Does he need to know.

[Discodoc101]

Okay so I’ve NC for this.

Just over six years ago I had a drunken ONS. I was in a really bad place at the time and someone I knew through work gave me a lot of attention, flirty banter, just made me feel good about myself and we went too far. The problem was that it was at a work do and I became the talk of the place. Soon my DH found out and confronted me. I basically denied everything - shut down conversations about it. I’m not proud of this but I knew it would never happen again and I didn’t want to risk my marriage and my family for a stupid mistake. We had a bad few months but things gradually turned a corner and our life felt like it was back on track.

Anyway, my DH is moving offices and was storing some boxes in our garage. I noticed a few family photos and was having a look when I came across a folder. In the folder were transcripts of online counselling he had undergone with Relate and a journal that he has kept for meetings with another counsellor. This all relates to my ONS and the fact that he thinks I’ve lied about it ever since. It was years ago!!!

The problem is that some of these counselling sessions were still taking place in November and the stuff in the journal is awful - my behaviour has Destroyed him and he never lets on.

I just want this to go away but I wonder, after all this time, should I come clean? Would it make it better for him if he knew the truth? If anyone has any experience of a situation like this I’d love to know.

This might seem like more witch criticism & moral outrage but it's not intended to be; I'm wondering if you actually do (of at least did) love him and might not be quite as devastated as you think if the marriage dies end. You're horrified at having no power, you're not making the decision, bug maybe it's not so 'wrong' for you.

• ignore witch (I was going to say witch hunting, but realised it was the wrong term).

*does end

OP I’m so sorry- it is quite bad - not just the deceit and betrayal- but using his concern for your marriage to make a mug of him.
Right now his emotions are going to be pretty intense. He felt wretched about doubting you, but you maximised that and turned it to your advantage.
You have finally done the right thing - and perhaps he will appreciate that in time. But you could not have gone on - having onto a balloon that could have burst ten years from now and destroyed him completely.
It’s right that he knew about the flirting before your ONS isn’t it? ouch!
I hope that your fidelity since will mean something too. I don’t think you are a bad person but you ended your relationship when you spent months backing him into a corner. You will have a new relationship now, but whether together or seperate it will at least be authentic - something we all deserve.

I agree with that, Dadaist. I hope that realisation brings OP peace too.

Wow - can't quite believe the turn this has taken. You've actually managed to persuade him that he was living a lie by having counselling, and that he betrayed you by talking about to the counsellor?!

You really are a piece of work...

I think you need to tell him, whatever happens if you tell him now will be minor compared to the fallout if this goes on another 6 years.
Come clean, apologise and explain why you didn't tell him.

Just read your update, I don't think you can really say your husband seeing a councillor was a betrayal... you messed with his head, you are lucky he didn't have a full on breakdown, why shouldn't he have seen one. You sound like you're in denial about how much pain you've caused.

Wow, that poor man. He’s been lied to for years, and then manipulated to believe that his doubts and insecurities were the really reason for problems in the marriage. Ever decision you’ve made here has been for your benefit.

Have to say, if he was a friend of mine, I’d be asking him why he’s staying.

Op you do realise that none of this would have happened if you haven’t had your affair/fling.

You can’t put this back on him and say he’s been living a lie by having councillimg and not telling you it feels like you’re blaming him, ir at least putting some of your guilt on him. Poor bloke

I Ishtar be wrong but I thibk those who felt that you had both lied had not realised that you had repeatedly denied it for months and he had said how he felt for months.

Oh dear what a mess!

Can suggest counselling to him but it really could be the end and tbh you should be the one to leave the house if comes to it. He has a point of not having to leave his home due to your betrayal.

It could be salvageable but that’s years of lies and upset, I personally could not get over it but that’s not to say others do not. Some find a way to a stronger marriage.

Let him lead what happens next, don’t pressure him and be ready to leave if he cannot see a way forward.

If my DH had a drunken ONS and felt sufficiently shitty enough to ensure that there would never be a repeat of such behaviour, then I'd thank him not to blow our family apart with his 'truth'.

Whereas I would rather be told. I can't imagine anything worse that believing you were in a loving, monogamous relationship only for the other person to be keeping a secret of this magnitude from you.

I wouldn't want to have sex or be intimate in any way with someone who had cheated on me.

I think she did the right thing and I also think that Gina2012 is projecting massively.

What should he have done? Spent the last 6 years badgering her? Telling her he knew the truth and why couldn't she just admit it? He tried to believe her and behave decently and respectfully by seeking counselling and dealing with it himself. All of which was only necessary because the OP intentionally and consistently lied to him.

I can't fathom the mental gymnastics required to make this his fault in any way whatsoever!

I can't believe you said he was living a lie too. Talk about twisting the knife while trying to save your own skin.

Your best chance to save your marriage is to fully acknowledge all your mistakes and stop trying to accuse him of anything.

Okay, when I posted earlier it was in response to some posters who suggested my DH was lying as well. I don’t see any parity in him going to see a counsellor and my ONS.

