Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Thank you everyone the support means a lot.

I had psychotherapy (ironic how we all end up needing the counselling!) again today and she was visibly pleased that I have taken steps. She talked about the power of now (said she doesn’t believe in all the principles of it but essentially thinking about today and what you can do, ignoring anything from the past or future) and I guess in my situation taking it one step at a time.

She also talked about being trapped in a web of someone else’s behaviour- I think she doesn’t want me to go back!

Anyway I’m ok, plodding on. H is sending sweet text messages, asking to see kids etc.

How’s everyone doing? X

I’m still here!
Moffia
Well done and good luck with your move. It is really difficult but absorb all the support around you and think about yourself for a while. Big hugs to you! 🥰🥰🥰
I’m finding difficulty at the moment with ‘is it his behaviour towards me making me feel so low or the menopause ‘? Either way I’m feeling totally invisible if you know what I mean? My feelings are dismissed even if I do try to explain 💁‍♀️.
Take care everyone 😘😘

H ha seen trying so hard. He asked this morning if I was OK cos I'd been a bit off, and had I noticed he'd been trying hard. I explained that I had, but that this was just a pattern. I get to the point where I'm really upset, considering leaving and then suddenly he tries hard for a while. But that he never manages to maintain it. And I don't want to live in that constant cycle.

I told him I still needed to think about things and you could see the hurt in his face, he asked if I still wanted to leave him. I said I don't know. He said he doesn't want me to leave. He looked so sad, I felt awful.

So now I feel unhappy and horrible. Because if I go ahead with this I will be making the kids and him miserable. But I feel like deserve to be considered in all this. I should have left years ago.

Oh @intents huge hugs for you

I don’t really know what to say in terms of offering advice. My H has just sent me a lovely, loving message. It’s made me feel awful. Of course I love him, I married him. But I want to be loved back, all the time, through the ups and downs. Staying with him will surely make me ill.

So hard

Moffa just popping on to sending hugs your way. And virtual support.
You married him because you loved him, yes. I found that love isn't always enough.

You have the support of your parents which is so important, and hopefully you will be able to forge a life for yourself as an independent woman. I so sympathise with the guilt. My DH knew what to do to make me feel bad. Like which buttons to push. Very manipulative. But like the man-child he was, it was to make me feel so bad I went back and like a small child, once he got what he wanted, he went back to the status quo. Eventually I ran out of strength! I mean I’m not saying it was maliciously done - I don’t think it was thought out, but I do think emotionally he is very childlike and that is what small children do.

I think if you keep in mind that those sweet messages are him pressing your buttons rather than permanent change you’ll feel better. I finally managed to detach myself from my horrible demanding narcissistic mother who I would do anything to appease when I realised that her needs and demands were like an endless black chasm. I spent my life trying to fill it up for her in the hope that one day she would be happy. i realised that that hole was never, never going to be filled up and all the precious things I threw down - my time, my care, my sacrifices, my love - were lost to no avail. So then I realised I could choose not to do it any more and it wouldn’t make any difference at all to her. But it made all the difference to me.

Similarly perhaps you might feel that whatever you do in your relationship isn’t going to help. After all it takes two to tango and if he can’t or won’t change, you’re stuck.

It's dawning on me that my H may have Aspergers. This comes as a shock because I have worked with people with ASD as well as growing up in a household with three people with it! I have a lot of experience at seeing the signs despite differences in personality, which of course, I understand. Does any of this resonate with any of you or am I way off base and maybe H is just as uncaring as he appears?

• He never, ever offers simple, kind courtesies like making me a cup of tea.
• I have to spell everything out for him.
• He says I imagine things in others (like if someone wells up and I say to him afterwards that they seemed upset, he says I imagined it).
• It's only when I'm bawling crying in the foetal position and threatening to leave him that he seems to realise I'm upset about our relationship.
• When we have an argument or even a significant blow-up, he will carry on like nothing happened unless his feelings were hurt or unless I bring it up.
• He doesn't like big changes at all but he's fine with being spontaneous in an everyday context (i.e.) going for coffee when we hadn't planned to etc.

