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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister & BiL have split.. mum and bil taking it REALLY bad. Advice please

142 replies

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 20:48

I’m just looking for advice and your own personal situations. Good to see from others points of view.

My sister who is 24 had been with her partner for 4 years - he is 31 (not that age matters). They seemed so settled and he was perfect for her. He bought her back son to earth. He has a well paid job, stayed with her through uni (she stayed at home / still lives at home) and she now has a good job in a corporate firm. My sister and her partner have lived with my mum for 4 years. My sister practically moved him in and my mum allowed it. In this time he became part of the family, helped my mum, helped my grandparents, was good with my children etc. Anyhow my sister has totally lost the plot (she has never really been 100% stable she suffers with depression etc and has made some questionable decisions in her life), she decided to go on Tinder (behind her partners back). He seen a notification on her phone and questioned what it was. She said it’s tinder from when they went on a break and she never uninstalled it ?!?!?! He totally lost it and kicked her (how hard I do not know and I KNOW violence is wrong). She finished it there and then with him (despite It was her on tinder)! He got all of his stuff and moved back to his mums.

Two days after the split, she is now sleeping with a married man from work (a manager) who has two children (10&6). They’ve been seeing each other the past two weeks and he’s left his wife for my sister ?!?!?! It’s just insane. Meanwhile her ex partner is wondering why she will not speak to him, give him an explanation - she has cut him off completely after 4 years. He was close to my mum and texts her to ask if my sister has said anything and even my own mum has told him you are better off without her (but she won’t tell him she’s started an affair).

I have told him he is better off without because she cheated on him two years ago but they worked through it. She planned to buy a houSe with him this summer but is now going it alone. She has 0 friends.

My mum lives on her own and my sister and her ex partner lived with her. But now my sisters partner is gone, and my sister is constantly out my mum is at home on her own. My mum has called me up on several occasions crying - saying how she wants them to work it out as he is caring and would do anything for her yet agrees she’s a selfish brat for the way she has gone about everything. She says she misses having him around also and that it’s a big change for her.

I am also upset because my mum is upset, sisters ex partner is devastated and there is nothing I can do. I’ve told mY mum to distance herself and focus on her own life and try meet someone else but that’s a thread for another day!!!! Mum is 55 and says “not worth the upset of seeing someone else”.

Sigh.

OP posts:
CordeliaEarhart · 06/03/2019 20:58

I really liked my BIL. When I found out he had hit my sister I didn't care what she had done, or how much our lives would change. I just wanted him as far away from her as physically possible. Affairs are wrong and shouldn't happen. But your post pretty much glosses over the violence and I find that very strange. You sound shocked that she broke up with him after he kicked her - you should be applauding her for that.

Your mum also sounds pretty selfish. She wants her daughter to get back with a violent man because he used to do stuff for her? What the hell is that about?

Overall, it seems she has no friends and her family have taken her violent ex-partners side in their break up. I feel very, very sorry for your sister.

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:03

At the moment I can honestly say I am on his side. In no way am I defending what he did, he kicked her. But it would be a different story if she kicked him? I am pretty sure in the past she has pushed him in anger when they’ve split up in the past.

OP posts:
AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:04

No one should hit anyone but she doesn’t seem to care at all and has started an affair ?

OP posts:
SusanWalker · 06/03/2019 21:06

I wonder how happy your sister really was with this man. You say he brought her down to earth, but what if she now regrets not having some fun whilst at uni. She cheated on him once before, so it sounds like it wasn't a good relationship for her.

I'm not condoning her cheating, but you and your mum seem to want her to be in this relationship because it's what you deem best for her. I get the impression you want him to control her behaviour. You come across as having a vision of the kind of life she ought to have and he's there to ensure she lives that life. But she's her own person and has the right to live as she chooses, mistakes and all.

He was also violent towards her. I don't think I could be friendly towards a man who was violent to my sister.

Goandplay · 06/03/2019 21:07

I agree with the other poster.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Sounds like a bad relationship if they’re off and on and there’s been pushing and things.

No one can make someone else’s relationship work. Even living with a couple you can’t know what it’s like to be in that relationship.

Your sister sounds unhappy. She wanted the relationship to end and has done things to make that happen.

Goandplay · 06/03/2019 21:08

You mum will adjust. She would have felt this lonely when they bought their own home.

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:09

I totally understand what your saying and you are correct - I want her to be safe, I feel like he protected her a lot and they could have had a future together. However the relationship did have it’s toxic traits. It’s just upsetting for everyone where as she doesn’t give a shit, has completely cut him off after 4 yesrs, and is living this life with the new man?

