Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@MNHQ thank you

Thank you, MNHQ - I am sorry my post was rude. I hope we can get this one back on track, it seemed sucb a useful place to vent and get support.

Name changed. Am reporting posts that are arguing with other posters, telling them they are wrong, and are not supportive as per the intention of this thread.

Thank you @MNHQ

Heather heathers I think that is good advice. I find the constant questions about random things so draining. And the repetition. Is this water boiling? Is the cat ok? Etc.
We’re going out this weekend (to an event relevant to him). We’ve discussed it at least 3 times in the last week. Last night I asked if I should book a taxi for it & he said ‘where are we going?’ Arrrggghhhhhhhh!

Other than that things have been ok lately. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve shut off any expectations (I’ve had one brief hug this month but haven’t asked for more) but I suspect it is. It definitely feels to me like more of a ‘flatmates’ Relationship now. I still think it will come as a huge shock to him when I leave and I’m sad about that.

Hope you’re all ok & hope we can get this thread fully back on track for those of us that need it

Im loving the idea of a safe place to discuss personal stuff with other like minded people.

But at the same time, I’m passed off the see one or two people actually managing what they set out to do. I hate bowing under pressure and bullying.
And as Changer said those thereads can be life saver. They were for me years ago (some other threads on MN that were hidden away due to similar behaviours). And they are a window for other people to actually learn and understand about autism. That’s how I learnt about autism birth in adults and in children. I vividly remember a thread from a woman whose DH was diagnosed (and working full time) who struggle through making it work and then separating (her DH wanted 50/50 and was simply dangerous to be left with her dc as he had no idea of what was suitable for a child that age. Some scary stories there). And I remember thinking ‘Yes DH is dong that too p. And that. And that’!

So I hope that this thread (and others after?) will carry on. And that I’d they stop, it’s because therebis t as much interest in them. Not because of some outside influence.

Glad to find you.

heather that is good advice. moffa The constant random questions and wittering about nothing does really get to me, it’s like I’m having to think about, and make decisions about, stuff that really doesn’t warrant it.

“Shall I put the dishwasher on? (If it’s full, yes), shall I take this washing upstairs? (If it’s at the bottom of the stairs then yes).”

I do try not to engage with this, because if I bat it back to him, he says “I’m only trying to help” so I find that saying “mmmmm” and wandering off works best for me.

I don’t really have any expectations any more.

@MNHQ Thank you
The new thread is important. Some of us need help and reassurance that we are not alone in our relationships. Support from those in similar situations can make all the difference to our mental stability and give us the strength to carry on each day.

Bluebell, Heather and Moffa
Yes absolutely agree about the inability to make simple decisions wearing you down. " Shall I take a hat today? Do i need a coat? What happens if we can't find somewhere to eat? Etc etc etc. " I say you decide and leave it at that. I'm normally told I'm snapping at him.

I have to say Moffa I’ve come to the conclusion that some aspects of H behaviour is linked with autism. But others are plainly playing the patriarchic script to the limit.
That’s why I’m refusing to get involved in anything that is to do with his special interest/something he wants to do. I’m refusing the play the part of the maid/PA/mother that is organising everything for him and is then held responsible for things ‘not being quite right’ (which they never are).

I had an interesting discussion a couple of years ago with a counsellor. Basically H tends to put himself in the position of a child needing nurturing and help all the time. Which then puts me in the position of a parent (something I tend to do anyway!). The problem is that I then end up being responsible of everything. AND he can switch from the helpless child that needs support to the one who is having a tantrum because things aren’t quite right. As well as being ressentful of being in that position of the child.
That’s another reason why I steppped right back out. I squashed my misgiving/guilt of not being as supportive as I ought to be (because he is disabled, life is hard for him and who am i to not be as supportive as I can of someone who is struggling so much). And started to expect adults type of behaviour instead.
After all, when I got ill and basically disabled myself, he didn’t step up to support me but instead told me I was just lazy and to ‘man up’ :(

I don’t really have any expectations any more.

YY to that. Which is also the sign for me, that our relationhsip is now dead. Whatbis thnpoint of a relationhsip where I get as much out of it as being in my own??

Dropping in to say hi to you all I’ve been reading everything and hope you’re all ok.

Not sure if I’ll post much now the vibe here has been railroaded but let’s see how it goes - I’ve been struggling more in the last month and feel too vulnerable to chat specifics in nothing less than a supportive environment. I need the right audience - in my life I swallow almost every emotion I have, so here there’s a high risk that when my thoughts and feelings come tumbling out they aren’t pretty and considered.

@changer I’ve sent you a PM.

We have a slightly different dynamic in that DW is demand avoidant and of course female which tends to present differently anyway. The common theme though is in lowering or even reversing my expectations.

So rather than have no expectation that she will have gone shopping after work (PT) I expect her not to have gone, and call before going myself. I then get criticised for not getting the right things.

As others have said the result is ever increasing responsibility and resentment at the continual criticism.

Yes to having to swallow every one of your own emotions, as well as having to take responsibility for every single decision. It's exhausting. I suppressed my own emotions and frustrations to protect my daughter; her father had carte blanche to say and do what he wanted under the reasoning that he had Aspergers and therefore his behavior wasn't his fault. I placed myself between him and her and absorbed his hatred and aggression so she wouldn't feel it, until such a time that I was able to leave and remove her and I from that environment. His hatred stemmed from the two of us being a constant reminder that he was unable to function at the same level as NT people; in counselling he realized his aggressive behavior towards us was anger at himself turned outwards. Since divorcing, both my physical and mental health have improved enormously, due to no longer having to be on the receiving end of it.

