Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

It was all excused because he has Aspergers

Six I can relate to that and I have been guilty of doing exactely that.
Poor him, he can’t help it. He is disabled and has to live with it everyday. It’s so hard for him to be able to know what people expect from him and to adjust all the time to a world that isn’t his. I have no idea what it means etc etc.
Yep.
I get it. It’s wearing. Exhausting. And in the end, deeply hurtful

@sixdot not sure why your post was deleted but we are policed on here!

@onlytheyoung yes I can relate. My H barely spends time at home but when he does he hides behind a newspaper. I can’t even imagine talking about the future in terms of things like retirement with him.

In case anyone is interested Amy Schumer has revealed her H has been diagnosed as ASD. She has a Netflix special where she talks about this called Amy Schumer: Growing.

For the ASD followers of this thread, I believe it is a very positive programme where she talks about her love for him and the many positive traits of ASD.

Not telling anyone off but I think it's likely that sixdot's comment was deleted because she said something general like

They can't play tennis because their coordination is poor.

Rather than being specific eg

My husband is rubbish at tennis because he has very poor coordination.

At my wits end here.....

We are supposed to be going out with some lovely friends tonight. H has just phoned from work to say he doesn’t feel up to it. 3rd time IN A ROW he has done this. I’m still going but it’s embarrassing and I feel so sad and alone xx

Oh Moffa I know that feeling. Actually I've started telling H he doesn't have to come, but doesn't make it easier for me when everyone else is in couples.

I've even gone on holidays with other families without him. Bit shit.

My dh has his ASD assessment next week. I'm planning on separating from him. I have been having psychotherapy for nearly a year. One thing that has emerged is that his behaviour, even though he can't help it, are the same as emotional abuse. And the effect on me is the same regardless of the cause. I just can't do it anymore.

We've talked and he doesn't want to split, but wants me to be happy. I feel awful.

moffa turn it round, you’ll have a better time without him. No worrying about him being awkward, saying something stupid, behaving badly.
Enjoy your evening, just be yourself. 🍸

Im always reading these threads. Cant believe how quickly its grown. When i feel ready to contribute i will x

@Intents yes there is EA in our relationship too. If he hadn’t cancelled last night he would have punished me by being awkward all night. I’ve just started psychotherapy- I’ve had 2 sessions. So far it has been great for me - I think I find it freeing being totally honest in a way that I can’t be with friends. How have you found it?

@Bluebell thank you. It was a really fun night. Just me and three couples. I moved away from my friends for H’s job (obsession) 8 years ago and I have built up some friendships here but I feel like he wants to sabotage my social life. And I’m fed up with socialising alone. And I’m sad.

On the plus side, he is actually looking after the DC this morning which has never happened before! He knows I am pissed off.

@wizzywig welcome hugs to you

Happy Sunday everyone xx

Happy Sunday!

Psychotherapy has been good. I have found it tough sometimes, mine is psychodynamic psychotherapy, I naturally fill silences by just talking. So for a long time it just felt like me randomly nattering about all sorts. I have identified some patterns in my behaviour, and some reasons why. But not loads.

It has made me more confident in standing up to dh, for example we now share bedtime with dd (ASD). I just told him we were going to start taking turns. He doesn't like it, and sometimes I get comments and sulks, but I never would have done that 5 years ago.

The sulking. The huffing and puffing. The angry facial expression. I’ve just had enough of it all.

I want to tell him tonight it’s over but I haven’t got all my ducks lined up yet.

Oh I sympathise Moffa

Hi all - place marking.
Haven't posted on here for a while but I have been lurking. Hope everyone is holding up!

I hear ya moffa. The grumpy victor meldrew behaviour and huffing and sighing, its so draining

Update from me. I have moved out to my parents. He is desperate for us to try again and he wants the chance to be a better husband and father. I feel totally drained. I know I need to be strong but it’s so hard. Cried with my parents tonight. I can’t go back but I feel so guilty? Why? He cannot change who he is and how he treats me but I’ve never wanted to hurt him. I’ve told him I want thinking space. I told him about the psycho therapy. We communicated more over the last 24 hours than we have for so long. I feel so sad, and so lonely

Oh moffa, thats such a brave move x

Moffa you are bound to feel sad because it is sad. Cry if you need to. Take your time. One day at a time and everyday do something you know will help even if it is brief - a walk, a bath, coffee with a friend

Just going to try and get through the next few weeks

Moffa from me. Take care of yourself.

@Moffa hugs and flowers from me too x

@Moffa
Yes you are very brave and yes you will feel horribly guilty. If it helps, I left my DH twice and each time went back because of guilt and lack of support. He was thrilled, but nothing changed. It seems that he can’t or won’t learn new behaviour if he doesn’t have an existing template. He will try very hard for a day or so, and then reverts to normal. Not with bad intention, but I suppose habits of a lifetime aren’t easily changed.

I am puzzled though, in light of everything we think we know about all this, that he is aware enough to apparently show empathy and care while he “has to” and then stops when all seems to be back to how he likes it. When I point this out I am accused of nagging and bullying!!!

Thank you all for your support - very gratefully received. This is tough.

@stardust I had read that it takes several attempts to leave. My H went from saying he didn’t like me to wanting the opportunity to show me he can be a better husband and father. I said he shouldn’t have to ‘try’ to be affectionate and kind to his family, it should be natural. Anyway I’ve just said I want space and time for the moment. I’ve moved a lot of stuff out though so he knows I’m serious. DD is unsettled

Oh @moffa
What a massive step, sending you a big hug. Please message me if you need anything. Xxx

@moffa Just popping back in to send you love and strength. I know exactly what you are going through and how hard it is xxxx

Moffa, hugs. He's had so many chances to show you he can be a better husband and father, why didn't he do it then? Why does it take you getting to breaking point before he deigns to behave better? It's not OK, and even if his ASD diagnosis means he can't naturally "get" that, you've been begging him for years to be kinder to you. He knows what he's been doing, he's just chosen not to do anything about it until his life has been disrupted by you leaving :(