Sister & BiL have split.. mum and bil taking it REALLY bad. Advice please

[AdviceNeeded3282]

I’m just looking for advice and your own personal situations. Good to see from others points of view.

My sister who is 24 had been with her partner for 4 years - he is 31 (not that age matters). They seemed so settled and he was perfect for her. He bought her back son to earth. He has a well paid job, stayed with her through uni (she stayed at home / still lives at home) and she now has a good job in a corporate firm. My sister and her partner have lived with my mum for 4 years. My sister practically moved him in and my mum allowed it. In this time he became part of the family, helped my mum, helped my grandparents, was good with my children etc. Anyhow my sister has totally lost the plot (she has never really been 100% stable she suffers with depression etc and has made some questionable decisions in her life), she decided to go on Tinder (behind her partners back). He seen a notification on her phone and questioned what it was. She said it’s tinder from when they went on a break and she never uninstalled it ?!?!?! He totally lost it and kicked her (how hard I do not know and I KNOW violence is wrong). She finished it there and then with him (despite It was her on tinder)! He got all of his stuff and moved back to his mums.

Two days after the split, she is now sleeping with a married man from work (a manager) who has two children (10&6). They’ve been seeing each other the past two weeks and he’s left his wife for my sister ?!?!?! It’s just insane. Meanwhile her ex partner is wondering why she will not speak to him, give him an explanation - she has cut him off completely after 4 years. He was close to my mum and texts her to ask if my sister has said anything and even my own mum has told him you are better off without her (but she won’t tell him she’s started an affair).

I have told him he is better off without because she cheated on him two years ago but they worked through it. She planned to buy a houSe with him this summer but is now going it alone. She has 0 friends.

My mum lives on her own and my sister and her ex partner lived with her. But now my sisters partner is gone, and my sister is constantly out my mum is at home on her own. My mum has called me up on several occasions crying - saying how she wants them to work it out as he is caring and would do anything for her yet agrees she’s a selfish brat for the way she has gone about everything. She says she misses having him around also and that it’s a big change for her.

I am also upset because my mum is upset, sisters ex partner is devastated and there is nothing I can do. I’ve told mY mum to distance herself and focus on her own life and try meet someone else but that’s a thread for another day!!!! Mum is 55 and says “not worth the upset of seeing someone else”.

Sigh.

OP, you are your mum are making this about what you want. And you want your sister back in a box where you had a nice happy life.
Violence is always wrong, and you’ve really glossed over it, then trying to make out sis was violent too - so two violent people should stay together? That sounds hideously wrong!
Cheating - you’re making out cheating is worse than violence (the law would disagree!) and to be fair, your sister is not married and has broken no vows. It also doesn’t matter if you don’t like her cheating on the ex or having an affair with a married man, it’s none of your business.

The OP won't be back. She's not getting the answers she wants.

You and your Mum sound over-invested in your sister's life and choices. It's not really any of your business what she does, so long as she's safe. She's still young and it sounds like she's ready to let her hair down and have a bit of a wild time to herself. This is completely normal behaviour after a long term relationship and you need to let her be. Your Mum's social life and home life isn't your sister's responsibility and your Mum needs to step up and make more of a life for herself that doesn't depend on you or your sister. I'm actually not surprised your sister has cut off contact with her ex-partner, he was physically violent to her. Let her be and get on with your own life.

This is all kinds of fucked up. My DD is the same age as you sister. If her boyfriend laid a hand(or foot) on her I'd need to be held back to stop me ripping his fucking head off (figuratively speaking). I certainly wouldn't be wailing about how lovely he is, how much I missed him and how they need to work it out and get back together.

You and your mum are failing your sister. Absolutely disgraceful.

Assaulting someone isn't a mistake. It's a conscious deliberate choice to react with violence. You want her to be safe but equate this with being in a violent relationship? Wtf.

No one here is saying that it would have been acceptable if the genders were reversed!! It's assault full stop.

