Unplanned second pregnancy, don't know how or if to tell Dp.

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Names changed as a few people in real life know my user name.

We have one Dc who's only 5 months. I'm ebf and not had a period yet and I've found out today I'm pregnant. I'm devastated, really not ready for another baby and I can't believe it, we've been using condoms every time we've had sex and with a tiny baby it's not like it's been often.

I've told Dp I'm not feeling too well so I'm hiding upstairs. I'm really not sure how he'll take it and I'm not sure what I even want to do, so don't know if I should say anything yet.
We've discussed having another in a very general way and he didn't seem overly bothered for another really and neither was I. Honestly I imagined us probably only having one, maybe two but definitely not this close.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I guess just because I can't talk to anyone in real life and I'm just trying to think things through and stop myself from crying.

He definitely did @Smotheroffive. I'd have noticed if not and he always put one on straight away and he checked afterwards.
And I trust him to say if he'd slipped up one time, he's as baffled as I am!

Thank you all though. I'm still very unsure it's mostly comes down to not wanting to be pregnant again!
I've looked into work and so long as I go back even if for a day, I can go on mat leave again but my job be kept open. Won't get enhanced mat pay but should get mat allowances. Money's ok, we can easily manage just on Dp's wage. We can't afford for him to take longer off though and me go back, he earns too much more than me and has opportunity for paid overtime too.

We have family support and help with childcare. But asking to look after two would be a big ask, I think. Dp said he thinks his parents would do so happily though and his mum doesn't work and his dad is semi retired.

Practically we're ok. We've looked at money and we're ok, we could afford some outside help in the early days if needed, cleaner or Ds a few days in nursery/childminder. Dp would take 4 weeks off initially and both mine and Dp's mum would help I know that.
I think my career would be easy to get back on track and Dp said maybe this way is better, I go back part time after baby 2 like I'd planned after Ds and then they'll both get too school and I'll be able to go back full time and focus on my career. Dp can be a bit flexible hours wise so he could do drop off/pick ups once at school, plus sure his parents would help.

He's saying it's obviously my choice but I know he'd rather us keep it. All his suggestions are based around making it easier to do so. He'd be supportive either way though.

Dp says he'd definitely like another though, where as I'm maybe more u sure if I would. He said he'll go get the snip after if I decide to go ahead with this one.

And although I know he'll support my decision. Now I know he'd rather us keep it, it's making it harder for me to think clearly. I know he's not trying to influence me, he probably thinks he's reassuring me so I can feel like we can keep it.
But he's thinking of ways to make it work and looking at what money we've got saved, suggesting we look into getting married sooner than we'd planned and all that.
And I keep having to remind myself and him that I'm not sure I want to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Does that make sense? That's why I wanted to think before I said anything and I think I should have given myself a bit longer really.

I'm assuming you've already told him you're unsure. Maybe suggest you don't talk about it any more for a few days (if that would help you)? After all, if you are going to continue the pregnancy it's unlikely you actually need to arrange anything this early.

Would how many weeks you are influence your decision? You could arrange a consultation with whoever your termination provider is, where they'll scan and date you. Assuming there is no other way for you to find out (not sure if your GP can or would refer you to an EPU for that as you don't have any health concerns about pregnancy).

I think I'd only consider a medical abortion @Dirtybadger. So that's effected by how far along I am.
I've booked a consultation at a clinic for next week. I said on the phone I didn't know how far along I was and they said they'd confirm that so I know my options. I'm presuming they'll be very discreet with the scan and we won't actually see anything. I consider just booking a private scan but imagine they'd be likely to show you the 'baby' and I felt uncomfortable booking it but saying please don't.
An abortion clinic obviously know you're considering your options so it's different.

He knows I'm unsure. I think he's trying to be helpful by showing me we'll be ok if I do want to keep it.

They shouldnt show you the scan. If they scan you and you're 15 weeks and then and there know you won't be considering a termination, you can usually request the scan image.

I presumed so @Dirtybadger. It's a consultation first anyway so I'm guessing they'll go through that with me. I said on the phone I was quite unsure so they suggested talking it through with them first.

Dp knows I've got an appointment, but I think I'm going to ask him to just drop me off and then he can look after Ds. Not sure yet though.

Have you actually done a test? Maybe one of those that give you a rough timeline?

I've done four @PaleRider1. Firstly bought a pack of two cheap ones as it was just a make sure I'm not before having the coil fitted, the nurse recommended it as if not had a period at all. Both were positive but thought I better get a better one to be sure which was also positive. Then got the how many weeks one which said 3+.

When I told Dp he said shall we get another test to be sure. I said I've done four and as much as I'd love all four to be wrong I don't think that's very likely.

I just wanted to say I've been there and completely understand what you're going through at the moment. I found out I was pregnant again when my first was 5 months too. I will say that the whole pregnancy went by in a bit of a blur and I really didn't enjoy it much (completely different to my first pregnancy which I loved every minute of). The first year was tough but now they are 1 and 2 and it's the best thing that ever happened to us. We're not planning any more so I can (hopefully!) say goodbye to the baby days and concentrate on the stages they're at now.

I worried a lot about the practicalities too and went back to work for a couple of months and then ended up getting made redundant immediately before going on my second maternity leave. So the past couple of years have shown me that you never know what's around the corner and you just deal with it in whatever way you can do for the best.

I feel like I got to experience a lot more of my first child's early childhood because I was back on maternity leave again so soon. And now I'm about to embark on a bit of a change of career and with part time hours and am looking forward to it after focussing on babies so much for the past couple of years.

