it.

I agree with the previous posters, do not marry this man. During your married life you will have many challenge and situations to deal with, and most of them will involve financial choices.

You and your better half MUST be on the same page regarding money, and it doesn't sound as though that is the case.

Cancel the wedding. Don’t get financially tied to someone so selfish who won’t change.

I'm also wondering more about his debts, because I can also see the other side that if he's trying to pay off old debts that an expensive wedding isn't a huge priority for him right now. I don't think automatically he's in the wrong here.

I think you both need to sit down for a chat about finances and try and get on the same page as each other. It's the only way to work out if the relationship can be saved or not.

You sound like you're stuck in the roles of "responsible parent" and "rebellious teenager". You scrutinise every pound he spends (not a criticism - I can see why you do) and in return, he spends money on silly things as if to wrest back control of his own wallet. It's understandable that with a wedding to pay for, that dynamic has been heightened and the issue is coming to a head. If it wasn't the wedding, it would have been something else.

Given his historical issues with money and the fact that you are aware he has little cash to spare, I'm surprised the two of you even booked a date for the wedding as it seems clear you were always going to have to shoulder the cost of it and you're not happy to do so (I'm not saying you should be, but wasn't this inevitable?)

If you want to continue in this relationship, and it sounds like you do, you should at least postpone, if not cancel the wedding. "DF, I don't think we're in good financial shape at the moment to pay for this wedding and we should probably wait until we are. The cost and our arguments because of it are stressing me out to the point that I feel like I'm having doubts about us. I don't want to look back on what should be one of the best days of our lives and feeling resentful about what I had to do to get us there."

Also, I think him "shutting down" is a bigger issue than the finances and you have to tell him this. You both need to have a frank talk without judgment or blame about your financial future. What are your priorities? How much longer will the debt take to pay off? Does he want to get married? What kind of wedding is realistic for you both?

OP, can you imagine how much harder it’s going to get if you have children and the cost of hobbies for rag has to be found.

It’s not too late to get out of what’s an awful situation.

Please don't marry him. At least not yet.

Does he have the potential to earn more any time soon? How did he end up in debt in the first place?

he does feel very weak and upset about his situation and isn’t immune to the fact I’m struggling with it

He doesn’t like feeling weak, does he? He wants to be in control of the situation. However he doesn’t want to actually take control of his finances. He has chosen a different way to take control : #nodebate

he just can’t talk about it why is a very different thing
You are mistaking can’t for doesn't want to. He doesn’t want to talk about the situation because it would mean having a proper adult conversation. He could have that conversation if he wanted to. But he doesn’t. He want to live in his own creation of the world how he wants it to be, where the magic fairies (you, daddy, and, and) look after him. #nodebate

The few times we seem to be making headway he gets so upset about his finances that he can end up in tears.
He “shuts down” as he doesn’t want to discuss it. And when he really can’t shut you down by shutting down, he resorts to crying. This is all about control and not wanting to relinquish control. These are tears of frustration, not contrition. Frustration because you won’t shut up and pretend to be his magic fairy. Classic narcissistic strategy. #nodebate

If I could somehow get through to him and force him to talk, I feel there could be a resolution.
You can’t get through to him because he doesn’t want you to. Do you need the hashtag again?

I’d hate to lose my best friend over money
He isn’t your best friend. He’s a fair weather friend. Let him go. He will soon find another victim to manipulate. Be warned he probably won’t let you go without a fight. He will promise you the Earth then a couple of months later, you’ll be married and life will have completed a full circle, you’ll be back to square one but be even worse now. Because you’ll be married. The question will then be divorce or babies.

By then you’ll have invested so much time, energy and money in him you won’t wnat to divorce. Some people have already mentioned the sunk cost fallacy. The photo above is a synopsis but there are reams written about it. I suggest you look at dr Google.

I take it you’ve bought the house together and his father has stumped up the deposit. Is that correct? If you haven’t put any money into it beyond repairs/decoration, I’d leave, sign over the house to him. Take your lovely new furniture and rent a little place all by yourself. Even if you’ve put a deposit down unless it is in the tens of thousand, you’re going to end up with nothing after sellers fees.

And why do I say sign the house over? So that you have nothing to do with it and don’t have bailiffs knocking at the door when he defaults on the mortgage.

If it’s a rental, do the same thing. Use your wedding budget to pay the fees on a rental. The law has recently changed. You don’t even need the full deposit, you can pay insurance equal to one weeks rent. You don’t get this money back obviously.

