Sister & BiL have split.. mum and bil taking it REALLY bad. Advice please

[AdviceNeeded3282]

I’m just looking for advice and your own personal situations. Good to see from others points of view.

My sister who is 24 had been with her partner for 4 years - he is 31 (not that age matters). They seemed so settled and he was perfect for her. He bought her back son to earth. He has a well paid job, stayed with her through uni (she stayed at home / still lives at home) and she now has a good job in a corporate firm. My sister and her partner have lived with my mum for 4 years. My sister practically moved him in and my mum allowed it. In this time he became part of the family, helped my mum, helped my grandparents, was good with my children etc. Anyhow my sister has totally lost the plot (she has never really been 100% stable she suffers with depression etc and has made some questionable decisions in her life), she decided to go on Tinder (behind her partners back). He seen a notification on her phone and questioned what it was. She said it’s tinder from when they went on a break and she never uninstalled it ?!?!?! He totally lost it and kicked her (how hard I do not know and I KNOW violence is wrong). She finished it there and then with him (despite It was her on tinder)! He got all of his stuff and moved back to his mums.

Two days after the split, she is now sleeping with a married man from work (a manager) who has two children (10&6). They’ve been seeing each other the past two weeks and he’s left his wife for my sister ?!?!?! It’s just insane. Meanwhile her ex partner is wondering why she will not speak to him, give him an explanation - she has cut him off completely after 4 years. He was close to my mum and texts her to ask if my sister has said anything and even my own mum has told him you are better off without her (but she won’t tell him she’s started an affair).

I have told him he is better off without because she cheated on him two years ago but they worked through it. She planned to buy a houSe with him this summer but is now going it alone. She has 0 friends.

My mum lives on her own and my sister and her ex partner lived with her. But now my sisters partner is gone, and my sister is constantly out my mum is at home on her own. My mum has called me up on several occasions crying - saying how she wants them to work it out as he is caring and would do anything for her yet agrees she’s a selfish brat for the way she has gone about everything. She says she misses having him around also and that it’s a big change for her.

I am also upset because my mum is upset, sisters ex partner is devastated and there is nothing I can do. I’ve told mY mum to distance herself and focus on her own life and try meet someone else but that’s a thread for another day!!!! Mum is 55 and says “not worth the upset of seeing someone else”.

Sigh.

There hasn't been one mention of this at all.

Perhaps you ought to read more carefully. I addressed it almost immediately after it was posted. I don't believe it to be true.

I'm happy to admit I do have double standards though. Violence is always wrong and I'd end a relationship for a push. I'd advise any person to do the same. But some acts of violence simply are worse than others. That's why there are different sentences for different acts of violence. You'd get a bigger sentence for stabbing someone than for punching them, for example.

What's your actual point, crestar - if the sister was violent to the ex, should they stay together?

If one or both of them are violent to each other, then it's a shit toxic relationship, and at least the sister has ended it. Violence should be a dealbreaker in relationships.

Disagreed doesn't mean the second poster is correct.

As for the kick, nobody knows the extent of that either but reading between the lines, it sounds more like it's been exploded out of all proportion. Certainly, no more out of proportion than the push.

Hypocrisy beyond belief.

He. Kicked. Her.

That should be the end of it. It doesn’t matter what she did on tinder, HE ASSAULTED YOUR SISTER. She is well rid of this “decent, protective family man”.

Ffs.

Well, one way or another it's all over and I can't see them ever getting back together. Everyone will have to pick up the pieces and move on. Your dm in particular should be encouraged to start to develop her own life. This business of your dsis and the bf living with her couldn't have gone on forever. Dm's not old. She could have another 20+ years in front of her to enjoy.

Stopped reading after "he kicked her".

Support your sister, feel glad she is no longer with someone who would physically hurt her.

category12 Can you not see the point here? That just makes it even worse that you cannot even comprehend the point I am making.

Violence is wrong on any level but this has all been one sided - why don't you now even up the argument by posting some comments about the sister being violent and a perpetrator of domestic violence because I haven't seen one post about her being an abuser yet.

Wow

crestar someone who hates all sorts of violence doesn't try to minimise it by saying it's 'blown out of proportion' . They also don't come on to a thread primarily about a woman and try to turn the focus on to the man.
But MRAs do both.