However...

• He is sociable and is good with crowds and in all social situations.
• Loud noises don't bother him.
• He's well able to talk to people.
• He doesn't need everything to be regimented and planned out. He's actually notoriously disorganised.
• He doesn't have a specialist interest that he speaks about incessantly.

What do you think? I know it's crazy that I've known him so long and it's only now that I'm wondering this but it genuinely hadn't occurred to me as he's so different to all of the others with HFA that I've known (quite a few). Any thoughts would be gratefully accepted.

Anyone else's mothers day utterly shite as their husband/ partner is utterly clueless about what they should do or get because the only person that matters is themselves?

wizzywig yes, my Mothers Days were shite for many years, but
my sons are now card carrying adults so I got cards and flowers from them (albeit probably organised by the daughters in law, but hey, I’m still grateful)

My husband bought me a card from the dog. I thanked him. He’s asked me at least 10 times today if I like the card, it takes the edge off it really.
I’m sick of it - and him really.

Norashdecisions

It’s difficult to say really. Mine to is fine with certain people, fine with noise although a lot children making a lot of noise can make him stressed!
My h is oblivious to my feelings, if he has hurt me in any way and can walk away after an argument even if Im in bits! It is extremely distressing. However, I do feel that if you meet one person who has HFA, you have met one person with HFA. There are similar traits that we see and also various differences.
Take care. Keep strong 🥰

I feel awful posting here but think I may need an outlet.. DH has aspergers and Adhd, dispraxia etc as has my youngest daughter.

Being between them both and doing so much all the time for what feels like such little love is ripping me apart. I don't have a family as we are NC due to abuse issues, his mum indulges him, he struggles to keep a job although nearly two years on this one so fingers crossed. He has no. Concept of money and we have huge debts. I have now had to ban all cards and accounts from him and deal with it all. Myself as well as making every desicion and remember everything. You know how it goes I'd guess.

I had a full on breakdown two years ago after coping with all my family drama etc and had no one to rely on. I haven't been able to work the last two years due to the effect on my health and although the break from work was supposed to be time for me To recover I actually feel far worse most days.

I'm relied on for everything and I mean everything as our daughter is home schooled due to the stresses of school (long story and Ill health). I take six different meds daily to cope with the anxiety and depression and then there's lack Of Sleep due to flashbacks for me. All I want is a cuddle and to be looked after. It neve comes.
Or rather it does when I say I'm leaving and then the same pattern of good behviour for a few days which then slides back into my invisible life.

Sorry to moan I just feel so down about it today. Thanks for listening and kudos to all of you who manage far better than I clearly have.

I feel like that sometimes. That I could cope with one of them, but not both of them at the same time. And like you say for so little in return.

Dd has been tricky today, she got herself so excited about mother's day. Which mostly ended in her punching me and barking her usual orders at me all day. Yet at the same time she made me 6 cards telling me how much she loves me. I wish she could understand that love is about actions, not just words.

IntentsandPorpoises yep. That about sums up my day.. Lots of barked orders, needing to watch her do her things her way and lots of cards and gifts. Mil was here too and I suspect that she also has it as she behaves just like them but won't under any circumstances admit she has it... So on days like to day there are three.. I could laugh but I didn't I came to bed and cried instead x

@friendlygal79

Thanks very much for your reply. I had to get it off my chest and was curious if others felt the same way or were in a similar situation.

Hi there
It sounds like things are really tough for you and have been for a while. I to have gone through really difficult times. I am still with my h and my daughter has Aspergers to. It is good to get things off your chest on this forum or to an individual on here who understands. We are all in the same boat. I think you can lose yourself in all of this but on this forum you are amongst friends and people who understand what we are all going through which really helps. Take care and pm me anytime 😘

I wasn’t sure about returning to the thread but have read others and sympathies to all. . Sad that so many relationships are breaking down, a few are surviving and staying together which is good to hear.

