Unplanned second pregnancy, don't know how or if to tell Dp.

[NotReadyForThisX2]

Names changed as a few people in real life know my user name.

We have one Dc who's only 5 months. I'm ebf and not had a period yet and I've found out today I'm pregnant. I'm devastated, really not ready for another baby and I can't believe it, we've been using condoms every time we've had sex and with a tiny baby it's not like it's been often.

I've told Dp I'm not feeling too well so I'm hiding upstairs. I'm really not sure how he'll take it and I'm not sure what I even want to do, so don't know if I should say anything yet.
We've discussed having another in a very general way and he didn't seem overly bothered for another really and neither was I. Honestly I imagined us probably only having one, maybe two but definitely not this close.

I don't even know why I'm posting. I guess just because I can't talk to anyone in real life and I'm just trying to think things through and stop myself from crying.

Don't text him OP. I know it's tempting but you really need to do this face to face.

Your head must be whirling: perhaps get down your thoughts, pro's and con's on paper (I find this helps calms me and clarify things) then check when he'll be home so you can have this conversation in person.

Good luck with whatever you decide and with your conversation. 🌹

Good luck OP

Good luck. I'm sure he'll be supportive. Don't make any rash decisions. Not quite as small a gap but I remember the shock at discovering Dc2 was coming. I was in quite a state. It all worked out fine though.... eventually.

The main thing that stopped me considering a termination was the worry that I'd severely regret it in the future. I was quite "old" though at that point and it might have been my last chance.

But if a termination is what you definitely want, that's fine. You absolutely should discuss it with your dh tho.

He took it better than me anyway. Well he hasn't cried, I don't think.
He said "how the fuck as that happened" quickly followed by "of course I know how, but I mean we were being careful". Then he hugged me and said it would be ok.

He hasn't said what he'd prefer, because I asked him not to. I sense he's thinking we'll keep it though.

Not sure what I do now

Those of you who've done it with a small age gap. Did you find the second pregnancy difficult? Did you feel like you'd been pregnant for ever?
It's the idea of being pregnant I'm finding hardest not necessarily having another baby.

Honestly I feel a bit like it's going to wreak me. I'm not quite back to my pre pregnancy weight yet anyway. I was lucky before had a good pregnancy and no complications or stretch marks, but the thought of doing it again is making me feel ill.

Aw pleased he is supportive. Knew he would be. Take the weekend to take it in. My gap between pregnancies was 11 months so obviously not that short. Yes it was hard going but has been broadly worth it to get the really tough years out of the way. A good friend of mine only had daughters 13 months apart and it was def a massive shock for them but they lived to tell the tale and no regrets at all.

I was pregnant with DC2 when my daughter was 6 months.

Hmmm, it's really hard work. And I do struggle. But there is one really great thing that has come of it. My two children are so close. They are best friends and that does give me pleasure and comfort for them in the future.

Now I am very glad we are emerging from the baby years. We don't want more children . I wonder if I had waited and planned if I would have had my second child at all. So I don't regret having them close together.

I had my two youngest just under 14 months apart.

Yes I did feel that I was pregnant for ages but actually, it meant I didn't have to lose the baby weight twice which was a bonus.
Pregnancy was easy and birth very quick.
It was actually great for them growing up, they were more like twins than brothers, they played together all the time and are now in their 20s and still very close.

Was being pregnant with a young baby really difficult @poglets?
Dp did say it could mean we just get it all over with quickly.

Work is a bit worth for me, we aren't married so I'm definitely not going to stay at home, but I don't really want to either. But I'm not sure how it would work with work.

I was pregnant again at 7 months. Planned though. I didn't really notice much of my second pregnancy tbh, I was distracted by all the fun stuff ds1 was doing. First time round it felt like a big deal but second time I had other things to think about. The last few weeks were hard, I did feel like ds1 got a bit of a raw deal then, but my mum took him out for the day now and again and he doesn't remember it now.

Ds2's birth was super fast and easy, the midwife said that's often the case when they are so close together.

They were so cute when they were small, they would sit together in the double pushchair and ds1 would sort his brother's hat or blanket, hold his hand, pass him snacks from the snack pot thing with the funny lid that ds2 couldn't quite manage himself. They are 12 and 13 now and not quite so in love with each other but you've got years yet before you have to worry about that.

It was a bit stressful when 2 was tiny because 1 would always be wanting to touch him and pick him up so when I went to the toilet at least one of them had to come with me. That was annoying.

Ds2 learned things much faster and easier than 1. He pretty much just did everything when his older brother did. He was riding a bike without stabilisers when he was only just 3, out of nappies by 18 months, could read before he started school, could tie shoelaces, all sorts. We only had to teach all that sort of thing once. Not because we forced him in any way but because he just wanted to join in everything his brother was doing. Still does. He was genuinely pissed off when he had to wait a year for high school.

It was much harder being pregnant again the 3rd time after a 4 year gap.

I hope things work out for you op, whatever you decide.

I can't tell you it was easy. It really isn't. But then it's different for everyone. A couple of posters on here have said their second was much easier for them.

