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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister & BiL have split.. mum and bil taking it REALLY bad. Advice please

142 replies

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 20:48

I’m just looking for advice and your own personal situations. Good to see from others points of view.

My sister who is 24 had been with her partner for 4 years - he is 31 (not that age matters). They seemed so settled and he was perfect for her. He bought her back son to earth. He has a well paid job, stayed with her through uni (she stayed at home / still lives at home) and she now has a good job in a corporate firm. My sister and her partner have lived with my mum for 4 years. My sister practically moved him in and my mum allowed it. In this time he became part of the family, helped my mum, helped my grandparents, was good with my children etc. Anyhow my sister has totally lost the plot (she has never really been 100% stable she suffers with depression etc and has made some questionable decisions in her life), she decided to go on Tinder (behind her partners back). He seen a notification on her phone and questioned what it was. She said it’s tinder from when they went on a break and she never uninstalled it ?!?!?! He totally lost it and kicked her (how hard I do not know and I KNOW violence is wrong). She finished it there and then with him (despite It was her on tinder)! He got all of his stuff and moved back to his mums.

Two days after the split, she is now sleeping with a married man from work (a manager) who has two children (10&6). They’ve been seeing each other the past two weeks and he’s left his wife for my sister ?!?!?! It’s just insane. Meanwhile her ex partner is wondering why she will not speak to him, give him an explanation - she has cut him off completely after 4 years. He was close to my mum and texts her to ask if my sister has said anything and even my own mum has told him you are better off without her (but she won’t tell him she’s started an affair).

I have told him he is better off without because she cheated on him two years ago but they worked through it. She planned to buy a houSe with him this summer but is now going it alone. She has 0 friends.

My mum lives on her own and my sister and her ex partner lived with her. But now my sisters partner is gone, and my sister is constantly out my mum is at home on her own. My mum has called me up on several occasions crying - saying how she wants them to work it out as he is caring and would do anything for her yet agrees she’s a selfish brat for the way she has gone about everything. She says she misses having him around also and that it’s a big change for her.

I am also upset because my mum is upset, sisters ex partner is devastated and there is nothing I can do. I’ve told mY mum to distance herself and focus on her own life and try meet someone else but that’s a thread for another day!!!! Mum is 55 and says “not worth the upset of seeing someone else”.

Sigh.

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 06/03/2019 22:14

Why should she stay in touch with him? She’s ended it (quite rightly, too)

Mrsmadevans · 06/03/2019 22:15

she , find

RogersVideo · 06/03/2019 22:16

One of my sisters was in a relationship with another girl when we were all still living at home. This girl was great, our family liked her and she was at our house all the time. But my sister didn't treat her well. We didn't interfere with their relationship, but my other sister and I were blunt about how we saw things when asked. And eventually they broke up. Because that's what happens when you're in your early 20s.

We didn't condemn our sister or try to get her back into a relationship she didn't want, which is what you and your mum seem to be doing.

Smelborp · 06/03/2019 22:19

I don’t understand you at all OP.

  1. He assaulted her. It’s bloody obvious why she’s broken up with him. She owes him nothing and doesn’t have to be in contact with him.
  1. She is still so young. Why are you obsessed about her settling down?
  1. You claim not to judge her but describe her new relationship as the OM and an affair. He may be married but she’s not. It’s absolutely none of your business. How fast she’s moved on is none of your business.
  1. This insistence that he is a good man is so weird. Your sister doesn’t want to be with him. Respect her decision. It’s hers to make.
morallowground · 06/03/2019 22:20

Yikes you really don’t like your sister do you?

You say she’s ghosting him, no she broke up with him and has now moved on with her life.
She’s doing the right thing, she wasn’t happy she ended things with him and is now giving him a clean break so they can both move on. If she were answering his every text and phone call she’d be accused of stringing him along or keeping him on the back burner.

They were together 4 years, they’ve split up now, have no kids and other ties so if she doesn’t want to respond to his texts she doesn’t have to not to be harsh but they’re not a couple any more she doesn’t owe him any explainations for how she is spending her single life.

He kicked your sister when he found out about tinder and you want her to rush back and make a life with him so your mums happy and the man who assaulted your sister is happy, what about her happiness? Is she entitled to any?

What happens next time she does something she doesn’t like; another kick? A punch? Broken jaw? Until she starts falling in line with what he wants.

I think you need to try and be more of a sister and try having her back for once instead of you and your mum texting the man who assaulted her to tell him he’s better off without her.