I saw a solicitor and have a good idea of how to leave, although in my situation it’s best I stay in the home for two years. Aargh not sure I can cope with that! The solicitor said something interesting, she said it sounds very much like he can’t cope with our SN son but instead of admittting this he’s scapegoated me to all his family.

DP has admitted having had mental health problems last year too. Why on earth wouldn’t he tell me? Why so secretive? I’m not surprised, I think he’s going to go into free fall when we do break up. I worry about him despite it all.

This pattern is very familiar. The cycle of pulling me back, I feel guilty, but him not being able to sustain it. DP has again been saying he misses me, that he’s only human, that he’s stressed at work. I feel guilty now! I used to worry that it was emotional abuse, and the effects are similar, however I really don’t know. I think DP doesn’t want to hurt me, however he is so focused on his own needs I do get hurt and neglected. It’ll be a month I reckon before he reminds me that he doesn’t want to be with me. That’s how he protects being able to distance himself and neglect any of my needs.

I get to the point where I'm really upset, considering leaving and then suddenly he tries hard for a while. But that he never manages to maintain it. And I don't want to live in that constant cycle.

it was to make me feel so bad I went back and like a small child, once he got what he wanted, he went back to the status quo. Eventually I ran out of strength! I mean I’m not saying it was maliciously done - I don’t think it was thought out, but I do think emotionally he is very childlike and that is what small children do

I'm relied on for everything and I mean everything as our daughter is home schooled due to the stresses of school (long story and Ill health) I’m really sorry, I do too, except luckily DP does hold a very, very good job. But SN child needs, I get that, it’s very hard.

You love them so very much don't you and feel guilty and like you've let them down when you can't handle it anymore.. They look so down and rejected and you remind yourself to try harder and off the circle goes again...

I hope I am welcome in this thread. I am not married and have no children, but I am in a relationship with a man who I believe has autism. I didn't realise at first, as my only experience with autism previously was cases that were very extreme, so the sort of high functioning autism that can take exposure to recognise was lost on me.

He is not very empathetic, he often says he doesn't know what to say to someone if they're sad on say the anniversary of a death. He simply doesn't understand why they would be sad. He is not particularly emotional and can't read social cues. He is a bit of a workaholic and has tunnel vision for things. He repeats things a lot. He has anxiety and I've seen him have a few meltdowns over things. He's also very intelligent, articulate, practical and capable, but the emotional intelligence is lacking.

Not expecting advice, just reading and absorbing others experiences.

Hi lost! I lurked for ages trying to get my head around things too. pina
I get to the point where I'm really upset, considering leaving and then suddenly he tries hard for a while. But that he never manages to maintain it. And I don't want to live in that constant cycle - this leapt out at me. Its exactly whats happening to me

Hello everyone! I’ve been catching up on your messages

@changer thank you. Agreed, love isn’t always enough (especially when emotions and being tactile are totally missing).

@stardust yes I am so bloody lucky my parents are supportive and have let me move in with them. I don’t think I could do it without their help. Sorry to hear you had such a hard time with your own mum. Are you with your H still?

@norashdecisions I think even if you have a reasonable understanding of ASD traits it can take time to jigsaw them together. It took me 7 years for the penny to drop and realise there was a reason I felt anxious & depressed. I can relate to plenty of your points. I actually asked my H recently to tell me one nice thing he has done for me off his own back since we married. He couldn’t think of anything & neither could I. Plus the unemotional reaction. We can have an awful row then 5 minutes later he is sleeping soundly & I cannot sleep for hours.

@exhsusted you poor thing. I really feel for you. Have you read about OTRS? I think you need help & support. Have you had any therapy? If not I can recommend it. Just make sure you find someone with clear understanding & experience of ASD. And of course we, on this thread, are always here to send you hugs & offer support whenever you need it.

