Fiancé won’t help pay for the wedding!

[CambridgeKat25]

Hi, I need some advice on how to move forward on a problem I have with my fiancé. We’re getting married in June and everything is booked and sorted. We’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 1 and a half, and he’s always paid his half of the bills no problem. However, it’s been a consistent problem that he’s always in debt (large credit card bill each month, living from his overdraft, etc).

When we moved in, his father paid our deposit and the rest of the moving budget was covered by me alone - including all furniture and decorating, totalling many thousands of £ from my savings that I’d sacrificed much to earn (I was only 24 and not in a particularly high paid job). He saw his contribution as the large sum put in by his father. I’ve tried to let this slide and have succeeded until now, when financial tensions have re-surfaced due to the wedding.

He’s insistent he has no money, and budget sheets verify this. We earn the same amount, but with his commuting train fare and large debts, he has very little spare income. I accept this and I’m glad my income is slightly more balanced so I can contribute more to house repairs to take the pressure off us.

However, what spare income he does have isn’t coming to me to pay his debt to me. I paid for most of the wedding myself, and I’ve borrowed the rest from my dad. I am now solely paying dad’s loan back by myself, as well as having more final payments looming - plus everything I’ve already spent. On his side, he’s contributed £100 total. It’s upsetting me and the pressure is too much. I’m a freelancer and don’t exactly have loads left over myself. I also sell some graphic design bits online for extra cash. If this carries on, I’ll need a 3rd job as I can’t pay for an entire wedding like this. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, but it’s nice to get this off my chest.

We’ve had 3 or 4 very big discussions about this but nothing changes, even though he understands the implications on me. He says he has no cash, then he’ll impulse transfer me £50 to shut me up - making it obvious he’s now on zero until payday, and blaming me. I don’t see any regular or impulse payments after this happens. If I kept quiet after this, I’d never see another penny. He isn’t prepared to set up a regular payment as he ‘never knows what he’ll have left.’

Tonight he went for a beer with his friends. Fine, I think, he still needs a life and a beer is only £5. Now I find out he’s gone to another city and is clubbing. When this happens, upwards of £50 will be spent. This will be his only spare money the entire month. I also found out when I was away last week he bought 2 takeaways and lots of beer in my absence.

I am furious that I am sacrificing almost all my activities to pay for this wedding and he is doing nothing. I appreciate he is poor at the moment but I assumed he’d want to help any way he could. I want him to have a life and have fun but in a restrained way so we can equally share the burden and rewards. I’ve been endlessly fair and restrained.

I’ve previously given an ultimatum that I will cancel the wedding if he doesn’t try and save up - but his stubbornness and pride means any difficult conversation is just shut down and never brought back up. Ultimatums and threats are useless if he doesn’t listen.

I am completely lost, frustrated, and scared. He’s not like this about anything other than money. Any ideas how I can resolve this without causing the ‘shut down’ we have no matter how understanding I am in conversation?!

Dear God! You're 25 and think the best you can do for life is some guy who's still on the maturity level of a 17-year-old mired in debt whom you have to pay to marry.

I don't know whether this is correct or not so please mumnetters chip in if you know...
Can you be held 50% responsible for his debt that he has accrued? If it goes to baliffs and if your married, can you argue between single owned stuff / joint marriage stuff or can baliffs take your furniture to pay off his debt.
Please check this because it would be awful for you

You are an absolute fool if you marry this manchild. You seriously cant be so desperate just to be married because I cannot think of any other reason a smart person would even consider their future with such a loser.

Please go and talk to your parents or a trusted friend, tell them everything and really listen to the response.

I had baliffs come to my house twice for my recent ex's debt (we were married).
Luckily I had proof that we'd been separated for a period of time but otherwise they could have taken mine and my children's belongings

How the hell much debt is he in, if he got the debt at 18 and is now 27 and it's still huge,,,and he is still a grand over drawn every month. And how can he have 150 in savings if he's a grand over drawn monthly? He's still living on borrowed money,

And how can he give you a hundred quid a month? He doesn't have it. He's just borrowing it to give to you, making the debt worse.

I can see you're going to marry him anyway and I can only wish you the best of luck. And remind you a wedding is not about rhe one day. It's about a marriage. What you're taking on to carry is appalling. Especially when there is no need to marry. I can see why he would want to. But why you're doing this is mind boggling.

