Fiancé won’t help pay for the wedding!

[CambridgeKat25]

Hi, I need some advice on how to move forward on a problem I have with my fiancé. We’re getting married in June and everything is booked and sorted. We’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 1 and a half, and he’s always paid his half of the bills no problem. However, it’s been a consistent problem that he’s always in debt (large credit card bill each month, living from his overdraft, etc).

When we moved in, his father paid our deposit and the rest of the moving budget was covered by me alone - including all furniture and decorating, totalling many thousands of £ from my savings that I’d sacrificed much to earn (I was only 24 and not in a particularly high paid job). He saw his contribution as the large sum put in by his father. I’ve tried to let this slide and have succeeded until now, when financial tensions have re-surfaced due to the wedding.

He’s insistent he has no money, and budget sheets verify this. We earn the same amount, but with his commuting train fare and large debts, he has very little spare income. I accept this and I’m glad my income is slightly more balanced so I can contribute more to house repairs to take the pressure off us.

However, what spare income he does have isn’t coming to me to pay his debt to me. I paid for most of the wedding myself, and I’ve borrowed the rest from my dad. I am now solely paying dad’s loan back by myself, as well as having more final payments looming - plus everything I’ve already spent. On his side, he’s contributed £100 total. It’s upsetting me and the pressure is too much. I’m a freelancer and don’t exactly have loads left over myself. I also sell some graphic design bits online for extra cash. If this carries on, I’ll need a 3rd job as I can’t pay for an entire wedding like this. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

We’ve had 3 or 4 very big discussions about this but nothing changes, even though he understands the implications on me. He says he has no cash, then he’ll impulse transfer me £50 to shut me up - making it obvious he’s now on zero until payday, and blaming me. I don’t see any regular or impulse payments after this happens. If I kept quiet after this, I’d never see another penny. He isn’t prepared to set up a regular payment as he ‘never knows what he’ll have left.’

Tonight he went for a beer with his friends. Fine, I think, he still needs a life and a beer is only £5. Now I find out he’s gone to another city and is clubbing. When this happens, upwards of £50 will be spent. This will be his only spare money the entire month. I also found out when I was away last week he bought 2 takeaways and lots of beer in my absence.

I am furious that I am sacrificing almost all my activities to pay for this wedding and he is doing nothing. I appreciate he is poor at the moment but I assumed he’d want to help any way he could. I want him to have a life and have fun but in a restrained way so we can equally share the burden and rewards. I’ve been endlessly fair and restrained.

I’ve previously given an ultimatum that I will cancel the wedding if he doesn’t try and save up - but his stubbornness and pride means any difficult conversation is just shut down and never brought back up. Ultimatums and threats are useless if he doesn’t listen.

I am completely lost, frustrated, and scared. He’s not like this about anything other than money. Any ideas how I can resolve this without causing the ‘shut down’ we have no matter how understanding I am in conversation?!

Oh, OP, wake up and smell the coffee. It doesn't matter if he's perfect in every other way. His money mis-management will ruin your life. You have now put yourself into debt to pay for the wedding which HE wanted but hasn't paid a penny towards. You've paid everything for the house, contents, maintenance, etc. He is completely taking you for a ride and it won't get better.

You've given him an ultimatum and maybe he can keep it up for a couple of months but longer term? No, he will slide back into his bad habits and drag you down with him. Then when you get divorced he will claim half of everything you have worked so hard for.

What happens if you have children? You'll end up having to work three jobs when you should be on maternity leave because he won't financially support you and there will be no food or nappies for the baby.

Don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy. If you lose what you've paid for the wedding you could still end up better off than if you go through with it. Please do not shackle yourself to this feckless man.

Oh and the way he responds to your genuine concern: puts the TV on, tells you it's not the time, then cries when you force the issue - he is just trying emotional blackmail to manipulate you into dropping the subject and you shouldn't fall for it.

At the moment, you love him so much and you believe that love will conquer all, but time will show you that respect is actually far more important in a relationship. This man has insisted on a bigger wedding than you can afford and has stood by and watched you pay every fucking penny. How can you marry someone with no honour? How can you believe he cares about you?