You may or make the same decision as us, and I'm sure whatever you decide will be the right decision for your family. From someone who knows exactly how you feel, I just wanted to reassure you that if you do decide to go ahead with this pregnancy, there are lots of good sides to having 2 close together.

O God, op, you're in such a tough situation. Fwiw, I fell pregnant when my eldest was 3 months.

I had no real thoughts on aborting but spent most of my pregnancy thinking "oh fuck, what have I done"

In some ways the pregnancy was easier. Ds1 still napped twice a day, even when ds2 was born. In other ways, I didn't have stretch marks with my first but now I do.

My two are now one and two (youngest is 14m), they both nap together at lunch time and it all seems relatively ok. I quite enjoy it.

That said. My friends toddlers all seem to get much more quality time and get to do things like go swimming, do painting,etc. I obviously have two ages to cater for.

It was physically easier lugging a baby round while pregnant than a kicking, tantrumming toddler though.

Either way, the decision will be the right decision for you.

@funnystory actually, you make a fair point. It's felt like a two year maternity leave which has been lovely with my eldest. We have the same age kids

Your DP sounds very supportive, OP, which is exactly as it should be.
The thing that stood out in his plans though, was how much he was volunteering the DGPs into doing, without their knowledge or consent.
It's very difficult to make an informed choice based on this - it could be that they will step up, exactly as predicted based on x1 DC, but they won't necessarily want to do so much for x2. What will you do if they can't or don't want to deal with x2 at once? They've not had to do the childcare for x1 yet, you have no idea how that will pan out. I appreciate that you do not want to tell the DGPs at the moment! But please be careful that this doesn't become a 'my PILS have changed their minds about helping us with childcare' scenario in a couple of years time.

Thank you @funnystory and @Prusik. It's good to hear how others felt about a similar experience.
I just keep thinking how the fuck! It's not like we've been at it all that much, seen as we've got a 5 month old.
Dp seems to have got used to the idea pretty quick. But I'm still all over the place, I keep thinking it can't be real and I don't feel pregnant at all. Then I look at Ds and I just want to cry. I don't want him to have to be a big brother yet, but looking at him also reminds of what I'd be doing if I have a termination.

Men get it so much fucking easier! I know it's not Dp's fault but I want to be cross with him. He made a joke earlier and I lost it with him, he apologised and took Ds off for a walk so I could have some space and calm down. I hate feeling like this so much.

I know @Bluetrews25. We'd never Exocet them to or anything. Dp's mum is desperate to help with Ds though and I can't see her not wanting to. My mum works but would definitely help when she could and she's term time only.
We could afford child care for two needed.

Be kind to yourself. Limbo is ALWAYS the hardest place to be. Once you have made a concrete decision either way then it will be easier to throw your energy in to it.

I know you’ve not got long before the clinic but try and spend 24 hours absolutely living with one decision and then 24 hours with the other. No questioning, no deliberating, both of you knowing the decision was final. Just going about your day with a definite decision. I find that’s one way to test my true gut reaction to both. If you feel relieved and lighter on one day and just miserable on the other then that will help.

Of course you will continue having downs and downs and feel emotional whatever your decision.

Take care.

Oh, and I had a surprise baby very soon after the one before. For us personally, it worked out very well. But yes, my body was shot to pieces for a while after and it was tiring. Plus points - they both slept in the day! There was no hauling a baby or (worse) a cranky toddler to various hobbies for a much older child. Clothes, bedding, toys, kit were largely interchangeable in the early months.

But that’s after a very long period of i fertility leading to my first pregnancy so our choice was pretty much grab it now as it is likely to be the only other time I will have a baby. So don’t add my experience to pressure.

Ups and downs!

That's a good idea @regularbutpanickingabit.
Honestly though I don't think I can have an abortion. I'm completely pro choice at any time for any reason. But it seems for me, my reasons got to be more than I don't want one.
I think Dp knows me better than I know myself. That's why he's been trying to convince me it will be ok, because he knows I won't be able to go through with an abortion anyway.

Oh god! How mortifyingly embarrassing is it going to be having to tell people we're having another baby so soon.

And I know that's going to seem like the least of my problems when it comes to it.

Apologies if this is not an appropriate question, but if he's so supportive, is there a reason you wouldn't get married? Especially as he earns so much more than you? If you wanted reassurance that you do indeed have unqualified support and 'he is in it as much as you' then that is the best way to do it! - unless you have specific reasons for not wanting to be married?

I don't want to get married while I'm pregnant @FizzyGreenWater.
We were planning on doing so next year.

There is 15 months between my two DC. DS was born with a condition that needed a couple of operations within the first 12 months of his life - I know when and where DD was conceived, and it couldn't have been on any other occasion!

It was a shock (I now say to DD a surprise!), but in many ways it's turned out to be a blessing. They went through similar stages together - the conveyor belt nappy changing is a bit wearing, but you get on with it. The great thing is that they were always able to take part in age appropriate things together, so we never had one happy child and a bored older sibling sort of thing.

20 years on, I wouldn't have had it any different.

Good luck - I hope you are able to make the right decision for you.

Good talk, good cry (me). AMC it looks like we're having another baby.
Dp is definitely getting the snip after and I need to sort out what I want to do work wise. But it's early days so nothing to sort yet, other than to find exactly how far along I am and get our heads round it.

Won't be telling anyone for a while so I can get used to it.

There's only going to be around year between them. That's ridiculous! Just so long as this one arrives after September and not before, otherwise they'll be in the same school year. Nope, not having that! I'll keep my legs crossed until 1st of September if I have to.

I have 13 months between my first 2 and felt embarrassed and ashamed at compromising both of their times with just me. It was challenging but totally doable and they are close and have no ill effects. I missed individual time but they didn't. 20 years on now