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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sister & BiL have split.. mum and bil taking it REALLY bad. Advice please

142 replies

AdviceNeeded3282 · 06/03/2019 20:48

I’m just looking for advice and your own personal situations. Good to see from others points of view.

My sister who is 24 had been with her partner for 4 years - he is 31 (not that age matters). They seemed so settled and he was perfect for her. He bought her back son to earth. He has a well paid job, stayed with her through uni (she stayed at home / still lives at home) and she now has a good job in a corporate firm. My sister and her partner have lived with my mum for 4 years. My sister practically moved him in and my mum allowed it. In this time he became part of the family, helped my mum, helped my grandparents, was good with my children etc. Anyhow my sister has totally lost the plot (she has never really been 100% stable she suffers with depression etc and has made some questionable decisions in her life), she decided to go on Tinder (behind her partners back). He seen a notification on her phone and questioned what it was. She said it’s tinder from when they went on a break and she never uninstalled it ?!?!?! He totally lost it and kicked her (how hard I do not know and I KNOW violence is wrong). She finished it there and then with him (despite It was her on tinder)! He got all of his stuff and moved back to his mums.

Two days after the split, she is now sleeping with a married man from work (a manager) who has two children (10&6). They’ve been seeing each other the past two weeks and he’s left his wife for my sister ?!?!?! It’s just insane. Meanwhile her ex partner is wondering why she will not speak to him, give him an explanation - she has cut him off completely after 4 years. He was close to my mum and texts her to ask if my sister has said anything and even my own mum has told him you are better off without her (but she won’t tell him she’s started an affair).

I have told him he is better off without because she cheated on him two years ago but they worked through it. She planned to buy a houSe with him this summer but is now going it alone. She has 0 friends.

My mum lives on her own and my sister and her ex partner lived with her. But now my sisters partner is gone, and my sister is constantly out my mum is at home on her own. My mum has called me up on several occasions crying - saying how she wants them to work it out as he is caring and would do anything for her yet agrees she’s a selfish brat for the way she has gone about everything. She says she misses having him around also and that it’s a big change for her.

I am also upset because my mum is upset, sisters ex partner is devastated and there is nothing I can do. I’ve told mY mum to distance herself and focus on her own life and try meet someone else but that’s a thread for another day!!!! Mum is 55 and says “not worth the upset of seeing someone else”.

Sigh.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 06/03/2019 21:44

No difference. Your ds has made her choice, your mum doesn’t agree, but why should your sister carry on living with someone she doesn’t love for the sake of your mum’s feelings?

gamerchick · 06/03/2019 21:44

There is no opposing view. If a woman assaulted her husband he's entitled to leave her.

It's none of your business.

Leave.her.alone

category12 · 06/03/2019 21:44

It would be exactly the same answer. Violence should end relationships.

The ex doesn't need an explanation - it's obvious: hey're dumped, they were violent, ex-partner is now with someone else. Get the fucking memo.

Oswin · 06/03/2019 21:44

They aren't bloody married. He kicked her. If a woman posted she had kicked her partner she would be told she is abusive.

Why do you and your mother seemingly want her to be settled down and married. She's so young. Weird.

Justwanttotravel · 06/03/2019 21:45

It’s life! You’re sister obviously wasn’t happy. Affairs are wrong but assaulting someone is far worse. Who cares if he would walk over water for her, that one kick could escalate over time, she already has no friends, hmm no friends and an abidive boyfriend, why would any sister or mum want that for their daughter! Support your sister in the split, tell your mum to live her own life!

Ginger1982 · 06/03/2019 21:45

*Cuts her off without any explanation.
*
How about the violence?? I have always, and would always, tell a woman posting that the same thing. It's never justified.

Justwanttotravel · 06/03/2019 21:45
  • abusive
Rachie1973 · 06/03/2019 21:47

But she’s not his wife! She was his girlfriend and now she’s not.

That’s it. She’s young and free to do as she pleases.

MariaNovella · 06/03/2019 21:47

Your loyalty and your mother’s loyalty should be with your sister, not her ex boyfriend who hit her.

slipperywhensparticus · 06/03/2019 21:48

Even reading it from that view they are still over and you and your mam need a grip

ITS OVER DEAL WITH IT

IHateUncleJamie · 06/03/2019 21:50

Hang on OP, your sister was 20 when she got together with this guy (who was what, 27 then?) I don’t know about you but I changed a lot between 20 and 24. I’m not condoning the cheating but if she was on Tinder 2 years ago she’d still only have been 22. That’s so young to settle down, especially if she’s suffered from depression.

You sound very unsympathetic towards your sister and it sounds like you and your Mum would rather she got back together with a man who kicked her (NEVER EVER OK) and “settled down” with the wrong man because YOU both liked him. What about your sister?

As for your Mum being “lonely” she’s going to be lonely when your sister moves out, regardless of whether she’s in a relationship.

This sounds more about what you and your Mum think is “best” for your sister but it’s HER life.