If you want children, please don't give them this father. You'll end up like me, back to work three days after giving birth, because the man I married decided that all forms of paid work for which he would be considered were beneath him.

Well, OP seems to be long gone - probably to do more wedding planning, while muttering that everyone on MN "just doesn't understand"

I only hope she'll feel able to come back (possibly with a namechange?) when if it all falls apart

I give it three years.

Max.

but aside from finances, he’s genuinely the best partner I could ask for. He works incredibly hard at his job, genuinely cares about me, is completely unselfish and is a really confident, genuine guy.

But finances are massive. Absolutely massive. And that's coming from someone who naturally leans towards being more of a spender, and has to actively keep myself in check.

I honestly think that you need to reconsider the relationship because he seems to be putting you last with his behaviour, but if you don't want to do that, give him a last chance to fix this. Call the wedding off, give him a year to pay off his debts and save a decent amount for the wedding. To prove to you that he can be responsible with his money, and talk to you about it like a grown up. I absolutely hate talking about money but I do it because I have to, to be in a proper relationship with DP.

If he can't show you that, A - the debt is gone, you DO NOT want to start a marriage with someone who has a huge amount of debt that they cannot clear, B - He has a decent amount to put into the wedding, not least to show that he actually wants to marry you and C - He is learning to talk to you about this and not closing you out, I'd go. And I do appreciate that is a tough decision if you love someone, but his behaviour then would be showing that he isn't in the right place for this.

He promised he could pay half, even if it meant taking another job. His intentions seemed great.

Be aware that he's already failed to put his money where his mouth is once. I wouldn't be giving him forever to prove this to you. A year, max.

I have huge sympathy for the OP.

Many years ago I was in a similar situation.

One issue in my relationship with my fiancé and EVERYTHING else was fine.

A few older women advised me to run for the hills but they were overreacting.

And all my eggs were in the "fiancé basket" I was scared to start again and I was socially committed to him, we were engaged, people were excited for us and looking forward to our wedding. I'd be letting so many people down and making a huge public fuss if I cancelled things now. How could our relationship ever recover? I couldn't end things over ONE issue FFS!

I was too young and naive to see how that one issue permeated our whole relationship and affected everything!

I'm now divorced and WISH I'd listened to the wise women.

Why ask for advise and do the opposite.

He is not going to change with this money situation and in your need to grow up so fast you ignored all the alarm bells. 1 thing or 20 things make no difference because it's starts at 1.

He will be this way with children. You just don't want to see it. And thats fine it's your life but I assure you we will see you again in 5 years about what a lazy and selfish fucker he is with money and the children. With the token "but I love him and he is a good dad"

Bollocks to your post you were given amazing advise tales of similar and your setting SO up. Not sure your old enough or mature enough yourself to get married.

Whatever you decide to do, do not ever have a joint bank account. I've been married for over 40 years and we don't. Sadly, I'm the spendthrift. Thanks to DH committing me to a specific set of budget responsibilities, I've been debt free for 20 years. But it was very hard going initially and he cut up a lot of my credit cards.

aside from finances, he’s genuinely the best partner I could ask for.

'aside from shagging everything that moves, he's genuinely the best partner I could ask for'

There's not much difference between those two statements OP.

But there is really no point in talking to you about it. You want your wedding. You want things to go to The Plan. Ok!

Bookmark this thread, you'll definitely be coming back to it in the not too distant future.

I'd cancel the wedding and get as much money back as possible. You will lose money but it isn't going to be as bad as going ahead with this and then ending up in a divorce situation.
If you want to stay with him - then fine - but he needs to prove that he is going to shape up otherwise you are going to have a lifetime of financial problems and he will drag you down with him.

Personally I think he sounds like a cocklodger and I lived with two of those before splitting with both so I have some experience of cocklodging behaviour.
He's quite happy to spend 50 quid on going out or lots of money on takeaway and beer but makes you feel guilty when he transfers 50 quid to you. That's cocklodging.