CordeliaEarhar The fact that you don't believe it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

That's just a convenient excuse to 'walk on by' and back up a poor argument.

I could equally say, 'I don't believe he kicked her'.

She is clearly untrustworthy and cannot be taken on her word.

It's very easy to use your argument either way.

Crestar, your point is only to claim Mumsnet posters have double standards, and isn't actually to be helpful in any way, you mean. In other words, being tiresome and whataboutthemenz. The op has already done a fine job of character assassination of her sister, I'm sure no-one else needs to join in.

Your mother wants her daughter to be in a relationship with a man she doesn’t love and who assaulted her, because SHE liked him and doesn’t want to be lonely. So your mother is:

• a bad, uncaring mother
• supremely selfish
• pathetic and needs to get a life

You seem a pretty nasty piece of work too, OP. You know why your sister doesn’t seem to care? Because she is FINALLY free of a relationship she didn’t want and only stayed in because her controlling mother and sister deemed it best for her. No wonder the poor woman’s been depressed!

I honestly hope she goes NC with the two of you and finds a nice, supportive group of friends - people with whom she can enjoy her youth and not be pressured to settle down and be grateful to have a man, any man (even if he’s violent).

WinnieFosterTether I do not defend violence of any sort.

But yet again, your 'double standards' enable you to completely ignore my point.

Where is your post discussing the Sisters domestic abuse?

Oh, and BTW, getting into a relationship isn’t the only way for your mum to get on with her own life. I wonder if you think a woman can only be truly fulfilled if she has a man in her life.

I wonder if you’d be OK with your mum getting a new man and being kicked by him?

It was the first time he was violent. It wouldn't have been the last.

The rest of it. Sounds messy but not your business. Or your DM's. I am only slightly older than your DM. She really needs to get on with her own life, and leave you all to get on with your own. She surely didn't think that your DS would stay with her for good. It's great to be able to offer support to our DC as and when they ask for it. It's not great to base our lives around them.

I applaud your sister for leaving a relationship at the first sign of violence.

Well if she has been violent to him too then that's all the more reason for them to stay broken up surely. If the OP loves this guy as much as she claims why would she want him to be with such an awful person as she claims her sister is?

category12 That's your one sided opinion.

I am trying to be much more helpful by exploring this 'situation' from a neutral, 'middle ground' position which is surely more balanced advice for the OP.

Both these people are guilty of domestic violence regardless of what you choose to believe.

Sorry, crestar, perhaps I wasn't clear. From my last post, the first paragraph was addressing your point about nobody mentioning it. I did mention it. Of course you are free to not believe that he kicked her. And I wouldn't accuse you of failing to mention it if you made that claim.

It has been said, many times, on this thread that anyone should walk away from a relationship where their partner has been violent. I don't see how multiple posters reiterating that is counted as evidence of double standards.

crestar go back and read your own posts about 'blowing it out of proportion'. That's defending violence. It makes a mockery of your claims to be concerned or balanced.

You've done enough to try to derail this. This is the relationships board. It's supposed to be about support. Twitter might suit you better or there's probably an MRA section on Reddit.

Keep out of your sister’s business. She’s an adult and can make decisions you don’t like or don’t agree with but it is none of your business.

Crestar, if the OP genuinely thought her sister was abusive towards this man, she should be happy they've broken up and encouraging him to rebuild his life rather than bemoaning the break-up and wanting them back together. And if you read my posts properly you'd have seen I said if either were violent, the relationship should end. You're really just here pushing your own tiresome agenda.

She hasn't 'ghosted' him. She broke it off, to his face, and is refusing to have anything more to do with him.

You and your DM can be as sad as you like, but this was HER relationship which SHE has ENDED. End of story. No if, buts or maybes.

She's young, she was only 20 when they got together, and he was 6 years older. Its quite likely that by 'grounding her' he was actually taking away some of her freedoms. At 20 she didn't NEED grounding. At 20 she should have been going out and having fun, not sitting at home with her boyfriend and mum.

Let her be.

And FFS your DM is only 5 years older than me. She's young enough to go out and have some fun herself!!!

Really OP you and your DM need to back off. At 24yo your sister is an adult (though a young one) and entitled to make her own decisions even if you think they're wrong. All you can do is be there for her to support her if/when things go wrong.