I've suffered from depression in the past and I ignored his ultimatums to get counselling. I made his life a misery for a good year or more and he stuck with it, despite it not looking promising to ever get better. Thank goodness he didn't give up on me when it was the other way around!

Jesus fucking Christ OP. Depression isn't a choice, being feckless with money is.

Something tells me you just want to wear that pretty white dress alot more than you want to face up to the fact you've royally cocked up agreeing to marry this man.

Too late as everything is paid for now - not just deposits

Not true; you'll lose the deposits but you can get the rest of the money back if you cancel in advance I think?

Please do not marry this financial black hole.

You'll still be able to get some money back if you cancel now, even at this stage. Whatever you think it'll cost to call off the wedding will pale into comparison with how much it could cost to separate in a few years' time.

Show him you're serious about holding him to his commitment by postponing the wedding for a year. Realistically, how much can he turn his life around between now and June? Between now and next June is a fairer timeframe for you both.

It's really not as hard to postpone a wedding as you'd think.

So you lose the cost of the wedding. That's horrible and I feel for you. But it's sunk costs fallacy, because the real cost of this wedding is not photographers and flowers and venue hire. It's MUCH higher. It's your wrecked credit score because you're married to somebody with awful credit. It's the "maintenance cost" of paying for two people plus any children all yourself, while he pisses his money up a wall. It's the regular bail outs, and if you're really stupid, the debts your will take on in his name that he will never pay you back for. It's the lost opportunity to invest in your property or pension that will screw you over long term. It's the long term being skint despite being good with money yourself, because you're married to a manchild cretin who has no intention of learning budgeting and becoming even remotely financially responsible. It's the cost of your mental health and putting yourself right when you eventually realise what a deep shit situation you're in, when he's mined you for every penny, then probably left you because you're value to him is at best partially as financial provider.

Honestly. The sunk cost of the wedding is tiny, compared to the real cost of marrying this man.

This is why he gives up and buys takeaways and beer - he doesn't see a way out now

And goes clubbing when he feels like it. Aye that's why he does it.

Have you ever sat down and looked at his debt? How much it is, the interest rates? How overdraft costs? Credit cards etc? And why it's so high nine years later?

And yes, you'd only lose your deposits. That's a lot less than you'd lose if you go through with it it seems to me you are set on the wedding, not thinking of the marriage and the repercussions.

It's a stupid thing to do, we've all said it. We aren't saying it for fun, we are trying to help you!

And please don't take this the wrong way, but having looked at his accounts and seen how little he had, don't you think it would make more sense to have persuaded him to set up a £100/month DD into a savings account/debt repayment scheme, instead of making him spunk another £2500 on cake and food, thus delaying his financial recovery by another two years?

You don't need to get married. But if you want a future with this man he needs to get his debt paid off.

My SIL married a similar type of man. She was bankrupt and homeless by the time they divorced a few years later.

Op, you’ve had some really good advice on this thread. It’s so much cheaper and easier to cancel a wedding than to get divorced. Please don’t marry someone who will ruin you financially.

A lot of people have picked up on the fact that he's not making the appointment with the debt councillor himself and wants you to do it for him.

Ha ha if I wasn’t sat down I would be falling down ,
So you want to talk about his money problems
So first of all he put the telly on louder to shut you up
Then he tried to shut you down by who shouting
Then when he realised that ffs nothing is going to shut you up I better really up my game and start crying and give her something otherwise the rest of the night is a fuck up and I want to watch the tv .

So he sobs , cry’s a bit looks all pitiful and you fall for it.

He’s thinking well I offered her £50 last time so this time I better give a bit more to shut her up
so it’s March now and you are getting married in June so he has maybe 3 /4 months of paying what £400 That’s the bargain of the year for him.
He saw you coming love & WTF ypu GRATEFULLY accepted his £100 a month payment towards the wedding I would keep that and put it towards the inevitable divorce because you will need it .

And of course you got on great the rest of the night - he’s shut you right up for at least 3months so no more naggIng from you .Result He’s happy and so are you until the next time
Personally I couldn’t find anything less attractive than a crying man child but I guess some woman do .
And direct debits / standing orders can be cancelled as soon as they are set up

Most wedding suppliers if it's cancelled with 3 months notice you'll get back all but the deposit, some it's 2 months, some it's 1 month. Depends on the contracts you have with them. CHECK THESE! ASAP so that you KNOW how much time you can give him to "shape up"

That said, I too think you're still being foolish.