Bubs101 · 06/03/2019 22:23

Honestly, a bit baffled how you're defending the ex, this woman is your SISTER, she's family, I'm so shocked you seem to be hell-bent on trying to take her down on this thread. Even more shocked our taking the side of a man who you've known a handful of years over someone you have known their whole life. If my sister had cheated I'd be disappointed her, but I'd have her back regardless, why? Because my loyalties lie with her and always with her. And Jesus christ she's only 24, not married and has no children with him, she owes him nothing! Especially after he kicked her, to me that's a sign that all is not what it seems in the relationship and maybe he isn't as 'perfect' as you're making him out to be. Let your sister live, let her make mistakes, she's young and this is what your 20's is all about, not trying to guilt trip her into staying with her abuser just so you and your mother have some extra company.

Redwinestillfine · 06/03/2019 22:24

He kicked her? She cheated on him? Violence and cheating are both good reasons to split. Better they found out now.

Ribbonsonabox · 06/03/2019 22:25

Please have a word with yourself. He kicked your sister. Theres NO justification for that.. none. It doesn't matter what she did unless he was genuinely scared for his life and acting in self defence.

Why do you think she should speak to him?? I'd never tell any one to speak to someone who was physically abusive towards them, let alone my own sister!
What is actually wrong with you?!?!

tattooq · 06/03/2019 22:27

Decent men don't kick their partners. Hth

sighrollseyes · 06/03/2019 22:28

It's her life not yours and not your mums - leave her to it, she's made her decision you should all respect that and leave her to get on with it.

screamifyouwant · 06/03/2019 22:28

Sorry but I agree with all the posts .
He assaulted your sister wrong !!
I thinks you and your mum should not be so involved in her life .
I can't believe your taking his side . And I thought my family are nuts Shock

Butchyrestingface · 06/03/2019 22:33

He's not your BiL. He was your sister's boyfriend.

Not only did he assault her, but he's keeping it going by stalking her via your mum. Nice.

Fraying · 06/03/2019 22:35

He was violent. She ended the relationship and cut contact. Her response was perfect. She doesn't owe him anything more - no matter how many years they were together. She has been very clear that the relationship has ended the fact he and you and your DM are unhappy about it, isn't her fact. She hasn't created any confusion here.
You would do well to read about DV and EA and see the advice given. Both you and your DM have a very odd idea of what makes a good partner and I'm concerned what you're willing to put up with from the men in your life.

SleightOfMind · 06/03/2019 22:37

When my sis broke up with her ex, the whole family were devastated.
She also spun off and had an inappropriate rebound relationship, so full cat’s bum face from the aunties led by our DM.

What they didn’t know, was that this lovely, charming, financially generous man was an utter control freak behind closed doors and made Dsis’s life a misery.
She was scared to leave him because she knew our wider family wouldn’t understand. DH and I had seen the weird side of him when we were on holiday with them though so she had someone who got it.

Talk to her and be a good sister.
He’s now just an ex, you and your sis will grow old together.

fruitbrewhaha · 06/03/2019 22:42

It doesn't make any difference the other way around.

Op this is fucked up. You and your mum liked your sisters boyfriend. She doesn't. You don't get to pick who she is an a relationship with.

You all need to grow up.

crestar · 06/03/2019 22:44

You couldn't make this hypocrisy up if you tried!

Early on in the thread, the OP stated that her sister had pushed her boyfriend in the past.

There hasn't been one mention of this at all. It's all been about
his 'violence'.

Completely double standards once again.

Anothertempusername · 06/03/2019 22:44

He kicked her but you're on his side.

Nice. Glad you're not my sister.

JocelynBell1 · 06/03/2019 22:45

He kicked your sister and yet you think she should get back with him.

How sick.

Ginger1982 · 06/03/2019 22:45

Crestar the OP only mentioned her violence after people disagrees with her. Most of us don't believe the sister was ever violent.

Iggly · 06/03/2019 22:45

Maybe the tinder thing was reaction to a shit relationship. I doubt very much that the kick was the only domestic abuse he dished out. You said your sister was depressed etc?

I wonder if there’s any correlation with her being with her partner.

Good for her. And if he’s such a wonderful man he will find someone else.

GreenTulips · 06/03/2019 22:47

Your sister doesn’t want to be with this man

She lived and breathed him for 4 years and part of that was probably because she didn’t want to rock the boat

She’ll be your sister forever, leave her to her own relationships

crestar · 06/03/2019 22:49

Ginger1982 It was stated in the THIRD post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate any form of violence but this hypocrisy is laughable.

Ginger1982 · 06/03/2019 22:51

Yeah after the second post disagreed with her and she wasn't even sure her sister had been violent.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 06/03/2019 22:51

What is wrong in your life and your mum's life that makes you want to control your sister's life?

Why do you want your sister to stay in a bad relationship?

Why do you think her ex is so good for her? She wasn't happy with him. Why doesn't that matter to you?

If he is such a great prospect why don't you or your mum date him?

Bubs101 · 06/03/2019 22:51

@crestar

Then laugh away, but in the meantime, the rest of us are actually trying to contribute something helpful.

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