Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@Eesha , sorry, forgot to tag you! See my post above..

@Eesha *my ASD DH

All I can say now, is Tony Attwood.

this man understands.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

It's the hope that gets us, BigBest.

My husband was not the man I thought I was marrying. He performed romance and was really very impressive. As soon as the ring was on my finger, and I really do mean that night, I didn't recognise him.

I'm loathe to say my marriage was a mistake because our kids are smashing. But, it has not been a happy marriage for me. He's absolutely delighted with himself, of course.

That's awful. He was performing romance, but looking back, were there any signs that you would recognize now as aspergers?

Looking back, yes - special interest, no friendship group, unusual shopping/eating/house habits, weird about touch.

Genuinely not enough to trigger my "too quirky for a relationship" radar though. It was all very endearing at the time because it was wrapped up with romance, and lots of it.

Not now.

I don't think I can carry on with the marriage, I really don't.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria, reading your last 2 posts made me so sad, you describe EXACTLY how my husband behaved when we first got together, the romance, the spontaneity, the fun, the endearing quirks. And yes, the complete change the moment the ring was on my finger.

I don’t think I can carry on this way either.

@bluebellforest1 and @vivariumvivariumsvivaria I had the same experience. DH was very attentive and affectionate till we married. He used to stare at me so much it was a bit embarrassing. Then as we drove off on honeymoon he stopped listening and answering back, most of the time.

He did tune in for a while the first time I was pregnant and till the baby was one. But not since. I don’t feel heard or seen.

He also takes his irrational self-pity and anger out on me, which is abusive.

I had no idea he had AS when we married, over 25 years ago. It was diagnosed (as borderline) maybe 10 years ago.

It hasn’t been all bad, but overall it’s been bad enough that I am planning to leave, now I’ve given up hope of improvement. He did say he wanted to think before he spoke and cut out abusive behaviour, but it hasn’t happened.

I am ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / ME and will have very little money, but I still feel it’s my best option.

Thank you to everyone for this thread and earlier ones. I have recognised so much of what people wrote.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria, @bluebellforest1 and @Skye99 , this is heart-breaking.

I've been trying to understand why they behave that way, losing all interest all of a sudden. It is so hurtful, as they make us used to being the focus of such intense (and flattering!) attention. From what I've read, they can go on caring for people but do not feel the need to show it - is that true? But they must know that you have to show interest, of they wouldn't fake it in the first place, so I feel it is still dishonest of them. It sounds so soul destroying.

Good luck to you all!

@YellowSapphire It is heartbreaking. I’m not sure it was done with conscious awareness in my H’s case. But he is very good at closing his eyes to things he doesn’t want to see. He also did not make much of an effort to start listening after he admitted that he often talked without listening (i e he faked answers).

@Skye99 I see that all the time with my manager. He starts saying 'yes, yes' as soon as I start talking so I feel that he is not listening at all. He often answers what he assumes I have said. So there is absolutely no human connection between us (apart from the times he was in flirt mode and pretended to be fascinated by me).

On the other hand, he always makes very kind decisions when his staff is involved. Either he wants to be seen to be nice, is too scared of us being antagonistic, or he is kind. I think it's more that he wants to avoid any trouble!

I feel I had a very lucky escape when I started avoiding all contact with him outside of work hours. I think a lot of marriages are unhappy (I am very happily single) but that there are far more chances of unhappiness when there is no way to connect or when the partner has the ability to not listen at all & doesn't see one as a person - very scary!

I think you probably did have a lucky escape. I agree about the increased chance of unhappiness.

It could be that your manager is kind in some ways. My H can be. He will do helpful practical things voluntarily. But if a partner doesn’t listen enough to emotionally connect, I find nothing makes up for that.

And you definitely want to feel your partner sees you as a person! I don’t get that feeling with mine.

Yes, being seen is the most important thing - when someone really understands who you are. Otherwise it must be like living with a stranger...

@YellowSapphire DW never shows any affection, if I ask whether she loves me her stock answer is "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you". And that's meant to be enough. It isn't.

@MarjorieProops In reading through this thread and previous ones, I’ve seen quite a few posters say their DP doesn’t like to be touched. Not all Asperger’s people are the same, of course (my DP doesn’t mind), but it’s a possibility.

My DH has initiated sex less than 5 times in 25 years plus.

I recommend reading other people’s experiences on these threads, to see what you might be getting into.

@Marjorie It will probably be harder for him to see your point of view on that than for most men.

I lost this thread.

Someone said that their relationship is a service exchange and it struck me. I do the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking, the raising of the children and he earns the money. My job is regarded as an optional extra. As are my needs for affection and connection.

It has made me sad because I have allowed myself to be reduced to a member of staff.

He is drinking again. It is very hard to tell if he is drunk, there is no discernible change in his demeanour, apart from that he gets defensive. 11 bottles of wine that I'd bought for Christmas/New Year have evaporated...in...a...week. He is defensive about that.

What do you do? He's a functioning alcoholic because he is stressed because I am unhappy and he doesn't know how to fix it. I am a mystery, even though I clearly and repeatedly and consistently say "do x, y and z and don't do any of A, B or C"

It's so bloody exasperating.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria 💐

@Daftasabroom , I know what you mean. It's the little gestures of affection, and listening to people's worries and troubles with an encouraging attitude, that makes relationships function.

I have a cousin who is horrible to her partner - he once came home from work and started to moan about a work colleague and she jeered at him, saying not to bore us! I felt so sorry for him, as I had a boyfriend back then and knew how he relied on my warm attitude after a hard day at work; and he did the same for me. It really helped, and we remained friends for years after the relationship ended.

Link to new thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4112286-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-5

Hi all.

Feeling really rude because I've not read through yet - I will shortly. Just wanted to say hi really. My husband is waiting on a formal asc diagnosis (he does have them for adhd and anxiety).

I love him very much and I do understand a little bit about the conditions and the whys and the symptoms... But I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted with his meltdowns (more frequent), I'm exhausted with his negativity, I'm exhausted with his view that "everything has been shit up to now and noone can help me" attitude, I'm exhausted running the house, dealing with the absolute financial mess he's got us in, handling his post, I'm exhausted being a lone parent, I'm exhausted with his mood swings, of him never being wrong and basically his belligerence.
More recently, its turned into me being yelled at to shut up if I express an opinion different to his (because if I don't keep quiet it "causes a meltdown" and then I'm told I'm abusive and / or he wants a divorce but then he doesn't work so I'd have to "give him the house").

And I'm lonely. And I'm scared this is my life now. I know he loves me, and he's had a crappy life and he's noone else. But I just feel like... I don't even know... X