Please please cancel the wedding. This man will bleed you dry. I know you can’t imagine how depleted, drained and tired you will be after having a baby. But honestly you are putting yourself in such a vulnerable position.

Can you talk to your parents or someone else about this irl? I know it’s embarrassing. Please don’t be like him and refuse to talk, covering it up. For this is how his lies and deceit will consume you.

It sounds to me as though he doesn’t care about a fancy wedding and isn’t prepared to go without and make huge sacrifices to prioritise it. You want it - you can pay for it.

You might be prepared to spend very little on anything else in order to have the day you want but he clearly isn’t and he’s entitled to feel like that, so long as he doesn’t have any high expectations or a sense of entitlement about what others will provide. Perhaps he feels that if his parents have gifted money in the form of a house deposit, your parents should gift you the equivalent rather than lend it, for the wedding.

He pays his way on everything else by the sounds of things - the important stuff. Be honest with yourself, who is really driving the desire to get married here? Is it 80% you and he’s just happy to go along with it so long as he doesn’t have to put himself out, financially or otherwise?

It might be that he really wants to be married to you but sees your wedding plans as a waste of money (or just feels he can’t afford it right now, and it’s hard to argue with that based on what you’ve said.) Or it might be that he doesn’t really care about getting married at all, feels ailroad d by you and this is his way of digging his heels in a bit so you can’t control everything. Only you can know which. But I think some really honest reflection would be good for you at this point, even if you have to face up to some stuff you don’t like.

I’d say cancel the wedding or at least postpone it. I hate to say it but you sound a wee bit controlling. He can’t afford to give more without living on peanuts. You know this, but you want him to live on peanuts anyway, because the wedding is important to you. You already acknowledge that you have more disposable income than him.

So...your parents won’t pay for it, he clearly can’t pay for it. You criticise him for having debt yet you are prepared to borrow from your parents to fund this. I think your issue is not that he has debt per se, but that he has debt that has not been approved or endorsed by you.

Look, if it’s a marriage you want, go ahead and do it cheaply with no fuss. If it’s a bells and whistles wedding you want then it’s time to accept that you can’t have that right now.

Think carefully before having children with this man. It sounds as though you have fundamentally different outlooks and priorities and the allocation of money will always be a sticking point for you. I’m sorry to say that if you go ahead, I predict it won’t last. But the signs were always there, if only you’d see them.

Limpshade is right. If you get married you will feel like you are a parent married to a totally irresponsible child. You are not supposed to parent your DH that is not a legitimate marriage, it is dysfunctional.

I have been happily married for 22 years. My DH works so hard and never complains. He takes his role as a provider very seriously and always makes sure our family (of 3 kids all teens now) have everything we need.

Last year our son at 11 was diagnosed with cancer. It was a lump on his face which he had an operation to remove and he recovered. Six months later I was diagnosed was cancer too! I spent last summer bedridden and am now making a full recovery. My husband was fantastic, he was so caring and loving the whole time and we really pulled together.

This is married life! Raising children, working as a team, having fun, loving each other but also having to deal with real "grown-up" scary issues.

This man will not be there for you. He has no ambition except to party hard. He is not interested in developing himself and setting goals for you as a couple.

Why are you choosing someone who you will have to parent and you KNOW will refuse to behave responsibly with money. You must know you CANNOT change him and he doesn't want to change!!! This situation is toxic. Call off the wedding and spend some of your hard earned money figuring out why you desire to shakle yourself to a LOSER who will make your life miserable?? If you have a crisis there is a good chance you will have to deal with it alone, you won't have a life partner.

Find a MAN not an immature teenager. I don't think this guy even wants to get married. You are driving this. Do you have an older adult such as a grandparent who is emotionally mature that you can sit down with and talk this through?

I'm sorry to be so harsh but as a mum with 2 teenage girls I would be saying the same to them in this situation. It is because we are concerned that we want to advise you to please step back. There are many women here telling you they saw the warning signs before marriage but perhaps didn't appreciate what it would mean further down the line. This man could end up plunging you and any children into poverty in the future due to his immaturity. The big three for causing unhappiness in marriage are sex issues, lack of communication and financial problems. But another is once you have children, please, please, please don't chose this man to be the father of your children!!!

Cut him loose before he bleeds you dry. Things will get much worse if you don’t.