OP posts:
NWQM · 06/03/2019 21:10

He kicked her. He reacted to something he didn’t like by kicking another human being. But you are in his side - really?

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:10

We are all upset and I just wish they could have worked through it. He is absolutely devastated but she doesn’t seem phased

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category12 · 06/03/2019 21:11

He kicked her. The end. He lost any moral high ground then and violence should always end relationships. Well done to your sister for finishing it then.

She's only 24: it was very unlikely this relationship would be it for her.

She's allowed to make her own mistakes (or not) in life, you and the rest of the family need to butt out.

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:13

I have just said in No way at all am I condoning violence - as I said she has been “violent” to him long ago in The past. I think if a woman kicked her husband because he had been on tinder it would be seen in a different light . I hope posters can see where I am coming from here but I am NOT saying it’s okay to hit anyone

OP posts:
CordeliaEarhart · 06/03/2019 21:14

Of course it would be wrong if she kicked him too. I'm not convinced by "I'm pretty sure she pushed him during an argument at some unspecified time in the past which I'm only mentioning after you disagreed with my initial post".

I said in my pp that having an affair is wrong and I wouldn't support her in that. But nothing justifies him kicking her. And I don't understand why you don't want to protect your family (sister, mum, your DC) from a violent man.

And you ARE condoning violence. You are implying that she deserved it and that breaking up with him because of it was unreasonable.

SusanWalker · 06/03/2019 21:15

Perhaps the relationship ended a long time ago for her and that's why she doesn't seem so bothered. When my ex left I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. We had been on the rocks for a while and I was so tired of feeling miserable. Is it possible she put off breaking up with him because she knew it would upset your mum?

It's nice that you want your sister to be safe, but perhaps she didn't want protecting. Perhaps she wanted to take a risk sometimes or learn to take care of herself. Perhaps she felt a bit hemmed in by him.

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:15

She had been on tinder behind his back - he reacted by kicking her. Completely wrong he must have seen red.

OP posts:
wombatsears · 06/03/2019 21:16

Stop trying to justify it. He assaulted her. End of. He can’t be that great a person.

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:17

I know I’m saying the same things, and I have told my mum to focus on her own life but I can’t bear the thought of my mum being upset, X partner being distraught and my sister blocking it all out pretending it never happened by seeing OM

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Fairylea · 06/03/2019 21:17

Be very careful that you don’t completely lose your relationship with your sister over this. When my now ex dh and I split up my mum was so heartbroken (we all lived together, same as in your situation) and really kept on at me that she loved him etc that I felt completely betrayed as her daughter. I have never really forgiven her for it.

SandyY2K · 06/03/2019 21:17

It wasn't a healthy relationship and is best over.

Him kicking her was unacceptable. Her behaviour is not good either, but why is he wondering why she hasn't contacted him... she's dumped him.

She could have reported him to the police, having an affair is not a criminal offence.

Your mum as you said, needs to get a life of her own

category12 · 06/03/2019 21:18

You are justifying it, repeatedly. You need to give your head a wobble.

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:19

You say not that much of a nice person, yet don’t we all make mistakes at some point ? He’s not the type of man to cheat, would have walked over water for her, given her stability, was never the type to go out and mess around, not one to go sit in the pub, he was a legit family man if that makes sense and sometimes these decent guys are hard to come by. I don’t know.

OP posts:
AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 21:20

I have my own life and children etc (I am the older sibling), I just think my mum wanted her to settle down properly too. Instead she tries to get them back together and cries about it

OP posts:
CordeliaEarhart · 06/03/2019 21:21

Stop trying to justify it. He assaulted her. End of. He can’t be that great a person.

This. A thousand times.

Well done to your sister for breaking up with him, especially with the clear lack of support from her family. Perhaps she is simply happier without him. When I ended my engagement people kept waiting for me to breakdown and be devastated. But, in reality, I was a million times happier just to be away from the controlling bastard.

FromDespairToHere · 06/03/2019 21:21

She's well shot if he kicked her. It would be exactly the same if it was the other way round.

Your DSis was unhappy in her relationship and it sounds like she could do with your support right now.

Drum2018 · 06/03/2019 21:21

You said it yourself - there is nothing you can do. Your sister is an adult, free to make her own choices. Her ex is best off without her and vice versa. Your mother needs to stop pushing for them to reconcile. If your mum continues to call you about it change the subject. She'll just have to get over not having them in the house anymore.

Bluestitch · 06/03/2019 21:22

It doesn't matter how great you think he is, she doesn't want to be with him anymore! She's entitled to end the relationship for any reason, and I'd say it is for the best as it sounded pretty toxic anyway. Most people don't stay forever with the person they are with at 20, leave her alone.