Just want to say thanks to those who have persevered so far. I do think these threads have been helpful, in my case prompting me to pursue a diagnosis for DH. I didn't recognise him in descriptions of people with ASCs but I did recognise my own feelings in some of the posts from partners on here. That was what first started me on the right track.

I haven't found Different Together or AspergerPartner helpful, in fact the opposite. The extracts I read were too negative and angry.

We're still doing well and along with the insights I've gained here I give credit to an excellent Relate therapist. She's not a specialist in ASC but she's done her reading and adapted her approach to our needs.

I wouldn't recommend Relate, or any couples counselling, to someone whose partner is abusive. If they're not, and couples counselling is an option, you don't necessarily need a specialist. I know another poster had a bad experience with a counsellor who simply reinforced the parent/child or nurse/patient dynamic. That sounds awful but it also sounds like a counsellor who wouldn't be much good to anyone, whether autism was involved or not.

Other than that, I just wanted to say hello and I hope we can re-stabilise the thread.

Salitae Im really happy to see that those threads have helped you/someone make sense of what is happening to you/them.

I really hope that the process with the diagnosis will you both.

I've been away working for a week:

Me: "I miss you...."
DW: "oh, okay, yes, it's been quite quiet here this week."

daftas hugs and what ever else you'd like from the MN list of gifts. I feel for you, I really do xxx

At least when I come home from a trip away, my DH does miss me and registers I've been away! Even though DD is indifferent or actively abusive :(

@daftas yes similar here! I went away for 11 days with DC, we got back last Tues and I got a 2 sec strained hug and a kiss on the cheek. Nothing since. Since reading up about it all & realising it won’t change I’ve just given up a bit so I don’t even insist on a hug every few days now.

@soverytired I think my H registers I’ve been away but he misses my ‘housekeeper’ role & having all his meals cooked & cleared up. Over the years I’ve slid into the role of doing everything within the home and for the children. Partly my fault for letting it happen but really due to his obsession with working 16 hour days 7 days a week.

Good to see our thread back on track xx

Is anyone still here or did thread 3 see you all off?!

I’m really struggling with the idea of just leaving as it seems cruel but then my sensible brain tells me it’s the safest way as he could get abusive and make it all very difficult for me and the DC. Any advice or thoughts on this very welcome xx

Hi Moffa
I’m still here, read but don’t post much.
I know what you mean about just leaving, but you know your OH and whether it’s the best way. How he’s likely to react etc
With children involved you can’t afford to get into a situation where you tell him and he becomes abusive, shouty, etc.
If I left, I think I’d leave while he was away.

And I’ve taken your advice, I’m decluttering and selling stuff on eBay.!

Not long now for you.

💐🍸

Just dipping a toe in after a long time lurking with various name changes. Been married 20+ years with frustrations you would all recognise.
I hate the person I am becoming - judgemental, hyper critical and always remembering past slights and mistakes of DH's. How do I recapture my innate kindness? I'm not planning to leave in the immediate future. We still have good times and are reasonably aligned on parenting. I just feel so grumpy and frustrated in so much of daily life.

Daisy I can relate to that too. Hyper critical and always expecting the worse. Being intolerant to H mistakes.

Moffa I’ve been with H for nearly 20 years. Dcs are now teenagers. If I had to do it again, I wouod have left years before.
Before I got ill and unable to look afetr the dcs in my own.
Before my self esteem ended in in the gutter.
I’ve never been worried about H becoming abusive as such. But I was worried about leaving the dcs with him. He was and still is unable to really see what the dcs can and can’t do. And has put them in many unsuitable or dangerous situations. That’s one of the reasons I stayed.

I was also thinking that leaving someone because of a disability was unfair and not right. Surely I couod get over that, be the biggest person, learn about AS and adjust my behaviour so we would be happy and learn to live together happily??

In retrospect, I think me and the dcs wouod have been better if we had divorced long ago. For things to work, you need to have at least some recognition of the issues and some sense of responsibility on BOTH sides. Which he didn’t have.

So glad you are all still here.

@Bluebell the decluttering feels good though doesn’t it! And I had £500 in my paypal balance! Amazing!

@Daisypie I have definitely felt like I have absorbed traits myself - I can be impatient etc - but aware of it now so doing my best to find my ‘old self’.

@Madaboutwands it’s very reassuring to hear others say they should’ve left (I know not great for you) but it helps me.

So update from me, I had my first psychotherapy appointment today. It was so amazing (although I feel emotionally exhausted now). My therapist was so good, I talked & explained and cried (a lot) and told her things I’ve not told anyone. She is experienced in dealing with NT/ASD relationships & is recommending I get 10 sessions with her (the maximum here).

She is supportive of my decision to leave and reassured me over my guilt about leaving and leaving a note. She prioritised my safety & the safety of the DC. She wants to work on regaining my confidence and getting clarity over the relationship etc.

It was a very positive experience for me & for anyone on here considering it I would recommend- even if it’s just because you need someone to talk to.

Big hugs to you all