But, in a way your DP is right. I am glad we got it out the way. I don't really enjoy young children so I would not have wanted to go back and do it all again just as we were starting to get our life back.

I would spend the next week researching what will happen with your work, your income and really evaluate the impact it will have on you and your family.

Oh and yes, two so close together in age is very sweet and special. My two wish they really were twins.

I had 3 under 3.. my eldest was still 2 and I'd just had her second brother ...oops..it was fine ,lots of fun and games,they are 21 2o and 19 now..I've since had another ,and the gap is. So huge it's like having an only child.i think I found people's comments the hardest ,like everyone thought they had the right to give me advice on contraception.or made jokes like did we not have a tv..
If you decide to go ahead op,you will adapt ,and when you have two (if you have two) it does all fall in to place .we saved a fortune on toys clothes and cots as well.just passed it on to each child..good luck what ever you decide xx

Regardless of what you decide, since you mentioned not being married, make sure you protect yourself financially.

It's easy for a man to say a oh yay keep it, as it's not his body carrying the baby or him doing the lion's share of early days child rearing.

That's partly why I won't give up work @pissedonatrain. I'm just not sure how that will work if I have another baby so soon. That's my biggest practicality issue. I've made a list of my concerns and I'm going to try not think about it and we've planned a day out tomorrow and Sunday evening we're going to look at the list and go through it together, see what's a valid concern, what we can do if anything to resolve them and hopefully make a decision about what to do.

There are pros and cons really...

Im 8m pregnant and have spd badly in pregnancy. Our gap will be bigger, though not massive (21m).
For me, I think your gap would have been easier. More having to get in the floor which is painful, but having a less mobile baby. My.first was an early walker and so confident in her feet by a year - roughly when your n2 will be due, but with a larger gap, she's now so much faster, and I can't physically keep up with her as I need to.

If you have a larger gap ( say 3 years), then chances are you'll be pregnant through a lot of tantrums.

If you wait until the first is at school, then you drag out the disrupted nights, they won't pay together as easily, will want to do very different things etc.

So there are challenges with every gap.

I honestly think that for me, your gap would have been easier than my larger gap, but others may have found it the other way round.

As an alternative point of view I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant.
I hadn’t had a child myself by that point so different in that respect but knew I wanted one at some point.
However the timing at that point in my life was terrible for having a baby.

I had made the decision before I even told my DP that I was pregnant.

I then made all the appointments and once I knew what was happening I spoke to DP. Told him I wasn’t pregnant, that I had arranged everything and I needed his support.

He stood by me and held my hand all the way.
We now have a child and are very happy. It’s such a shame we found ourselves in that position before and we sometimes still talk about it and although it’s a sad topic we both agree we did the best thing at that point.

That’s all you can do.

Talk to him, close together has disadvantages mostly financial but also significant advantages, my girls are very close now as adults.

Thank you @bebeboeuf I think that's the direction I'm going.
Dp has said he'll support me either way.

Just on that point I don’t think you can predict siblings’ future relationships. There are 4 years between ours and they’re extremely close as adults having nights out and holidays together.

Good luck whatever you decide. It just needs to be right for all your futures.

Really talk to your partner. I just did about how he felt when I was pregnant with second baby. He thought 'ok fuck'. We were in a worse state than China at the time.Things change

It sounds to me like he appreciates that most of the strain will fall on you so is just telling you what you want to hear in a bid to be supportive.

One massive cost will be childcare, haven't noticed if you've mentioned that.

I'm fed up of women saying their partner should be told before the woman herself has even worked out how she feels about it ffs! She's pregnant, he's not, she'll have to carry/abort, he won't, she'll have to give birth a year after giving birth, he wont!

Jeez, its hardly his decision is it!

It's a bit worrying that using condoms immediately you get pregnant! Did he always use a condom or just think you wouldn't get pregnant again and didn't bother?

My sister in law had 5, one almost after another. I don't know how she did it, but she did and they grew up really close. They managed fine.

Good luck op, with whatever you decide to do.

A friend of mine had pretty much exactly your 13/14 month gap. Went back to work when the eldest was 6/7 months, then took another 6 months mat leave (again with enhanced pay etc) with baby 2. Her boys are 2 and 3 and get on incredibly. First year was tough but it’s brilliant now.

My two are not as close together as you’d be looking (gap of a bit over two years) but my baby two was also a (completely unplanned) happy surprise. While I will 100% defend another women’s right to choose what is right for them, with my own personal circumstances and beliefs I absolutely couldn’t countenance an abortion (and DH and I had always been clear on that). That made it an easier decision for me, we could just get excited about baby 2 (who is awesome!). I had 6 months off each time, which has worked pretty well career wise too as it is short enough that you can quickly get back up to full speed.

If you wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy (and it is obviously your choice) it seems to me that you probably need to reconsider your mat leave plans. If maintaining your career is important to you (it was to me) a whole year in one go is a heck of a hit to it. What about you returning quite soon and DP taking SPL?