Ok, she's not making great choices now. But getting back with ex is not the solution! The relationship was a fucking mess no matter how much you and your mum liked him. If he'd kicked your mum would you still be on his side?

Relationship end. She doesn't owe him another chance. She doesn't owe him contact to make him feel better. She doesn't owe him a relationship because your mum is lonely.

If you like him so much you go out with him! Your sister's life is not a sidebar to you and your mum's.

My mum does this. Every relationship we’ve (me and my sister) ever wanted to leave, she’s made us feel like she was on the man’s side. It’s soul destroying.

One of my sister’s ex was a terrible person but my mum loved having him around because my dad was working away at the time. So many lines got blurred, my sister actually went abroad for three months to get away from him - and so that she could end things with him as soon as she landed. She doesn’t know this, but for weeks while she was away, Mum was calling me for hours everyday distraught that she had been so heartless. I had to be quite explicit in explaining to mum what he’d put her through. I came to the conclusion that mum HAD to see it through rose tinted glasses because she hadn’t been more vocal when they first got together at 17 and 23.

Your sister is 24. She doesn’t have to be in any relationship she doesn’t want to. If the affairs and her current status are true, well there’s a lot that you could judge her for. But don’t judge her for ending a relationship at her age, especially when DV is involved.

You are mourning YOUR relationship with him, as is your mum. Don’t confuse that with the idea that she’s made a mistake. She hasn’t. You’ve mentioned it was toxic anyway. They’d already had a break. It was not the right relationship for her. Do you really want her to go back?

Even if he was an absolute angel, if your sister wants to break up with someone, then that is her choice. It's appallong that you and your mum think and act like you have a say in this. Relationships end all the time, get over it and mind your own business.

" if your sister wants to break up with someone, then that is her choice."

Absolutely- & I don't think that this can be said enough-there doesn't have to even be a reason.

If your mum likes this bloke so much, why doesn't SHE go out with him???

You are your mother are a disgrace, wanting your sister to get back together with a man who violently physically assaulted her.

Shame on you.

Sorry but it's none of your business. Your sister and exBIL are both adults.

Sounds like an unpleasant relationship anyway. It's over. Stop getting involved.

you ask what I'd do, I'd get the feck over it and move on. He kicked her plus things obviously hadn't been right for a while. All are better off out of it.

Your mum needs some activities or hobbies or friends or something

OP From what you've posted, I'd say your sister has been unhappy in the relationship for a long time. The depression, previous cheating, etc, strongly suggests that.

I bet your sister's ex isn't that nice a person in private, I'd be surprised if the kick was the first hint of violence. And of course your mum wouldn't necessarily be aware, even now she's got the rose tinted specs on and so have you.

I doubt the current affair will last long, it's probably a rebound, as others have said. But your sister has the right to decide who she's with.

The ex is dumped but he's using you and your mum to get at your sister. You're excusing his violence and not supporting your sister who has now got away from a violent man. Do you really think this would be the only violence? If your sister stayed with him, he'll cross the line again so good on her for getting away.

And your mum is only 55, just 5 years older than me. Far too young to just give up. She needs her own life because relying on your DCs for companionship, etc, is never a good idea.

She's only 24. She's too young to be settling with a chap who lives with her at her mother's house and kicks her when she 'misbehaves'.

Jesus it sounds like you and your mum are more in love with him than your sister ever was.

This was me many years ago. Been with a boy for 5yrs, family loved him and I was the evil one for dumping him. He didn’t kick me but I am sure they would have reacted like you and you mum are doing. I had outgrown him and wanted different things and in truth I was bored. I ended up having little flings as I felt guilty for wanting to end it. Anyway I made it simple and up sticks and moved 400miles away then split. My sister ended up supporting him and hanging out with him as I was evil....however on reflection where I lived people tended to settle young and stay where they were so I was a rogue.....

I was 23 btw