@pinacolada great to see you back. We all need this thread. I understand your worry, my H is also only focussed on his own needs. Hope you’re ok.

@lostandconfused of course you are welcome here. This is a support thread for anyone who needs a bit of TLC. Is your relationship ok? Do you have DC? The Different Together website can provide some good info to support your relationship if you’re looking for coping strategies & help.

Hello @intents @friendlygal @bluebell and anyone I’ve missed off.

To all of you coping with ASD H and DC, my heart goes out to you & my hat goes off to you. You are all incredible & I hope you’re all ok.

@wizzy I’m sorry to hear about your mother’s day. Treat yourself to something nice this week. I’m sorry you’ve been trapped in the leave/stay cycle. It’s so hard.

So I’m still with my parents, feeling quite positive & resolute about my decision. My H is being tricky now, I think he thought I’d be ‘home’ by now. He wants another chance to show he is a changed man & can be a better H and father. I think it’s gone too far for me, I’m not sure I love him in that way anymore. He gave me my gorgeous DC, and for them I will always love him but when I see him I don’t feel anything. His written messages are harder to ignore as he keeps saying he loves me etc and it tugs at my heartstrings. But then I read everyone who has gone back for more of the same or who say ‘I should have left years ago’ and I don’t want that to be me. My DC are 4 and 2. So young I’m hoping they can navigate this with relative ease. However H may ramp up His behaviour when he realises I’m not coming back.

to all you super spouses doing your best xx

**Moffa

Thank you. Its honestly the nicest thing anyone has said in a long time.. No I've not had any therapy for my own problems or help with this but it's becoming clear I need to consider it.. Thanks again for making me feel welcome. Xx

Moffa
Bit of a bold fail. Trying to get used to all the bits and bobs.. Thanks again. Xx

The cycle does have to stop. We can’t only be appreciated when we are leaving.

@moffa I am glad you are at your parents. I went back in exactly your position, 4 years ago. I was at my parents, then DP sent me so many loving, genuine and eloquent emails full of his want to ‘be a good man’ to me and our son. I went back. Now I find myself unable to leave for 2 years. Don’t be like me!

Hi all. I've currently got a thread called Plans To Split or something like that. I'm convinced that my 'D' H is HFA. He's not diagnosed. Incredibly knowledgeable on stuff rather like a human Google. Quite rigid in stuff 'we can't do that I/we need to...'. We have been together 12 years.
We don't socialise as he doesn't like most people. Unless they are passionate about subjects close to his heart. So he has no interest in spending time with others.

I have lost friends over the years because he won't socialise. I can hardly type because I feel so sick, I'm really unhappy

@exhsuated and @timeforplans I think once you start reading from the various information linked on the first post you will find some clarity. I went to my GP for a counselling referral, took some of the literature about OTRS printed off. That was helpful as I didn’t need counselling, I needed psychotherapy. Throughout the process I requested someone with experience of ASD/Aspergers. I got a wonderful therapist. I’ve had 3 sessions and it’s given me all sorts of coping skills and ways of seeing things. I already feel clearer & stronger. I knew I needed help & I went and got it. @timeforplans - you mention in your other thread you feel like you’re going mad which is a common theme on here. I had a moment (I mentioned this before) when I questioned whether I was dead (I know it sounds odd but I felt dead). Please get help. Feeling like you are going insane is so awful.

TBH even seeing a solicitor was really great - she gave me lots to think about too (about how I handle things going forward, about how he is THEIR dad and he is the only one they have etc - great advice - recommend it to gain an idea of how it all works if you’re thinking divorce might be a future step, even if it never happens).

@pinacolada I’m so sorry you find yourself here, 4 years after trying to leave. But I truly appreciate your post as I need to keep going now. And it’s hard. But I cannot go back to him, I was so sad.

to you all xxx