Unplanned second pregnancy, don't know how or if to tell Dp.

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Names changed as a few people in real life know my user name.

We have one Dc who's only 5 months. I'm ebf and not had a period yet and I've found out today I'm pregnant. I'm devastated, really not ready for another baby and I can't believe it, we've been using condoms every time we've had sex and with a tiny baby it's not like it's been often.

I've told Dp I'm not feeling too well so I'm hiding upstairs. I'm really not sure how he'll take it and I'm not sure what I even want to do, so don't know if I should say anything yet.
We've discussed having another in a very general way and he didn't seem overly bothered for another really and neither was I. Honestly I imagined us probably only having one, maybe two but definitely not this close.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I guess just because I can't talk to anyone in real life and I'm just trying to think things through and stop myself from crying.

I'm often in these threads saying the same thing, as it relates to my job, but if you're considering a termination but not at the stage where you are really sure what you want, then one option is to contact whoever the NHS provider is in your area, and see if they can offer you some short counselling session(s) to discuss it for free. You can do that before speaking to anyone about any of the medical stuff, if it helps you make a decision (either way). If your NHS provider doesnt do stand alone counselling (like some hospitals dont)- then some of the other providers can do multiple sessions at a relatively low cost on a private basis.

I can totally understand why you want to make a decision before you "put it" to him. I would be the same. I also know my DP would want it to be my decision and to know he hadn't accidentally (and innocently) put any pressure on me or influenced me to make a choice that I may regret or resent in any way.

It's not like once you have had a think about it, he isn't entitled to his voice. But it will be easier to weigh if you have explored your own thoughts on it more fully at the time. Which realistically could be a quick turn around.

I hope you get some sleep tonight

You sound (understandably) upset and shocked. It's not a good frame of mind to make decisions.
Maybe you need to give yourself a couple of days where you are not supposed to make a decision, just to let the adrenaline go.
It will be ok

My lovely, it's your body and you and only you gets to decide what happens to your body.

If you don't want this pregnancy to continue, you get to decide about it. You do not have to tell him your choice or involve him

If you want your pregnancy to continue, that's OK as well, but you do not have to do it if you don't want to. If you want to ask your partner that's fine, but he does NOT get to decide. You do.

Only you get to have the say on what happens to YOUR body.

If you want to talk to your Dp, then do. If you don't want to. Don't. And

Thank you @Dirtybadger. I'll look into that as I'm really not sure. Our baby wasn't planned so we did consider our options then but I couldn't go through with a termination. Dp was supportive and said it was my decision so I've no reason to think he won't be again. But last time he asked what I was thinking and said he agreed, when I said I'd changed my mind he said he'd been having second thoughts too.
This time I'm really 50/50 and I think if he says one way or the other, it's going to make me feel I should go with that. Or if I go with the opposite I'll feel like he's going to resent me for my decision.

I don't know. I've a million things running through my head and I just can't think straight. Dp's been lovely tonight, he thinks I've got a migraine.

Erm, he gets an equal say in what happens to his baby, which is as much his as it is OP’s. Absolutely ridiculous to insinuate he has no rights or say in this decision-making. God I feel sorry for men sometimes.

OP, personally I would have told my hubby the second I did the test, as thrashing things out together is how we do things. But I totally get where you’re coming from, take some time to understand how you feel, but please talk to him when you’re ready. It might help you figure out your own feelings to talk about it out loud with someone who hopefully will provide you with the right support whatever the decision made. Lots of love.

He doesnt though does he abouttimemum, its crazy to claim he does. Unfortunately for blokes, women hold the cards until the baby is born as it is their body. Obviously in a loving relationship the issue is discussed but even the majority of decent men wouldnt claim equal rights in a decision over a pregnancy. They defer to their partner and offer support in the final decision making on the understanding it isn't their body.

There are just as many, infact probably many many more cases of blokes leaving women to decide to either have a baby on their own or go through a termination on their own. It works both ways.

I feel sorry for women who are made to feel something happening inside their body is not for them to decide what to do with and them alone.

I think we’ll agree to disagree on this one :)

OP I think you should discuss with your OH, his reaction may make you decide? Extreme elation may make you feel you can come, fear may make you think you can't?

But you need to share the burden.

I'm with @Suspiciousmind007. I don't think ultimately it's Dp's decision. That's the way I feel and I think he'd agree that's fair or as fair as it can be in these situations.