I have just reread your first post . I am so, so sorry to break your heart but PLEASE put this man behind you as a hard lesson learned. You really can do SO much better. Don't throw all your ambition, dreams and energy away on a man that is not interested. You made an (understandable) mistake because you love him but don't make your mistake permanent by marrying him. A guy who is a fun boyfriend to go clubbing with is not necessarily the one you should choose as your life partner.

The OP is stuck in the ‘if it wasn’t for this one little issue’ he would be perfect mindset. She hasn’t quite grasped that this is who he he is and despite the tears, he doesn’t want to change. Why the hell should he, he has a woman and parents who will take on his financial responsibilities, win, win!

Let me get my crystal ball. The OP will probably want children and will be on a reduced income immediately after the birth and when (there’s no if with a man like this) she returns back to work she will be paying eye watering sums in childcare. He will expect the OP and parents to continue to pick up his finacial slack because it’s what they’ve always done.

The onus is always on the person who benefits the least from the status quo, to change it. The problem OP is are you willing to force the issue, are you willing to prioritise your self respect over enabling a adult who acts like an entitled child?

The thing, though, is that he is selfish. Simple as that. There's no sugarcoating it. It's not that he doesn't have any money - what money he has he chooses to spend on himself.

Binding yourself legally to him in this situation wouldn't be the smartest move. I know it's easier said than done and I honestly feel for you, but I would cancel the wedding if I were you.

Finances are extremely important and not something you should overlook. Plus, it speaks volumes about his selfishness and entitlement.

What have his debts paid for? You’ve been together six years so from late teens or 21, 22 by the sounds of things. It’s hard to accumulate savings and still have any sort of a life in your twenties. For example has his debt paid for a car that you both benefit from?

I think he’s getting a bit of drubbing on this thread from people who are assuming he’s either selfish and tight, or selfish and a spendthrift. He might be none of those things, he might just not be in a position to stump up more money for luxuries and non-essentials right now and you are frustrated because he won’t prioritize what little disposable income he has on a wedding that frankly, he.might not even particularly want right now.

I think we need more background in order to judge this.

He's not your best friend. He's exploiting you for money. Best friends don't do that.

If you marry, your finances are linked. If you split up, even if he leaves you for someone else, all assets are shared. So you could end up with him taking half your pension and savings, after his debts are paid off from them. Why would you do that? Why take on his stupidity with money as your legal problem?

He doesn't care that you're paying for the wedding while he spends his money on beer and clubbing without you. As Maya Angelou said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. The first time.

You're worth more than this. You can do better than this. Imagine dealing with him when you have kids - do you want him to expect you to fund your own maternity leave? How are you ever going to buy a house if he has massive debts and a bad credit rating? And you do know your hard work and care with your own money will always end in you bailing him out, while he spends money on himself, right?

Leave. Now. And be grateful he didn't only start this shit with your money as his own once you were already married.

What good reasons do you have for committing to a future with this man?

I think you will find your answer helps. 'But I love him' won't cut the mustard with a man like your fiance.

I wouldn't why have you spent money you can't afford on a wedding, you must have known he wouldn't have any to contribute!
Did he say he actually wanted the various bit for the wedding that run up these costs?

My best friend was bridesmaid at a wedding where the groom flatly refused to marry her until she sorted out her debt and money issues. I think she thought he was budding but he wasn’t. No proposal came until she eventually sorted it out.

They are now married and she told my friend that she hasn’t sorted it, she just hid it better. She also sold a number of his collectibles they he had in their storage box while he was away for work for a period of time.

My friend and her no longer speak and he will eventually find out when he decides to sell his collection.

he gets so upset about his finances that he can end up in tears.

Clearly not so upset that he can't make them worse by an evening's clubbing. Are you sure this isn't just a device to stop you asking for contributions?

He is telling you who he is and what is important to him. Would he have saved for the house deposit if his dad hadn’t given him money? Why is he uninterested in sharing the cost of the wedding? Why is he able to spend money when he wants to but not when you want him do? He is telling you what his priorities are. You can either put up with the arguments, tears, excuses and bailing him for the rest of your life because he’s not going to improve. You’ll struggle to find money for things that most couples take for granted or you’ll have to accept you’ll shoulder the financial burden of your life together, or you could ditch him and find someone who loves you enough to want to contribute squally to his own wedding. You don’t have a fiancé. You have an entitled, spoiled, manipulative, little brat.

Another one that says postpone at the very minimum the wedding with an ultimatum. At best cancel it, you really really can’t marry this man and his debts, your life will be like this forever if you do.

We see threads like this on mumsnet every single day.