Who is thinking that if he thought op was The One these debts would have been paid years ago and op wouldn’t be asking for his half of the wedding

I don’t even see how this man could possibly be a generous and wonderful partner. How’s he generous when you’re paying for everything? How’s he wonderful when he’s spending money he doesn’t have on frivolities whilst you pick up the tab for needs, whilst he makes demands eg massive wedding and you pay for it? Whilst you pay the mortgage, decoration and furnishing and repay his loan to his dad for your house back?

You’re paying for everything, whilst he’s dictating how everything should be.

What does he do that is actually generous and lovely partner about it?

Obviously I'm not the only one that thinks the OP won't come back. But I've rarely read a thread on AIBU where the answers are almost all exactly the same!

If by any chance the OP is still reading these messages, I would urge her to talk to someone NOW - a parent, sibling, auntie, friend, whatever - someone who truly has her best interests at heart. Don't gloss over the issue of money, show them this thread, say EXACTLY how you feel about it, and then see what they say. If you were my DD then I would tell you to postpone the wedding and get everything else sorted first. A wedding is easily cancelled, a marriage is not.

I still think the best thing you can do, if you are determined to go ahead, is to push him to get a (much) better paid, cheaper commute job. Giving you £100 per month isn't going to resolve your problem long term. It sounds as though he just doesn't earn enough to support the lifestyle he wants (from your description of proposal and wedding). He also needs to be in a position to support you financially if you go on maternity leave in the future since as a freelancer you will not get much maternity pay. If you are determined to stick with him help him find better jobs to apply for that will give him a big increase in salary, or good opportunities for promotion.

I know you don't want to hear what people are saying to you because it's harsh and breaking up is not what you want to do but they're saying it because they've either lived it themselves or they've seen others go through this. Someone who is so poor with money at this age is unlikely to suddenly see the light and become responsible overnight. Even after you've spoken to him and spelt it out to him he's still only paying you lip service. He wants YOU to sort x, y and z out. Where is HIS commitment to sorting this out because I can't see it?

There is no future with this guy unless you are prepared to accept that he will always be crap with money and you're going to have slave away with 2 or 3 jobs to overcompensate for his financial short comings. This is not the basis for a good marriage. In fact it sounds like a slow motion car crash waiting to happen.

I've been where you are and I understand it's tough deciding to leave. But I can honestly say it was the best decision I ever made. At our worst point I was in a very low paid temping job, where as he was earning fairly good money. He would get paid each Friday but by Saturday morning it was all gone. Hundreds and hundreds of pounds gone on drinking, gambling and a night out. I was having to support us on £180 a week which had to cover all food, fuel, living costs etc. It was hell and I was so stressed at having to be the responsible one. My car kept overheating and breaking down and I couldn't afford to repair it because I had no money. He kept doing bodge jobs on it to keep it on the road and it only passed its MOT because his dad ran a dodgy garage and passed it each time. In the end he did me a favour and cheated on me and that was the excuse I needed to end our 5 year relationship. I then met my dh who is an amazing person and very responsible with money. My life is so different with him and I never have to worry about money or bailing someone out. My ex ended up marrying a lovely lady who subsequently divorced him a few years later partly due to his issues with money. A leopard doesn't change its spots.

Why should he try..? He can still get himself a wife🙄. Men like this have absolutely no incentive to change from being tight-fisted irresponsible so n so's because a woman, somewhere, will always take them on for the sake of love.

If you're considering broke life for the sake of him then I presume there must be something good about him. Maybe focus on that and have a talk. Whilst doing so you could also perhaps consider you'll be inflicting broke life on your children as well, for the sake of one man.

I think you should book some counselling. But not financial counselling for him, he needs to do that.

I think you need to book it for yourself to see why you would expect so little for yourself. You deserve so much more than running yourself ragged for someone who makes the minimum of effort to shut you up.

I’m guessing your family background isn’t great, because otherwise you wouldn’t be clinging to this man so tightly. I think you haven’t been given the love you need and have always tried your hardest to fix things.