He finishes at lunch today so I'm going to tell him when he's home. I woke up pretty certain I'd say I didn't want to go ahead with it. Buy I phoned a clinic to look at booking an appointment and chickened out. So now I'm not so sure.

NotReadyForThisX2 you have just found out. You don't have to decide what to do straight away, you have a few days at least to sit on the decision and think about pro's and con's.

I know @MonaChopsis but I always feel like I need to resolve things as soon as possible. Plus I'm not sure how far I am and I think the earlier the better if I decide on an abortion.

@NotReadyForThisX2 whatever you decide it'll work out ok. Be kind to yourself

I understand, NotReady, but if you rush you might make a panicked decision and then regret it in the future. Can you take a pregnancy test which gives an indication of how far along you are? That might help take the pressure off.

In the meantime, even if you think to yourself 'I'm definitely not deciding today. I might decide tomorrow/the weekend etc, but definitely not today' it will give you some mental space to have the thoughts and panic and reactions (which you will have, and need to have, and will process!!) and get a clearer idea of how you genuinely feel afterwards.

The shock of discovering I had another bun in the oven 4 months later (shriek!) was so bad that I went into complete denial and didn't tell anyone because I couldn't even admit it to myself, never mind anyone else. I remember feeling like a rabbit caught in the headlights. The timing was terrible.

This is a big shock, and I really do think that you should talk it through as a couple and come to a decision together. Ultimately, my position is that it is your body and your choice. You retain autonomy over your body and your reproductive rights.

Sending you a big hug. You will come to the right decision for you.

If you let go of the fact that it is quite soon, do you even want to have two children? Because once you know the answer to that, the rest might just be details to overcome.

If I read correctly this is your second unplanned pregnancy. You might want to review your contraceptive decisions after this pregnancy.

Some people decide on their emotional feelings, some because of the practicalities. Either is fine, you just need to work out which is best for you and of course for your family. Don’t be trapped into deciding based on what you feel you should do, this decision is a decision for life for all 3 of you.

I’d start by working out if you actually want 2 children and then answer one question at a time from there, because whatever you want to do, there’s a solution to make it work 💐

It is always the woman’s choice about whether to keep a pregnancy or not. The father can express an opinion - but it is just that, an opinion. We aren’t bloody handmaidens.
OP, best of luck with whatever you decide.

But I've honestly no clue what he'd think of it or what he'd want to do.
I'll tell him, when I've got more of a idea.

How are you going to 'get more of an idea' without talking to him? He's supposed to be your partner; your support. Not a judge of what you should or shouldn't do. I don't understand why you're so scared of telling him. Ultimately, it's up to you what you want to do.

For everyone one here saying it's a joint decision; read the thread about the woman whose husband is trying to force her to have an abortion.

I'm not scared to tell him. I just don't want him to be like 'yay, another baby' and then I decide I don't want to go ahead with it or the other way.
I know if I say what I'm thinking he'll most likely go with that. I just don't know what I'm thinking though.

I'm thinking of texting him as he finishes and telling him, but asking him not to tell me his opinion unless I ask for it. Is that a bit horrible though.

I've been in exactly your position.

I was very uncertain and DP was a bit shocked but in fact his shock provided me with the clarity that I definitely wanted to be pregnant. He got on board very quickly.

Oldest DCs are now in their teens and having them so close together was brilliant. In fact later, I wanted a similarly close gap between my 3rd and 4th but it wasn't to be.

Texting in my opinion is wrong.

I know @grinningcheshirecat. I was booked to have the coil fitted. I was on the pill before but I think I messed up when I missed a break, we were in the process of buying and then renovating a house and somewhere I messed up. Found half used pill packs when I was unpacking. 8/9 years of using it and never messed up or had a panic before that.
This time I'm really not sure how. We use condoms every time and Dp checks after, I'm ebf and still feeding a few times through the night, I know that's not a guarantee but it's supposed to help. Not had a period yet.

Clear blue says 3+ weeks.

5.5 months between mine. Overall it's been brilliant. And it's done on one quick block.

I was mightily pissed off to be pregnant again though. Marriage on its last legs. Divorced at 2&3yo. Which was perfect too as I finally got some time off. I worked 4/5 which was good for me too. (2 puppies was an error though!)

No 2 was much quicker to sleep through, barely cried, feed herself etc. She decided at 28 months that she didn't need nappies. Everything that takes ages with DD1 was so quick with no 2. Clothes went from one room to the other and then given away for ever. If you have a practical bent it's very good.

Just to say they are now 13&14.

And for the nappies that should read 18 months.