Casmama · 06/03/2019 21:52

This is not your circus and it sounds like both you and your mum are enjoying the drama a bit too much.
I suggest you leave your sister the fuck alone and chances are the fling will be short lived and she will come to her senses. She is entitled to end a relationship she no longer wants to be in you know- even if there hadn't been any violence.

diddl · 06/03/2019 21:55

Such drama over a 24yr old splitting with a boyfriend.

What's your mum going to do when your sister moves out?

She's crying & wants her daughter to get back with someone who kicked her so that she's not lonely?

That is all kinds of fucked up!

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 06/03/2019 21:56

Jesus. If this is a sisterly relationship then I’m glad I’m an only child.

Ps: she’s 24. Most folk act like bellends when they’re 24. You just have to let her live her life and be there to pick up the pieces - becuase you love her - when it does all collapse in a big fucked heap.

RomanyQueen1 · 06/03/2019 21:59

She was right to dump him, he kicked her and violence is never the answer.
As she cheated though it was hardly a match made in heaven.
Concentrate on helping your mum find a social life, I bet she feels really lonely now.
He needs to stop contacting your mum, that isn't on and both you and your mum need to just let them both get on with it now, especially as she is having an affair.

Guineapiglet345 · 06/03/2019 22:00

1 - your sister is allowed to make decisions that you don’t agree with.
2 - he kicked her, that would be it for me no matter how great he is or how much your mother likes him
3 - if your sister wants to see other men behind her partners back while they’re still together that’s none of your concern, it’s not very nice but it’s also not illegal

Surfskatefamily · 06/03/2019 22:01

Your sister is very young and people change their desires in a partner or even in life throughout 20s. If she was on tinder chances are she wanted to end it anyway.

Never mind anyone else it is her decision, family should support her. I would recommend not getting involved and i also would stop contact with her now ex.

WarpedGalaxy · 06/03/2019 22:01

She's 24 and therefore old enough to make her own decisions about her partners and she has the right to choose what and who make her happy not what and who make you and your mum happy.
He kicked her once, that you know of, well, dv has to start somewhere. There's always a first kick, slap, shove or punch. Do you know how a DV victim can ensure that it's the last kick, slap, shove or punch? LTB or kick the bastard out and don't let them sweet-talk or grovel their way back in.

NWQM · 06/03/2019 22:03

OP how about this reading....

Woman is assaulted by her partner because he objected to an ap on her mobile. He walks out. He hounds her for an explaination of her behaviour under the guise of being sorry. He continues his controlling behaviour by courting the sympathy of her family. He escalates that when she gets a new partner.

If you are worried that your sister is perhaps getting over the trauma of her relationship by jumping into a relationship when she is highly likely to again be treated badly then fair enough. Sounds though as if you are just judging her and despite knowing he was violent not understanding for a second why she might want nothing more to do with him.

JaneEyre07 · 06/03/2019 22:05

If they'd had kids and he'd kicked the child, would you feel the same way? I'd say kicking someone is a pretty aggressive thing to do no matter what buttons someone has pressed on you .......

I've got 3 DDs - they've all had BFs that we've got to know and love as part of the family, then they change their minds. I've cried and been upset but never in front of my DDs and I've totally loved that they have been confident enough to know that something wasn't right and they wanted better.

It's life. You need to let it drop and move on. She doesn't love him, end of.

burritofan · 06/03/2019 22:06

"Ghosting" is cutting someone off without explanation. What your sister is doing, wisely, is going no contact with the man who assaulted her. Why do you feel she owes him a long, drawn-out, let-him-down-gently break up?

TheShiteRunner · 06/03/2019 22:08

So your sister was assaulted by her boyfriend, which is traumatic for anyone. What is also traumatic is that her own family seems to dislike her intensely, is supporting the violent ex, wants her to get back with him. She has no-one telling her "he was violent, you're worth more." That is fucking tragic OP. Your poor sister.
She probably latched on to the first person who was kind to her after being so horribly hurt by the people she loved and trusted, this bellend of a married man. She is so vulnerable. You should apologise to her immediately and be there for her in the wake of this trauma.

LilQueenie · 06/03/2019 22:09

So she can have him done for assault but then look at the devastation she has caused. On this one I would say leave them to go their separate ways. Both have done wrong. No point taking it further.

RedBerryTea · 06/03/2019 22:12

Your sister has ended a bad relationship, but you and your mother liked him (your mother because he was company and helped out, you because he was company for and helped out your mum) so you are both distraught for your own selfish reasons. Should she stay in a toxic relationship just to keep you and your mother happy?! When I read your original post I was imagining your mother as a little old lady, but then you said she's 55! I'm older than that and I certainly don't need a carer, nor would I expect a child of mine to sacrifice their happiness to make my life more comfortable.

Mrsmadevans · 06/03/2019 22:13

My sister had several affairs and 2 late terminations (l think because he didn't know who was the father how awful is that Sad ) when she was with her first husband , he was a darling , he really was. She wasn't, she isn't now and she never will be . They divorced 21 yrs ago and he was heartbroken. My sister has become an utterly horrible person, she is l think a narc. I have kept in touch with my ex BIL even though she bullied my Mum and I not to , we did it on the sly. It has turned out that he has had a lucky escape from my sister and l think you may fond OP that you very nice BIL has had a lucky escape too.

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