I know it seems like everything is booked and you can’t back out now, that you’d be letting everyone down, but I want you to find you and your needs. You shouldn’t have been grateful he offered £100 a month, you should have been furious that he thinks your worth that little.
Forget about everyone’s expectations. Do you really want to live your life feeling bitter and resentful? Because that is where you’ll end up.

The money you’ve spent on the wedding is gone. Think of it as your “freedom tax”. I never got back the £1000s my ex took off me, but I’m so glad I never tied myself financially to him through marriage that it’s a small price to pay for my freedom.

*you’re

Oh and the reason I left my financially crap ex. I was at his mums house and she’d just decorated her bathroom and I was complimenting it. I’ll never forget her look and tone of bitterness when she said, “I’m 55 and I could only afford to decorate with cheap tat so found at the pound shop.” (Ex’s dad was similarly financially poor).
She looked so defeated and bitter, and I realised if so stayed with her son that would be me in 30 years time.

I couldn’t do that to myself. I’d put up with each moment in the moment ( no birthday gifts coz he was broke, scrimping and saving while he blew the little we had in the pub, rarely going out etc), but in that moment I saw all the years of misery stretched out in front of me and it was hell.

OP, you’re thinking of the wedding. Please look at a the years of these moments over and over, being grateful for the crumbs he gives you and never being secure. You can’t fix this with more effort on your part.
I hope you see this.

Look up sunk cost fallacy. The wedding money had gone, that doesn’t mean you have to go through with it.

I’d say the OP has buggered off to Egypt where she’s happily living in denial

This marriage is a mistake for all the reasons given by the wise women above. Deep down you KNOW this. Its very sad that you have such low self worth you are prepared to accept this person as your life partner. I would bet you my house that your marriage will not last.

You cannot fix him, but like countless other women, you seem to think you can ( and I include myself in this) I think though if Mumsnet had been around when I got married and I had posted I would have listened to all the sensible advice.

Its sad that you won't

I think though if Mumsnet had been around when I got married and I had posted I would have listened to all the sensible advice.

I really doubt that. It's a nice idea though.

This hundred quid a month for the wedding that he was badgered into paying - the problem is he has now (in his mind) transferred all his responsibilities to make thoughtful financial decisions, plan for the future and take the OP into account into a DEBT.

And we know how he regards debts - inevitable, never to be dealt with, things you push to the back of your mind. He doesn't respect the people he owes money to, and he certainly doesn't think he has an obligation to pay them back as quickly as possible. It's just...debt. Unavoidable, don't look directly at it debt.

By paying a hundred quid a month he is absolving himself of having to make real change - now YOU can do all of the tedious budgeting, planning and balancing thst goes into a wedding and he can just get on with spending whatever money he has as fast as possible.

I don't think you're really listening.No doubt you will post in the future about how your husband has put you into high debt.

Reading through this thread, something has really struck me OP.
You say that he is kind and thoughtful etc.. and its only in finances that he is hopeless.. but think about this.

How can he really be in love with you, if he cannot see how he is making you suffer with this financial situation. He cannot be blind to your constant worry over finances and when you said you didn't think you could afford the lavish wedding he wanted HE DID NOT LISTEN TO YOU but left it to you to try find a way to make it happen for him - just as he wanted - without any effort on his part in the financial department.
He has sat back and watched you pay for moving costs, furniture, repairs etc.. and borrow money to pay for the wedding and when you finally want to talk to him about it.. he turns up the TV, refuses to talk and shouts at you.

How is that love. He can see you are suffering but he's not prepared to really do anything about it, how can he watch you going through this day after day and not be aware of how this is affecting you.
He knows you had depression. If he was as good as you say at helping you, then how is he not seeing what this is doing to you.
Believe me, a marriage will bring many more challenges than this, but if at the very start your needs and happiness are less important than his or invisable to him, then where will you get the strenght to survive the difficult times?
I really do feel for you OP. Postpone the wedding, say it is costing too much and you need to do a bit more saving and no one will bat an eye lid / I think EL2019 had a good point about finding someone to talk to about this.
Take a day out or a weekend out and spend some time alone thinking very seriously about all of this. Get some support from your family if you can.