THE POINT IS THAT I WAS A COWARD. When he confronted me about the ONS I reacted in a way that I thought would save our marriage and once you’ve gone down that road it’s hard to turn around. I knew there was no physical evidence so it was my word against the rumours and I totally abused his trust by insisting nothing happened and that he should believe me.

Had I known about the impact this has had on him or the counselling I would have confessed much sooner but I didn’t even know he thought about it anymore - not until I saw the journal. I’m not looking for sympathy, but I did not intend suggesting that him secretly seeking help for my mistake was the same as me lying about the ONS.

This is what you said:
I’ve spoken to him again about some of this. I’ve pointed out that he was living a lie as well and he accepts that and did believe that discussing our life with a counsellor without my knowledge was also some form of betrayal

and then you said about him telling you that you'd said his moodiness and refusal to let this go was impacting on the marriage.

I think you're in full self-preservation mode and you'll keep doing that at all costs. I don't know what else to say really as I don't think I'm a nice person at all but I'd not do this, not try to tie my husband up in knots and self-doubt when I was the one in the wrong.

I think you're the queen of obfuscation and I don't think you're even telling the truth now, Discodoc. It's up to you, it's your marriage. The kindest thing you could do is put him straight about his right to counselling without your knowledge - and leave him alone to sort out what he wants to do now.

The point in paragraph two was made 6 years ago

You have dripfed here holding back little things such as making it sound like things were just awkward and unsaid for those few months after to then giving more detail that he did say he still suspected in that time too.

It might be your memory, it might be self preservation but either way you’re holding back and your here talking to strangers on the internet so even if we say some harsh or judgemental things, we don’t know you. Even here you’re holding back to people who have no impact in your daily life.

I think it shows that you may not be being completely honest about things to DH and even yourself.

This happened to me on a smaller scale with an ex who was having at least an emotional affair with someone else whilst she was seeing me, I've no idea if it became physical but had my suspicions - it only went on for the final month of our relationship before she dumped me presumably for the other guy. Every time I asked about it she shut me down and essentially made me doubt everything. I felt like shit for 24 hours a day and my anxiety was off the charts.

It affected me massively, as another poster pointed out it destroys your self-esteem, makes you wonder that the om has that you don't and does feel like a death in the family.

It took me the best part of 6 months to get past it and we had only been seeing each other for a similar amount of time. It took therapy for me too and I'm still haven't it such was pain and effect it had on me. I think that if she had just ended it rather than do what she did in the final month I would have felt a bit sad but gotten over it much easier, when you are betrayed and lied to it has a real effect on your wellbeing.

I have not intentionally drip fed - I’m trying to process six years of screwing up our lives into a few posts. I haven’t tried to hide anything, I haven’t tried to present myself in a way to gain sympathy and I certainly haven’t got any.

Six years ago I did a stupid, thoughtless thing and I then compounded it by lying about it and shutting down the conversation. It was cowardly but I did it because I wanted to protect my marriage and my family. I didn’t think there would be any kind of long term impact on my DH. When I found out I told the truth.

I knew coming on here I would get destroyed and I deserve it, to those of you that gave advice - thankyou. To those of you who have come on here to tell me that I’m a worthless slut who put her own desires above her family - you’re preaching to the choir!!

Jesus I think OP has been pretty honest can’t exactly say entire 6 years in one post!

Obviously OP hadn’t been a saint and sadly I think will be end of the marriage but to start accusing of drip feeding is abit much!

Don’t take notice OP you were wrong, you know it - but you have now done the right thing and need to accept the consequences.

Yes DH could have pushed more but OP would have denied more, the minute she saw the pain it was causing she sought help and was honest.

No need to start blaming the husband or making OP feel even fecking worse 🙄

Op, I hear your pain. You made a stupid mistake, you thought to keep it to yourself was best. You thought you’d left it in the past. You found out you hadn’t so you owned it. Hard but you did it. I feel your oh pain... he’s lost his entire life, all his certainty. If you came on here at the point you fucked op you’d get a 50/50 don’t tell him. I have no idea to the outcome but I wish you luck and hope it works out...

I’ve pointed out that he was living a lie as well and he accepts that and did believe that discussing our life with a counsellor without my knowledge was also some form of betrayal

Are you joking? How is him trying to work through his 'doubts' a betrayal? He had an inkling and he was right. You have absolutely no right whatsoever to say this was a betrayal. You have ruined him. I can't get over how you are still making this amount you.

Read it again - he used the word betrayal - not me. I told him he was being ridiculous when he said it. I was responding to other posts who equated his lies as somehow similar to mine. I was trying to show that I disagreed with them

Please, please do the right thing and set him free. He deserves so much more. He will never be able to trust you again. You ruined your marriage six years ago.

He deserves to be happy, and he will never be that with you. He will always doubt you. He will always be heartbroken. You are a stranger to him.

You did something wrong six years ago, do something right now - not for you - for him