Agree with pp the VERY LEAST he can do is:

pick up the phone and make the debt counselling appointment

Write down in black and white ALL his debts and the interest rates

Write down in black and white his guaranteed monthly income (no overtime, bonuses etc) and his ESSENTIAL outgoings (this can include a SMALL amount for socialising but really the debt must take priority) in preparation for the counselling appointment

I too think it's highly likely there's debt/expenditure he's not telling you about.

Superbly put LeesPosters, and as CardiganB said, there's no way of assessing any real change in just 3 months in any case

I guess we can all only hope that OP takes this on board. If not, at least Mumsnet will still be here for when the consequences start rolling in ...

OP, you don't have to leave him or give up on him. But ffs do not marry him. That is a legal contract that you do not want to be in. Take the pressure off by cancelling the wedding. Then see the financial counsellor.

Mumsnet posters gave me the confidence and strength I needed to finally issue a strong ultimatum that stuck. Your advice worked. I'm not signing myself up to a lifetime of debt as I'm going to walk away unless he shows me that he wants to sort it out and if I believe it. Last night was a breakthrough we've never previously reached

For £300 (March, April, May payments of his direct debit) he will have you tied to debts of thousands.

No wonder he was all cuddly and loving.

He is laughing at how gullible you are.

Do you honestly think you are going to get £100 per month after you have married.

If he isn’t paying an extra £100 per month on top of his monthly payments that are servicing his debts and he his only savings is £150 in the 9 years he has been working where is this £100 per month going to come from.

A fool and his money are soon parted.

You might think you are financially responsible but in this case you are the fool.

OP, I'm sorry to say you are a fool if you marry this man-child.

You don't sound old enough to me to be getting married. I think you need to think long and hard about why you are prepared to spend your life with this loser who in all probability will drag you down with him before exploiting your assets.

Interesting he wanted the big wedding and has helped organise it but is only now, shortly before the wedding, agreeing to pay a tiny sum towards it.

These are not the circumstances in which you should get married. People get married when they are emotionally and financially prepared to merge their lives. You two are blatantly not ready for this step.

If your wedding guests know about your situation they will be speculating on how long the marriage will last.

If sharing costs 50:50 is what you want need and expect in your relationship you will never have this if you go ahead in the basis that you pick up the slack.....

If you hope to stay at home with children one day your op suggests that that will be a hope too far.

Postpone the wedding while you decide. June is too soon either way.

Marriage is intended to be permanent and is not easily undone.

Weddings are a good way of testing if you are really a team first.

You two are not working as a team who want the same things in the same timeframes at the moment.

You can if you wish get married later when you truly share your goals and commitment to them x

The rest of the night we got on brilliantly, cuddling and both more cheerful. He's asked me to book it ASAP

Jesus wept op, do you really think a cuddle has solved all? You are deluded if you think this freeloader is going to change his ways. You have been advised by loads of posters to get out now while you have the chance. Going through with the wedding will be a huge mistake and will put you in an extremely financially unstable position. Cut your losses now and run. Whatever has been paid towards the wedding is worth losing to get rid of this excuse of a man who cannot as much as make a bloody phone call to try to sort his own debt, but expects you to do it for him.

Bailing out of the wedding you have planned now will cost you less than divorcing this loser.

He's NOT GOING TO CHANGE. He can't even make a sodding phone call FGS. He's not going to stick at this.

Cancel, get as much money as you can back, and if he's paid back his debts you can have a £400 registry office wedding then. And I'll come and eat my fucking hat if that ever happens.

You are clearly going ahead with this. Please remember When you marry him your assets become his, and his debts become yours.
I know you love him, as you are clearly showing it by economising to pay to move intogether, paying for a wedding etc. He is telling you he loves you, but how is showing this? Yes he supported you with MH issues, which is amazing. What changed in his life so he could support you? What did he give up or didn’t do? Was he home every night to make sure you were ok? Talk to you, help you get counselling? Or did you do this for yourself? If he really did proactively help, and I sincerely hope he did, then You stand a chance, we all have different strengths and weaknesses. If you stay, You’re probably going to have to take control of all finances op, he’s had 10 years to sort out finances and he’s not done it. Be clear, he’s not doing it now you are. If he’ll let you run the finances, and you’re ok with this, it might work. Good luck

If he’ll let you run the finances, and you’re ok with this, it might work

No it won’t because once he has unburdened himself from all this debt and mental load and op has over loaded herself with all the problems whilst working 3 jobs to pay everything off.
He will feel free to party and run up even more debt and it won’t be with op.